It's been a while... I took a break and got really busy living :). I couldn't help but feel it was time to get back on here and share my latest personal discoveries... amazing what time and space can do for a person. Saying goodbye to much of the past about a month ago again, sweeping the decks... I have spent some serious time exploring my recent experiences, my hang ups, disappointments, passions. A good time to take a mental break, and start to see what it would be like to find complete and total happiness on my own. I made a pledge to get out and try all of the hottest restaurants in Toronto with clients and friends. The best part - I never have to worry if they will call me the next day ;)
What happens when you get busy? Things just start flowing. Between cycling, gym, yoga and 3-4 dinners a week, when a few guys came along I found myself seriously having to question the worth of finding a space in my already jampacked schedule. I realized, my life was full, and to be honest I was and am not ready to give it up.
Suddenly... I felt a shift. Literally, the power that I'd been giving away for years, the power to make myself happy was back in my hands. Suddenly, dating has a become a whole different experience again. Still subscribed to the 3 month agreement with eHarmony, I decided it couldn't hurt to respond to a few, and wound up on 2 dates. Going more out of curiosity than actual interest was a great experience. I sat back on each date and just let them happen. I had no deisre to prove anything, be anyone, guard or not guard myself. The pressure was off.
Leading up to a date with Trevor, a firefighter, I realized a boundary for me moving forward is a guy that could pick and stick to a date. Trevor was very nice, but didn't seem to want to plan anything ahead. The old me would have jumped up and met him on a whim. Today, I simply have too much going on, and if you're not going to make a plan to see me, it suggests a few things a) you're non-committal b) you think I'm sitting around waiting. Yep, add that to the deal breakers list. Upon rejecting his "on a whim" requests twice, I offered a free evening if he wanted to "make plans", and he took it! Ha! All the years of trying to be so accommodating. Part of this awakening was the idea that I can put my needs first and someone will respect that. In fact, I received daily messages from Trevor before finally admitting I wasn't really interested. But it was a good experiment :)
Then came Anthony. An outgoing Sales Guy. With a jampacked schedule, I was able to offer a date a week from our initial interaction. In an attempt to compromise Anthony requested a Brunch date instead which would be much sooner. Amused at his initiative and desire, I accepted. Messages came daily and we would up meeting after one of my dinners in the city for a quick cocktail at a boutique hotel in the city. And here come the flags... Anthony detailed his attempt to impress me with his membership to the exclusive invite-only rooftop lounge which was booked for a private function that evening. Add that to the list, perks are not impressive for me... I realized in that moment, I am looking for an emotional connection. Not to be impressed. The next day Anthony again active on Whatsapp he got extremely personal and suggestive. I immediately backed it up... he handled it well apologizing and switching gears. I couldn't decide at first if this was a good sign or a serious warning. Our second date went well, Brunch in my city followed by a walk through the local festival and boutique shops. He held my hand, which seemed oddly premature, but nice. As the week goes on and we are supposed to get together again, Anthony begins asking for favours that certainly imply he has no respect for the fact that I have a full time job that is as important to me as his is to him. So... with far less hesitation then ever, I decided to call it a day. While it's nice to have someone paying attention to you... tying yourself up with someone for the sake of it could mean missing the opportunity when the right one comes along.
This is getting easier. After receiving a handful of blasts from some needy eHarmony potential matches, I decided enoughs enough, and cancelled the remainder of my subscription. And now I see what it means when someone says "they're too needy"... or is it just that I have finally hit that point where I make myself happy, and I'm perfectly content for the first time ever. Faithful that what will be will be...
