There was a day I believed, no, I accepted it might not ever
happen to me, love. The real deal. The kind that unlocks your heart, and puts
to rest every question, every heartache, the kind that lightens the load of that
baggage you’ve gotten used to carrying.
One night, in the not so distant past, I remember feeling the
agony of everything that had happened in my love life up until that point. I
had just written about it, and hoped it had been released along with the tears
that flowed with every word I wrote. Yet that night, it seemed to relentlessly
grip at my soul. I did the only thing I ever manage to do when I don’t know
what else to do, I called my mom. I cried, told her the pain I was feeling, the
hopelessness, how pathetic it seemed that I could long so bad for something and
yet it eluded me.
Finally, I ran out of tears. I felt still. Flat. I remember
saying to my mom, “Maybe this is my purpose… maybe I was given this role
because I’d be strong enough. Perhaps I am here to get beat up on in love, to
learn from it, and to share it – the struggle, the lessons, the recovery”.
Naturally not something a mom ever wants to hear.
When I finally crawled under the covers that night, I almost
smiled. Something major shifted. I had a realization. Apart those couple of
rough moments, my life was actually pretty awesome. I was done with the tears.
I was done with the worry and the pain. I had already done the one thing I
thought I was waiting for, but couldn’t see it through my own grief. I had built the life of my dreams. Sure, it
didn’t look like the image I had planned out in my head. But, here I was living
in the heart of a City full of life. I had a beautiful space, an incredible
network of friends. I had gotten to know the community around me, otherwise
known as the Entertainment District, and felt pretty good access to the best
the city had to offer. Night after night I was invited to exclusive events, to
random gatherings, dinners with friends, you name it. I certainly wasn’t
lonely. I created lonely in my own mind. I had a life many could only dream of.
In the dark and stillness that night, I looked up and said, “I will take it!
This life beats the life I’ve known in relationships so far, so, unless it’s
going to be better than this, I am happy as I am.” I literally surrendered.
It wasn’t even a month the love I was looking for found me. I
was happily going about settling into the life I finally decided to embrace
rather than resist, and truly at peace. I had redirected my energy to the
things that made me happy. Then he showed up. It seemed so easy, I wasn’t in a
place of worry any more. I remember leaving our first date and telling my mom, “I’ll
be shocked if I ever hear from that guy again!” She laughed, and said “Oh dear!
What did you do?” I was slightly amused when I told her “Nothing. I just didn’t
feel any desire to impress him, and to be honest I just told him outright
exactly what I was looking for.” Which, I’ve been scolded by men in the past , were
some seriously high expectations. Except
this time I was in a place where I didn’t feel the need to justify them
anymore, or lower them just to get myself into another disappointing
relationship.
I was wrong. Not only did I hear from him before I even got
home from that date. But within a few weeks, the kind of relationship I had
almost begun to believe was not possible, was sweeping me off my feet. Not only
did this man rise up to my expectations, he made every effort to surpass them.
There was no more “hanging out,” we were “dating.” Like real, romantic,
flowers, dinners, candles and romance kind of dating. We both were able to
enjoy planning dates. Everything from Shake Making to Shoe Shopping, Flowers to
Basketball Games. We took selfies. Like seriously. How many men wouldn’t allow
a photograph of even just them let alone the two of us together? I know there
are a few nodding their heads as they read this. You know the kind of people I’m
talking about, the kind that are not interested in the same kind of relationship
that you are.
This was different. Yet, within a few weeks I found myself
confused. What had happened here? I was finally settling into a life that I
loved? Was I willing to take that risk again? This might have been scarier than
the rest, this time, everything I had ever asked for was standing right in
front of me asking me if that’s what I really wanted, and I’m not sure if I was
so shocked I didn’t believe it, or worried perhaps I didn’t deserve it, or
somewhere in between.
It wasn’t “easier” than I expected. It was definitely
scarier though! You know you have found Love when you finally realize you have
something to lose. Yes, that’s about the time that the little “crazy” in me
comes out. The one that says, RUN! I have, time and time again in life. Until
now. Until someone chased me, literally and figuratively, in the pouring rain
and said “Stop!” That moment broke my heart, open. Open to really feeling love.
Open to letting go of the weight I used to seal it shut. Open to letting go of
the walls that I felt safest behind. Open to the idea that safe could be a
place that didn’t need walls.
What if I had given up? What if I had never given up? I had
filled so much of the space in my life with worry, doubt, fear, pain. For the
longest time I wondered why love had danced all around me, but never with me. I
never made space for love. When I did, it took my hand, wrapped an arm around
my waste, pulled me tight and we began to sway, one step at a time, finding our
flow…
If I had given up, I’d have never drawn love in. If I’d
never given up, I’d have pushed love away.
Today, I sit, as present as I’ve ever been. About to board a
flight with Love to one of the most Romantic countries I can think of. I can’t
help but reflect – to be grateful for all that I’ve experienced, and most of
all trusting. Trusting that I walked blindly down a path, met the girl on the
road who walked in my shoes, and embraced who she was in full faith, let go of
the questions, the heartaches and the burdens, and sure enough, Love was
waiting.
Keep believing.
