Breaking Rules...a whole new kinda crazy ;)

The best part about being single and having amazing and experienced friends is having great people to laugh with and share the ridiculousness that is me :). I've never really been one for rules in life, preferring to march to my own beat, but it always fascinates me when I learn I've broken one of many cardinal unwritten rules in life.  Last night was just another one to add to the list...

Last night I joined Samantha and Stanford for a local party at Everleigh. A chill night with some old school tunes and the many stakeholders in the king west nightlife scene.  Samantha slipped into the usual wing woman zone and before I knew it had me chatting up with Matt an entrepreneur in town from Vancouver.  Good looking, established and an air of edge that always draws me in.  An unusual night as I found Matt walking me home from the party.  Yet something just didn't sit right with me...and before I knew it I was sending Matt packing back to his hotel.  He begged to stay, trying to negotiate even. In the moment, I was annoyed and wanting nothing more then to call it a night. Alas he agreed to leave only after taking down my number.  I climbed into bed and naturally had to fill Samantha in by text. Now I was laughing at myself and the events of the evening...maybe this was a whole new level of crazy.  Lol. I didn't care...my heart and mind were tied up on someone else.  

I called Deanne who was in L.A. To fill her I'm as we'd been chatting before I left for Everleigh.  True to fashion, Deanne laughed hysterically shocked at what I'd done.  She is always my source for the cardinal rules of dating and laid it flat out that I'd broken every code.  I was laughing too. I didn't care about the rules, I acted on my feelings and that was that.  More entertaining then that...I received a text from Matt who was boarding his flight back to Vancouver. He wanted to keep in touch and connect on his next trip...??? Apparently the crazier you are and less you care the more attractive you become!?! There you go again...so counterintuitive. Not a wonder why so many remain single for so long.  

Is there really anyone out there who can say they know all the rules of engagement, who writes the rules anyway!?! Lol

Blue suit, brown shoes...got my eye...

I've always found a man wearing a navy suit with crisp white and blue striped shirt and classic brown shoes very attractive...until I moved into the city.  I noticed in the past few weeks it seems every many between 25-45 is wearing just that.  I giggled out loud when I passed 3 men walking together wearing almost the exact same thing... It occurred to me that at least it made it easier.  I no longer have to do the once over, the only difference at a glance was height, size and face.  I caught myself daydreaming at lunch when I went to pick up a salad.  The man in front of me was wearing the "financial district uniform" of blue with brown shoes.  But even before he turned around, something about the way the jacket fit his broad shoulders kinda had me smouldering already.

I still get a kick every time a friend points out a man and says "omg, he's so your type". It's impossible not to get a silent thrill when I think to myself, nah, not really.  How is it that something that should in theory be s easy is so complicated?  There are thousands of great looking men in this city, yet only a very small handful that grab me by that special little place that lights me up from inside...  

In the meantime, I am amused by observing the world around me. Sitting at dinner at a usual or spot the other night, our table made guesses about the couple beside us...how many dates they'd likely been on together.  Human behaviour is fascinating, sometimes it is just so natural and sometimes it isn't.  Perhaps that makes it even more challenging for singles...the more experiences you have the more analytical you are about each experience moving forward.  Ugh...an exhausting thought.  In the meantime, the smile project is spreading among friends, and what can I say... That little curve on someone's face just might be the most powerful piece of human connection. Even a complete stranger can fill me up with warmth from the inside out :). 

King West was alive with vibes the other night...all smiles :) 

The reverse smile effect...noticed :)

Too much living in the moment means no moments to catch a breath and just check in.  Tonight, I needed it.  Samantha dragged my butt to a tough power vinyasa practice.  Most who practice yoga might agree that what happens on your mat is often telling of what is happening in life.  Tonight was a struggle.  I knew it walking in the door.  The past few days have been amazing, busy, flowing, full of amazing people. But the relationship most crucial in my life at the moment is the one with myself. The yoga mat is always the place I can reconnect with that.

As I flowed through the vinyasa's, and struggled through the balance poses, every muscle in my lower body screamed, fighting to hold each pose when the burning was relentless.  I let myself out of a few, and pushed through a few others.  What was I struggling with? At last, the practice closes with Savasana or corpse pose.  A time to relax and check in, release.  In conversation with my fellow students and yogis I came to realize this was the most emotional and deep rooted part of my practice.  Often everything you struggled through and dug up in practice hits the surface, in the silence, the stillness, you are alone with your body and mind.  Tonight I knew it was time to give up the ghost... To turn over my struggles to let go of some unneeded pieces of my life, and find new space.  And there it was...

The past few weeks have been filled with dates, new friends, old friends a ton of experiences.  I had some laughs, some cries, some a-ha moments, some struggles and some pure joys.  What I needed was the time with myself to digest it all and keep moving forward. This morning I actually experienced the reverse smile effect.  I felt moody walking to work after a very late night with friends. I wasn't smiling, BUT, I did notice 3 different men who were smiling at me.  I laughed out loud to myself as I walked into the office, realizing the mood I was in was ridiculous and that I'd just missed the chance to return 3 smiles, they had made my day.  So maybe despite the moments, the vibe is still here :)

A great friend dropped by tonight as she was leaving some work in the city,  our short visit was so welcomed. A day that started out in the wrong direction has ended on a high note.  I'm smiling, thinking about the surprises tomorrow surely promises... It will be junior Friday in the city after all ;) 

Live your life in the moment...a sweet escape.

One of my all time favourite quotes, and a memory of the piece of art in the hallway of Chris' cottage. This might be perhaps one of the simplest theories in life that just might be the hardest to actually live.  I can say I've made progress :).  Recent dates and days have confirmed this for me.  When I first returned to yoga I heard the expression "be on your mat". I thought I understood that...it was many months later before I felt what it was to be truly present on my mat.  It's one of those things in life that you can't explain, but anyone who has been there can nod their head and say "I know" in the most convincing tone.  I think finding presence in your every day life is very much the same.

I met a friend for a 10 km run yesterday.  We ran by the water, struggled through our first 2 km, but by the 6th km we had hit our run all day pace.  The sun was shining, there were people everywhere feeling the same sense of release that we were.  I took inventory...a deep breath told me my lungs were clear and healthy, my legs were solid, steady and strong.  My heart was beating at a controlled but elevated pace, the sun stung my cheeks, but there was no way around the permanent smile that curled my lips from ear to ear.  The perfect way to start a day and weekend.  There was no planning, no expectation, no phone calls, no Internet, nothing... Just the music in my ears, a good friend beside me, the sun on my face and the rhythmic beat of my feet on the concrete.

I committed my day to seeing my sister who just completed her phD and moved home. I was overflowing with pride the second I saw her.  A small pang of empathy for the major life changes she was about to endure in her transition, nonetheless the weather was perfect and we wee shopping for the perfect interview outfits. Mom joined us. We sat for lunch on a patio around 2:30pm, deciding what to do next.  It occurred to me in that moment, it didn't matter, I had no timeline for the day. I was with the people I planned to be with and couldn't be happier.  We shared the silly laughs the three of us know too well in our own little world.  My sister and I pulled pranks on mom, and in her usual spirit she laughed and poked fun at herself.  No one seemed to exist beyond the bubble that surrounded the three of us.  The day flowed seamlessly from one activity to the next. We were in our flow.

This was an incredible day and weekend.  After a few days of heavy thought the escape to the moment was much welcomed. These escapes are becoming a regular thing. I noticed especially as David tried to plan so far ahead that I was resisting it. Although he didn't see it, he reminded me so much of myself in recent years. Even just a few months back, when I was trying to understand it all, figure it out, make my plan.  When I finally hit helpless, I surrendered to the moment.  All is not forgotten, but I realize I only have what is in front of me to enjoy.  Although the moments of sadness still come when I look ahead, I can more easily find my way back to now.  I have many friends who remind me of this lesson when they are living out their own fears of what may or may not happen.

The only words I can share, and repeat to myself in the same situation... In this moment, I am healthy, safe and happy, there is nothing to worry about.  Smile, keep moving...

Live your life in the moment...

Why you can't find your soulmate...

I am without a doubt a thinker, and a feeler...which makes an interesting combination and life challenge.  Although people think I'm thinking about logic and analyzing facts, I actually get more stuck on what I'm feeling then facts.  I came across this article which hit the nail on the head with my personal struggles in the past year or so. I feel a lot of truth with the overarching theme of this article, although at the moment my situation is beyond my control. Hoping this will help someone out there understand their own, please take the time to read this incredible perspective on the struggles we face with the soulmates in our lives (all of them, not just "the one"). ❤

I'd love some thoughts on this...I'm feeling a bit stuck on this one as the person who is holding my heart is not in my life, and doesn't seem to want to be...

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8976/this-is-why-you-cant-find-your-soul-mate.html 

Do you have a type? Ditch the list...

I mentioned my recent dates with David. So many ideals, I bet this guy is an amazing catch for 95% of single women...so why not for me? That is the million dollar question.  He asked me himself what my type was, he asked me what was common among the men I'd dated and more so those that I'd had serious feelings for. I do find this a fascinating topic.  Friends often point men out to me, and while I enjoy the scenery, it amuses me to see who people think are my type.

To answer David's question as he wondered whether or not I was attracted to him. I honestly could not give him the laundry list he was certain I had.  I don't flock to the guy most women drool for, in fact I'm often not interested in the least.  The city is full of gorgeous men and women, yet there are still so many singles.  I am looking for a feeling.  It's the "je ne sais quoi"...that thing you can't describe.  For me, it is something that I feel on an emotional level, that in the past has built over time to levels so strong it wouldn't matter what the person looked like. My attraction grew in a way I'd never experienced with the many that have crossed my path.  The only common feature I can identify between the special men in my past is light eyes, my mother actually pointed that out to me, now I notice it all the time!

As far as my list, I used to describe Jason, my first love, a mans man.  Tall, built like a hockey player, tough on the outside, soft on the inside.  However, he was the not one that i ever loved that fit that list.  Chris was not someone I'd ever have picked off the street, yet, he grabbed my heart on a deeper level then even Jason could. My attraction for Chris grew immensely over the course of knowing him.  It has certainly changed my approach to dating.

When I met David, I could say he was attractive for sure, however, I really felt myself searching and listening for the feeling.  I remained open to several dates with him and a few others, and realized how particular I am.  While it makes finding someone a touch more challenging, it does assure me I'm getting closer to not only find what I'm looking for but to also feeling it from the right place.  Love isn't logical. It doesn't come when you want it, or for who you'd like it to.  The soul is wiser then the mind. It will draw you to the people you need. Put away the list and listen to your heart, your gut.  

It is better to be alone then to wake up beside someone you don't FEEL everything for.  Here's to the only type...the one that connects with the depths of your soul, that reaches a place within that no one has ever touched, and lets you feel all that you inside. You may have to find a few, they may shake you to the core, but until you can risk feeling it and risk losing it, your greatest risk is never knowing it at all...ditch the list.

Chasing the Sun...About a Feeling

As I made my way down King Street the other morning if occurred to me, the reason I'd always been deterred from moving into the city was because the sun doesn't seem to make it to the ground among the tall buildings in the core...I didn't think I could live in the shadows. I'd long forgotten about this until that moment. I'm here now. For a second as my kind wandered to the dark corners of my mind, to something's that are making me uncomfortable, as I reached the next corner, the sun hit me right in the face...  In that moment, I exhaled, brought to the most surreal level of presence I realized, the sun was always around the corner, or on the next block, all I have to do when I get into the shade is keep moving.

It brings me back to a situation in my life.  As I continue to explore the dating world, and I have enjoyed it, my heart comes back to one situation.  It is that lurking shadow every time the clouds roll by.  My heart still belongs to Chris.  Although we haven't spoken in months, and I recently decided I needed to cut it off completely.  The world of dating counties to bring my head and heart back to the connection I'd felt for him. I question if and when it will go away.  I know if I keep moving, living, it will somehow, but I know as well as any of you, that the heart has a timeline of its own in these situations.

That said I remained open to others. I saw David a few more times this week.  A very sweet guy who went out of his way to drive into the city to see me, cancelled meetings, changed plans, responded to messages, made plans...bought me flowers.  He is probably what most women would consider the dream guy.  Successful, young, attractive, established, chivalrous, seeming emotionally available. But something nagged at me.  Even he asked me several times what it was that I was looking for.  As I would tell most friends, it's not so black and white.  I'm not looking for a look anymore. I'm looking for a feeling...

Although only a short few weeks seeing David. He managed to teach me something.  He was the perfect little test against the lessons I'd been studying.  He gave me a chance to be me, to be honest, to communicate, to set my own boundaries. I think I shocked myself. I did realize I still need to work on one thing... I share in the hope that someone like me will recognize the same in themselves. I am better at communicating how. Feel then ever, however, I had not mastered the "how you make me feel".  David continually prompted me to answer questions and tell him how his actions and he made me feel. A light went off in my head... For him, and maybe many, that is the deeper piece.  It was his need. I recognized that I could not fill this for him, and his need was more then I was used to as I hadn't really ever used that tool.

Sadly, when I discovered this about myself, it brought me back to Chris... I had never communicated in that way with him either. Although I don't know if that was his need in the end. What is more amazing however, is how quickly I am seeing the reason or lesson I these situations.  There is a lot to be said for the need to date... Although learning wouldn't be reason enough to keep David in my life when my heart still belongs to someone else.

Just another step in the journey...living, loving, learning :)