Surviving the Holiday Season as a Single

“I can’t believe YOU are still single?!??” There they are the words that sink a ship in a single person’s world.  Up until now life has been great, free, fun and full.  You’ve lived a life most would give anything for. Done everything you wanted, went places, slept late, snuck out early, watched the sunrise, ate breakfast at 3am, indulged in random dinners, last minute getaways and shopping sprees. You even looked forward to the holidays. Then arrived at the party, someone pointed out the obvious – you are still single. No big deal. Followed by the sucker punch, “You’re too good of a catch to be single, why are you single? I’m sure you will meet someone soon”. Suddenly, you yourself question why you are single, maybe it is you. Suddenly, being single seems like a curse, a poor soul waiting to be rescued by love.

When did living a great life become defined and tied to relationship status?  Having spent the greater part of my life in relationships, I remember more moments of loneliness in the wrong relationships then I’ve had in the past three years of single life.  

With the holidays approaching we are bombarded with images of the “perfect Holiday”. Life’s unwritten playbook cleverly painting a vision of what it means to be happy at the Holidays. Images of couples gazing lovingly at each other; the quintessential family made up of mom and dad and their two perfect children; the advertisements for the perfect gifts for him or her. It’s everywhere, the unwritten vision of a perfect life.

Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. The warm glow of the fireplace, family scattered around the room, candles and twinkling lights, delicious smells, smiles, and traditions. It was a magical time of year, until I spent my first Holiday Season alone. No “plus one” for the holiday parties.  No one to snuggle up beside by the fireplace on Christmas Eve.  No one to sleep in with and share breakfast in bed on a lazy day off.

That Christmas Eve started out great, catching up with family who had come home for the holidays. We sat to dinner, my sister and I laughing and reminiscing. Before diving into the feast before us, Mom shared her usual words of gratitude and prayer; grateful everyone made it home safely, blessed for the food on the table, great family and friends, and may Jackie find love… what? I almost choked on the lump that quickly formed in my throat.  I fell quickly into the easy trap of being victim to my circumstance.

In hindsight, and 2 additional Holiday Seasons single, the sinking feeling and sadness had nothing to do with my relationship status. Anyone can have a relationship if they want to. There is always someone who would be happy to be with you.  Therefore, being single is a choice. Is everyone who is in a relationship truly happy?

Happiness is a mindset. For those brave enough to embrace life as it is in any moment with or without a significant other, there is infinite opportunity. Through my own heartache I have learned, that the pain and dread we feel is ultimately within our control. There is very little in life more painful than a broken heart. There is a cure. However, it doesn’t come in an easy to swallow format – it’s called presence.  What we feel is the pain of a shattering dream, the vision of how life was supposed to be. No one actually knows how it will be. We just imagined how we wanted it to be. When things turn out differently, we are disappointed.  We resist being present in the moment. We look back to a moment that passed, than forward as a little voice inside points out it won’t be the same again. That hurts. Why doesn’t that same voice finish its sentence with, “...it will be better?”

The ability to change our thoughts gives us the power to change our lives. Life will continue to unfold regardless of whether you think about it or not. The holidays will come and go year after year.  Why work so hard. Let go of the vision of “what it should” look or feel like and embrace what is.  The pain and fear are resistance to the possibility of outcomes we can never know for certain.

The holiday season is no doubt an emotionally taxing time of year, especially for singles.  It can be easier. My father once told me to imagine life as two roads. They both ultimately end in the same place. One is bumpy, one is smooth. The beauty is, you get to choose which road to be on, and you get to switch back and forth as many times as you like. Which road would you choose?

That bumpy road is the road full of expectations. Disappointment cannot arise unless we had a benchmark in our head for what we expected. The holidays offer such a unique opportunity to explore what will happen when we release expectations and leave room for the unexpected.  Watch a child this Holiday Season, the marvel, the wonder, the magic. A child is free, present in every moment, unaware and uninterested in guessing all the possible outcomes of the future. Fully alive and deeply immersed in the experience of everything they feel in a given moment.  If you watch, you know exactly how they are feeling. From intense joy, anger, upset, or delight.  They are living in the moment, continually amazed as life unfolds before them. They are on the smooth road.  They openly receive the love and possibility around them.

This Holiday let your inner child out. Being single is a gift of limited responsibility for pleasing anyone but yourself. Celebrate being single. After all, it is your choice! Forget the rules. Don’t wait around to see how the holidays will turn out, full of dread of anticipation of what will happen. Wake up each day, and notice how you feel. Call the shots. Live in the moment. Host a last minute party for all of your single friends and the people in your life who make you feel amazing. Stay up late, sleep in. Make yourself breakfast in bed. Start your own traditions. Loneliness and singleness are not the same thing. Be alive and present this Holiday Season. Sit back and enjoy the Holidays and the endless opportunities and engagements that will come your way when you are open to them. Live it up. Write your own rules. Let your inner child embrace the magic.