What does easy feel like?

Here I am, still pinching myself at how surreal it is to finally appreciate what the “right” relationship for me feels like. Just as everyone who has been there says, it’s easy. That statement for many years was like nails on a chalkboard to me. I fought to make the wrong relationships work. I didn’t get it. I can appreciate why they say you’ll just know, but that’s not very reassuring for a population of singles trying to figure out exactly what it is they are searching for, and how they will know.

After a few months of getting to know my guy, and reacquainting myself with what it is to be in a relationship. I can’t help in recent weeks, out of appreciation for just how amazing it is, but wonder what about this makes it so different. The truth is, everything. So, the only other question that remained for me was, why?

The answer for me is, everything is different between two people who are both equally ready and available for a committed and healthy relationship. A ready person has more patience, more acceptance, understanding, tolerance, confidence, stability, maturity and balance, among many other traits. 

If you were to survey the wisdom shared to singles, I’m certain you might agree one of the most common threads of relationship advice comes down to finding a person with whom you can be your true self. Let’s face it. No one is perfect. But the right person for us will allow us to be our imperfect selves, in fact, I’d beg to say they will allow you to fall in love with your own imperfections in a way that makes you realize those very traits you tried to hide from the world are what makes you special. The person who can accept and even embrace those is the person with whom you can truly just be.

A person who is ready wants to know all of your flaws, not to judge you, or compare you, but rather to understand you. That same person is willing to share their own flaws, in the hope that you too will accept them. There is no timeline or reference point upon which a person needs to become ready. It is unique to every person. However, it is important to appreciate that some people are just not ready. Some may never be. 

Someone who is not ready will avoid that level of vulnerability that is so vital to building the foundation of a great and healthy relationship. Trying to make a relationship happen when one or both people in a relationship are not ready is a recipe for all of the things that makes relationships not “easy.” The imbalance results in insecurity, distance, emotional withdrawal, avoidance, all those awful feelings that leave you spinning at night with a head full of questions.

I was so used to accommodating the stress levels and needs of others in past relationships by simply promising myself I wouldn’t take the distance personally when someone pushed me away. I busied myself with life and work and every possible distraction.

Over the past few weeks, I had the chance to experience a whole different side of facing a high demand situation in the life of a partner. My guy was preparing for his half Ironman Race that took place this past weekend. I told myself right up front, I would give him the space he needed to train and prepare in the final weeks leading up to the event, fully expecting our time together to grow slim. Yet, he surprised me. Instead of pushing me away, he pulled me closer. He allowed me to be part of his world. To know what he was striving for, excited about, fearful of, all of it. He not only let me in, he pulled me in. That openness and readiness struck me on a level I didn’t expect. I already knew I had fallen in love with this man. The day of the race, I wanted to simply stay out of his way, his head space. As a former athlete, I understood the focus and the nerves of a major event. Instead, he insisted I stay right with him until his start time. I stood on the beach while he finished his swim warm up. Just as he was about ready to join his starting heat. He walked up to me, threw his arms around me pulling me close, he kissed me and whispered “I love you, see you soon,” then turned on his heel and joined the group.

I stood completely still. I was puzzled. Everything inside me was all over the place, I almost felt lost. I immediately tried to focus, and told myself “move.” I convinced myself to walk back toward the beach to find his family. My heart fluttered. I knew exactly what had happened, I just didn’t know what to do about it. In that moment, I fell even more in love with this man. I missed him before he head even set out to start what would be a gruelling 5 hours ahead for him. I now felt part of it. I stood at every view point. Refreshing the IronMan App constantly watching for his Splits to update so I could figure out how long it would be before I’d see him at the next point in the race. My heart pounded in the minutes that passed by like hours as I waited to see that he had survived each segment of the race. 

It isn’t in the easiest moments that our relationship has grown over these past few months. It has been in the challenging and vulnerable moments that my heart has continued to open, and I feel my love expanding and growing in ways I’ve never experienced. It is the “easy” everyone describes. The way that I can be me, knowing he thinks I’m cute when I’m mad, beautiful when I’m a disaster, and adoring of my every flaw to a point that it no longer makes me uncomfortable. That’s what easy feels like…

Time - A building block for the foundation of a relationship.

There are more moments i can’t help but wonder why this time feels so different? How I feel so certain, secure and happy. How the past has finally been laid to rest in peace - how everything that has happened makes complete and perfect sense. Acceptance. While true vulnerability is no less frightening than it’s ever been, this time my feet are planted firmly on the ground. There is no need or reason to run. Why? How? Because my single most important love language is being met, quality time.

I can reflect easily now and see where I lost my way in the past. Why I felt so frustrated, afraid, uncertain and for a brief period - insecure. I was involved in relationships that would never have the chance to take off, and rightfully. As my mother always reminds me, the only way to really build a relationship is to spend time with the person you want to know. My friends have also supported this notion, making space in our friendship for me to explore my relationship without feeling pressure to fit it all in the way I’ve always done.

This past week - I had the chance to escape for a few days to Chad’s cottage. We had both had a crazy few weeks between our jobs, travel and his training. I hadn’t even realized until we were alone how much I craved the chance to just escape. To escape the stress, the distractions, and the every day demands of life. Alone at last, we shared a bottle of wine as the last of the sunset faded into the lake before us. There was quiet. The breeze was soft. I closed my eyes, inhaled and embraced the warmth of his strong hand on my knee. I held that breath, bringing the world inside me to a complete standstill. I needed to feel this moment, and I needed everything to stop long enough for my heart to feel the magic of this connection. I exhaled slowly, opening my eyes to look at him. The moment required no words. He turned, fixing his beautiful blue eyes on mine, and smiled. I squeezed his hand, and felt a shiver as the sun disappeared and the chill of the night air set in. He stood up, pulling me out of the Muskoka Chair and embraced me, we made our way back into the Cottage. 

In my comfiest pajamas, I curled up on the couch beside him to watch a movie. I couldn’t pin it, but I needed this escape, to recenter, to reconnect, to rebalance. I needed to find quiet to check in with myself, my heart. After four years alone, the past few months had been surreal. A person who made the time. Who put priority on building a relationship. Who, like me, believed.

We spent every free moment walking, talking, sharing. We cooked together, ate together, relaxed together, exercised together - we grew together. With the freedom to be ourselves, we explored the boundaries of who we were as individuals and together. We each sought to understand each other in a new way. Not to be like one another, but to appreciate how we could support each other. I wanted to know how I could support him both professionally and in his personal goals. I felt the reciprocal from him.

At the end of the day, perhaps where or how we meet someone, how long we’ve known someone, how much we want someone, how hard we try are really not indicative of the likelihood of a relationship getting off the ground. Perhaps there are no rules, no timelines. For me however, the time invested has made the difference - relieving the uncertainty, providing security, building the connection. For every person who’s ever made the excuse “i’m busy,” I can finally say with truth “we all are.” You make the time when you want to. Chad and I both hold busy jobs, and social lives - when you are ready, and interested, there are no excuses. You want so badly to share the moment, you create them. 

If you’re making excuses for a busy person, or you are making an excuse to someone else about how busy you are - I can only urge you to be honest with yourself…

While there was a time I believed that a relationship might “restrict” my life to some capacity, I now firmly believe it to be just the opposite. I feel supported, freed from the worry and encouraged to grow and expand both as an individual and within a partnership.