Not Quite Like the Movies....

As long as I can remember, I’ve carried the belief, that the right guy would hold on to me, no matter what issues I carried. You know the one in the movie that refuses to quit on the one they love until they can make them see it... I’ve caught myself telling friends, what I need is the guy who is going to nail my feet to the ground so I will stop running.  What if what I’ve been looking for is already in my life, I just don’t recognize him?

Today I had an a-ha moment… I’ve been looking for the uber obvious character from every romance movie, but maybe just maybe that guy is in my life, he just doesn’t look the same? Perhaps it’s not the high drama of an intense argument where one fights for the one he/she loves.  What if we’ve overlooked the one that simply doesn’t run, despite the number of times you mess up… Yes, guilty! I’ve done it all. Everything the books describe about an insecure and scared girl in love. If you’ve followed my blog, you may recall that I’ve cut him out of my life 4 times and run, alternatively tried forcing a commitment, and everything in between. I’ve messed up, then spiraled even more because I was mad at myself for messing up. I’ve pointed fingers, played the victim, and just plain given up.  A few times he called me back after I ran. In the end, I started coming back on my own.  The last time took literally 2 months of silence.  Despite the not so nice things I said and did, he was willing to talk and let me back in – albeit at an arms-length, justifiably so.  I decided having him in my life was making me crazy, then quickly learned each time that not having him in my life hurt even more.   At the end of the day, I realize… he’s still in my life a year later despite a lot of craziness.  So I guess I’ve proved to myself, it’s never too late…

I am that girl… the one the books write about, who just keeps on doing the same thing expecting different results. Full of fear, afraid to get hurt again, afraid to choose the wrong man, to keep ending up with people who give half as much as I deserve.  Chris was the first to bring this to my awareness… and let me tell you, I hated him for it. I felt rejected and judged, especially because he wouldn’t give in to me.  Yet, when it came down to it, he did call me out. It’s taken me a year to understand everything he said to me, and to find a whole new level of self-awareness.  It took some getting used to the feedback everytime I messed up… but now I understand that once he says it, he lets it go. I can stop living in the past, punishing myself for every mistake I make. And as my dad reminds me, just smile and play dumb, go back to having fun and forget what’s done.   It’s taking work, but as I try this I really do see the rubberband.

I’ve realized, the person in my life, although still not committed, never seems to hold my behaviours against me for longer than to tell me they bothered him.  As soon as I stop the spiral and relax, and move forward like nothing happened, they seem to be long forgotten. Things get back to normal, and often I feel us getting closer again. So maybe he is or isn’t my movie guy, but he’s definitely serving a purpose in my life. Sadly, I know what will help us move forward, yet it is a battle for me everyday – to relax and be myself, love myself enough to put my needs first, communicate properly and trust that things are where they are meant to be for today, be in it today.  I don’t get into trouble until I try to see too far ahead.

Keep your eyes open for the one in disguise…

Just Be...

Sounds so simple? And it could be… but not with a mind like mine J. In my hiatus I’ve spent a lot of time reading, and thinking, even meeting with my therapist to try to understand this whole complicated business of dating… Strangely, the one person who could put it all into perspective for me was probably the last person I ever would have expected myself to go to for dating advice… my dad. Lol.

Before I share his words of wisdom, I also want to tell you about an incredible site/ebook I had the chance to read which oddly connects a lot of what I’ve blogged about unknowingly over the past year. If you are trying to wrap your head around self-awareness and behaviours that drive someone away (although it’s highly geared to help women – worth a read for anyone) check out www.christiancarter.com. I originally signed up for the free e-newsletters and eventually couldn’t resist but to buy the ebook. There are still a few others I’m dying to check out. But even the daily newsletters are full of unbelievable insight.

Back to my own dating gongshow. I haven’t written in a while, but in hindsight I’ve been busy testing and seriously proving all of the theories right… I’ve been seeing Chris again – the one whom I haven’t been able to resolve one way or the other – to be together or to let go of. After some time apart and a very candid conversation where I opened up and was extremely honest about my feelings he miraculously did the same. It had been months of both of us trying to spend time together with our guards up, then pulling away and back and forth it went. Suddenly things were back on track, he was in touch, and wanting to schedule time together. I even had the chance to stay the night a few times, which I hadn’t done since we first dated last year.

Why the change? Well… something in me shifted… I gave up trying to be the tough independent casual girl. I spoke from the heart. It went really well for about a month… then I had a moment where I reacted with insecurity to feeling some distance, and tried and true – he retreated again! This time… I didn’t run. I let it be. I got busy with my own life… and surely, he reached out again. I’ve learned a few things through all of this… Firstly, he liked me, I was enough just as I was when we met, he doesn’t like the girl I try to be. Secondly, it’s never too late… the biggest challenge I’ve faced with Chris is every time I screw up, I screw up more trying to fix it… when I just let it be, and stop punishing myself and convincing him, it finds its way back.

So, this weekend, Chris took me to the cottage, just the two of us for a solid 20 hours of time alone. For once, I managed to quell my thoughts and just be there with him. It took so much pressure off and it really ended up being nice. There were no heavy deep conversations. Just simple time, a few good laughs, and the chance to see each other away from the distractions of life. When we got back to the city, we missed the chance to spend another evening together. Neither of us spoke up until I was already at home in bed and realizing I wanted to be with him still – when I texted to thank him and mention that, he replied the same. Right then and there it crossed my mind to regret not taking the chance… then I thought to my dad’s advice and realized, it’s a good thing. Things are where they are meant to be for now. It left off well…

Back to my dad… after a long heart to heart recently, I opened up and shared with him my dating challenges. He could not believe how much both Chris and he were alike. Ever since I’ve gone to him with my panic – this has prevented me from self-sabotaging behaviours with Chris. He reminds me everytime – RELAX. Then gave me a visual – imagine life as two roads, they run fairly close together, and both end up in the same spot. That is life… now, one of those roads is bumpy, the other smooth – which do you choose?  Some of the wisest advice that I find myself coming back to whenever I let my thoughts on the situation get out of control.  I can choose the smooth road, knowing it will lead me wherever I need to be. And I know anyone I date will do the same. I don’t always need an agenda or a goal. Sometimes there are no answers at the moment – this has been hard to accept. But as Chris once said to me “What’s the emergency? Why do you need to make a decision today?” when I was on the verge of running…

So, time for me to take the smooth road and “Just Be”, it’s enough… and despite the tumultuous year that it’s been, he’s still in my life… so, it’s never too late.