As long as I can remember, I’ve carried the belief, that the right guy would hold on to me, no matter what issues I carried. You know the one in the movie that refuses to quit on the one they love until they can make them see it... I’ve caught myself telling friends, what I need is the guy who is going to nail my feet to the ground so I will stop running. What if what I’ve been looking for is already in my life, I just don’t recognize him?
Today I had an a-ha moment… I’ve been looking for the uber obvious character from every romance movie, but maybe just maybe that guy is in my life, he just doesn’t look the same? Perhaps it’s not the high drama of an intense argument where one fights for the one he/she loves. What if we’ve overlooked the one that simply doesn’t run, despite the number of times you mess up… Yes, guilty! I’ve done it all. Everything the books describe about an insecure and scared girl in love. If you’ve followed my blog, you may recall that I’ve cut him out of my life 4 times and run, alternatively tried forcing a commitment, and everything in between. I’ve messed up, then spiraled even more because I was mad at myself for messing up. I’ve pointed fingers, played the victim, and just plain given up. A few times he called me back after I ran. In the end, I started coming back on my own. The last time took literally 2 months of silence. Despite the not so nice things I said and did, he was willing to talk and let me back in – albeit at an arms-length, justifiably so. I decided having him in my life was making me crazy, then quickly learned each time that not having him in my life hurt even more. At the end of the day, I realize… he’s still in my life a year later despite a lot of craziness. So I guess I’ve proved to myself, it’s never too late…
I am that girl… the one the books write about, who just keeps on doing the same thing expecting different results. Full of fear, afraid to get hurt again, afraid to choose the wrong man, to keep ending up with people who give half as much as I deserve. Chris was the first to bring this to my awareness… and let me tell you, I hated him for it. I felt rejected and judged, especially because he wouldn’t give in to me. Yet, when it came down to it, he did call me out. It’s taken me a year to understand everything he said to me, and to find a whole new level of self-awareness. It took some getting used to the feedback everytime I messed up… but now I understand that once he says it, he lets it go. I can stop living in the past, punishing myself for every mistake I make. And as my dad reminds me, just smile and play dumb, go back to having fun and forget what’s done. It’s taking work, but as I try this I really do see the rubberband.
I’ve realized, the person in my life, although still not committed, never seems to hold my behaviours against me for longer than to tell me they bothered him. As soon as I stop the spiral and relax, and move forward like nothing happened, they seem to be long forgotten. Things get back to normal, and often I feel us getting closer again. So maybe he is or isn’t my movie guy, but he’s definitely serving a purpose in my life. Sadly, I know what will help us move forward, yet it is a battle for me everyday – to relax and be myself, love myself enough to put my needs first, communicate properly and trust that things are where they are meant to be for today, be in it today. I don’t get into trouble until I try to see too far ahead.
Keep your eyes open for the one in disguise…
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