A New Vision of Strength...

True strength may not look as I've always imagined it... It is not the ability to hide the emotions, to be perfect, to not get hurt, to not make mistakes... But the courage to admit our feelings, accept our feelings, allow our feelings.  Strength is the ability to say I'm not ok right now, but I will be.  The courage to shed a tear without guilt or shame.  To admit we are hurt or feel rejected.  Then to stand back up and say it will be better the next time. 

Some amazing people in my life have opened my eyes to realize that true strength is the ability to stand in your own shoes...not the shoes someone else suggests for you.

These past few months have truly put my strength to the test.  Beyond the changes in home and work... My love life has continued to test my definition of strength.  I discovered my growth in this respect (with much help from some amazing friends) has come from checking the ego (my drive for the perfect story in my head), understanding, accepting, listening to and voicing my feelings, and finally the ability to reach out for help when I needed it.  

Since moving to the city, I've had to truly face the reality of the situation with Chris.  I have felt a host of emotions... Love, hurt, confusion, frustration, denial, anger, acceptance...and oddly have landed at gratitude.  I can't change the situation for today, I don't even understand it... But I don't need to continue to struggle against it either.  I have turned my thoughts to gratitude. To have felt all of those things means that I really learned something from the relationship... How to feel again.  That in itself may be the greatest gift someone can give, to break your heart open so it can realize love more deeply.  I realize I have a choice... To guard myself from hurt again as I've done... Or to appreciate that I know what love feels like, and at the risk of pain, it will one day all be worth it again. With that, I've decided to open my heart and have opened myslef back up to dating... This time I know I'm strong enough :) 

A quote that helped me gain a new perspective, and sense of strength in that I have the choice:

"There are two kinds of pain. The pain that hurts you, and the pain that changes you"

I chose change...❤

Do you have to get lost again to find yourself?

So it is true...just when you think you've figured out who you are, everything changes or you make the realization that everything needs to change.  And then it does...

I often consider myself a "change expert". That is after I've gone through the change and adjusted and begin to find the bright spots at the end of the change. However, in the middle of it, who's kidding who... It sucks, it's uncomfortable and mostly it just makes me itch for the comfort of what I knew, despite not wanting it when I had it.  I'm sure I'm not alone in this...

The good news is, as life goes on and you grow in self-awareness... You have many experiences to refer back to and push yourself through. For those who have been following my blog I'm sure you have seen countless examples of this in my life.  Well... I did it again.

Almost 3 years after leaving my marriage and living alone in the burbs, a number of dating experiences, loves, pains, and change, I continued to rediscover myself only to realize that maybe just maybe I was no longer the small town girl anymore.  Perhaps it was time to get lost in the city to see if I could find myself again.  I did just that... Moved downtown.

Amazing things have happened since... Mostly I've continued to evolve, learn grow and meet incredible new people, each of whom has taught me so much more about who I am.  I wish I cold say it's been a walk in the park kind of decision.  But almost 2 months in, things keep changing and I've had moments of wondering who the hell I am again, wondering if I should have just stayed in the burbs, wondering if it'd just be easier to go back.  BUT, as someone who believes it all happens for a reason, I take a scan of all that I've learned, all that's happened and realize... I am still exactly where I'm meant to be for today.

It's been scary, exciting, painful... But it will somehow all be worth it... I'm optimistic... And as promised have decided to hop back on the blog-wagon and share my journey again. Thanks for joining me...