True strength may not look as I've always imagined it... It is not the ability to hide the emotions, to be perfect, to not get hurt, to not make mistakes... But the courage to admit our feelings, accept our feelings, allow our feelings. Strength is the ability to say I'm not ok right now, but I will be. The courage to shed a tear without guilt or shame. To admit we are hurt or feel rejected. Then to stand back up and say it will be better the next time.
Some amazing people in my life have opened my eyes to realize that true strength is the ability to stand in your own shoes...not the shoes someone else suggests for you.
These past few months have truly put my strength to the test. Beyond the changes in home and work... My love life has continued to test my definition of strength. I discovered my growth in this respect (with much help from some amazing friends) has come from checking the ego (my drive for the perfect story in my head), understanding, accepting, listening to and voicing my feelings, and finally the ability to reach out for help when I needed it.
Since moving to the city, I've had to truly face the reality of the situation with Chris. I have felt a host of emotions... Love, hurt, confusion, frustration, denial, anger, acceptance...and oddly have landed at gratitude. I can't change the situation for today, I don't even understand it... But I don't need to continue to struggle against it either. I have turned my thoughts to gratitude. To have felt all of those things means that I really learned something from the relationship... How to feel again. That in itself may be the greatest gift someone can give, to break your heart open so it can realize love more deeply. I realize I have a choice... To guard myself from hurt again as I've done... Or to appreciate that I know what love feels like, and at the risk of pain, it will one day all be worth it again. With that, I've decided to open my heart and have opened myslef back up to dating... This time I know I'm strong enough :)
A quote that helped me gain a new perspective, and sense of strength in that I have the choice:
"There are two kinds of pain. The pain that hurts you, and the pain that changes you"
I chose change...❤
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