Clarity was the gift I was denying

The little voice inside is always right. Despite finding the answer I always dreaded, for some odd reason, I feel relieved.  I feel reconnected with myself.  I was in love with someone who I also felt so much fear with. It's been a year and a half, and for one of the first times in my life I had become incredibly insecure, fearful. I couldn't put a finger on it.  Naturally uncertainty is a small part of all relationships, but this kind was not within reason.

Just as John Lennon says "Let it be...there will be an answer, let it be", there was.  I'm sad that my fear was right, but feel relieved to know it wasn't unwarranted, it was real, and after months of questioning myself, I'm thanking myself today.

Sometimes, in vulnerability, trusting ourselves becomes the hardest thing. Love isn't always logical. We don't get to turn it off and on.  Emotional pain is often as destructive nod sometimes more painful than physical pain.  The only other lesson I learned from this was that I could avoid the truth for as long as I wanted, but it wouldn't make the truth go away...

Today the sun is shining, and I understand.  Clarity is the gift I was denying

The noise of words unspoken...

I had dinner with a great friend tonight, and it hit me. The confusion I'm feeling right now, and every time I struggle in matters of love is all the noise in my head.  The question, what is that noise?  My friend pointed out in not so many words through his very pointed and guiding questions, that the noise is the rattling around of all the thoughts and words I carry because I have until now refused to say them.

Yes, all of the words...I miss you, I'm sorry, I'd love to see you, I happy, I'm sad, I'm excited, you make me smile, I hurt, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm nervous, I love you...I could go on.  But anyone who's been there ism likely nodding there head saying they've got a head full of their own words and feelings.  The other half of the noise is all of the debates around why you should or shouldn't say how you feel.

What if the simple answer to quieting the mind was to simple say how you feel when you feel it without question. As I had to be reminded this weekend, the challenge in life is not screwing up too often, it's about how you handle it when you do...  I have been so afraid to mess up I haven't been free to be me. 

Today is the day I give myself the freedom to start over.  Maybe love really is infinite, and I have been selfishly saving it needlessly thinking it wouldn't come back to refill my supply.  What if the more you give away the more that will be returned.  Maybe not by the ones you want it from, but there's an infinite supply in this world.  What's the worst that could happen when you say what's in your heart and mind? Peace of mind...?

❤❤❤❤❤

Eating crow, Authenticity, Soul on Display

It's been a while. Every time I sat to write the words were just not there. My life is going amazingly. Professionally things are exactly where I want them, socially life is buzzing full of warmth, fun and opportunity, and even in love affairs, I have been - for the most part- happy.  Benjamin has been ideal, I'm enjoying getting to know him at my own pace and have no worries or expectations, which seems to be the key to the right vibe. He is in touch, schedules time, he's easy to be around and allows me to express myself openly without judgment.  Yet, half of my ability to be this way is due to some tough lessons learned from someone else in my life, with whom I had some unresolved turmoil. 

 This week it was affecting me more then usual. I wanted nothing more then to reach out, but I had been the one to ask him not to contact me.  Now I was punishing myself. Miraculously we connected this week.  As he put it "you're drinking the poison expecting me to die". He was right. My old pattern had come back.  I shut him out and did what I do best, ran. I got myself in over my head and instead of just communicating simply and giving him a chance to express his own feelings, I made the decision and wrote everything off. 

Grateful for the opportunity, yet nervous as hell, I faced him this weekend. Once again I needed to "eat crow". It took a couple of conversations before I felt something inside release. I had been trying so hard for so long to say all the right things, to be perfect.  Instead of trusting my own gut, I sought the advice of a few close friends.  I was mixed up, defensive, hurting, and I didn't know what to do.  I'm grateful that this person has once again opened the door to discussion and embarrassingly taught me the same lesson yet again.  I felt the resentment in his body language, tone. It cut me emotionally like a knife.  Instead of trusting my own feelings and being the person I really am, I held tightly onto my guard and tried to defend myself by lashing out at him, I tried (not consciously) to hurt him to protect myself.  In the end I have only hurt myself more.  I hated having slammed the door on a person I cared so much about. 

Interestingly, an opportunity presented to further the conversation. It was a painful and highly uncomfortable discussion. However, it was eye opening. It took a couple loads of bricks over the head before I heard the message.  He didn't expect me to be perfect.  He just expected me to be comfortable enough to make mistakes, then make them right.  My gut had told me that all along. My head told me to hold my ground.  Guess which I should have listened to?  Only grateful that I was given the chance to hear this message again.  Now it's time to really work on it again.

Authenticity is everything.  Being yourself, and being happy with it is a gift.  I have made a lot of progress in that respect, but I tripped hard this time. Flat on my face. So here I am. The reality is, what's done is done. I am making a solid promise to go back to the work I started back in the start of the year. To make the time to check in. To trust my gut, and live by it. To stop over thinking situations and live them. To reflect at the end of each day that my actions match my values, and that I am not carrying guilt or apprehension for any actions on my part that were not in line with my values.  

I need to be authentic in all areas of my life. To expose the real person, knowing she's not perfect, but she has a beautiful and warm soul that would never wish harm on anyone. Softness is not weakness, strength is being comfortable in your softness. I like the soft me better. She goes head over heels at things, and she risks the chance of getting hurt, it believes she is strong enough to get through whatever life throws at her. 

Here goes...time to put my soul on display. I've never been stronger. Let the next chapter in this journey begin...