It's always the one's I underestimate...

I woke up this morning and could feel every single tiny muscle in my upper body. I’m not going to lie, I kind of love it! This is the feeling that keeps me going back to my training for more! I do have a confession to make… I underestimated Cindy.

Time and time again in life, I find countless examples of what happens when I underestimate anything. Those are always the very things that later blow my mind. As a softball player, I loved being the underdog team, and we almost always won those championships. It just goes to show you expectations sink ships.

After a great week of workouts, late Friday night, my body felt exhausted. As most of my fellow CrossFitters do, I waited eagerly to see the Coach post our Workout of the Day (WOD)  for Saturday. Curious to know if a) I could survive one more workout this week b) if I could mentally prepare myself to believe I could. And, it was “Cindy”. A workout made up of body weight movements - Pull-ups, Push-ups, Air Squats. My favourite!!!  I actually was excited, although aware it would be a 20 minute session of As Many Rounds As Possible (AMRAP). I prepared myself by saying I would just pace myself. I removed the need for a target number of rounds.

Sure enough, it was a tough workout. But more fascinating, was how many workouts I had perceived to be tougher hadn’t crushed my body the way Cindy did! If I looked the way I feel right now, I’d walk down King Street West in the middle of winter in my bikini :)

On a serious note, just another reminder to embrace what comes. Disappointment is really only possible when I set an expectation to benchmark anything against. Otherwise, everything becomes a delight.

Thank you “Cindy” for the butt-kicking reminder! I don’t think I want to do another push-up for a month, but can’t wait to see what today brings. xo

I've Got a Feeling...

Can't explain it... but I've got a feeling. It was one of those mornings where I beat the alarm to wake up. I love when my day starts that way. Except... with the gloomy cold weather in Toronto, it was the kind I had to fight with myself to roll out of the warm cozy blankets and get on with life. Even harder to get my head around going to CrossFit for the usual Saturday morning ass kicking. But I did!  I can't help it, my CrossFit friends just make me smile. With a tough 20 minute AMRAP of "Cindy" it was over before I knew it. There is no better feeling than finishing a workout you dreaded starting and being so happy you did.

My favourite part of being on my own at this time in life is never really having to commit to any plans. So, I went right from CrossFit, no shower, just a smile to do my next favourite thing on a Saturday. Grocery Shopping!!! Yes. I absolutely LOVE grocery shopping. I actually get a kick out of people who squirm when I say that. It is an adventure to me! What will I find next? I often don't end up buying much (although today was a splurge) but I look at EVERYTHING!!! My headphones in, killer tunes in my ears and lost in my own wonderland, amazing.

It's that kind of day people. I can't explain it, but I've got a feeling... I am excited and I really have nothing planned. Except some personal running around. I can't help but believe that means a super unexpected awesome day lays ahead...

Oh and p.s. I'm slightly fascinated by the man who asked me out through LinkedIN. 

In the best mood ever, bring it at me life :) I'm ready!

Happy Weekend!!! <3 

To Date or Not To Date...?

I used to fill my schedule intentionally, with random dates, dinners with friends and clients, anything just not to feel the emptiness of being single. It was awesome for a while, until I found myself juggling, putting so much pressure on myself in order to later squeeze in the things that would come up that I really wanted to do. The people I wanted to see, places I wanted to visit. All I knew is I suddenly had no time to sit home with a mind that took me to terrible places. I was afraid to be with me.

Eventually I burnt myself out. I had been avoiding myself for years. Now incredible things were coming into my life, and I could never seem to find the time to wrap my head around them and truly digest the magnitude of every incredible experience. I began craving that time for me. It was a whole new feeling. I wanted to sit home on a Friday night and write, digest, do nothing. Just be.

In the very way I have always talked about, life continued to steer me in the direction I needed to be. I couldn’t explain how or why, I had let go of my plan, my mind just needed a break. Everything seemed to be in order with little effort on my part. Here I was, sitting alone, in my condo in the heart of King West, one of the busiest and most lively parts of the city, and it felt a million miles away, my oasis. I finally felt satiated. 

With my career progressing, and friendships transforming, oddly all the things I used to go out and work so hard to make happen were coming to me. Including, men. Yet, here I am, and although I am open to and very much wanting the real deal, I find myself so completely satisfied with my life as it is…

I have about a week left before I hit the road again, personally and professionally for three weeks, and I feel myself reluctant to give up that time to anyone but my friends.  Time has continually proven to be the  most valuable resource I have. 

To date or not to date.Ironic…

My Mexican Love Affair...

The wind whipped against my face as I walked to meet a friend for an early birthday celebration.  We met up at the Ritz in Toronto after an indecisive hour of back and forth over a deciding on a new spot to enjoy on a spontaneous Wednesday night in the city. After a glass of champagne and a menu that just didn’t speak to our taste buds. We hopped in a cab and decided to check out a new spot I’d been hearing of - Fonda Lola.

From the second we walked through the door, we were whisked a thousand miles away… the table benches were made of stacked skids, around the room hung hearts in bird cages. The warmth of the room so welcoming and soothing we quickly forgot about the blistering Canadian Winter that lay outside the door.

I approached a man to ask for Andres, the mysterious man I’d connected with several months prior on twitter but never met. The man turned and greeted me with the warmest brown eyes and a smile. “Andres, I am he”. I explained how we knew each other, and within moments, we were seated at an intimate table for three. Andres placed a bottle of fine organic tequila in front of us, and said “we must drink tequila”. 

I could not put a finger on it, but I felt immediately within the presence of a soul I’d know for a very long time. Andres placed 3 shot glasses on the table and poured each half full. He picked up a glass and said “Salut!”. We stopped to inquire about a lemon. He chuckled and smiled gently, and said “that my friends is not how you drink tequila. We will sip it.” He went on to explain that the world had a misconception of the fine art of drinking tequila. He pointed out the instinct to take the shot then inhale and squint in the sting of the alcohol afterburn. With the most romantic of tongues, he explained. “take a sip, exhale through your nose, then through your mouth.”. Just like that, there was no afterburn. It was smoother than wine…My curiosity was peaked, my mind wide open.

Andres entertained my friend and I that evening, taking us a world away from the city for a few hours to an authentic Mexican Experience. While we were busy mulling over the menu and debating what we would share, he was busy cuing the kitchen to serve up his very best. The lightest and most exquisite Guacamole, a flavour packed Kale Salad, the menu went on… Every item tickled our tastebuds, and every word he used to beautifully and lovingly describe his menu touching our hearts. This was a whole new kind of romance…

We had butterflies, simply mesmerized soaking up Andres passion and love for fresh authentic Mexican food and fine tequila. I fell head over heels in love dish after dish. From Organic, to Reposado, to Anejo, I fell deeper in love with Tequila. 

We could not help but hop into a cab late in the evening with that satisfied, happy, in love feeling. It was the kind of connection that makes life rich and full. That moment in the day when something lights your soul on fire. Not only did I discover the best Mexican Food, Tequila, and Margarita’s in the city, but I also got the chance to relive that feeling… Thank you Andres and the incredible team at Fonda Lola. I will be back!

I look forward to falling in love again tomorrow and every single day for the rest of my life. <3

It's Just a Bruise...

Almost three weeks ago, on a Friday night, I had a wee bit of a Jax sized accident at CrossFit. As my friends remind me, I’m an all-in kind of girl.  In the fourth round of Box Jumps, I somehow managed to miss the box and sent myself sailing head first into the concrete pillar two feet in front of me. Least to say I was in shock, it happened so fast. It was the kind of moment you wish you could pretend never happened and no one noticed. But it did… I had a goose egg the size of a golfball on my forehead, and worst, a photoshoot the next day for my book cover.

Oddly, life went on. Although the fleeting thought of “I can’t go back there, I’m so embarrassed…” crossed my mind. Monday came, and craving the workout, Black Eye in full throttle, I went back. I felt uneasy walking in. I’m not one for the additional attention and in this situation, it was embarrassing. But slowly, one by one, the incredible members of my CrossFit community not only asked what happened and if I was ok, but shared their own stories of “box jump” pain and fears. Even better, I got more high fives for showing up again and getting right back at it. I couldn’t help but smile. What if I had surrendered to the idea of not showing my face until it healed…

So, I carried on. The photoshoot went on without a hitch. My brilliant friend and photography (www.marcialeeder.com), yes she deserves a plug LOL captured a beautiful and heartfelt cover or my book. The blackeye had no bearing. Even my head shots turned out :). Just the night before, everyone had been suggesting we rebook the shoot. The funny thing about life is, it goes on…

With the exception of the times I looked in the mirror, I mostly forgot about my black eye, until I would run into someone who was in utter shock at the sight. I couldn’t help but smile, the reality was it made them more uncomfortable than me. There was no more pain, but there was a great story. I met a friend for coffee, who’s first comment was “most women would have said they weren’t available to see me, good for you!” A girlfriend and I went for some retail therapy, the one poor girl who asked got the shock of a lifetime when my friend jokingly responded on my behalf “Her boyfriend punched her in the face”. We all burst into giggles knowing someone had just beaten up the elephant in the room. 

Oddly, I learned a lot of lessons about myself and life these past few weeks. Firstly, it’s just a bruise… the only thing stopping me from carrying on would be my ego, physically I was fine.  There was much life to be lived, and every reason I had not to keep on was in my head.  Also, we have no way of controlling others responses or reactions, but if we go looking for the negative, we might actually draw it. The responses I got made me realize I was tough enough, and we all trip once in a while. We all have accidents and heartaches. The choice to keep on living is completely ours. I’m glad I didn’t sacrifice three weeks of awesome workouts, and even stronger relationships to my CrossFit community over a bruise…

It’s just a bruise…

Living Proof...Believe

Exhale… finally a chance to sit and digest everything that has happened in the past two months.  Yesterday I attended my first official book launch along with 3 other brilliant authors. I had known for a couple weeks that I would be standing in front of a room of media, established authors, industry experts, peers, publicists, publishers, friends, family and aspiring authors. I anticipated it would be nerve-racking. 

This past week, I spent countless nights reading my work, listening to the feedback of the many who have supported me through my blog, twitter, facebook and everyday life. Trying to feel the message I was meant to deliver. Night after night, I dragged my laptop to bed. Wrote and wrote and wrote. The next night, I picked up and started a new document. Again and again and again. I realized that every time I sat to write, I had a different perspective,  different angle, an entirely different topic.

I finally abandoned the idea. I thought about every time I’ve ever delivered in a similar situation. I am not one to plan these things. I don’t have the capacity or desire to memorize, rehearse, and for the life of me refuse to record and hear myself! :). I know someone out there is agreeing with me. So, 72 hours before the big day, I handed it over… I decided not to worry about it. I knew one way or another, I could stand before a room for 10 minutes and if life experience had taught me something, no matter what happened, it would be over before I knew it and it would be fine.

So there I stood. i stepped onto the stage, was handed a microphone, and turned to face a room full of eyes focused on me.  I took a deep breath, then opened my mouth, and did what I do.Said the first thing that came to my mind. Not two minutes into my speech, someone’s phone rang…I almost panicked. I knew my attention span would be lost. Instead, I stopped and listened. What happened blew my mind. The ring tone was “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. A song near and dear to my heart and one that I wrote about in the very book I was launching. 

I looked right at my Book Coach who had planned the whole event, and in front of a room full of onlookers asked “did that just happen on purpose? did someone set that up?”. Before the words were out of my mouth, I knew the answer.  I couldn’t help but smile. I had prayed for the direction, and here it was, in the loudest most undeniable form.

Before I could think again, my heart spoke to the room about the significance of that song, and how the room had just been witness to believing that you will get exactly what you need… a remarkable moment in my life that I will never forget.

Believe…

Leaning a little...

If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that I am not super human.  Sometimes life throws a little more than I can handle alone. This has been one of those weeks.  With my first book set to be released in just over 48 hours, I have found the very human side of myself.  I have had to lean a little today, and I am so glad I did. All around me exists an incredible network of love and support, that continues to allow me to just be me knowing there is a soft landing should I fall.  

When I began my writing journey over 2 years ago, it started with a piece about timing. I wrote about an experience that occurred that was the result of the timing of a sequence of events that put me in a very specific place at a very specific moment making me realize, it was meant to happen.  It was the start of journey of noticing life lining itself up with only one requirement for me - to remain open. Any resistance to the events would have produced a very different outcome.

As I sat tonight to layout my message for the book launch on Saturday, I felt a sense of panic. What if the words don’t come? What if my message isn’t clear? What if I can’t even remember why I wrote the book?

Oddly, it was that kind of day. They happen, I’m human. Incredibly, one by one, the very things and people I needed started to show up in my life. My phone rang off the hook tonight. Friends and family who felt the need to check in with me. Each conversation encouraging and reminding  me about the journey I’ve been on, the message in my heart, and my impact in their lives. So I am reminded again, to have the courage and faith to believe that I will get everything I need. My only job is not to figure it all out, but to be open and ask for what I need.

Better yet, it felt good to lean a little… giving isn’t the only way to love, receiving is equally important, as it leaves room for others to give as well.

Here I Am NOW - My book launching January 18, 2014

Very excited to announce that I will be launching my very first book this weekend. A great big thank you to everyone who has supported this blog over these past two years. You were the inspiration I needed to embark on this journey. It's been an amazing and healing experience. I hope to continue to share the next phase soon.

Follow me on FaceBook for updates and information:  www.facebook.com/jaxmattioli

Keep believing... Jax

Here I Am Now, Jax's first published book is a story of falling down and getting back up in a tireless search for the deepest love that exists.  Her mission was to bare her soul, sharing a journey that broke her heart open to love.  She hopes to touch lives and soften hearts by giving the hope and courage to live and love out loud.  Jax encourages shaking hands with the person who walks every day in your shoes, so that you too may forget the rules and trust and follow the guidance of your heart.  Embrace the gift of heartbreak and break down invisible walls.  Be vulnerable, so that you may discover your true strength and open yourself to a world of opportunity.  She believes you can free your heart by turning pain into acceptance and forgiveness.  Finally, to live every day of your life with a beautiful heart, believing in love.

Who's Waiting for a Guy to Buy a Little Blue Box?:)

It’s been the kind of week where everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, yet I feel about as balanced as I can be. I must have learned a trick or two these past few years. Between a black eye before the photo shoot for my book cover, and the race to get my book to print before the launch this coming weekend, mysteriously and miraculously Mother Nature freed up the necessary time to squeeze it all in. My trip to Chicago was cancelled last minute last week. It’s funny how blessings come in such great disguise.

I finally thought I would get a night off, and checked into the Four Seasons Hotel with a friend for the evening. The perfect night to just chill out, order room service in bed and watch the Golden Globes. Except I couldn’t sleep. Clearly was not very “in the moment”. So today I woke up utterly exhausted. Never a good start. 

Things started fast and furious when I heard from the printer who had apparently did not know he was going to land this project to be completed before the weekend. And good morning with another heart attack. I had planned to take nap but the adrenaline was pumping. After getting the situation resolved the best that I could, a number of phone calls and a handful of panic attacks. I decided it a time-out was in order. With a few hours left, I abandoned everything else and took some time for me.

I called up a girlfriend and met a Sherway Gardens for some last minute retail therapy. It was time to surrender the stress, and leave it up to the people who could actually do something about it. After a couple of hours, and small purchases later, I must say I was feeling better. 

Then I got to thinking, with  my book launch this weekend, I deserved a special reward. So to Tiffany’s I went to find the perfect earrings to wear with my dress this weekend. I couldn’t help but smile with the little blue box in hand. I sure didn’t need to wait on anyone to enter my life and buy  me one. This was living, and I was delighted.  Sometimes, you just need to step back and take care of the only thing you can, YOU.

Feeling much better. A kick butt CrossFit workout and I fully intend on a solid sleep tonight. Start over again tomorrow. Sometimes, that’s all you can do. Just going with the flow…

The Moments that Broke Me, Were the Moments that Saved Me

After my Tuesday trip to Chicago was cancelled Monday night, my week suddenly opened up to a number of incredible opportunities. Simply another reason to believe in going with the flow.  I had the chance to connect with some incredible people who have touched my life in ways I can never repay. Much like I do in love, I had the chance to reflect on my relationships with friends this time. 

Wednesday I had lunch with Mieka, a friend who came into my life when I revisited my Yoga Practice a few years ago. Mieka has been a spiritual guide, source of light, inspiration and healing to me these past few years. She is without a doubt one of the soul mates I write about. From the moment we met, I knew she would play an important role in my life.  Over lunch we had the chance to reflect on both of our lives over the course of our friendship. Where we were, and where we are now. Mieka was absolutely instrumental in helping me finally connect with the real me. She taught me presence, acceptance, forgiveness, and the ability to simply be.

Wednesday night I had dinner with Lindsey. Yes, another soulmate. We met through a mutual friend a few years ago. From the second we passed up the handshake and opted for a hug, I felt that same connection. I couldn’t pin it. Over an amazing dinner at Buca we both recalled how far we’d come since we’d met. We laughed over silly dates and heartaches. 

Thursday marked the beginning of a new chapter in the friendship of my lifelong best friend Julia and I. She recently relocated back to the city after living abroad for almost 6 years. We shared dinner in an intimate restaurant in Yorkville, the perfect setting as we caught up on each other’s lives, and began new dreams for our year ahead.  Julia has been through it all. The ups and downs, the heartaches and some of the best moments of my life. There is always a story to remember when we get together. But this night was special. Instead of just remembering the past, we talked about where and who we are today. There are no secrets between us, we are both free to be perfectly imperfectly ourselves. 

I had met both Mieka and Lindsey at a very difficult time in my journey. They allowed me to be that person, and stood by as I healed, grew and became the woman I am today. Julia simply stayed true through all of it. These friendships have shown me the value of having the people in your life with whom you can simply be yourself. They gave me the support I needed to heal the broken spots in my life, and I am stronger and more grateful than ever.

I cannot help but reflect and be grateful for the moments that broke me, those were the moments that saved me. They changed me.

We’re stronger in the places we’ve been broken. ~Ernest Hemingway

Triggers…A Reminder that Love Never Really Ends

New Year, New Beginnings.  I always love the chance to tidy things up going into a New Year. Really anytime I am ready to move forward in life I find myself organizing or cleaning something out, usually my closet.  Today, as my new MacAir downloaded my personal emails, i decided it might be time to give them a good purge.  I really never considered what I might find in there.

Sure enough, I came across an exchange from Jason and I, which naturally stirred up some sadness. This was along the process of Jason getting ready to move away, our last argument. The exchange brought back the same sadness and anger.  Then, I found the last message he sent before he left.  it was simple. “Take good care Jax, you are and will always be special to me.”  Got me again, the same way it did the day I received it. Today, as much as it stung, I am grateful we left off with love. Funny how the triggers never disappear, this is almost 3 years later, yet, the perspective does. I will always have a place in my heart for Jason.

That might have been the right time to stop the purge. But, no, I was on a roll. Until I came across some early exchanges from Chris. With a great deal of distance between us now, I had the chance to revisit the early part of our “relationship”. In hindsight, it was difficult and complicated from the beginning. But this one for me was never about logic. On first sight of the exchanges, I immediately wished I had stopped reading after the last note from Jason.  

Before I could get through the purge, I was grateful to run out of time and hit CrossFit. My sweet escape. A chance to sweat it out and clear my head, the community there makes me laugh no matter what is happening in my life. By the time I left with another member, my mindset had changed. I had allowed myself the time to feel and listen to my response to the triggers. Oddly, on our walk home my friend Casey shared that she too had come across an email from an old flame today. By the time we got home, we had both been able to shake off the sadness and laugh and be thankful for the things we learned.

The reality is, the feelings I had for these two people who crossed my path may never fully dissolve, but I can live with them when I simply accept them. True love never really goes away, it simply changes.

How the hell did I get here?

I can’t help but take a moment to appreciate all the moments I ever got frustrated because life wasn’t going according to my plan. Seriously though, if it were, I would probably be lonelier than ever, less fit, more stressed and a host of other things I think I’d rather not imagine. Today, I am sitting at home, not where I planned to be a little more than 24 hours ago. You see over the course of a simple week just about every single plan I had was highjacked…and all I can do in hindsight is laugh.

I recently finished writing my first book. I hadn’t planned to finish so quickly, but hey, no complaints from me. In a race to meet my new deadline I planned a photoshoot for the Cover and Website for this past Saturday. In a wicked turn of events on Friday night, the night I planned to hit CrossFit and come home to clean and get organized for a busy weekend - I bailed on a box jump had a terrible fall and wound up spending most of Friday Night at St. Michael’s Hospital Emergency Room being monitored for a severe head trauma. Least to say, I now had a goose egg the size of a hockey puck on my forehead and slice across my nose. 

I woke up Saturday after a night of icing my face. With the can do attitude of one of the most brilliant photographers and a girlfriend a bit of makeup and some clever camera angles and the shoot was a success! Just in time before the bruising and blackeye really took over. I scrambled through the rest of the weekend, which included a trip to clear out a property I just sold and meeting with the Lawyer about an hour outside of Toronto. Simple enough, except for the curve ball Mother Nature threw - how about a snow and ice storm?

As usual, despite the frenzy and stress levels, it all worked out just fine. Back into the city in time to wrap a day of work and pack to leave today for Chicago. Emptied out the fridge, three loads of laundry, squeezed one last workout in after work, and trip Cancelled. Yep, Chicago Airport was practically shut down due to freezing cold temperatures. Rather unfortunate as I had planned to stay the weekend and had a friend flying in to meet me. In stead, I scramble to cancel all the arrangements, rebook CrossFit sessions for the week, scrounge up enough food and rejig my week. As much as I was longing for a weekend in Chicago, I’m happy to finally sit down and collect my thoughts.

Tonight it was a chance to appreciate how the hell I got here today. All the times I hit the bottom, how many times my plans were blindsided and I wondered why? Well, I don’t know how the hell I got here, but I do believe I’m right where I’m meant to be. If I hadn’t followed this path, I could not sit here and smile at the new and unexpected direction my life has taken. The new people who have come into my life, the one’s who have left, but instilled tiny footprints on my heart. The  adventure I’ve embarked on in writing a book. The way that my heart has learned to love, to lose and to still believe.  I don’t know how the hell I got here, but I’m sure glad that I did. <3

Sometime's you're better off just going along for the ride, believing it's taking you in the right direction, and either way it's going to be one hell of an adventure!