New Year, New Beginnings. I always love the chance to tidy things up going into a New Year. Really anytime I am ready to move forward in life I find myself organizing or cleaning something out, usually my closet. Today, as my new MacAir downloaded my personal emails, i decided it might be time to give them a good purge. I really never considered what I might find in there.
Sure enough, I came across an exchange from Jason and I, which naturally stirred up some sadness. This was along the process of Jason getting ready to move away, our last argument. The exchange brought back the same sadness and anger. Then, I found the last message he sent before he left. it was simple. “Take good care Jax, you are and will always be special to me.” Got me again, the same way it did the day I received it. Today, as much as it stung, I am grateful we left off with love. Funny how the triggers never disappear, this is almost 3 years later, yet, the perspective does. I will always have a place in my heart for Jason.
That might have been the right time to stop the purge. But, no, I was on a roll. Until I came across some early exchanges from Chris. With a great deal of distance between us now, I had the chance to revisit the early part of our “relationship”. In hindsight, it was difficult and complicated from the beginning. But this one for me was never about logic. On first sight of the exchanges, I immediately wished I had stopped reading after the last note from Jason.
Before I could get through the purge, I was grateful to run out of time and hit CrossFit. My sweet escape. A chance to sweat it out and clear my head, the community there makes me laugh no matter what is happening in my life. By the time I left with another member, my mindset had changed. I had allowed myself the time to feel and listen to my response to the triggers. Oddly, on our walk home my friend Casey shared that she too had come across an email from an old flame today. By the time we got home, we had both been able to shake off the sadness and laugh and be thankful for the things we learned.
The reality is, the feelings I had for these two people who crossed my path may never fully dissolve, but I can live with them when I simply accept them. True love never really goes away, it simply changes.
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