My Race, My Pace, My Life ❤️

Ever sat back and appreciated the ebbs and flows of your own life?  This week I really needed to do just that. It’s been the busiest three months of my life between my professional career, launching my first book, and finding time for the rest of my life - family, friends, fitness.  I have never appreciated the previous value of time as much as I do today. It really is the most limited of all precious resources. Once it passes, it’s gone.

That said, it’s been just over a year since I moved to the city. I originally moved downtown to free up room in my life for more. Funny how the gaps filled themselves. Between 2 promotions at work, an expanding social network, more than any single person’s fair share of dates, I was running at a pace that left one of the most important relationships in my life neglected, the one with myself. 

This week, after some much needed time with my personal life coach, a bit of digging lead to lots of shifting. Funny how you can have a string of incredible days, weeks, months, than have a day that literally punches you in the face. It’s the kind you can’t describe or explain. It’s so out of character. Sometimes, it’s just the moment you need to surrender to. Sit back, get comfortable in the discomfort. It always passes. There is a pattern for me however. These moments always come as my life is undergoing another shift…

The experiences of these past few months have been absolutely surreal. The opportunities, people, lessons, moments, memories, experiences… so many new things, old things, different things. Old memories stirred, a change in wants, needs, expectations. A shift. I finally had to take a step back from all of it. Yes, even an open person needs to know the limits of humanness. With so much change, so much to digest, I needed to land in my new space. Anyone who’s ever sought growth can truly agree that we are not the same person we were yesterday. It’s ok to be unsteady in that new space. It’s ok to step back and slow down. To take a few steps on your own time.

I even took a big step back from dating. Strangely, I feel good about that decision. I have come to the conclusion that my life simply cannot progress without me. Therefore, I control the pace. I have been blessed with a world of opportunities relating to the release of my book. I was so open to them, and they found me. Openness absolutely makes the world of difference in life and in love - you have to be open to allow them to unfold. When you’ve got all you can take, you simply tighten the boundaries. There is no need to fear losing out. I’m ready for more again, and I know they are waiting, and yes that includes finally dating again :)

Give yourself permission to put yourself first! Your life can’t progress without you. Take care of YOU so that YOU can take on the world!

Surrendering to the Moment...

Last night I had the opportunity to do something I’ve never done before, co-host a Heart Opening Yoga Workshop with my long time friend and inspiration Mieka. As I arrived to the studio, it occurred to me I hadn’t really thought about how things would go. I had nothing to compare it to. I wasn’t nervous, or anxious. I was indifferent.  When I arrived, I felt a bit of excitement. 

We had agreed it was best organized and planned, but to leave enough room for flexibility. We needed to feel the energy of the room and allow it to lead us accordingly. For many, the shear chance of getting lost without a map could cause anxiety. We were vulnerable to a room full of people who had signed up for our workshop. So there we stood. 

We moved through the practice. When it was over, a friend raced across the room with smile on her face and threw her arms around me. A perfect stranger right behind her. Another, and another. We listened with fascination as friends and strangers shared their stories, their experience, and their hearts with us. 

Mieka opened the workshop with an exercise which had two perfect strangers take turns in speaking for 5 minutes each, uninterrupted and without response from their partner about our topic, Love. When she first explained the exercise, we couldn’t help but chuckle at the groans and eye rolls. Everyone was resistent to the idea. Yet, with 10 seconds to go on the first person’s turn, people were still talking away and racing to get it all out. The same happened when person two spoke. It was surreal to watch the room go from resisting the thought to surrendering to it. The energy in the room shifted drastically as we watched perfect strangers share their thoughts about love. 

When the evening ended, and everyone had left. Mieka and I sat to take in the evening. It was only then I realized how much I had surrendered to the moment. I had been so present within the workshop, I hadn’t noticed the tears or reactions of some participants. I too had connected, landed on my mat and in my space. I had surrendered to any expectation of the night, and rather enjoyed being a participant in the whole experience. 

In the end, I realized, while I had walked into the evening with a very small outline of my hopes and expectations, what happened was beyond anything I had imagined. I had set my benchmark for success at the chance to connect with just one heart in the room, to move one person to believe in love. Little did I realize that in surrendering to the present, and letting go of that expectation, I was the heart that was moved. I may have selfishly and unintentionally gained the most from the workshop.  

The adage that you can only keep that which you give away holds more than meets the eye. I gave away love to a room full and it came back to me ten fold. When I surrender the expectation of results, I am amazed at how the results exceed anything I could have ever expected in the first place. It was that easy…

It's Not Selfish, It's Self-Love.

These past few days have been a struggle. Whether it’s the lingering winter in Canada or just that time in my life. I needed to step back a bit. After a conversation with my inspiration and friend Mieka, her words struck that place inside me that needed to hear them “step back and give yourself the room to land in your space again.” 

It made perfect sense. Between releasing a book, and my full time job, I had been on the road for more than 3 weeks back to back, and working long days and weeks for the past 4 months. My entire life has been one constant progression of change. Now and again, it’s ok to step back and readjust, rebalance, settle in.

With change comes the many ripples that reflect out into all the different areas of your life. Whether it’s a shift in expectations, needs, demands, and even relationships. As we continue to transform our lives from one day to the next, we have to be able to embrace the waves that will reach out and touch the other corners of our lives. The change isn’t always the hard part, it’s the effects we don’t anticipate it has on everything else in our lives.

Most importantly, in order to find the space I needed to “land back in my space,” was the permission I needed to give myself to sit back and not make that happen. Life is demanding enough, we do not need to add to our own stress by pushing ourselves to be all things to everyone at all times. The reality is our lives cannot progress without us. Therefore, at what point do we allow ourselves permission to adjust to a more manageable pace?

I spoke to a friend today, he was frustrated, annoyed with life this very moment. Overwhelmed by the demands on him to the point he hasn’t even stopped to eat lunch in weeks. I couldn’t help but sit on the other end of that phone call knowing I’d had the same conversation just a few days ago with Mieka. Now I understood it even more clearly. We both had to give ourselves permission to let go of the unexpressed demands we felt upon ourselves. To step back and take care of the things that we needed to feel whole and complete. Our lives literally CANNOT go on without us. So why do we find it so difficult sometimes to put our own basic needs first?

We hear it all the time, let’s try it. Stop whatever you are doing…what does your body, heart or mind need right now? Sleep? Food? A talk with a friend? Quiet?

In life and in love, we cannot take care of anything or anyone until we have taken care of ourselves first. It’s not selfish, it’s self-love. Try it! The demands we think the world has of us are all in our head. Unless you have some proof that I don’t have that they exist as you believe they do?

Disconnected: The HookUp Culture

Naturally the world around us plays a big factor in how we continue to grow and shape ourselves as we progress on the journey of self-discovery. After moving into the heart of downtown Toronto a little more than a year ago, I have come to know a very different world than the one I have lived in for the past several years in the suburbs. Not to say there aren’t many similarities.

I must admit, I’ve really come to enjoy the life I have for the moment on my own. Making spontaneous decisions, limited accountability to anyone, doing everything I could ever want to and more. Being open to and receiving opportunities I could have only ever imagined. Meeting people, experiencing places, learning, growing, discovering. It’s not that I am uninterested in finding a relationship, it’s just the opposite. It’s that I want a real relationship.

I have spent the better part of my time since my divorce on my own. Not for a lack of trying. I have had the share of four single women combined in first dates, and even second dates. I am surrounded by friends and acquaintances who are doing just the same. In recent months I have traded off the vast quantity of dates for quality. The hookup culture is clearly prevalent in the dating lives of the single 30 & 40 year olds in the city. A total stranger the other night suggested we “hookup.” I laughed him off awkwardly excusing myself from his company, when he followed up his comment with a rather forward proposition. All filter’s off, I shot back “it’s widely available, if that’s what I was looking for.”

The truth is, I found the situation disturbing. The hookup culture is rabid is this city, which does raise many questions for me. 

What is driving the trend? When did instant gratification and meaningless relationships gain more value in our lives than meaningful connection, partnership and emotional attraction? Is the long term relationship on it’s way out? Have we forgotten what it’s like to work at real relationships? Why is communication becoming so difficult? How have we become so disconnected between our actions and our emotions? Are we afraid to feel? Did we forget how?

Are we simply existing because it’s safer than living…feeling…

When will I Meet Him?

If you’ve been single for a while or not with the right person, I’m sure you will agree, no matter how great life is, there’s going to be a moment you will ask the universe, “when?” You may even ask yourself “how?”  Especially if you are not living among the online dating world. 

Over the past three or four months, I’ve turned down countless dates, for a few reasons. 1) Being the busiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, between my demanding professional life and travel schedule, and releasing my first book 2) I am actually happy, and full, and enjoying the precious few moments I have with friends and family or myself. 3) The timing hasn’t worked out, or I’m just not interested in those who are asking.

After three consecutive weeks of travel, and maybe 72 hours at home combined, I chose to spend my available night out with girlfriends. First stop, dinner! We met at one of our favourite downtown spots, Drake One Fifty. The restaurant was packed! Much to the delight of 5 single women, full of very good looking men. I excused myself to step away when a man grabbed me by the arm, twirled me around and pulled me close to him. 

He was sitting with a table full of friends, most of whom were married. He started about how he’d had his eye on my friend until I stood up and turned around. I laughed. He asked if I was married. I almost choked laughing. I couldn’t be more single, and somehow told him I was just enjoying my single life for the moment. He offered to double my enjoyment to consider not being single. My instinctive reaction was to laugh harder and shake my head. He then asked how I could be satisfied if I wouldn’t give him a chance. I was so thrown off, I thanked him, stood up and escaped to the ladies room. 

My friends got a kick out of the whole scene curious to know what the hell just happened. Thankfully our tequila shots arrived at the table and the night carried on. We left and continued our fun at Fonda Lola, another favourite spot in the city, especially for a group of newly budding tequila connoisseurs. Our favourite Tequila Expert and collector, Andres, was in fine form to give us a tequila tasting and lesson in appreciation. I must say between the comment from the man at the restaurant and listening to Andres’ passion and beautiful tongue, my body was fully present, my mind slipped a million miles away.

I awoke to a killer crossfit workout this morning. As much as it hurt with a few shots of tequila and limited sleep, it felt so good to clear my head. I hit the steam room in my condo after. Alone, in the quiet. The steam filled the room, I was alone. I closed my eyes and sank into the quiet heat. For a moment, I recalled the comment the evening before, then the way I felt listening to Andres… and I began to wonder. When? How? Who?  It was a quiet day alone today, which gave me the chance to check back in. Fortunately, I have the hope and faith that it’s coming, and that I am right where I need to be at the moment. I will not lie, I miss the men I once loved, not likely for who they are now, but for who I wished they would be, for the feeling that I have for them. I miss love. There was a day that meant I'd go out and find someone, anyone. Today, I know the wait will be worth it :) and I refuse to settle again.

On a day like this, I know it means I simply need to give out more love to the world. 

“Life is very simple. What I give out comes back to me. Today I choose to give love. Love is all there is!” ~ Louise Hay

Why I Wrote a Book... You Can Win A Copy!

Here I am now, in a place furthest from where I ever imagined my life to be. When I left high school, I vowed I would never read another book that wasn’t a text book or magazine. I was an average (at best) English Student, and found writing anything that wasn’t a business plan painful.  

For many years my life ran me, like clockwork. One goal to the next, I checked off the items on my list. Until, I woke up and realized that the more I checked off, the more I wanted. My life had become so goal oriented and predictable, I forgot what it was like to feel. The first time I truly fell in love, which happened after my failed marriage, I had my heart broken.  Immediately, I promised I would never let that happen again. After months of grieving and healing, I realized, it had been worth it.  

I dipped my toes back into the dating pool, and found myself swept up into a confusing and scary search for love. Oddly, the only way I could wrap my thoughts around it was to write. To think. To process. I needed to believe I wasn’t alone in the confusion. I met someone knew, and found myself terrified, overthinking, and confused. I leaned on writing anonymously to get my thoughts out.

I joked to the close friends who knew I was blogging that someday I would write a book about all of my experiences. Little did I know, the universe was listening. After a failed marriage, and two heartaches, there were many times I questioned if the “love” I’d always imagined actually existed. Yet, miraculously, life continued to line up opportunities for me to write. I began taking the opportunities, and published one article with my real name on it. It was a release.

Oddly, writing allowed me the chance to process my experience, to understand it, accept it, learn from it, and move on from it. The reactions I received were astonishing. I was coming to realize that I was not alone in the confusion. I learned so much from the people who read my work, and shared their own experience. More so, I had found peace and healing in my journey, and found myself hopeful and excited to fall in love again. Yet, all around me I heard friends and strangers vowing they would never do it again. To be honest, it broke my heart.

This was the fuel to my fire. I needed to write. Not because my experience was any better, worse or different from anyone else. Because there were hearts as jaded as my own, that needed to believe it would all be worth it. So, I wrote.

The greatest lesson I have learned on this journey has been that no matter how much I resisted, overthought, controlled and planned my life, ultimately I would end up exactly where I was meant to be. It could be easier. I just needed to be. I needed the courage to find myself again. To shake off the dust of crawling around the basement of my self-esteem. Embrace the wounds that broke my heart open to love even deeper, and open my eyes and life to the world of opportunities that lay before me. One of those opportunities being the chance to write a book.

Here I Am NOW, gave me the chance to relive and share the most intimate and life changing moments of my life. It is a story of falling down and getting back up in a tireless search for the deepest kind of love that exists. I hope my story will touch lives and soften hearts, giving the hope and courage to live and love out loud. Shake hands with the person who walks every day in your shoes, so that you too may forget the rules and trust and follow the guidance of your heart.  Embrace the gift of heartbreak. Be vulnerable, so that you may discover your true strength and open yourself to a world of opportunity. Free your heart – turn pain into acceptance and forgiveness. Live every day of your life with a beautiful heart, believing in love.

WIN A COPY OF MY BOOK:

http://www.thepurplefig.com 

Fairytales do come true...Never Settle

This weekend I had the chance to attend the wedding of one of my best friends. While most single people I know would agree, attending weddings can be painful, this one was magical. From the ceremony and throughout the evening, I could not have felt more drunken on the overwhelming sense of sureness at this union. The beautiful bride locked eyes with her groom through her vows. Her words were strong and certain. There isn’t a chance the room questioned for even a second that this couple wasn’t meant for each other, that this marriage wouldn’t last.

Too often we see couple split and one by one friends and family reveal they knew “it wasn’t right.”  We painfully, and dutifully attend those weddings. Pulling on our best supportive masks and giving our love and support to the union. 

This occasion, my whole heart smiled. Right before my eyes, a fairytale played out. Not one without challenge or struggle. One that took courage to fight the early uncertainty. But one that only grew stronger on the foundation of two beautiful souls coming together. While often a single person sits and feels sorry they aren’t experiencing the same, this day gave me hope and a reminder of exactly what I’m looking for, and the belief that it will happen for me as well!

Fairytales do come true… first, you have to believe, be patient, and follow your heart. Never settle <3

If You Don't Ask, You Don't Get...

I’ve just returned home from the most incredible escape to the Rocky Mountains. While I usually disappear out to Whistler, this time, I had the chance to enjoy the Alberta side with the most magical trip to Lake Louise, Jasper and Banff.  As we sat in the President’s Club Lounge in the Banff Springs Hotel on the last day of our trip we reflected on the magic of our week, and arrived at the conclusion that our experience only heightened as we personally engaged in the experience. By engaging I simply mean, investing, asking, participating actively. Let me explain.

Our trip started at the Chateau Lake Louise. The most picturesque setting. We had been upgraded to a President’s Club Gold Floor room with arguably the most spectacular view of Lake Louise. My companion had noted it was my birthday, and upon entering our room, we were met with a bottle of champagne and the most photo-worthy cheese platter. No detail was overlooked. Our Gold Floor Concierge took care of everything we asked for. The stay was incredible. We quickly found ourselves easing into the comfort of being spoiled.

The next stop on our adventure, Jasper Park Lodge. Upon arriving, we were greeted by the concierge before we even made it to the door of the main lodge. We were whisked away, luggage and all in the big black SUV to our accommodation in the brand new Stanley Thomson cabin. From the look on the concierge’s face from the moment he noted our room number, we knew we were in for a special experience. Initially the idea of having a driver on call seemed odd. We tried to plan our way around not being too much of an “inconvenience.” Yet, we realized, he really was more than happy to do it. Inside our 4 bedroom private, newly rebuilt/renovated chalet, was yet another surprise. A beautiful bottle of wine and fine Canadian cheeses, and the best tasting locally produced honey. Although our skiing was hindered by some extreme temperatures, we were tickled to have found ourselves in the stunning Spa in the main lodge. We flowed with the unexpected and out of our control circumstances. The staff picked up on our cues as we allowed ourselves to become more and more expressive of our enjoyment. At every opportunity they found ways to surpass our every expectation (of which we truly had none!)  We were certain our next stop couldn’t top this one.

 As we pulled up to our final destination, the legendary Banff Springs Hotel, the magic started all over again, we were personally greeted by the Director of Sales who stood in the cold to greet us with two beautiful gift bags. A bellman seamlessly in tow taking our bags before we could even digest our personal greeting. He lead us through the front doors of the ‘Castle in the Rockies.” A personal tour of the main level, and we found ourselves standing once again at the desk of our President’s Club Gold Concierge. One of the quickest check-in experiences in history and we were personally escorted to our room, where the fabulous bellman had thoughtfully placed our luggage at the foot of the bed. There was absolutely nothing for us to do or worry about. Instead, we opened the curtains to reveal a view that literally stopped by heart! Our room high in the castle overlooked the Bow Valley and Mountains. I am certain I must have blinked a few times to be certain my eyes weren’t playing tricks.

The next morning we were met by our very own Professional Ski Instructor provided by the hotel. He packed us up and off we went for a personally guided day at Sunshine Village Ski Resort. Without effort we followed our leader and enjoyed the best of the best the mountain had to offer. Run after run of the best terrain. We skied all but one peak of the sprawling resort. I’m certain on our own we’d have found a chair and stayed put on runs we liked. Instead, he challenged us and pushed us to make use of our abilities, turning this into one of the best ski days of my life. 

On our last day, we had wanted to join the historical tour of the castle, however, it’s timing coincided with our scheduled transportation back to Calgary. Without hesitation, our Concierge was on it. Schedules were rearranged, and an Ambassador reassigned to meet us following our morning Yoga Session for our very own tour of the Castle. By the time we were done and retreated to the Lounge to wait for our transportation, we could not help but recount all of the magical moments on this incredible trip. As we planned to share our praise, we realized one thing… the more we engaged through the course of the trip, the more the hotels seized the opportunity to make it even more special. 

There really is something to be said for “if you don’t ask, you don’t get.”  It is a basic human need to feel special, to feel needed. When we open ourselves up to the idea of allowing others to give, simply by exposing our needs and desires, both of our human needs can be met, and a magical experience results.  

Give it a shot…what would you like from the world?

What Really Matters...Time

There is only one thing in this world that is far more valuable and precious than anything money can buy, and it can’t be bought. That is time. Time is the only thing we can give that cannot be given back. It cannot be expanded, increased or revisited. Every moment is invaluable and often under appreciated.

In all of my relationship and dating experience, there is only one thing I have truly craved and valued from anyone, their time. The moments they gave to me. Those are the moments I think of, reminisce about, treasure, and yearn for. Not money, power, gifts, or any other item that can be purchased, given, shared or acquired. 

It’s funny how little we take time into consideration when we have none. How often we get swept up in the commotion that is our lives. More so, how we allow and enable ourselves to be robbed of precious moments in life. The moments we can give to those who matter. Instead, we give them away without thought of care. 

In usual form, I found an opportunity to escape for a week in the mountains. After just a few days, I find my perspective and gratitude for life and time restored. My understanding and sensitivity of the fine balance in life renewed. The chance to let go of the cares of the life that runs me, and enjoy each and every moment today. To live and fall in love with every moment gifted to my life. 

Upon arriving in Lake Louise on Saturday, I felt the wonder and awe of the little girl inside me. I couldn’t help but squeal at the sight of the mountains before me. We raced to our room only to be met by a view so spectacular it took my breath away. We’d been spoiled with a room fit for royalty. We were greeted with a beautiful cheese and fruit platter and bottle of champagne, a personalized note to welcome us, and encourage us to celebrate our time together in this magical place. 

Still reeling from the euphoria, we set out to explore. We rented ice skates and set out for the frozen lake. We laughed like children as we took our first glides on unsteady feet, recounting the many memories of skating disasters. I felt as free as I’d felt as a little girl on the pond down the street from my house. Nothing beyond the lake existed for that moment, I was in heaven. Just like children, the cold that stung our faces and thighs was but a pesky voice in the background.

Refreshed and warmed up, we made our way to the most beautiful dining room. We were seated by a 20 foot window overlooking the moonlit lake in one of Lake Louise’s finest Restaurants, the Fairview Dining Room. The food and service were impeccable. Allowing us to simply enjoy our time together.We recounted the many lessons of our lives, the experiences, the memories, and everything that mattered. We talked about the relationships that had meant so much in our lives at one time, and yet how they had been the barrier between us and the way we truly wanted to live our moments. It all made sense why they were no longer meant for us.

It all came down to one thing… time. None of it would have been possible without time. The things we spoke of were not related to money or status. But to precious moments, that would forever serve as benchmarks along our journey. As I looked back out at the mountains,I pondered the miracle of their existence, how many hundreds of years it had taken for them to form, and all the moments they had served in the lives of someone. How many memories had been made among the mountains at Lake Louise. 

Perhaps some things are just better for us not to figure out. Instead, I should be more cognizant of the way I choose to spend each precious moment.

Moment of Gratitude in the Mountains

I woke up this morning to the most magical view of Lake Louise. The sun peaked shyly over the top of the mountains, lighting up the snow that dusted the fir trees overnight, and bringing life to the freshly flooded skating rink on the frozen lake. Life was still… apart from the softly falling snowflakes. Finally, the chance I needed to stop and reflect on all the incredible moments I’ve had to fall in love with this past week.

It never fails right before a week of vacation, life becomes a little hectic. Then again, there always seems to be an excuse why life gets a little out of control. More important, are the moments to stop and think about the amazing moments that happened in the chaos. 

This past week I had a lot to celebrate, from the release of my first book, Here I Am NOW, to the amazing people in my life, another year of accomplishments and finally my birthday. I decided to  host an informal little get together. On a school night, last minute, 30 of the best people I know went out of their way to celebrate with me. For a brief moment during the evening, I stepped outside my own body, sat back and smiled realizing there was no amount of planning or anything different that could have been done to have made the evening better. A room full of strangers quickly became friends, and for the days to come I would hear of the incredible connections made, and all I can do is smile. This is what makes life rich. 

Late in the evening, someone pulled the plug on the music. Before I realized what was happening the room began to sing Happy Birthday, and a group of 8 of my friends (all from different areas of my life) approached me with a birthday cupcake in hand. They parted ways as one of my friends presented a wrapped gift. My heart began to race, I knew what was under the wrapping and the tears rushed to my eyes. 

I pulled the paper back to find the most beautiful gift - a professionally framed copy of the silhouette image captured for my book cover. I was speechless, this gift meant more to me than I could ever explain in words. A keepsake of a journey that had broken me open to love and to life. In one photograph, the talented Marcia Leeder had captured a journey. I have studied the photograph for hours on end, there isn’t a single thing that could make the image more perfect. The picture - camel pose - is a position of strength and vulnerability. The pose leaves one completely exposed at the throat, the heart, and the stomach. The three kill spots we walk around subconsciously protecting. The image, although strong in it’s black and whiteness, is softened by the second she captured a soft glow from the flash across the face, throat, ad heart.

As I stood in my condo surrounded by friends, old and new. I realized, my journey had brought me here. From someone who was so committed and determined to protecting herself from any form of hurt or pain. I was once a one woman island, capable of enduring anything in life. Today, I am surrounded by an army of angels who have allowed me to redirect that energy to remaining open and true to the real person behind the walls, and recognizing, that the rich life I know today is a product of the strength it would take to reopen my heart, mind and life, to take the risk, and to embrace all the gifts that would come out of the pain. Especially the beautiful people who help me love myself even more every single day.

These people fuel the fire in my soul that makes my life rich and complete. I need for nothing, and as a result can simply remain open and enjoy the incredible things that continue to flood my life.

Small Victory...Getting Back Up

I stepped up to the box. Closed my eyes, inhaled. Flashes of visions went through my head, a vision of my toe slipping off the sharp edge of the wooden box, my face colliding with the concrete pillar in front of me, looking up and seeing people scrambling around me. I opened my eyes again. I whispered to myself “you don’t even remember that happening, it’s all in your head.”  I closed my eyes again. I remembered the moments after my accident four weeks earlier at CrossFIt. I was into my fourth round of Box Jumps when in the blink of an eye, I must have missed or slipped off the box and went sailing into the concrete pillar right in front of me. It happened so fast, what I actually remember was sitting on the floor, wondering what the hell just happened and hoping no one saw it. I saw a member yelling for the coach. I tried to get up, but realized it was too late, and it suddenly hurt and surrendered to the floor. 

For the next four weeks I scaled Box Jumps back to step ups. The mere sight of a box brought flashbacks of the incident. The bump on my head, the black eye I sported for nearly 3 weeks. Then there was the encouragement of the members, the stories of their own Box Jump fears and war wounds. More importantly, was their encouragement that I would do it again.

So here it goes. I looked down. Eyeing up the distance between the box and my feet, the wall in front of me. I took a deep breath. I bent my knees and stood straight up again. Failed attempt, the vision of the wall coming at me freaked me right out. I was anticipating the same results in a whole new situation. I shook my head. Closed my eyes again, and told myself I could do this. I would focus on every jump. I wasn’t going to rush or compete for time. I took another breath, opened my eyes, bent my knees and threw my hands up in front of me as I propelled my body up and forward. I put my hands against the wall. A sense of relief and warmth flooded my body. I smiled to myself. I could do it again.

One by one, I completed the Box Jumps in my own time, at my own pace, and with deliberate thought and focus on every jump.  I did it. It was a small victory, but I was happy. I had set up for the workout believing I might be stepping up for life. I proved myself wrong :)  there was no sweeter victory than kicking the mental midget in my head to the curb. No, I don’t think the small fear will ever go away completely, but my desire to overcome it was much greater than my desire to be controlled by it. 

The same can be said in all situations in life. We are going to trip and fall. We are going to fail, time and time again. We are going to get hurt. We are going to be rejected. We will make mistakes and look like a fool. We can then surrender to it, and let it build invisible boundaries around our freedom in life, or we can use our desire to go beyond that, to grow, to overcome, to believe. There may not be a guarantee, it may never just be easy, but with desire, focus and drive, there is nothing that cannot be overcome. Small victories build confidence and courage, they change lives and open doors by knocking down walls that only ever existed in your mind. Let them go.

What’s stopping you?