Whether it’s work, a relationship, of just moving about through this world. We are given continuous opportunity for growth. Just as we transition from any role in life to another, we are constantly trying to find our new footing. In recent conversations with friends, I’ve had the chance to reflect on my life both in and out of relationships.
Leaving a serious relationship, even by choice is difficult. Don’t kid yourself. I remember leaving a long term relationship and wondering to myself why my heart was so broken given it was my own choice? I had caused myself the heartache. My mom was quick to point out, it’s not always the relationship that was hard to leave, but the life you knew, and the life you planned around it. She was right. After spending any period of your life involved in something - be it a relationship or a career - everything changes. We as people have a tendency to think we are in complete control of our future, and without a second thought go about building a vision of life in the future, based on the life we are currently living. Then something changes.
For me, going from a 10 year relationship to being completely alone was confusing, upsetting, scary, among other things. I hadn’t realized how much of a life I had built forward off of the life I’d been living. I had a plan for the summer that followed, for 3 years from then, for 5 years from then. Suddenly, I had no vision. Nothing to aim for. I wasn't sure what to even do with myself. While in a relationship I was always craving time to myself, now I had all the time in the world and it terrified me. Weekends were haunting. I had nothing to do, apart from a few chores, but be alone with myself.
If you’ve been there, you’re nodding your head. Remembering those first steps you took into a whole new world. Coming from being so strong, certain and comfortable in the world, to the complete opposite. Gradually over a period of time, you adjusted. Through experimentation, I began trying new things. I went to the movies alone. Took up new sports. Found new social opportunities. There myself into work. Without realizing it, I was finally starting to learn who I was. The world around me was providing me the feedback I needed. Although it wasn’t that simple. I had to interact. The more I did, the more I learned.
Looking at my life, I can appreciate the number of different situations that brought similar learning about. When I retired from competitive softball, I took up golf. I was terrible! I hated knowing anyone was on the tee box behind me in case they saw me shank the ball off the tee. I remember praying the ball would at least make it 50 yards in front of me, anywhere. I took lessons. It was tough, every time I thought I finally caught on, my coaches feedback told me otherwise. In fact, I recall once being told I hadn’t actually improved, rather, I had perfected a flawed technique. Lol. Yes, that’s right. We humans have an incredible way of subconsciously finding our way around our own shortcomings. Imagine my frustration when I heard that one. Not only had I not become better, but I now had more work ahead of me to fix what i had personally broken. Correcting a habit is often much harder than building something new.
The same can be said for relationships. Feedback is hard to take. It’s uncomfortable. Frustrating. Scary. It can leave a person so vulnerable or frustrated they are put in a position that makes quitting look like the best way out. I remember my first performance review very early in my career. I was in tears. I was so upset to learn that what I thought I was doing was great, but not according to someone else. I left my bosses office that day and immediately started updating my resume. I didn’t want to face what I had learned. More so, I didn’t know how to move forward. But, one foot in front of the other, I did. I made the conscious decision to embrace the feedback as an opportunity to adjust. I asked my leader to help me. It became one of the most inspiring and motivating years of my career to date. It was the foundation on which I would later build my professional life. I still draw myself back to the many lessons I learned that year, and am so grateful for not quitting before I could make the adjustments and ultimately land myself back on the right path.
Today I am probably most grateful for that period of my life. It allowed me to grow both as a person and as a professional. It laid the groundwork for a lesson I would need both in life and in love. The ability to embrace and acquire feedback. Everything about who we are as people is a product of everything we’ve ever experienced in our lives. We’ve had the chance to embrace life’s lessons, or run from them. Although, I’m sure you would agree, when you fail to see the lesson in a situation, you eventually face a multitude of situations in your life all leading you back to that same lesson.
This happened to me in relationships too. I almost gave up, I had finally gotten so comfortable living my life alone that transitioning back into a relationship would prove more challenging than I imagined. I would need to lean again on this one life lesson, to actively seek out and embrace feedback. I needed to stop avoiding the things I didn’t want to know, things that kept me in the wrong relationships. I needed to stop keeping the peace, and worrying that feedback was all telling. I opened my heart and mind to the man in my life. Although early on there were moments I thought it might be easier to run. I stood still. I listened, I made small adjustments. I took the advice of my father who always told me, listen, adjust, keep moving. He helped me realize that once something is said, and an adjustment is made, it is history. Let it go.
Embrace the opportunity to know yourself. It’s your journey, and you are strong enough to make the adjustments to become the best version of yourself, in work, in life, in love.
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