The rain pounded the glass of the sunroof above me, the windows fogged, my eyes filled with tears, and in a moment, just as my Yogi Mieka would had explained, I knew what it felt like to realize that part of your heart was living outside your body.
After a serious lack of sleep and stressful week personally and professionally, I succumbed to old tactics. I almost single handedly self-sabotaged the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I tripped hard over an old wound. Before I could even get my head around what I was feeling, I did what I knew best. I walked out the door, I ran. It was pouring rain, I fumbled for my keys and made my way down the dark street to my car. My heart pounded and ached as the familiar rush of anxiety spread through my body. I turned the key in the ignition, then fumbled for my phone. I had forgotten to let my mom know I’d arrived back to the city safely from the cottage. I scrambled to send her a reply.
As I hit send, the passenger door opened and before I could even get my head around what was happening he ducked inside my car. His warm hand reached softly for my hand. I felt a sense of complete and utter panic, this part was new to me. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or fly back out the other door into the rain. I was so used to walking out the door, no one had ever stopped me. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, I was frustrated, upset and completely out of my element. I had felt myself backed into a corner in a discussion, I didn’t know how to be heard. Old wounds surfaced, scenarios replayed in my head.
After many challenged relationships, I was used to walking away. It had become, as a previous man told me, my test. I was so used to walking away and not being chased, I just stopped looking back. This time was different. This man wasn’t going to let me off on self-sabotage. He wasn’t going to punish me either. Instead, he listened, comforted me, and made me promise I would never try that again. Somehow, everything that came out of his mouth in the next 2 minutes was everything I needed to hear. He scooped me up in his strong arms and I melted into his warm body. In that moment, I felt that old wound wash away with the rain. After he kissed me goodnight and walked back inside, I burst into tears. I looked back at his red door, and said “that’s the last door I will ever walk out of.” I finally found the man that wouldn’t let me go. It felt so good it actually hurt.
I have finally come to appreciate what it means to have someone accept you just the way you are. I had spent so much time trying to understand my imperfections, fix them and move forward stronger than ever. Yet, here in my weakest moment, I felt the deepest kind of love, the kind I had longed for my entire life. It lifted the bandaid I had worn to protect a soft spot, it opened my heart completely. There would no longer be need or even a method to protect my heart, as half of it now lives in this world outside of my body. Yet, it feels safe.
I can finally truly appreciate the words of everyone who tried to explain that “the right one will…” The right one will understand, respect, and adore every last piece of you. Imperfections and all. The right one will be ready for whatever you throw at them. They will offer you patience, forgiveness, and even more love in your weakest moments. The right one will want you to feel safe and secure in the relationship. The right one will want to work through the tough stuff. They will hold onto the good memories even on bad days.
It was worth the wait, for the right one.
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