The strength to love...

It has been a while. I’ve had a lot of time to think, observe, and discuss my favourite topic – Love. Ironically, while my life has changed completely in my search for love as I am just months away from being married – so many things are still the same. Love is not easy. Love is work, it is a commitment to risk – the greatest risk a human could experience – heart break. In life, you can recover from just about anything – losing your job, your house, your money. There is always the possibility of something waiting around the next corner. In fact, you can, in many ways control this.

Love, however, is out of your control. You cannot “make” someone love you. You cannot “keep” someone for yourself. When it is lost, it leaves a tremendous scar in its place. This isn’t a bad thing, but it sure does hurt like hell. It’s simply an experience. Anyone reading this who can relate is nodding their head in agreement – it hurts like hell. Unlike a job or a home, you can’t just fix this scar. Instead, you learn to live with it. You understand that you can go on, that better is possible. Once you get there, you know that a life with love is worth the risk and better than the alternative – life without love.

Where the work comes in is in living with that scar. In the internal struggle to put the pain behind you and work against your own instinct to guard your heart. This instinct tells you that your heart is not safe, and should be protected. This controls the fear that creeps up when things aren’t perfect, it makes you NEED reassurance when you don’t. It makes you feel anxious and craving safety. For most of us, it forces you to pull back with everything in you. To shut down or shut off the risk of threat. Overcoming this takes work. Staying open, patient, confident and vulnerable requires more strength than being hardened, guarded and safe.  Strength takes work.

There aren’t many people in this world that walk into life and rock it without putting in some work. You can’t master a sport by picking up a ball. Yet, we have those same expectations of ourselves when it comes to love. That we should just be good at it. That we aren’t allowed to screw up, to have a bad day, to worry. We get frustrated with ourselves, with our love interests. We worry when someone’s behaviour changes from what it used to be. When the texts do not arrive like they did yesterday. When we gave up too many of our secrets and have a sense we’ve scared someone off. When we sit, and think…

The work begins at quieting the mind. Accepting and being present in a moment instead of forecasting the next one. Things change, yet the themes remain the same. Observing friends still on the dating scene, friends married many years, and friends in the same place as me, about to be married – the struggles aren’t that different. We all face moments where we want to guard and protect the one thing we can’t fix or control – our heart. Wounds heal. Scars are simply reminders. They should be seen as reminders of our strength, not our weakness. A reminder that the heart is strong enough to carry on. We need to continue to work at keeping the guard down. If your heart is out of sight, how can another heart love it?

The Shortest Date, That Never Ended...

I just hung up the phone with a Wedding Planner. You read that right, a Wedding Planner. I am planning a wedding?! I can’t help but sit here and smile. Our conversation really gave me the chance on this gloomy day to reflect on where I’ve been, what I’ve learned and how much my life has changed.

Two years ago this very time, I remember looking up, tears rolling down my cheeks and literally surrendering to the idea that I would ever find the right kind of love. I felt beat up, let down, and sad. After a good long cry, the pain turned to numbness. With one last sob I said aloud, “perhaps this is my purpose in life, to get beat up in love and write about it in the hope that my story would help someone else feel less alone in their experience. Ok, I accept that. Other than love, I have an amazing life - filled with great friends, family and a lifestyle many would give a lot for.” Just like that, I decided I would move on, embrace the life I was living, and get busy again living it.

Just three weeks later, I flew home from a conference to a rainy dark night in Toronto and dragged myself out on the first date I’d bothered to make in almost 6 months. It took everything in me and a call to my mom to convince myself to go. I had literally just agreed that my life was fine the way it was and the thought of wasting more time and energy on a date stole every last ounce of my energy.

When he asked the question - “What are you looking for?” it kind of seemed like my out. Here we go, nothing left to lose. I let it all out - “I am tired of “hanging out”, dating for the sake of dating. I have a full life, great friends, a crazy job. I am looking for the right relationship, or I’d rather just be alone.” His expression never changed, he just stared through these gorgeous blue eyes, listening and hanging on every word I said. I knew I was in trouble at this point, and I wasn’t sure I had the energy left to say “the right things” and redeem myself. So I continued, and I decided to play the wild card “I am looking to meet a man who wants to date me every day for the rest of my life. I want romance, flowers and candles, and dates! I want to lock him out of the bathroom while I put my best face on and surprise him when I’m ready. I want to curl up on the couch in my yoga pants and just be me.” He said nothing. Thankfully the table was only dimly lit by a candle, because I realized at that moment I might have said too much. I was definitely blushing.

After dinner, he quickly wrapped up the date, gave me a hug, put me in a taxi and sent me on my way. I remember getting in the car, rolling my eyes and sighing, such is life. I called my mom back to tell her I did it. She asked how it went, I replied “I likely will never hear from that guy again.” I laughed. She didn’t think it was funny, the worry in her voice was sweet, “Oh dear. What did you do?” I told her, “I told him exactly what I was looking for, and I laid it on thick.” Before the words were even out of my mouth I heard a ding - he texted me???

Now I was confused. I broke every rule, every piece of advice on “how to get the guy” and this guy obviously didn’t care. He was breaking a few rules too. He texted me before I even got home from a first date? 

Least to say, for every man that told me my expectations were too high, here was a guy who was determined to step up and exceed them. That day almost 2 years ago, when I was finally done looking, my life would change forever. There would be no more question of where I stood. No wondering who else was texting my guy. No nights alone wondering if he was on a date with someone else. 

My fairytale began. It didn’t require a game plan or strategy. I didn’t have to prepare my story or only tell half my truth. He didn’t want the watered down version of what I was looking for. He wanted to know what it would take to make me happy. Better yet, he has worked every day since to keep that a priority.

There are men (and women) who will do that. If you want this partnership in your life, have the courage to ask for it, all of it. Every last cheesy romantic bit of it. Anyone who isn’t willing to step up isn't deserving of you anyway. Let them go. 

The Courage to Love Unconditionally

I am always called to my Yoga mat when I am grappling with something I cannot identify or understand. There, I find the space and quiet to focus and listen, to feel. A safe place to allow the truth, whatever it looks like, to surface. Tonight, the message I needed to hear was loud and clear. The practice was dedicated to courage - leaning into your fears with courage.

I’ve always held this vision of what love was. It was as simple and clear cut as the fairytales, the gushy feeling you get watching a romantic comedy, thinking someday someone with love me like that! It’s the lovely red roses and pretty pink hearts that line the retail stores the same time each year. It comes complete with its own set of rules, expectations, what ifs, and shoulds.

Then I fell in love. The love that came to me did not look like the fairy tales, but it turned into one. It fumbled and it ebbed, and it flowed into my life in a way that left me helpless to resist it. I settled into that feeling. Stepping and mis-stepping my way according to what the world told me of a topic I never knew.

Love is, arguably, the most basic and most complicated of all emotions. We are born to love. We start out exposed to the deepest kind – unconditional love.  We are not afraid, we immediately put all of our faith and trust into our parents. They feed us, and clothe us and raise us. We are free to be ourselves as we are so confident and comfortable in the love that surrounds us. Until that one time, we cross a line somewhere, and that display of love changes. It somehow takes a shift towards something more conditional. We notice the same around us as our lives mingle with lives of others. We start to appreciate what love feels like to lose. We learn that love can be withheld for any number of reasons – our behaviour is not favourable, a decision or choice is not in line with another, we even learn that some may not like our appearance, our success or lack thereof. Suddenly, we are left to question – does unconditional love actually exist?

It turns out there is something worth more than any currency in the world, love. It is the only  thing that can bring us things that money cannot buy. Love can lift, fill, heal and hurt. It is something so powerful that we are often faced to question whether the potential loss of love is worth allowing it into our lives.

Over the course of my dating experience, I have loved, withheld love, lost love, and tried to earn love. I have reasoned with it, studied and analyzed it, made it logical, and illogical. The only thing that hasn’t changed has been my desire to love and be loved, wholly - unconditionally.

Tonight, I laid in silence in the softness of candlelight on my yoga mat, and realize that what I struggle with is the summing up the courage it takes to lean into my fear of losing love and to offer it unconditionally. To stand still, open my heart and love a person without fear or condition. It is far from logical. It cannot nor should it have to be earned.  

Love does not live with the butterflies in your stomach.  It is felt and understood in the darkest moments, when you can let the guard down, give and receive love, especially when it hurts. It is in trusting someone enough to be who you are, imperfectly beautiful.  A flawed human who allows themselves to makes mistakes, say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and the right thing at the wrong time. Real Love is unconditional. It is not given to get. It is not available at a price. It does not disappear in a moment or a bad mood. Real love does not end. It is blind to logic and more importantly fearless, faithful, and accepting,

Are you ready for the unconditional love that you seek? Are you capable of giving it?

The Moments That Melt My Heart...

I just returned from a dream vacation to France, visiting some of the most romantic cities, experiencing the best in Gastronomy and being pampered in spectacular hotels, including a chateau, and more importantly some quality time with my love. What more could a girl ask for?

This trip meant more than the splurge it was. As we drove through the country side between cities, I was blessed with a few quiet moments to reflect. Life in the city is noisy, not just physically but mentally. There’s always a distraction, something going on, somewhere to be, someone to see, deadlines and expectations… looking out the window it all faded away into the quiet of the vineyards and villages in the distance. I enjoyed the stillness. Still enough to feel life. To reconnect with myself, to check out of the past and future, and sit in the moment, present. 

Home, as I reconnect with family and friends, I realized as my mom asked me what was my favourite part of the trip… For a moment, it really was a tough question to answer. The whole trip was truly a dream. A weekend in Paris, a sunset at Sacre Coeur, dinner overlooking the Eiffel Tower, a cruise on the Seine, exploring the Louvre and a trip to Versailles. A night in Champagne on the Estate of a Proprietor, visiting some of the most well known Champagne Houses, then waking up to a view from our balcony of the sun coming over the mountain to light up the miles upon miles of vineyards in the distance. Visiting some of the most spectacular Chateaux in the Loire Valley, then spending the night in a chateau where we enjoyed perhaps the dining experience of a lifetime. To our final stop in Bordeaux, visiting and tasting some of the best wines in the world. Learning about the fine art of winemaking, selection and tasting, to a personal cooking class. Falling asleep and waking up each morning to a panoramic view of Bordeaux. Walking the streets of this beautiful city, waiting out the rain over a bottle of wine in the afternoon, to one last bottle of champagne at the airport…

Yet, I realized, the moments that melted my heart had nothing to do with any of it. I looked at my mom and said, the quality time with my love. The chance to step out of reality and all of it’s stressors and distractions to truly connect. I smiled, as I recounted to myself the moments that truly melted my heart. The real romance wasn’t the fancy restaurants, or beautiful hotel rooms, it was the simplest gestures. It was waking up to his smile. Hearing him use the word Beautiful as if it were my second name. It was the moments he reached for my hand whether to cross a street or simply to walk closer together, a feeling of connectedness and safety. A random touch, just a reminder he was close. A surprise kiss on the cheek or forehead. Our eyes meeting, whether we were side by side or across a room, and the look that says “I love you” and I’m always looking out for you. It was the look on his face after I appeared from spending the time to look good for him. It was those moments that made my heart melt, in those moments I fell in love, over and over again. That was the favourite part of my trip.

A reminder to me as I return to life in all of it’s hectic glory, that what matters most, costs nothing and is available anywhere, any time. Connection. A feeling. It applies to any relationship really. How many opportunities do we miss to tell someone we love them? How great they look today? Reaching for a hand. Spending a few extra minutes to look good for someone. Forget the lists, the criteria. Look for that feeling, your heart melting… it’s there that love exists.

Love Found Me.

There was a day I believed, no, I accepted it might not ever happen to me, love. The real deal. The kind that unlocks your heart, and puts to rest every question, every heartache, the kind that lightens the load of that baggage you’ve gotten used to carrying.

One night, in the not so distant past, I remember feeling the agony of everything that had happened in my love life up until that point. I had just written about it, and hoped it had been released along with the tears that flowed with every word I wrote. Yet that night, it seemed to relentlessly grip at my soul. I did the only thing I ever manage to do when I don’t know what else to do, I called my mom. I cried, told her the pain I was feeling, the hopelessness, how pathetic it seemed that I could long so bad for something and yet it eluded me.

Finally, I ran out of tears. I felt still. Flat. I remember saying to my mom, “Maybe this is my purpose… maybe I was given this role because I’d be strong enough. Perhaps I am here to get beat up on in love, to learn from it, and to share it – the struggle, the lessons, the recovery”. Naturally not something a mom ever wants to hear.

When I finally crawled under the covers that night, I almost smiled. Something major shifted. I had a realization. Apart those couple of rough moments, my life was actually pretty awesome. I was done with the tears. I was done with the worry and the pain. I had already done the one thing I thought I was waiting for, but couldn’t see it through my own grief.  I had built the life of my dreams. Sure, it didn’t look like the image I had planned out in my head. But, here I was living in the heart of a City full of life. I had a beautiful space, an incredible network of friends. I had gotten to know the community around me, otherwise known as the Entertainment District, and felt pretty good access to the best the city had to offer. Night after night I was invited to exclusive events, to random gatherings, dinners with friends, you name it. I certainly wasn’t lonely. I created lonely in my own mind. I had a life many could only dream of. In the dark and stillness that night, I looked up and said, “I will take it! This life beats the life I’ve known in relationships so far, so, unless it’s going to be better than this, I am happy as I am.” I literally surrendered.

It wasn’t even a month the love I was looking for found me. I was happily going about settling into the life I finally decided to embrace rather than resist, and truly at peace. I had redirected my energy to the things that made me happy. Then he showed up. It seemed so easy, I wasn’t in a place of worry any more. I remember leaving our first date and telling my mom, “I’ll be shocked if I ever hear from that guy again!” She laughed, and said “Oh dear! What did you do?” I was slightly amused when I told her “Nothing. I just didn’t feel any desire to impress him, and to be honest I just told him outright exactly what I was looking for.” Which, I’ve been scolded by men in the past , were some seriously high expectations.  Except this time I was in a place where I didn’t feel the need to justify them anymore, or lower them just to get myself into another disappointing relationship.

I was wrong. Not only did I hear from him before I even got home from that date. But within a few weeks, the kind of relationship I had almost begun to believe was not possible, was sweeping me off my feet. Not only did this man rise up to my expectations, he made every effort to surpass them. There was no more “hanging out,” we were “dating.” Like real, romantic, flowers, dinners, candles and romance kind of dating. We both were able to enjoy planning dates. Everything from Shake Making to Shoe Shopping, Flowers to Basketball Games. We took selfies. Like seriously. How many men wouldn’t allow a photograph of even just them let alone the two of us together? I know there are a few nodding their heads as they read this. You know the kind of people I’m talking about, the kind that are not interested in the same kind of relationship that you are.

This was different. Yet, within a few weeks I found myself confused. What had happened here? I was finally settling into a life that I loved? Was I willing to take that risk again? This might have been scarier than the rest, this time, everything I had ever asked for was standing right in front of me asking me if that’s what I really wanted, and I’m not sure if I was so shocked I didn’t believe it, or worried perhaps I didn’t deserve it, or somewhere in between.

It wasn’t “easier” than I expected. It was definitely scarier though! You know you have found Love when you finally realize you have something to lose. Yes, that’s about the time that the little “crazy” in me comes out. The one that says, RUN! I have, time and time again in life. Until now. Until someone chased me, literally and figuratively, in the pouring rain and said “Stop!” That moment broke my heart, open. Open to really feeling love. Open to letting go of the weight I used to seal it shut. Open to letting go of the walls that I felt safest behind. Open to the idea that safe could be a place that didn’t need walls.

What if I had given up? What if I had never given up? I had filled so much of the space in my life with worry, doubt, fear, pain. For the longest time I wondered why love had danced all around me, but never with me. I never made space for love. When I did, it took my hand, wrapped an arm around my waste, pulled me tight and we began to sway, one step at a time, finding our flow…

If I had given up, I’d have never drawn love in. If I’d never given up, I’d have pushed love away.

Today, I sit, as present as I’ve ever been. About to board a flight with Love to one of the most Romantic countries I can think of. I can’t help but reflect – to be grateful for all that I’ve experienced, and most of all trusting. Trusting that I walked blindly down a path, met the girl on the road who walked in my shoes, and embraced who she was in full faith, let go of the questions, the heartaches and the burdens, and sure enough, Love was waiting.

Keep believing.

Love - the Soul on Fire

Like so many others who have spent a good period of time single, I have had more time to think about life and relationships than most could stand. Sure, I can be considered an overthinker, but I prefer to think I’ve instead focused my thoughts on perhaps the simply most complicated thing - myself. Of course I have mulled over scenarios, relationships, and life. However, I prefer to think more from the perspective of what each taught me than from what I could have done differently. I am fortunate to have come face to face with so much of my past, and as a result to have found peace with most of it. I have also come to a much better understanding of who I really am when I’m not pretending to be the someone else my mind believes others want me to be.

That said, I have made many mistakes. I’ve hurt others and I’ve been hurt. I am far from perfect, and believe me I can create a grocery list of my own flaws. However, some of the worst experiences have also taught me some of the best things I never knew about myself. At the end of all of it, the single greatest gift has been the opportunity to wrap my head around my strengths and my opportunities for growth and change. In the time I spent alone, I had the chance to understand what was most important to me. For a period of my life, I was given the unique opportunity to selfishly focus exclusively on my own needs, desires and priorities. This was perhaps one of the most trying times of my life. I was frustrated, believing my life wasn’t meant to be alone. I longed for someone else to worry about. It was when I finally surrendered and starting living my own life, truly loving my life as it existed that I realized that the single most important thing that made me happy was knowing I was continually working on being the person I would be proud of.

I can look to every area of my life and confirm the thing that makes me happiest in life is inspiration and a sense of growth. Whether it is my career or a sport, or hobby; when I feel the work and time I have invested into myself showing results, I feel a fire within fuelling me to go further. It is in those moments I feel I am unstoppable, life has no limits.

What if the same were applied to love? What if love could set the soul on fire? It does. Having been married once, I can appreciate what a lifetime looks like. Fortunately, I knew something wasn’t right. There was nothing really wrong, but something was missing. The fire. I’m not talking butterflies, or passion, I’m talking about that little something you can’t quite describe but when you feel it, you know it’s what you’ve been craving. It’s not about pleasing anyone, or finding a give and take. It’s about being so inspired that you only ever want to give more, more of yourself, more love, more energy, more life.

For the first time in my life I have met someone with whom my focus has shifted from falling in love with someone to truly growing the love I have for myself. Someone who makes me want to get up early, work a little harder. Someone who makes me want to push my own boundaries, to reach something a little further. Someone who has opened my eyes to the boundless possibilities that lay before me. Someone with whom, my focus isn’t about holding on to a relationship, or having a companion. It isn’t about pleasing someone, or being enough for someone. It’s about feeling supported and loved, feeling like the most precious gem, rough edges and all, among a sea of stones and knowing there is space to grow and smooth the edges, and to shine. It is the kind of love that sets the soul on fire, that makes it come alive in a way that it never knew what it meant to truly let go and just be alive.

I am free to continue on my journey to a better me growing only happier, healthier, stronger, and more capable of living life to the fullest. I am inspired. Given life is never all rainbows and unicorns (although my friends know I try to see it that way) having that deeper connection makes dealing with those times feel far more manageable. Never settle, life is too short not to be fully lived.

Seek not for love, but for inspiration. There, I promise, you will find love. <3

Your Calm or Your Storm?

I read a piece this week that brought some pretty clear guidance to anyone wondering how to identify the right relationship - it really came down to this. Are they your calm or your storm? Let’s face it, life is a non-stop crazy train. These past two weeks were another small example of life throwing a lot at me. I spent about 36 hours at home in the city between two business trips, and an extension to visit my brother out west.

Things were a little mentally and physically, shall we say stressful, as I contemplated making it all work and fitting it all in. Between work, friends, family, love and the general time I need for myself, I felt like I was running a million miles a minute in my head just to ensure I could make it all happen. In the end, it always does. I have countless examples in life to prove it to myself.

In my 36 hours, I planned to swap suitcases, get in a workout, and see my guy. The whole plan had me losing sleep at night wondering how to pull it off. Sure enough. It all worked out just fine. My guy made it easy. He picked me and my freshly swapped suitcase up to spend the night with him, before he would drop me off at the airport again early the next morning while the rest of the City was fast asleep. I melted into him arms and drifted to sleep. For a few hours, I embraced the calm and a few precious hours of sleep. The stress and chaos of my schedule faded away.

I returned home again, 2 weeks, 5 flights, 5 cities and 4 meetings later, I was completed drained. After spending a quiet evening at home fighting some jet lag, I couldn’t help but wish to be beside him. Whether it’s a glance across the room, or the warmth of his sleeping body beside me, I’ve come to appreciate he is my calm…

I can smile to myself today, feeling grateful to finally know I never needed to chase storms. My life will always throw enough at me. I certainly do not need a relationship to add to it. Every relationship will certainly have it’s stressful moments, but those no longer include a place that doesn’t make my heart feel safe, full, and happy. No need for questions, validation, or issues of trust. A place, as they say, to peacefully rest my heart…