Staring at the blank page before me... the rest is still unwritten ;)

Here it is... another year ending, and a new one just about to begin.  A time to take one last quick look in the rearview mirror before fixing your eyes again on the road ahead. I honestly don't remember too many times in my life when I could truly say, I have NO IDEA WHAT TOMORROW HOLDS...

We spend so much of our lives making plans. What happens when there is nothing to plan? Apart from an escape to Vegas in less than 2 weeks... I am truly approaching 2012 with a clean state, a blank page, a fresh canvas. And I'm truly excited :).  All that is complicated is still on ice. I'm ready to carry forward the people who want and deserve to be in my life, the lessons learned, and the hope for the best that is yet to come.

So... on New Year's Eve... thank you for joining me on this journey. Get ready for the next chapter. Cheers to all that the New Year holds... great friends, family, new friends, new challenges, new adventures, new beginnings... because

The rest is still unwritten...

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

~Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield

Happy New Year to all! Wishes for love, happiness, and fun in 2012 :)

Put it on ice... dream of Paradise!

It's that time of year... the Holidays... things winding down, another year ending, and a new one about to begin. Truly one of my favourite times of year... a chance to let go of what was and look forward to new beginnings. After what has been an entertaining, amusing and difficult rollercoaster ride of a year, I'm ready to put things on ice, and truly try a new approach in 2012.

Sometimes we just need a firm deadline to move forward on something. For me, that's the beginning of a New Year. A time when starting fresh is unquestioned, and almost expected by others. A time for new attitudes, new outlooks, new behaviours. A time when others won't be so quick to point out the changes in you as they look inward and make changes in themselves.

So as the year unwinds... I reflect on my own "loose ends". It was recently pointed out to me that I am not entirely good at "tying loose ends" as I prefer to "tidy them" as opposed to "tie them". But I've decided I'm ok with that... for me possibility is the key to remaining hopefully optimistic for the future. That said, things have grown complicated in several of my dating relationships, I'm unsure which if any I want to end, start over or let go of... so I've decided it's time to tidy them up, and put them all on ice for the moment.  Let the dust settle, and give in to my new approach to see how they work themselves out. I am ready to be an active participant, but would like ot resign my responsibilities as Team Captain in this area of life ;)  Hoping the New Year is bringing optimism for you in your journey...

I've always been a dreamer...

"When she was just a girl, She expected the world, But it flew away from her reach so, She ran away in her sleep, And dreamed of Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Everytime she closed her eyes..." (Paradise, ColdPlay)

Expectations setting you back???

There are just some people who make life look soooo easy... the ones that let everything slide off their back. You must know who I'm talking about?!?  Things just seem to fall into place for them... so what is their secret?  No expectations...

Have you ever sat at a table after placing an order, waiting... waiting... waiting... getting frustrated, hungry, annoyed... then you give up, get up to use the restroom, and find out the food came less than a minute after you left? Happens to me all the time! When I expect something I somehow lay out a plan for what it's going to look like, how it's going to be, how long it will take, what it will feel, taste, or smell like... the likelihood of me actually predicting the outcome is almost non-existent, therefore, I have already set myself up for disappointment. When you let go of that expectation, change your thought process, you set yourself up to be open to and accepting of whatever happens. Funny how when you do that, things turn out better than what you might have "expected". How many times have you said that before?!?

So here it is... I decided to let it all go for the holidays. Quit trying to sort through the piles of drama and dilemmas that cloud my dating life. I promised myself I would "get through the holidays" and this would be the needed breather... I let it go. Anyone can handle 10 days, then a fresh beginning in 2012 right? 

Again... Universe sends a signal. When I stop expecting to hear from, talk to, see, or plan anything with anyone, I find myself suddenly hit with text messages, a phone call, a few requests to get together and a facebook message. I awoke to an Instant Message from JASON wishing me a Merry Christmas at 7am and reconfirming plans to get together tomorrow while he is in town, a Facebook message from JOHN wishing me a Merry Christmas followed by an I miss you, and later a text from JOEY. Less expected was the get together with CHRIS, with whom I spent 4 hours today who spoiled me with gifts... and to whom I brought nothing :o...

Putting everything back into context, if I had any expectations for the day, chances are I'd find disappointment in most of these things somewhere - timing, from who, when, about, why not...  Instead, my Christmas was a little less stressful... things fell into place nicely, and here I sit... satisfied.

Hmmm... that was easy ;)  Let it go...  Merry Christmas friends!

When you think you can't, you just do...

We hear and say it all the time, "listen to your gut", "trust your instincts", "look for the signs".  I've got to be honest... sometimes I'm convinced my gut has laryngitis?!? LOL.  Have you had that moment where you weren't even sure your own two feet could carry you somewhere?  Is that your gut or just fear?

Last night, after some self-coaxing, I managed to get myself all the way to a social event hosted by CHRIS that I just didn't think I could survive attending alone.  Getting there was no small task, but the harder challenge was the no less than 20 minutes that it took to get out of my car and go inside... events are part of life in my line of work... so what gives?  All in all, the event went fine, despite barely speaking to the host.

I guess it leaves me with the reminder that no matter how difficult or impossible or dreaded a situation feels... the anticipated outcome is always far worse than the actual outcome.  When you're stuck overthinking and dwelling... "rip it off like a bandaid!".  JUST DO IT!!!  The thinking always hurts more

If you get a chance take it, if it changes your life let it...

What is it that stops us from being who we are? The very person that someone out there is looking for, and that we can love ourselves. This is a question have asked myself repeatedly over the past 2 years as I float in and out of being who I really am. The single greatest influencer discovered has been FEAR.

I have spent a great deal of time recently exploring what that is, what that means and trying to understand why we some of us give it such importance in life.  Ultimately, I believe fear to be a created emotion to protect myself against disappointment.  Realistically, there isn't much in life we are dealt that we are not capable of handling... so why from time to time do we let fear criple us in vulnerable situations? It is by far the greatest derailer.

Coincidence on the other hand, may be the key to overcoming this fear. A guide to the faith that things happen for a reason. The chance to explore the timing of life and how very much things line themselves up with little of our own input.

This brings me back to faith, and my all time favourite quote

 "Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

Let it go...

Funny how something most of us learned very early in life, which seemed so simple at the time, can be of such value and challenge in our adult lives. The adage that "If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it was always yours, if not... it never was". Seems simple enough right?

Oddly, my lessons always come back to me out of some coincidence or another. The day I needed to hear that sometime's letting go is easier... I ran into a friend of mine, who was covered in bruises.  She laughed at herself while she told me the story. She had been on a ropes course, clipped for safety and instructed, if you fall, let go!!! The system was designed to safely catch anyone who slipped from the course. Instead, she did what we all do - she fought to HOLD ON. She looked back and laughed and said "if I would have just trusted and let go, I would not have gotten so hurt".  This struck me that day, as I looked back at many things that didn't go quite right and realized that the pain I had experienced was in many ways enhanced by my own efforts to fight to hold on...namely in relationships.

Here I sit today... knowing this with every ounce of my being, yet I still struggle at times with the idea of just letting go... when I do, it's freeing!  Every coincidence in my life must serve as an example that things will naturally line themselves up when I stop trying to make everything happen myself :)

So if this is you, you're not alone...

Stick around for a while... the male/female friendship, can it be real?

So you come to the conclusion things are not on the same page at the moment. Do you go for the clean break and run... or the stick around let's be friends?  How often do you start a friendship with someone you met while dating? Do they work?

I'm very curious, men and women seem to have very different opinions about what it means for men & women to be friends.  I'd love to hear some thoughts.

Please share! Hoping this is an interactive experience.

I keep getting inboxed with people having their own funny stories to tell. Don't be shy! We would all benefit from hearing. Thanks for all the support!

Online... can it be organic?

They say 1 in 5 relationships start online today. Am I the only one challenged with getting my head around this? I tried it once a year ago, all I can say, it is priceless entertainment!  I found it overwhelming and not very realistic and quickly backed out of that one.  A year later, I thought why not at least give it a shot for the entertainment value.  This time I elected for a paid site.  This helped improve the quality. But I still have to ask, can it be organic?

It just seems pretty difficult to get something off the ground when there is no foundation for it. I almost believed it this time around... great connection right from the beginning. It is a slow process however of putting all the pieces together. Hoping serendipity is real... cause I'm holding out ;)

Why so complicated?

Do you ever wonder why we as humans naturally find ways to make our own lives more complicated?  I've always considered myself a simple but hardworking person. Work is simple, I work hard, things are under control, decisions come naturally, and no one gets hurt.  So why can't I apply what works so easily in my professional life to relationships with people?

Well... I've discovered it comes down to one thing - feelings. It is a bit of a double-edged sword. To feel is something I've only experienced in recent years, which I think might be the power behind the rollercoaster. The question is would I trade it for the safety of not feeling?  Trouble is the answer isn't that simple. Somedays I think I might... when I do, I act out of fear, and in ways that throw my universe completely out of whack.  If you struggle with the same, consider this:

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” – Jonathan Safran Foer

Check out the song Take Care by Drake Ft. Rhianna - "I've loved and I've lost" - as much as I wish it wasn't true, you can't feel one without feeling the other.

Love to hear your thoughts...

On the fly... you still with me???

Funny things happen when you sit back and let them... So Monday rolls along... by 9am I have booked my flight to Vegas!!! Can't decide if I've lost my mind, or this is just what I should be doing at this time in my life. Either way, I've decided it's my life, and I'm just going with it...

So by mid-day after no contact since Saturday, CHRIS is back on the instant messenger. No clear purpose. After some sarcastic banter, the project is brought up again... and the offer to discuss it that evening. After some consideration, I agree. Yes, I know... probably not the wisest decision. But I can normally handle myself in a business situation, so I decided that's exactly how I would approach it.
Needless to say, the conversation never got to the project by the time I announced I had to leave. He said he still wanted to talk about it.

Well Monday turned out to be a full circle adventure... Am I good or am I good at making life complicated for myself ;)

Did the universe send a signal???

Finally almost current... here's the latest of the Universe's incredible timing.  Sometime's I feel that my dating life comes with it's own batman signal to the universe letting my past know something is up, and it's time to throw a random curve ball at the girl.

Friday, things came to a crashing halt with CHRIS the latest dating adventure. Despite his strong starting position, turns out the guy is emotionally not so present, and I couldn't resist the opportunity to point it out.  In the back ground JASON has been asking me to come to Vegas with him in January, so Friday night ends with me agreeing to go to Vegas.

Saturday starts with a random text message from JOEY (a very brief 2 date experience 2 months ago) whom I haven't spoken to in over a month, inviting me to a Holiday Party and rehashing his feelings. CHRIS sends some random messages throughout the day trying to guage where things stand. Oh, did I mention despite our serious discussion, the business guru CHRIS throws a business proposal on the table??? I mean really???

Sunday - So when life gets crazy, why not toss in a little crazier... after a day of emotional and social hijacking, and a sleepless Saturday night, why not bring JOHN into the equation. LOL. It's the last piece of the puzzle and it's been a few weeks since our last exchange (which didn't go well). So... at 7:20 am EST I send a quick note through FB pointing out it has been 8 months since he left. As I roll over to put my bb down, I see an immediate and live reply!  It is 4:20 am PST. Needless to say after 8 months of nothing, we carried on a 25 minute conversation about our feelings... What a brilliant move that was - insert sarcastic smiley here.

At the end of the day, I'm still laughing... why does it always happen this way. All at once or nothing at all. :) Please tell me I'm not alone.

A little backgrounder...

Let me introduce a few characters and set the stage as to why EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON and TIMING is everything!

Exhibit A - SCOTT (my husband)
I met SCOTT while finishing my 3rd year of university. We dated for 6 years as I meticulously planned my life down to the nth degree. I had everything in order - the career was taking off, money in the bank for a home, everything was falling into place. Next step... I needed the Husband and Family. So... timing suggested the next step was to marry SCOTT. So I did... Only to wake up 3 years later miserable at myself and not in love.  So, after months of turmoil, we finally ended it.

Exhibit B - JOHN
Miserable and ending my marriage, I was at the gym preparing to leave for a trip for both business and pleasure that was meant to allow me to clear my thoughts, and finally move out of my home/marriage/life.  Walking to a spin class, I mentioned to a friend I was packing golf clubs for my trip when JOHN piped up walking behind me "Did you say golf clubs? Are you a golfer".  Truly not in a place to be even remotely interested in men, I casually laughed and replied. Class got started. After showering and changing, I waited for my dad who was meeting me for coffee. JOHN came out of the change room and immediately approached. I told him I was married and golf might not really be an option. We spoke of travel. I gave him my business card and offered to help him out on future trips, and left with my dad.

JOHN pursued me with emails, and finally bbms. I can't even remember how the discussions got so serious except that he called me out on my marriage, and I caved and admitted it was over.  Least to say within weeks of my return, JOHN wanted to see me. After a month of seeing JOHN, and what seemed like an amazing connection... something went off the rails. JOHN retreated unexplicably - noting "it was his issues". A few weeks later, he was back. The relationship proceeded emotionally opening and closing for months. When I finally purchased my new home, and it wound up being very close to JOHN (500 m) he again relented. We split late November 2010.  We ran into each other only a few times - at the gym, then once with a female at Tim Horton's.

The New Year approached, and JOHN and I ran into each other and couldn't help but share how much we missed each other and wanted to see each other, but he was holding back as he explored a relocation package. Our passion and connection had not dwindled. He looked at his offers for the next month and a half, while we grew closer together.  One day in February, sensing something to be very off, I pulled back. JOHN blew up, and that was that...  the next time we saw each other was a month later when he returned some books and informed me he had accepted the offer and was leaving in a few months. An emotional visit again, there was still a connection. And we didn't speak again after that, until our near collision in the parking lot at our gym.  We saw each other one last time before he left to move. Of course, he pushed hard to close it. We had one of the most intimate discussions we'd ever shared. It was a difficult month that followed.

ENTER JASON
I reconnected with JASON online through a business networking site, he worked for a customer of mine, and I thought he might be able to help me with the business. We exchanged business favours. He was from my hometown, but now living in the USA. He had a trip home planned and invited me for a drink. After a whirlwind catch up, we spent the next day together as well. Before we knew it, we had lined up several visits for him to come home, and us to meet on the road while we travelled for work. It was fun, filled the need for excitement.  The only problem, we lived in different countries... and... my feelings for JOHN were unresolved.

After 4 months of fun with no real sense of where things were heading. We finally sat to chat, and realized the timing wasn't right. And I was ok with that.

ENTER CHRIS
After refusing to do the online dating thing, JASON left my house on Monday morning, and Monday night, I signed up for a paid site with the intention of simply finding some entertainment.  Within 24 hours, I met CHRIS - my heart fluttered before I even opened the first message. After a few brief exchanges - we exchanged phone numbers. We spoke that night for 3 hours, and every day and night after for equally the same. By Friday we had to see each other. Sunday was our second date. On Monday CHRIS asked my schedule and penciled in Tuesday and Wednesday. I went away for the weekend with my mom and sister, and CHRIS suddenly pulled back... we decided it was too fast, and time to slow down. So we spent the next several weeks "spending time together".

The past few weeks CHRIS has become more affectionate, but still seemingly emotionally removed. So the other day, I decided it was time to chat. And here I am, back to ground zero. We are not on the same page...

That's the skinny... more gaps to be filled.

When all you can do is laugh...

Single at 30 years old, I find myself reflecting on what might have been the craziest 2 years of my life. Let me define crazy for you... has something ever happened that was so bizarre, so out of the ordinary that you had to take a look back at all the things that lined up in order for that particular event to happen?

Shocking... the realization that any little change in event or timing would have resulted in a totally different outcome, you have to consider that it "happened for a reason".

Let me tell you about a time...

Earlier this year, I was seeing a guy whom to this day I question may be the love of my life, let's call him JOHN, we lived in the same survey at that time (literally a 500 m walk door to door). We hadn't seen each other in months after a fall out - not even driving through the neighbourhood.  On this particular Tuesday, a song that I have always associated with him that had been off the radio for a long time played 3 times that day.  I kept questioning the relevance and couldn't get him off my mind.  By the time I got to the gym (20 min from home) that night, I was distraught.  A good friend changed his workout to push me through mine and let me talk the situation out. Needless to say, my workout was extended far longer than the norm. A friend came by during the workout to say hello, which then led to me checking my bb to see the time, finding a message from my mom who was in the area and wanted to have dinner. I bailed on the last set of my workout, showered changed and flew out the gym door. Hopped in my car, pulled out of my spot, drove down the aisle and BAM!!!!!! Just missed a head on collision with JOHN, who swerved and threw his hands up only to realize it was me before turning what would have been the middle finger into an awkward wave. Close call... and what was he doing there? He had cancelled his membership at that gym while planning to relocate to another province.

At times I think I must be going crazy, then I realize, all of these unlikely coincidences must be there to serve some purpose in my life.  The crazier they get the more I realize I've hit a point in my life where sometimes all I can do is laugh...