Fearless Faith in Timing...

Those who have been on this journey with me for the past few years may remember that I started writing to make sense of the influence in timing on life. Today I can sit here and laugh as I tell you, what I thought was just a mish mash of coincidences for many years is really just life.  

How often do we sit back in life out of fear and wonder “what if?”  Retreating from living, protecting a false sense of our control over life. What if we sat back and could say “what if I hadn’t?” Actually appreciating how much has happened simply because we did. That’s where I am today. 

There have been many milestone’s along the path where I wondered if I my decisions along the way had landed me in a worse place than if I’d just stayed still. Those moments never last more than a few moments before something seriously amazing comes along next, and I realize I’ve couldn’t have been happier with any other decision than the one I made. 

In all of it, I can only be grateful to have thrown myself at life, rode the high tides and the low tides, and even the rip tides. I’ve been up, I’ve been down, and not matter where I set my sight on the shore line, that wasn’t where I wound up… I wound up somewhere better. It was the fearless choices I made that brought me here. What if I hadn’t made those?

Only 6 months ago, I started a new adventure in my journey towards personal growth, CrossFit. Something I literally started because a perfect stranger at a hotel gym told me “I needed it” and bet me that if I gave it a shot, I’d never look back. More out of ego, I satisfied my part of the bargain. I texted him immediately after and said - “thanks for getting me to check it out, I definitely know now, it’s not for me.” The very next day, I woke up and texted the same guy back “OK, I lied. I am in love!”  

Only 2 months later I took my first spill on box jumps, collided with a concrete wall and scored a goose egg the size of a hockey puck on my forward. I sported a black eye for the next month. Many wondered why I would push myself to that level anymore in life. Just 48 hours later, I walked back into the box, my ego a bit shattered until I got a high five, then another, than a story about someone else’s fall, then a pat on the back for coming back.  I smiled… I grew. The embarrassment was in my head. 

The piece I didn’t share, the accident happened the night before I shot the cover photos for my book, “Here I Am NOW.” The photo shoot went on. When I released the book, one of the hosts at the media event got wind of my black eye (which I learned could not be covered by any amount of makeup). That very day, I met The Fitness Elite magazine editor, Chris. And a new opportunity was born…

So the story continues, my life continues to evolve. I have been blessed with more opportunities for simply embracing life, than sitting back in my comfort zone. I have grown not only physically strong, but mentally. I have always been thankful for the ups in life, but I truly have never been more grateful for the downs. It was in the challenges that I grew stronger.

I look forward to sharing some new and exciting projects coming soon as a result of all the ups and downs… in the meantime, scraped knees have nothing on this girl - KEEP LIVING my friends!  

And share your stories!  jax@jaxmattioli.com 

Forget the Bridge, Jump in the Creek...

As a kid, there was a great big creek behind our school. Ultimately, we had to get across the creek to find our way home. There were times when the creek would be high after a winter melt or storm, but generally speaking it was a slow flowing creek. For a little while, we used to walk the long way down one side of the river to the bridge, across the river then back up the other side to get home. As kids this was clearly counterproductive. We knew better. So… we quickly learned the worst that could happen was a soaker. :) We’ve all gone home with a wet shoe at some point in our lives. From that point forward, with the exception of high water, we took our chances every day and jumped from stone to stone across the creek and home we went.

Kinda funny how in our lives we are always looking for that same bridge. We will walk miles out of the way to find some “safe” means of getting from A to B. What happened to our free faithful spirit to just take the leap?  

You know exactly what I mean. How many times in your life did you stay in a relationship you weren’t even interested in until you could find someone else? We’ve all done it at some point - the rebound. A bit counterproductive, but safe. It’s what we needed to cross from one point in our lives into something else. How many have bravely quit a job that didn’t make them happy until they had another guarantee in place, even though it was a job that was a step down. 

I’m not saying there aren’t circumstances that warrant a back up plan. What I’m suggesting is that there are many that don’t - namely, love. After a period of time I sat out of the game and spent some time reflecting, I started to wonder if my lack of interest was perhaps just my serious lack of knowing what I wanted. In recent weeks, I’ve had lots of reasons to finally put that thought to rest. I do know what I want. I know exactly what I want. Things are so clear for the first time in my life it’s almost scary.

The more frightening piece is what I see, hear and feel when I talk to others. How many people are looking for a bridge. That first jump is scary. The what ifs, the worry about regrets. The only thing I can say in my own experience is how much more devastating the safe routes and the staying put was than just risking a soaker. 

There will be days I look for the safe route, and days I dive in. I suppose the blessing is understanding that the worst case isn’t so bad afterall.

I’ve spent a good deal of my adult years now on my own. Yet, as I often remind my friends, I’ve never been lonelier than the times I spent in the wrong relationships. You never need a back up plan, you just need to believe in yourself, your ability to navigate the creek, and to know that a soaker isn’t so bad after all. Every step in the creek, one rock to the next is your choice. The bridge however, is fixed, predictable, and out of the way.  You choose…

If you’re looking in my direction, there are no bridges here. Cross the creek!

Sweet Escape - Calm in the Chaos

Is it just me or March is one of the toughest months of the year? Borrowing from the sports world, March Madness really is an accurate description. The Season’s are changing (well, not as quickly as usual here in Toronto), people are anxiously awaiting what is next. The frenzy of the New Year and all the changes that come with that have settled and we’ve been in the flow for a period of time, now we’re looking for something new again.

It’s been an interesting few weeks. After a very busy week travelling across Western Canada, I have found myself a bit out of sorts lately, truly not myself. A bit drained, frustrated, stuck. Least to say it wasn’t a surprise when I dropped an egg on the kitchen floor this morning, and laughed as I rolled my eyes and wrote it off as a Monday. Just when you think I’d learned my lesson, I dropped a second one right after it. Now I was just plain pissed, at myself. I stopped, took a deep breath and reminded myself to slow down. Nothing good ever comes when I’m rushing, and things take me twice as long - even making breakfast. Not an hour later I booked a business flight on the wrong set of dates. Oh yeah, booked 4 flights starting a day too early moving between 3 cities. Almost forgot I had a conference call until my laptop beeped at me, just as I logged in to change my flights.

The afternoon wasn’t much better. I went from having a pretty hefty workload, of which I was hammering through, yet the number I was battling the number of emails in my inbox, which seemed to multiply by the minute. For every email I tackled, 3 new ones dropped in. It wasn't just work. Whatever it is in the air, I heard from three different men who have played various roles in my life out of the blue. 

I finally took a break and hit CrossFit. Where I also struggled to stay focused. I needed it. The chance to reconnect. Get out of the zone I was in and get some energy back up. Before I walked out the door to CrossFit I was about 30 seconds from booking a flight anywhere I could find - I just wanted to escape. 

Fortunately, I have come to learn that life is cyclical. Things get out of control sometimes. Things get crazy. They get overwhelming, uncomfortable. Sometimes things feel stuck. Things change. People come and go. Jobs get hectic. Personal life gets out of balance. Sometimes you just have a day that nothing goes right. Fortunately, it’s all going to pass and change again anyway. So ride the waves ashore. 

There are times when you are alone, time when you wish you had time to spend alone. Times when everyone wants to see you, and times when no one does. That’s life. The one thing I’m grateful to have learned in all of it, it’s ok sometimes to just stand still… let the world spin around you and take a breather. Disconnect from life. Reconnect with yourself. Spend some time enjoying the quiet and peace within. This is my escape. My calm in the chaos. I can go there anytime… no flights required.

My calm until the chaos passes - it always does :).  It is when the world seems to need the most of you that you must put yourself first. 

GUEST POST: Response to: Do I know what I want?

Delighted to share a response to my blog the other day about wondering if I actually know what I want. Thank you to a great guy for coming forward with his thoughts. I'm always anxious to hear from you- thoughts, feedback or guest post: jax@jaxmattioli.com 

GUEST POST:

Just read your latest blog post and wanted to take you up on your invitation for comment. I’ve been thinking a lot about the same topic lately, noticing my own disinterest in dating.

I think people switch between the dating natures you describe depending on where they are in their own lives. I used to be a person who could be easily attracted to others and would be willing to go on a date with nearly anyone, even just to take a chance at maybe being surprised.  One of the reasons for that was a positive thing – I could see the beauty in most people. The rest of the reasons were deficiencies I had to work on- lack of a sense of my own value, lack of self-knowledge, lack of satisfaction with my life as a single person.  My friends gave me some extremely good advice there: “You date the wrong people because you don’t think you deserve someone good” or “You date the wrong people because you fall for their qualities and fail to realize they don’t share your values.” It was entirely true. I could spot it in the language I’d use to describe why someone was so special. “She has a great sense of humour” or “She is so impressively smart.” Qualities. Never values like “because we want the same things and are helping each other get there.”  Becoming aware of that allowed me to change and be more selective in my attraction. There are so many people in the world with great qualities, but the pool of people whose values match mine is smaller.

The dating world becomes tiresome not just because it takes a lot of work, and time I don’t have when I’m doing all the things I love, but because certain aspects of the modern dating process and the “hookup culture” are damaging to the spirit. When I start framing things in terms of values, it’s just a process I don’t want to be a part of.

Since joining Crossfit I’m been thinking a lot about the importance of spending time in positive communities. When I get to know people from the box, I find out that the qualities and values they have that make them dedicated to training have also made them interesting, successful, and inspirational in other areas of their lives. I think this is the better way to meet people – whether it’s a gym or a cooking class or a writing group – I’m just going to dedicate my time to continuous self improvement in the company of others who do the same, and believe that eventually leads toward meeting someone special without having to “try” at dating… or go online to do “catalog shopping” for a mate as I’ve been guilty of in the past.

Charles Bukowski’s gravestone is inscribed with the phrase “Don’t try.” I’ve come to believe it’s the most succinct inspirational quote – because what are the alternatives to trying? Don’t try. Do. Don’t try. Be.

The notion of a crush is also interesting. A crush for me used to mean being so attracted to a person that everyone else seemed disinteresting by comparison. It was a form of emotional commitment and faithfulness to a person who had actually offered me nothing in return. In reality, probably an emotional commitment to an idea of a person who I didn’t really know, because she wasn’t even giving me her time or attention. It also stopped happening when I learned how to properly value myself. If I’m going to give someone the gift of feeling that way about them, they have to be giving something back. So while I’m not usually big on giving advice, if you’re anything like me, you probably shouldn’t miss having a crush. You’ve learned what your heart is worth and you aren’t giving it away for free. The right person will be willing to work very hard to earn it, a small piece at a time.

A Hug from Heaven...

It’s been 3 days, 4 flights, 3 cities, 3 hotels, and 3 different time zones… I boarded my flight tonight on route to my last stop before heading home. Without thinking I sat in my row on the usual side of the aircraft, until someone boarded and realized I was sitting in their seat. I was on autopilot. It happens to the best of us. I was exhausted, and more focused on remembering which city I was flying to next then which seat I was assigned on this flight. 

That said, although it’s been a busy few days, I can’t help but sit here tired and smiling at the miracle that took place just a few days ago. After a long travel day on a Sunday, I boarded my flight from Vancouver to Victoria. It was 7pm as our aircraft left the terminal bound for the tarmac. Perhaps the shortest flight I’ve ever been on, just 15 minutes in the air. As we taxied out to the runway, I noticed the sun beginning to set. It was a sight for sore eyes. 

I smiled to the man next to me as I snuck my phone out of my pocket to snap a quick shot. He quietly acknowledged, I whispered, “these are the moments that make all of this worth it!” He nodded. Within minutes we took off. As the plane turned to head out across the water to the Island, I gasped. The sinking sun set the water below on fire with light. It was spectacular. For a moment, I was transported. I was awestruck by the beauty and powerful presence of the sun, more so where I was in the exact moment to witness this. I am certain I was almost out of my seat ready to explode from the joy of the sight. I couldn’t help but point it out to the man seated beside me. He smiled politely, but kept to himself. I watched his eyes gaze softly out the window at the sunset. In a brief moment of conversation he mentioned he was on his way to visit a family member who wasn’t well. I sensed the heaviness in his heart. I knew I couldn’t do or say anything that could lift the burden he carried. Instead, I smiled back at the sun and said softly, “I’m certain this is a sign that all will be ok.”

As we approached the island, the sky was ablaze. It was the most incredible sunset I’d ever seen. Although our electronics were supposed to be stowed, I snapped another handful of shots. I squealed under my breath. My heart was completely overflowing with warmth. The woman seated in front of me turned with a smile and asked if I caught a picture of the sunset. I nodded, trying to contain myself. As we landed and taxied to the airport, she asked if I would email her the photo as she had checked her camera with her luggage. “Absolutely!” I’m certain every person on that side of the aircraft was feeling the power of what we had just witnessed, it was a front row seat for the most incredible sunset.

Weary and excited, I sat in the back of the taxi on route to the hotel. I smiled, and immediately opened a text my mom had sent just before my first flight took off that morning. She said ‘I prayed that God would give you a hug for me because I haven’t been able to see you.” It had been a tough month. Lots of change and growth in life made for an uncomfortable time as I struggled to hold faith in my current journey. After breaking her foot several months prior, it because difficult for us to get together. I texted the photo to my mom and said “I got your hug!”

The next day, with a little rest, between meetings, I pulled out the note with the ladies’ email on it and sent her the photos from my phone. She responded almost immediately, her name was Angie, short for “Angela” and in my eyes, “Angel.” Her note back brought me to tears. The entire experience the night before had touched her, and the simple gesture of sharing the photographs moved her to share a story. A story of pain and struggle faced by both herself, and the man who sat next to me on the aircraft. I couldn’t wait to finish my meeting and fly back to the next city so I could digest and write her back. By then she had sent me a second email with one of my favourite poems about “A reason, a season, a lifetime.” The timing was incredible. It really was the answer I had prayed for earlier the day prior, a sign to know that I was on the right path. Here through the words of a woman I’d barely met in person, I received exactly what I needed. Her responses told me she’d also received a gift she’d needed from me. 

More than 24 hours later, I still feel the lump in my throat and joy in my heart over the exchange. I’m not sure how, I’m not sure why, but yet again, life has filled my needs. Not because I asked, because I gave. Instead of praying for something I wanted or needed, I prayed the day prior that I could understand my purpose and give whatever it was that the world needed of me. Yesterday I gave, little did I realize that I would be the one who got back so much more than I gave. My heart is full, and I need for nothing…

Why I give…

Do I know what I want? Or am I simply more confused?

After a couple of “interesting dates” and lots of time with great friends, I was starting to wonder why I have been so uninterested in dating in recent months. Apart from having a very full and very blessed life. I have arrived at a few possibilities. Either I am just completely satisfied with where I am in life at the moment OR, perhaps I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore OR, I am so certain of exactly what I want that I am uninterested in wasting my time on anything else.

On the way home from an event tonight, some girlfriends and I couldn't help but dish about our thoughts. One friend hadn't met anyone who interested her and spent 4 years single before recently getting involved with someone she knew, with whom it's been a great and natural fit. The other friend and I both noted how only 1 or 2 ever come along that even interest us...I think I miss having a crush?!

It seems there are people of every type of dating nature. Those who fall hard for everyone. Those who think everyone falls hard for them. Those who just need to be with someone, anyone. Those who don’t really need anyone. I think I could go on… So I am left to wonder where do I fit?

I want a relationship, but absolutely adore every single privilege and pleasure that has come to me in my single life, so much so, that I’d rather be single, unless he’s the one.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please shoot me an email. 

Where do you stand on dating? 
What are you looking for?
What does settling look like for you?
What do you love or hate about dating?

I know you have thoughts on this… don’t leave me hanging, I want to hear from you!!!

jax@jaxmattioli.com 

What are you resisting?

I admit it, I drank the CrossFit KoolAid! For years, I was probably on the bandwagon of haters. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t care to. I had formed my own opinion, largely influenced by those of everyone around me. 

But here I am, about 6 months into the program. I am seeing improvements in all areas of my life. I am stronger than I ever thought possible mentally, physically and emotionally. Just over 8 months ago, I took on a new position in my professional career. A good step up and very challenging opportunity that put me back on the road. Travelling extensively and putting in long hours to get on board with the new role. I met a man in a hotel gym one morning, and immediately my back went up when he said “CrossFit is for you.”  I told him not likely, but promised I’d give it a shot. Sometimes you just need a nudge.

I tried it. And texted my new friend back, “thanks for the suggestion, I tried it, it’s not for me.” He laughed and gave me praise for at least trying. Less than 24 hours later, I texted him back, “I eat my words. I’m in love!”  He was right, it was exactly what I needed. A program that would fit my busy life, and add a lot of value to it. 

I have met one of the most incredible communities of people who support each other in and outside the box. I have pushed my own boundaries, and rebuilt my confidence in myself and my ability to brave new experiences. I found a place where I can just be. I can show up without makeup, trip over my own two feet. Fail on a movement. Try again. Fall flat on my face, and get picked back up by a peer. I am recognized for every little win, and my worst critic in the room is myself. The most advanced cross fitters in the room relive their own victories through my small victories. What is not encouraging about that? Mostly, it fits my life. 

It is just one of countless examples in life where being open to something might totally change your path and your life. Sure, it’s not hard at first. Trying anything new is uncomfortable at best. But each of those experiences is the chance to discover a piece of yourself you never knew before. 

Whatever it is you are resisting in life, see what happens when you simply breathe into it. Let the tension and resistance go, give it a shot. Sometimes it is the things we resist most that we need most. Live at edge of your comfort zone, life is short, push that edge further.

“For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them. Thich Nhat Hanh”

A Setback? Or a Cue to Change Directions.

We’ve all done it, hit a wall, lost progress… faced a setback. Whether it was an injury or a breakup, perhaps both carry similar lessons. That very thing you experience as a setback, just might be your cue to change directions. 

Weeks into my training with just 3 weeks until my deadline, this week my body quit. My hip flexors screamed for days after 50 Burpees. I mentally failed after that. The thought of doing squats was more than I could fathom. The coach gave me some mobility exercises to work on while the class did the Squat work. It stung my ego big time… to sit out on a workout. Mentally, I felt all the panic of losing the gains I was making. It didn’t occur to me until a few days later and continued work on those nasty hip flexors, this was my chance. My chance to rebuild my squat. So, was it really a set back, or just a chance to fix a fundamental that was put off?

You’ve been dating someone and it just doesn’t work out. As a single person, clearly I can attest to many a break ups. At the moment, they hurt, they’re sad, even when it’s your choice, it just plain sucks. Then… you meet someone different, and you realize, the last just wasn’t what you needed. You might have never figured that out if you hadn’t met someone new, changed directions.

Interestingly through many of my own blunders, the piece that needed fixing was my own. Whether it was settling for a person to help me avoid myself, or putting up with more than I should have because I wasn’t confident about myself. Each “setback” was a chance to rebuild and comeback. 

In all honesty, it’s always been easier to envision the results in everything I do. Sometimes you just have to trust the process. You may not know where you’re going for a while. But if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day after another, you’re surely getting somewhere. I trained for 6 weeks and began wondering if ever I’d get my first pull up. When I least expected it, I tried, and I did it! The programming of the cycle was beyond what seemed obvious to me, but it worked. I surrendered and took the steps I could. I brought my all to every workout, and accepted the limitations and the challenges. 

Even when it sucks, bravely place one foot in front of the other, and know that when you turn around next, you will see how far you’ve come.

Success = Better Than Yesterday!

Just how subjective is success? Not that this question is really new to anyone in life. In fact I’m sure 90% of you who are reading this have reminded someone else that success is subjective. Yet, I wonder if you have ever reminded yourself the same? Honestly.

I have always been driven, competitive by nature, and yes, an overachiever more often than not. For years I spent my life perfecting the things I did. Giving all my energy to only the things I knew I could be great at. My career, the sports I specialized in, class subjects, friendships. You name it. It was a stressful journey. Setting the pace meant constantly being motivated by fear - the fear of failure, falling behind, losing, having to chase. 

I’ve come to realize after years of keeping that pace that it left me incomplete. When I was constantly out in front I had no room to grow. I would set a goal that I knew I could reach, because naturally that’s what we do when we are driven by our standard of success, I’d reach it, crush it and then find a new one. It was fulfilling only in the short term gratification that came from each win. But not in the craving I had in my soul for something greater.

Just a few years later, many goals accomplished, many dreams realized, equally many shattered. I found a place that gave me a new perspective on success. No where in life is it so obvious to me that the definition of success is so subjective then every day I walk through the doors at CrossFIt. I am not the fastest, nor am I the strongest person there. I don’t compete with my fellow crossfitters, I compete against myself with a room full of supporters. 

There are days I don’t feel like going, I am intimidated by the workout of the day (WOD) posted the day before. I question if I can handle it. Then I forget the panic. Bring myself back to the moment, and take the first step. I simply show up. I throw on my gear, forget the fear, and get my butt to the box. Minute through minute our coach takes us through the hour long program. From the warm up, which makes most of us groan and feel the exhaustion in our muscles from the day before. To the strength component, where we get to explore pushing our own limits. Week after week we work against our own goals. It’s simple. Can you add a few pounds to what you did last time? Week after week, we are breaking our own PR’s (Personal Records). It doesn’t have to be by milestone’s, but every day, every pound is a success. 

For me, every day, every pound led to my first strict pull up. Those small gains really do lead to something much greater. Truth be told, I wasn’t convinced I was ready to do it, until another member of the community challenged me to try. I got shy. There was a group full of experienced cross fitters sitting around stretching after our workout. I was already exhausted. Yet, he insisted. He followed me to a spot on the bar where there were less people around. I set up, rubbed my hands in the chalk. Stepped up to the bar. I shook my head. My heart raced a bit. I gripped the bar, let my body hang still. I thought back to all the movements our coach had emphasized, I squeezed my shoulder blades together, and slowly I felt my body lifting - I was already further than I’d ever been before. Maybe, my forehead was in line with the bar… Nope. Fail.

I let go of the bar and jumped to the floor. Mike, looked at me and smiled. I laughed. I said, “not today.”. He urged me to try again. I didn’t think I had it in me. I was a bit sheepish knowing what I was doing was starting to get the attention of the other members. Mike suggested I move my hands closer together and try again. I hopped up one last time, seriously shaking my head at him. I figured I had just maxed out my muscles on the last attempt. I gripped the bar and hung again. I began to pull, I peered over the bar, I was so close. I took one big breath and mustered up everything in me and sure enough, I did it! I let out a scream, as I jumped off the bar. I clapped and high-fived Mike. I did it!!! Success!

It seemed like such a small victory, knowing the members around me could do them in their sleep, but every one of them for the next week congratulated me on my accomplishment. I am smiling still thinking about it. It was a big accomplishment to me. They all remembered their first one too. We’ve all been there. 

Being the best is great, for a while.  The novelty wears off. While I am still not the strongest or the fastest, I win every time I show up. I do it for me. To be better than I was yesterday. To keep chasing my dream to be the best person I can from the inside out. One day, one challenge, one step, one victory at a time. Tomorrow is another chance to learn, to push, to grow…to succeed.