Delighted to share a response to my blog the other day about wondering if I actually know what I want. Thank you to a great guy for coming forward with his thoughts. I'm always anxious to hear from you- thoughts, feedback or guest post: jax@jaxmattioli.com
GUEST POST:
Just read your latest blog post and wanted to take you up on your invitation for comment. I’ve been thinking a lot about the same topic lately, noticing my own disinterest in dating.
I think people switch between the dating natures you describe depending on where they are in their own lives. I used to be a person who could be easily attracted to others and would be willing to go on a date with nearly anyone, even just to take a chance at maybe being surprised. One of the reasons for that was a positive thing – I could see the beauty in most people. The rest of the reasons were deficiencies I had to work on- lack of a sense of my own value, lack of self-knowledge, lack of satisfaction with my life as a single person. My friends gave me some extremely good advice there: “You date the wrong people because you don’t think you deserve someone good” or “You date the wrong people because you fall for their qualities and fail to realize they don’t share your values.” It was entirely true. I could spot it in the language I’d use to describe why someone was so special. “She has a great sense of humour” or “She is so impressively smart.” Qualities. Never values like “because we want the same things and are helping each other get there.” Becoming aware of that allowed me to change and be more selective in my attraction. There are so many people in the world with great qualities, but the pool of people whose values match mine is smaller.
The dating world becomes tiresome not just because it takes a lot of work, and time I don’t have when I’m doing all the things I love, but because certain aspects of the modern dating process and the “hookup culture” are damaging to the spirit. When I start framing things in terms of values, it’s just a process I don’t want to be a part of.
Since joining Crossfit I’m been thinking a lot about the importance of spending time in positive communities. When I get to know people from the box, I find out that the qualities and values they have that make them dedicated to training have also made them interesting, successful, and inspirational in other areas of their lives. I think this is the better way to meet people – whether it’s a gym or a cooking class or a writing group – I’m just going to dedicate my time to continuous self improvement in the company of others who do the same, and believe that eventually leads toward meeting someone special without having to “try” at dating… or go online to do “catalog shopping” for a mate as I’ve been guilty of in the past.
Charles Bukowski’s gravestone is inscribed with the phrase “Don’t try.” I’ve come to believe it’s the most succinct inspirational quote – because what are the alternatives to trying? Don’t try. Do. Don’t try. Be.
The notion of a crush is also interesting. A crush for me used to mean being so attracted to a person that everyone else seemed disinteresting by comparison. It was a form of emotional commitment and faithfulness to a person who had actually offered me nothing in return. In reality, probably an emotional commitment to an idea of a person who I didn’t really know, because she wasn’t even giving me her time or attention. It also stopped happening when I learned how to properly value myself. If I’m going to give someone the gift of feeling that way about them, they have to be giving something back. So while I’m not usually big on giving advice, if you’re anything like me, you probably shouldn’t miss having a crush. You’ve learned what your heart is worth and you aren’t giving it away for free. The right person will be willing to work very hard to earn it, a small piece at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment