Rediscovering Freedom in a Relationship

All my life I had visions of everything I ever wanted in life. The dress I would buy for a special event, the career of my dreams, the home, the life, the man… I never found any one of those dresses. I found better ones. As for the rest of life, after many ups and downs, I finally traded that vision for hope.  Hope in my heart that whatever was coming would be better than I could imagine anyway. I gave up the frustration, the search and the disappointments in that same trade.

Life evolved. I settled into what I finally considered an amazing life. Yes, Single. I moved to the City, grew my social network, focused on my career, and took many steps forward. I decided I’d figured it out. Opportunities I had never imagined came my way; events, people, new challenges, life experiences - I had the chance to walk a long road back to who I was and away from what I’d become. To rediscover the soul at the core of my existence. What made her happy, what she really wanted. To let go of what I had learned to want from the world. I had never thought it would be possible to simply enjoy the freedom of being on my own. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable for a while. To wake up each day and do WHATEVER I wanted. To be accountable to no one. To live a selfish existence after years of believing I was responsible for holding up the world around me. Turns out, it never needed my help in the first place. Life carried on with or without my input. People were living their lives as they pleased, and it was time I finally started to live my own. 

Stumbling, I began to explore the edges of my existing boundaries, gradually expanding them and my comfort zone. At ease in my own skin at last, I lost interest in dating. I was busy enjoying the life I’d discovered. Spending time with friends, exploring new passions. Tired of the disappointments, lack of connection and time sacrificed in the dating world, I wondered if perhaps I was better off alone. I questioned if I would even know how to function in a relationship anymore. My new life was pretty full. I promised myself I would embrace it, and before long, I fell in love with the life I was living.

Just as I’d been promised, when I least expected it. I met someone. All the time I’d spent becoming the strongest version of myself, I suddenly realized I’d never felt weaker, so vulnerable. Here I’d figured the hardest part in life would be going it alone, but I discovered, although I had wanted love so badly, I was afraid I might not know how to share my journey anymore. I had become so independent and after so much work mastering it, I didn’t know if I wanted to give that up. Would I have to give up the life I had come to finally love so much? 

No matter how strong you are, how mature, confident, secure, stable you are, when your heart belongs to someone, all of that strength fades to the background. It would be easier to stand naked in public than to hand someone your heart, and with it feel every hidden insecurity and fear bubble up to the surface. Every wall you’ve ever built falls down, and you realize the power of the person who stands before you, holding your heart. You’re free falling without a safety net, trusting this person to catch and hold your heart softly. There are no certainties, only hope, love, and the strength to bravely learn to walk all over again on new legs.

Managing to take those first few awkward steps, stumbling but without tripping over your own two feet, when you realize you’re no longer walking alone. Now, you must learn to lean a little while together you find an even stride, where walking arm and arm is smooth again.  You can exhale, because even if you trip, that arm around you is strong enough to keep you from falling. The only effort required is the desire to keep the pace, let go and learn that you can lean a little when you’re unsteady. 

As for giving up the life I loved, with the right person, I know I will never have to. Love is freeing. Love is supportive and enriching. Love is the desire to fit in, not interrupt. To grow together, not change directions. It is the support to let go of the questions, and begin expanding in every other area of life, to continue to evolve as a person, without the weight of worry or need to go it alone.

Make Space - It's not "their" words and actions, it's yours...

It’s a common expression in the dating world, words mean little, action says everything. Yet, I have to call myself out on something, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. There have been many times I have “said” something, more to convince myself I meant it than because I actually did. Like, “I am happy alone” or “I don’t even want a relationship” or “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t bother me” or “I believe I deserve more.” 

What words did you just play through your own head? There are many many statements I’ve made to myself and to others. The truth is, I wanted so badly to believe them that I just kept saying them. But there was a clear difference between the times I felt them, and the times I just said them. 

In hindsight, after the end of various relationships, I would tell my friends, family and myself that I was over dating. That I didn’t care. That it didn’t matter, and that I was perfectly happy alone. I even believed myself for moments at a time. But then came that clear moment where even I knew it wasn’t true. The nights I went home alone and wrapped all of the pillows on my bed around me so I could pretend I wasn’t. The nights I prayed that my heart would be filled with love so I wouldn’t need to find it somewhere else. I could put on a brave face day after day for the world, but I went home at night to face the real one. To look in the mirror, and wonder, why? If the emptiness would ever go away. If the thoughts of what went wrong in the last one would ever leave my mind.

It did, and I learned. I began to understand that it would take work. That I could say anything I wanted, but until I really felt it, lived it and breathed it, nothing changed. After sitting in my own mess of emotions a few times, I felt the release. I felt the weightlessness of my actions and words aligning. The weight of the questions and convincing lifted. Within days, every single time, I met someone special. Like so many had reminded me, it was every time I least expected it. Moreover, every time I actually said and meant that I was happy.

What are you saying? What do you ACTUALLY believe? You might as well look in that mirror and get really honest with yourself. No one else knows or cares if you mean it. No one else will put their head on your pillow and hear your thoughts at night, your worries. Those precious moments are yours to live with. Are you using words to avoid facing what you actually feel? There is nothing more beautiful and releasing than just allowing yourself the freedom to feel, to endure, to let go of whatever it is you are pushing aside. Believe it or not, it might just be the one thing that is occupying the space in your life that is needed to make room for whatever is coming next. Can you tap in, feel it, and truly let it go. Make space…

Timing is everything... when you're both ready.

While I write about forgetting “the rules” of dating, I have recently found myself having to consciously live by that same philosophy. Incredible how programmed we can become to protect ourselves in vulnerable situations. I have been blessed to have met someone with whom rules don’t apply. In fact, things get better and better, easier and easier when there are no rules. I don’t have to pretend I’m not interested for him to come closer. I don’t have to build a busy schedule so I can appear busy (unfortunately I just am busy right now…).

Yet, I have recently caught myself saying things like “every girl”, or “someone,” instead of “I” and “you.” Fortunately, I’ve met the kind of man who is ready, open and very much interested. He recently called me out, I didn’t even realize how my language was making him feel until he outright said to me, “I don’t care what every girl wants, I want to know what you want?” It shocked me. I hadn’t realized how even my language had become programmed with “nonchalant” responses. Over the years of disappointed dating, I had formed some bad habits. 

I used to live by “the rules.” The very ones that have sold millions of dollars worth of books telling single’s how to play the game. How to catch a relationship and keep it. What if the real rule was, be yourself and the right one will find you? Seems simple. Until you realize being completely, honestly and truly just yourself leaves you wide open to rejection. We can lose jobs, lose relations with people we know, but the fear of losing someone we truly love forces us to reject ourselves as we are. Suddenly we question if that person is good enough, smart enough, loveable enough to keep someone in our lives.

I remember dating a guy once who planned a date with me, then noted he broke the “Date/Time Continuum” some rule about not planning a date further out then the same amount of time you’ve known someone. I laugh when I think back, then look at the relationship I am in now. We have broken every rule, I have been my ridiculous self and every time I see him, he feels closer. We can talk openly about uncomfortable subjects without fear that someone will quit and run. What is the difference to every other relationship?

We are both ready… it’s that simple.Timing really is everything. Sure we are both scared. But, we’ve told each other that. In the meantime, we’ve been able to ensure we always know where each other stands. We have the freedom to communicate once a day or all day long without insecurity, overthinking, or fear. It’s amazing how being with someone who is secure and ready frees your own mind to actually grow within your own life. 

As a professional, I have a hectic travel schedule. I’ve never minded being on the road as a single person. I have few commitments at home and have as a result seriously enjoyed the freedom of extending trips, spontaneous nights out, making and meeting up with friends around the continent. I must admit when I travel, I often lose touch with my friends and family while I’m on the road. Between professional meetings, and travelling with a team, there is often very little time that I am alone on the road. When I finally get that time, I am mentally drained and need that time to just unwind alone.  

So… this past week was going to be a real test in my new relationship. Fortunately, he is also an executive and very much appreciates the travel life. This week, we both travelled thousands of miles to different cities (him internationally). I wondered if it might be the first time I started to question things. I knew we would be on a 5 hour time difference, and with very different looking schedules. Yet, it worked beautifully. If you’ve ever been in an insecure relationship, you can relate to the struggle of watching for a “Read” receipt to an instant message, or waiting hours upon hours with no response. However, when communication is open and you feel secure, you are freed from ever wondering. There were days we may have only said “xo” to each other, and twice I was shocked when my text message actually prompted a telephone call because we both had a few minutes to talk. 

All of this not only makes me happy, but makes me also truly appreciate that playing by the rules and keeping someone in your life who doesn’t belong there anyway is such wasted energy and mental space. The freedom I have now to expand in all areas of my life is beyond rewarding. So my friends, I say again… clear the noise in your head, and follow your heart. If you want to say something, say it. If you want to do something, do it. You will know when it’s right. When you have the freedom to be completely yourself, when you are at home in your own heart. Love is there…<3