Rediscovering Freedom in a Relationship

All my life I had visions of everything I ever wanted in life. The dress I would buy for a special event, the career of my dreams, the home, the life, the man… I never found any one of those dresses. I found better ones. As for the rest of life, after many ups and downs, I finally traded that vision for hope.  Hope in my heart that whatever was coming would be better than I could imagine anyway. I gave up the frustration, the search and the disappointments in that same trade.

Life evolved. I settled into what I finally considered an amazing life. Yes, Single. I moved to the City, grew my social network, focused on my career, and took many steps forward. I decided I’d figured it out. Opportunities I had never imagined came my way; events, people, new challenges, life experiences - I had the chance to walk a long road back to who I was and away from what I’d become. To rediscover the soul at the core of my existence. What made her happy, what she really wanted. To let go of what I had learned to want from the world. I had never thought it would be possible to simply enjoy the freedom of being on my own. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable for a while. To wake up each day and do WHATEVER I wanted. To be accountable to no one. To live a selfish existence after years of believing I was responsible for holding up the world around me. Turns out, it never needed my help in the first place. Life carried on with or without my input. People were living their lives as they pleased, and it was time I finally started to live my own. 

Stumbling, I began to explore the edges of my existing boundaries, gradually expanding them and my comfort zone. At ease in my own skin at last, I lost interest in dating. I was busy enjoying the life I’d discovered. Spending time with friends, exploring new passions. Tired of the disappointments, lack of connection and time sacrificed in the dating world, I wondered if perhaps I was better off alone. I questioned if I would even know how to function in a relationship anymore. My new life was pretty full. I promised myself I would embrace it, and before long, I fell in love with the life I was living.

Just as I’d been promised, when I least expected it. I met someone. All the time I’d spent becoming the strongest version of myself, I suddenly realized I’d never felt weaker, so vulnerable. Here I’d figured the hardest part in life would be going it alone, but I discovered, although I had wanted love so badly, I was afraid I might not know how to share my journey anymore. I had become so independent and after so much work mastering it, I didn’t know if I wanted to give that up. Would I have to give up the life I had come to finally love so much? 

No matter how strong you are, how mature, confident, secure, stable you are, when your heart belongs to someone, all of that strength fades to the background. It would be easier to stand naked in public than to hand someone your heart, and with it feel every hidden insecurity and fear bubble up to the surface. Every wall you’ve ever built falls down, and you realize the power of the person who stands before you, holding your heart. You’re free falling without a safety net, trusting this person to catch and hold your heart softly. There are no certainties, only hope, love, and the strength to bravely learn to walk all over again on new legs.

Managing to take those first few awkward steps, stumbling but without tripping over your own two feet, when you realize you’re no longer walking alone. Now, you must learn to lean a little while together you find an even stride, where walking arm and arm is smooth again.  You can exhale, because even if you trip, that arm around you is strong enough to keep you from falling. The only effort required is the desire to keep the pace, let go and learn that you can lean a little when you’re unsteady. 

As for giving up the life I loved, with the right person, I know I will never have to. Love is freeing. Love is supportive and enriching. Love is the desire to fit in, not interrupt. To grow together, not change directions. It is the support to let go of the questions, and begin expanding in every other area of life, to continue to evolve as a person, without the weight of worry or need to go it alone.