From Poker Player to Standing Naked in Times Square...

Have you ever feared something so much... then tried it, and realized the fear was far worse then the reality, and you wonder why it took you so long? 

So here I am... after 8 months of fearing something, fighting it, exhausting myself, stressing out people around me as I over thought, over stressed, debated, reasoned, obsessed about what to do, all because I was afraid to risk rejection...

It hit me like a ton of bricks a few weeks ago when it became clear that I have been living my dating life in the disguise of a Poker Player. Harsh but true... for years, I have entered various types of relationships with my hat tipped down, and straight face on... waiting patiently for my opponent to reveal their hand. Holding everything back until my opponent is completely exposed. Then swooping in for the win. It hurt to realize this... I have been approaching relationships from a Win - Lose perspective, and the way I wasn't going to Lose ever was by never laying a card first.

Oddly, CHRIS told me this 8 months ago... and I thought he was the crazy one who wasn't "emotionally available" or "vulnerable". Funny what they say about hindsight... This new analogy did open my eyes and a whole new set of behaviours. The only way I can move forward in my life is by playing my cards, and realizing relationships are Win - Win. Not a competition, but a collaboration. There is still something to gain from every relationship... even if it doesn't turn out the way you wanted. Sometime's the lesson doesn't appear until much later, but it is still a Win.

So I played a card... then I played another one... it got so easy, I laid my whole hand down. Yes, as mentioned I decided to finally be truthful with my feelings for CHRIS fully prepared to risk that I may not like the reaction. I asked the question I feared most... and you know what... I'm ok.  But then what...?

I've gone from the safe harbour of the Poker Table, to standing completely naked in the middle of Times Square. At first it was the most uncomfortable feeling I could describe to anyone. Everything crossed my mind, from taking back my token promise and running shoes, and getting the heck out of dodge.   Then I realized, sometimes, when you don't know what to do, and when it gets to be the most uncomfortable, that's when the true lesson is learned. So I stood still... exposed... uncertain... and suddenly, naturally all on it's own, things got more comfortable.  CHRIS got in touch and asked to see me. Again, fearing the awkwardness, it took some effort and focus to go over. But... it was different this time. For the first time, I felt completely comfortable in his presence. I was finally wearing my own skin... the truth. And I realized I was strong enough to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments, but it took me 31 years to build this old behaviour, I can't expect it to change in a day. But with a little effort and a lot of support, I am making change happen. There are more hours in a day that I can own my nakedness, then question it.... progress :). I don't know what tomorrow holds, and I'm trying to keep that a surprise for once. Who'd have thought...

Getting Stronger Every Day... Because the greatest risk in life, is to risk nothing at all...

Here I am, still standing completely exposed. The discomfort has eased slightly today... not sure if it was the praying I did and promise to myself to "let go".  Reflecting on what would have always been the easier choice, run!!  So here I am, and I've decided, I am going to look in the eye of fear and stare back... I am very aware I risk getting very hurt yet again. But living in the safety of my cocoon has not allowed me to let anyone in, to once again feel love, to feel anything really.

So I go back to the theme I blogged about months ago... being in the moment. Letting go of plans, letting go of questions and obsessing and analyzing. Trust me, I'm no expert. The more I listen to my friends share their own struggles, the more I see it in myself. I continue to paralyze myself and whomever I'm dating when I panic about "what's next". As my mother tells me, if you don't stop to enjoy the good moments, when the bad one's come you will feel worse for not appreciating the good ones.

That said, after a meeting with my Therapist, chats with many of my besties, I decided to take a calculated risk for the first time in a long time. I exposed myself to someone I've grown to care about earlier this week. The feelings were not on even playing grounds. But I have decided to stick with it, and this time, let it be... be in the moment, let go of expectation, risk pain, risk rejection. I know I can do this, and what won't kill me will definitely make me stronger. Everyday, I am getting stronger :).

Tonight I saw CHRIS. After exposing myself I feared the situation had gotten beyond uncomfortable and would likely just dissipate completely. I let it go, prayed on it, it was a tough and uncomfortable day. Sure enough a message came to get together this evening. I did it. Trust me I questioned the choice and was as far as in his parking garage when I still contemplated cancelling and going home. Then the little voice said, be in the moment. I had to let go of fear as I could not predict what would be. But I could also remember if I didn't like the situation, I had the choice to leave. So I stayed. The visit was more comfortable then it had been in months... there were no expectations, no awkwardness, and the recent events were not rehashed. Here I sit, smiling at myself for having survived what I might have once avoided completely.

I am stronger... I can do this... 

How uncomfortable...changing behaviours

Recently it's come to light that I'm a runner. Running from any situation that would make me vulnerable.  I know many of you reading this can relate. We've all been hurt, as Rhianna says "I've loved and I've lost". But as the saying goes you can't protect yourself from pain without protecting yourself from love. So here I am...I've made a promise to myself and to the someone in my life that I've run from most, I symbolically handed him my running shoes - a charm of course, engraved "Hold my shoes...".

Sadly, I realize that running has been a huge source of my own stress and discomfort in life. It's my way of avoiding the tough questions. But looking back, I've wasted far too much of my time avoiding the things that inevitably come about anyway. So I made a choice this past week. I made a choice to face things. To come clean about my feelings, to pull down my armour, put away my mask, plant my feet firmly on the floor, and do the one thing that scares me most... ask the questions that I've spent months trying to answer myself. Yep, months of wondering, stressing, fortune telling, mind reading. LOL.

So... the answer wasn't as clear cut as I wanted. But the lesson in here... now I must sit. I promised I wouldn't run. And if you've ever had to change a behaviour or try anything new, you are sitting there nodding at just how uncomfortable that feeling is. I shared how deeply my feelings for someone had grown, and how they had caused some of my erratic behaviour within a friendship and undefined casual relationship.  So here I stand... the feelings at this time are not mutual, but for the first time, I'm stuck between relieved and proud to have asked for what I needed, an answer, and to be able to accept that for today.  Although, I've promised not to run, and will now need to redefine the terms of a friendship.

Here I stand, completely exposed... naked. And for the first time in my life, I am going to work at being OK with that...  For the first time in my life, I am going to be ok with who I am, and have faith that this is enough :)

Stay tuned... keeping my feet on the ground.

Running and I'm not sure where to go...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

~Hanging by a Moment, LifeHouse

I'm back! Wow... I don't even know where to begin except to say the journey continues... Just when I thought I was getting a grip on the whole adventure. Ha! I have discovered a slight glitch in the whole system... it was much easier operating without knowing.  Here it is...

After 2 full months of no contact with CHRIS, it was his birthday and I couldn't resist to send a greeting. Very short and sweet. It's who I am... the response was not expected. I received a detailed response about the hurtfulness of my actions and about the good aspects of the relationship we had once shared. It stung... and for the first time since meeting CHRIS I needed to rectify the situation. It was clear communication had fallen off and there was a very unresolved situation lingering in the air. And the worst part, the whole 2 months had me missing him, thinking of him, angry with him, hurt... a host of emotions.

With little convincing, I was in my car within 20 minutes of his call, and North Bound to his cottage. Seriously freaking out. I don't even know what made me do it, except my gut and everything in me told me to go. We spent 12 hours together. A 2 hour conversation that caught me for the first time speaking openly and honestly about my feelings and what had happened. It was clear we both saw the situation very differently. It was refreshing to clear it up and acknowledge each other's right to have felt hurt. A deeper part of the discussion focused around the 4 times I had cut ties with CHRIS, and run so to speak.

So... more confusing than that. After an amazing 12 hours together, the panick, and fear set in again. Over the course of the 2 months without communication I had been out on several dates. Ending each opportunity abruptly before any of them could get anywhere. I even had 2 guys and a girlfriend call me out for running... it was like running straight into a brick wall when I realized... I have been running... I have been the one who was emotionally unavailable the whole time... out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of disappointment.

After a consult with a spiritualist and my therapist again, it hit me like a ton of bricks... I have been fighting hard not to fall in love... and worse, now that I recognize it, it's picking up steam and I can't stop it :(. More time with CHRIS and it's getting stronger. Someone I thought I hated, someone I convinced myself was the devil himself.  In denial, I just shut him out... it never fixed the problem.

So here I am... it's finally time to face it. Whether it goes the way I want or not... I need to share my feelings.  I started yesterday. I had a small gift made, a small silver running shoe charm, and a tag engraved "Hold My Shoes...". I gave him the token yesterday, although I froze on sharing my feelings. I simply offered it as a promise that I would stop running... he probed again why I kept doing it?  The words evaded me. So here I am... still full of thoughts and fear. And wondering how so many are so strong as to express their feelings without fear, knowing it's my turn. And it may or may not go how I want, however, it won't go in any direction except to drive me crazy to hold it back...

Stay tuned as I spend the next days working up the courage to do the one thing that I am most afraid of... please someone, HOLD MY SHOES.... I am so tired of running...