Running and I'm not sure where to go...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

~Hanging by a Moment, LifeHouse

I'm back! Wow... I don't even know where to begin except to say the journey continues... Just when I thought I was getting a grip on the whole adventure. Ha! I have discovered a slight glitch in the whole system... it was much easier operating without knowing.  Here it is...

After 2 full months of no contact with CHRIS, it was his birthday and I couldn't resist to send a greeting. Very short and sweet. It's who I am... the response was not expected. I received a detailed response about the hurtfulness of my actions and about the good aspects of the relationship we had once shared. It stung... and for the first time since meeting CHRIS I needed to rectify the situation. It was clear communication had fallen off and there was a very unresolved situation lingering in the air. And the worst part, the whole 2 months had me missing him, thinking of him, angry with him, hurt... a host of emotions.

With little convincing, I was in my car within 20 minutes of his call, and North Bound to his cottage. Seriously freaking out. I don't even know what made me do it, except my gut and everything in me told me to go. We spent 12 hours together. A 2 hour conversation that caught me for the first time speaking openly and honestly about my feelings and what had happened. It was clear we both saw the situation very differently. It was refreshing to clear it up and acknowledge each other's right to have felt hurt. A deeper part of the discussion focused around the 4 times I had cut ties with CHRIS, and run so to speak.

So... more confusing than that. After an amazing 12 hours together, the panick, and fear set in again. Over the course of the 2 months without communication I had been out on several dates. Ending each opportunity abruptly before any of them could get anywhere. I even had 2 guys and a girlfriend call me out for running... it was like running straight into a brick wall when I realized... I have been running... I have been the one who was emotionally unavailable the whole time... out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of disappointment.

After a consult with a spiritualist and my therapist again, it hit me like a ton of bricks... I have been fighting hard not to fall in love... and worse, now that I recognize it, it's picking up steam and I can't stop it :(. More time with CHRIS and it's getting stronger. Someone I thought I hated, someone I convinced myself was the devil himself.  In denial, I just shut him out... it never fixed the problem.

So here I am... it's finally time to face it. Whether it goes the way I want or not... I need to share my feelings.  I started yesterday. I had a small gift made, a small silver running shoe charm, and a tag engraved "Hold My Shoes...". I gave him the token yesterday, although I froze on sharing my feelings. I simply offered it as a promise that I would stop running... he probed again why I kept doing it?  The words evaded me. So here I am... still full of thoughts and fear. And wondering how so many are so strong as to express their feelings without fear, knowing it's my turn. And it may or may not go how I want, however, it won't go in any direction except to drive me crazy to hold it back...

Stay tuned as I spend the next days working up the courage to do the one thing that I am most afraid of... please someone, HOLD MY SHOES.... I am so tired of running...