Have you ever feared something so much... then tried it, and realized the fear was far worse then the reality, and you wonder why it took you so long?
So here I am... after 8 months of fearing something, fighting it, exhausting myself, stressing out people around me as I over thought, over stressed, debated, reasoned, obsessed about what to do, all because I was afraid to risk rejection...
It hit me like a ton of bricks a few weeks ago when it became clear that I have been living my dating life in the disguise of a Poker Player. Harsh but true... for years, I have entered various types of relationships with my hat tipped down, and straight face on... waiting patiently for my opponent to reveal their hand. Holding everything back until my opponent is completely exposed. Then swooping in for the win. It hurt to realize this... I have been approaching relationships from a Win - Lose perspective, and the way I wasn't going to Lose ever was by never laying a card first.
Oddly, CHRIS told me this 8 months ago... and I thought he was the crazy one who wasn't "emotionally available" or "vulnerable". Funny what they say about hindsight... This new analogy did open my eyes and a whole new set of behaviours. The only way I can move forward in my life is by playing my cards, and realizing relationships are Win - Win. Not a competition, but a collaboration. There is still something to gain from every relationship... even if it doesn't turn out the way you wanted. Sometime's the lesson doesn't appear until much later, but it is still a Win.
So I played a card... then I played another one... it got so easy, I laid my whole hand down. Yes, as mentioned I decided to finally be truthful with my feelings for CHRIS fully prepared to risk that I may not like the reaction. I asked the question I feared most... and you know what... I'm ok. But then what...?
I've gone from the safe harbour of the Poker Table, to standing completely naked in the middle of Times Square. At first it was the most uncomfortable feeling I could describe to anyone. Everything crossed my mind, from taking back my token promise and running shoes, and getting the heck out of dodge. Then I realized, sometimes, when you don't know what to do, and when it gets to be the most uncomfortable, that's when the true lesson is learned. So I stood still... exposed... uncertain... and suddenly, naturally all on it's own, things got more comfortable. CHRIS got in touch and asked to see me. Again, fearing the awkwardness, it took some effort and focus to go over. But... it was different this time. For the first time, I felt completely comfortable in his presence. I was finally wearing my own skin... the truth. And I realized I was strong enough to do that.
Don't get me wrong, I have my moments, but it took me 31 years to build this old behaviour, I can't expect it to change in a day. But with a little effort and a lot of support, I am making change happen. There are more hours in a day that I can own my nakedness, then question it.... progress :). I don't know what tomorrow holds, and I'm trying to keep that a surprise for once. Who'd have thought...
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