How uncomfortable...changing behaviours

Recently it's come to light that I'm a runner. Running from any situation that would make me vulnerable.  I know many of you reading this can relate. We've all been hurt, as Rhianna says "I've loved and I've lost". But as the saying goes you can't protect yourself from pain without protecting yourself from love. So here I am...I've made a promise to myself and to the someone in my life that I've run from most, I symbolically handed him my running shoes - a charm of course, engraved "Hold my shoes...".

Sadly, I realize that running has been a huge source of my own stress and discomfort in life. It's my way of avoiding the tough questions. But looking back, I've wasted far too much of my time avoiding the things that inevitably come about anyway. So I made a choice this past week. I made a choice to face things. To come clean about my feelings, to pull down my armour, put away my mask, plant my feet firmly on the floor, and do the one thing that scares me most... ask the questions that I've spent months trying to answer myself. Yep, months of wondering, stressing, fortune telling, mind reading. LOL.

So... the answer wasn't as clear cut as I wanted. But the lesson in here... now I must sit. I promised I wouldn't run. And if you've ever had to change a behaviour or try anything new, you are sitting there nodding at just how uncomfortable that feeling is. I shared how deeply my feelings for someone had grown, and how they had caused some of my erratic behaviour within a friendship and undefined casual relationship.  So here I stand... the feelings at this time are not mutual, but for the first time, I'm stuck between relieved and proud to have asked for what I needed, an answer, and to be able to accept that for today.  Although, I've promised not to run, and will now need to redefine the terms of a friendship.

Here I stand, completely exposed... naked. And for the first time in my life, I am going to work at being OK with that...  For the first time in my life, I am going to be ok with who I am, and have faith that this is enough :)

Stay tuned... keeping my feet on the ground.