Getting Stronger Every Day... Because the greatest risk in life, is to risk nothing at all...

Here I am, still standing completely exposed. The discomfort has eased slightly today... not sure if it was the praying I did and promise to myself to "let go".  Reflecting on what would have always been the easier choice, run!!  So here I am, and I've decided, I am going to look in the eye of fear and stare back... I am very aware I risk getting very hurt yet again. But living in the safety of my cocoon has not allowed me to let anyone in, to once again feel love, to feel anything really.

So I go back to the theme I blogged about months ago... being in the moment. Letting go of plans, letting go of questions and obsessing and analyzing. Trust me, I'm no expert. The more I listen to my friends share their own struggles, the more I see it in myself. I continue to paralyze myself and whomever I'm dating when I panic about "what's next". As my mother tells me, if you don't stop to enjoy the good moments, when the bad one's come you will feel worse for not appreciating the good ones.

That said, after a meeting with my Therapist, chats with many of my besties, I decided to take a calculated risk for the first time in a long time. I exposed myself to someone I've grown to care about earlier this week. The feelings were not on even playing grounds. But I have decided to stick with it, and this time, let it be... be in the moment, let go of expectation, risk pain, risk rejection. I know I can do this, and what won't kill me will definitely make me stronger. Everyday, I am getting stronger :).

Tonight I saw CHRIS. After exposing myself I feared the situation had gotten beyond uncomfortable and would likely just dissipate completely. I let it go, prayed on it, it was a tough and uncomfortable day. Sure enough a message came to get together this evening. I did it. Trust me I questioned the choice and was as far as in his parking garage when I still contemplated cancelling and going home. Then the little voice said, be in the moment. I had to let go of fear as I could not predict what would be. But I could also remember if I didn't like the situation, I had the choice to leave. So I stayed. The visit was more comfortable then it had been in months... there were no expectations, no awkwardness, and the recent events were not rehashed. Here I sit, smiling at myself for having survived what I might have once avoided completely.

I am stronger... I can do this...