My Kryptonite...

I had dinner with a girlfriend last night who was telling me about a repeat offender in her life. A popular theme in discussions with many of my single friends these days. That one person, your kryptonite. They hold an unexplainable magnetic force over you, you can’t resist. They have the power to rock you to the core. They can lift you and break you in the same moment. They are the text you can’t ignore no matter what you are doing or what has happened between you before. The one your gut tells you is all wrong, but your heart longs for. The one you love and hate in the same breath. They are everything you want, and everything you don’t want in one body. You are completely vulnerable to your kryptonite.

My girlfriend beat herself up for falling back into the feelings she once had with her repeat offender. Walking down the road she'd seen three times before, feeling ashamed, hurt, and upset all over again. In that moment, it occurred to me, and I had to admit to her honestly. Despite everything that has happened, and how badly I felt hurt by my own Kryptonite, I’m not sure I would have the strength to ignore this person if I heard from him again. At first I wondered if this was a flaw, a weakness.  I'm fortunate to be in a position that I know without a doubt I will not contact him again. I don’t know what the future holds. For the moment, it is not likely that I will have to worry about facing this situation. The truth is, I may always hold a soft spot and ache in my heart for the love that I felt for that person. 

I can’t beat myself up. My kryptonite pulled me in five times. I learned the same lesson over and over, and although I know the truth today, and I don't like it, that person will always have a place in my heart just not in my life.  To me, this is now a strength.  I can let go in love. They say true love is unconditional. Even if mine was not the kind movies are made of. We are not meant to be together, in fact, we are best far apart. That said, despite the hurt and anger I experienced toward him, the characteristics I would never respect in any person, he still holds a place in my heart and mind.  I somehow managed to love this person beyond all faults...

“Sometimes the strongest women are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors & fight battles that nobody knows about”

I can now admit with full clarity and honesty that he is my weakness. Knowing your weakest point is your strength. Living conscious of your weakspots can restore your power. You may not be able to resist your kryptonite, but knowing that is what this person is for you can help you make more conscious decisions about how to handle every choice you make in their presence. 

An Article that Says it All - Our Crystal Palace

I came across this article that I think hits all the key points in life, love and vulnerability. It certainly made me think of the opportunities in life that have come and gone. More importantly, of how I want to handle those that are yet to come... food for thought, I hope this moves you too! Enjoy :)

Our crystal palace ~ Seth Godin

Thanks to technology, (relative) peace and historic levels of prosperity, we've turned our culture into a crystal palace, a gleaming edifice that needs to be perfected and polished more than it is appreciated.

We waste our days whining over slight imperfections (the nuts in first class aren't warm, the subway isn't cool enough, the vaccine leaves a bump on our arm for two hours) instead of seeing the modern miracles all around us. That last thing that went horribly wrong, that ruined everything, that led to a spat or tears or reciminations--if you put it on a t-shirt and wore it in public, how would it feel? "My iPhone died in the middle of the 8th inning because my wife didn't charge it and I couldn't take a picture of the home run from our box seats!"

Worse, we're losing our ability to engage with situations that might not have outcomes shiny enough or risk-free enough to belong in the palace. By insulating ourselves from perceived risk, from people and places that might not like us, appreciate us or guarantee us a smooth ride, we spend our day in a prison we've built for ourself.

Shiny, but hardly nurturing.

So, we ban things from airplanes not because they are dangerous, but because they frighten us. We avoid writing, or sales calls, or inventing or performing or engaging not because we can't do it, but because it might not work. We don't interact with strange ideas, new cuisines or people who share different values because those interactions might make us uncomfortable...

Funny looking tomatoes, people who don't look like us, interactions where we might not get a yes...

Growth is messy and dangerous. Life is messy and dangerous. When we insist on a guarantee, an ever-increasing standard in everything we measure and a Hollywood ending, we get none of those.

Perfectly Imperfect...that's what makes us beautiful

I’m a total girl, and proud of it! The best part of dating is meeting a total stranger and getting the chance to truly explore who you really are. I had a laugh to myself tonight while texting a guy I’ve never met. I laughed to my friend Samantha and said, let’s see if I can scare him away in 10 texts. The truth was, I could care less if I did. I was just being me. Sometimes me is a little cliché, but I’m totally cool with it, so too bad.

I love a good chick flick! The hopeless romantic type where the guy always gets the girl. I jump out of my seat during intense scenes in a thriller, and yes, I cover my eyes during fight scenes or anything that involves pain. But I’m also that girl who will throw herself to the ground to catch the line drive, wipe out on my road bike and get back up to finish the last 25km. I’ll find the strength to build the desk that Staples suggests takes two to build. I bought my living room furniture for the man I haven’t yet met to cuddle me during movies on Sundays.

There are days the most beautiful pieces of clothing I own can’t make me feel beautiful, and days I feel sexiest in my flip flops and a baseball cap. I like nice cars, but don’t care if you have one, unless I get to drive it. I walked 11 stories in 4” heels and a dress during a fire alarm and emerged with a smile and slight glow to greet the fireman at the bottom on my way out for the night.

I’ve broken all the rules I’ve ever learned about life. I’ve loved too fast, played too hard to get. I’ve held out, I’ve gone too far.  I’ve tried too hard, and sometimes not enough. I’ve looked to hard, and other times closed my eyes to what was right in front of me. I’ve overthought, and acted without thinking. I’ve said the right things at the wrong times, and the wrong things at the right times. I’ve messed up, I’ve said I’m sorry. I’ve forgiven the unforgiveable, and probably done the unforgiveable along the way too.

I’ve been what everyone else wants, and I’ve been what I want too. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that I am perfectly imperfect, and I accept that.  You win some, you lose some. The only person that matters in the end, is you. Did you live by your own values, or someone else’s? Did you live your dream, or someone else’s? Are you doing what you want, or what someone else would approve of?

Live the life of your dreams.  Life is messy, that’s what makes it beautiful.

Make Some Space for YOU!

Today I woke up, made myself breakfast in bed, hit CrossFit, bought groceries, did three loads of laundry including bedding, cleaned the exterior floor ceiling windows that make up the entire back wall of my condo, cleaned the bathroom top to bottom, made plans for tonight, made myself lunch, and stopped long enough to reflect and realize… when you make space for yourself in life, it is simply amazing what can be accomplished. It’s exactly 3pm as I sit to write this, and that was a hell of a productive day. Oh, and there is more to come. I have plenty of time to sweep the floors, pain my nails, and sit out on the balcony to catch some sun, all before my friends arrive for an evening out in the city.

Life is short, so we are always reminded. It’s true. Yet, it is so easy to fill it up with things less meaningful – people who zap you of your energy, relationships that have no future, mind numbing activities that activities that keep us distracted  from our purpose.  I’m definitely the first one to say all things in moderation. In recent weeks, I’ve taken a backseat to be more of a passive participant and observer of my own life.  For a while I felt myself burning out, but couldn’t figure out for the life of me what was happening.

My life was so full. It was exactly as I wanted it to be. Except it wasn’t full with the things that actually mattered to ME. In fact, I’m not even convinced I knew what mattered to me anymore. I did it all, wined and dined with all kinds of different social circles, dated what felt like half of a small town, hosted parties, expanded my friendship circle… I was in. In on the coolest places, parties, and people. In recent months after taking on greater responsibility with work, settling into my new life in the city, and a few life disappointments, I decided it was time to STOP. Slow down. Reconnect with me.

All around me were people doing exactly what I was doing. So was I copying them or were they following my lead? Holding on to ridiculous and unhealthy relationships. Wasting precious moments on mind-numbing things that really only kept me away from moving toward my purpose.

Now I have the choice, to participate more or less in anything. To make decisions one day at a time, one activity at a time. To do the things I want to do. Well, truth is, I always did. I just never sat still long enough to check back in with myself and understand what those things were.  Make some space.  You will be amazed at what you find that fills it naturally. Fall in love with the life that was meant for you, not the one you build to please everyone else, or to avoid trying to figure out what it is that YOU want. Make space for new things to enter your life.

Reliving a Beautiful Goodbye...

Today I received a text from a girlfriend who ran into Jason (the first love of my life and greatest heartache) while travelling on business. They actually live in the same city which made the whole situation a bit uncanny.  But hey, I’ve always said there’s something to be said for timing. 

This is the first time since I last saw Jason, before he moved out west in April 2011, that any of my circle have had contact with him. Although he since moved back to the GTA, I have never seen him since. For a moment today, I had the chance to reflect.  Images of the last time I saw him were as clear as if It was happening again.

I sat on the island in the kitchen of my old place. In my white lulu lemon shorts and pink T-shirt that smelled like him. He had stopped by before leaving to drive out west (he was relocating).  We spent several hours together, more connected than ever in the year we’d known each other. We both bared our souls that night. Funny how much easier it is to be honest when you have nothing left to lose.  As he was saying goodbye, I couldn’t hold myself back any longer – the tears poured down my cheeks.

I’ll never forget the warmth that came from his beautiful blue eyes as he took my chin in his hand, gently wiped the tears from my cheek. He looked me in the eyes, and told me he believed I deserved better and that someday I would understand all of this.  He wrapped his arms around me lifting me off the counter and into his arms. I completely let go, my whole body shook as I sobbed into the side of his neck.  I’d never cried in front of him, and I didn’t care, I couldn’t hold it back.  I remember the song that was playing on the radio “Till now, I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone…” (Alyssa Reid, Alone Again).  The words made me angry, everything hurt. 

I know he was fighting back his own tears. After letting me go, he turned and left quickly. The last I remember of him was the side of his face as he disappeared into the hallway. I was completely numb. Although I wanted to believe with everything in me that he would come back, I knew in my heart that was the last time I would ever see him.

Today, as the whole scene played back in my head, the tears came just as they did that day, I realized something new. Although they are still painful, my tears today were of pure gratitude and love. Jason loved me. The truth did come out months later, when I was ready to hear it. In the end, I can only be grateful for the love I felt while he was in my life, and for the strength he had to do what was right for both of us.  Letting me go was a gift to me. My life was not cut out for the things he faced.   At the time, I could not see how that might have been best for me. Today, I would go through it all again even knowing it would end in the most painful goodbye I’ve ever had to say. 

Jason was a gift in my life. A person who was with me only for a season, who taught me much about what I wanted, and what I deserved.  But seasons change…  

Perhaps today was a chance to relive the memory change the perspective of it from one of hurt and sadness, to gratefulness and love.

LATEST ARTICLE: The Naked Truth: Finding Strength and Love in Vulnerability

Grateful and thrilled to have been published again today on ThePurpleFig.com  Check out my latest article about finding strength in vulnerability.

Sure heartache sucks, but knowing what it might feel like to love someone so much you wouldn't want to lose them is a pretty powerful thing.  Enjoy!

http://www.thepurplefig.com/the-naked-truth-finding-strength-and-love-in-vulnerability/

F$&% the rules... what's in your heart?

Today I’m irritated. These past few days my thoughts have been whirling around all the unwritten “rules” that seem to exist about dating and love.  I listen to women all around me dishing out advice, I’m guilty of the same. Articles, books, and seminars dedicated to the “how to’s” of dating and relationships, and worse “how to catch him”. Yet, if you’ve ever spoken to someone who has truly found love, they would simply tell you “you will just know”, “it will be easy”.

This brings me to a simple conclusion. F$%& the rules!  There is no right or wrong. There is no too soon, too fast/slow. The only rule that should exist in my mind is the one that says honour what is in your heart first.  How? Build your own life before you try to welcome another to it. If you are standing steady on your own two feet with a life that you are happy with, when you are enough with or without a partner in your life, you are ready for love. As much as you don’t want to hear this, you are also ready to survive potential heart break, you can’t have one without the risk of the other. If you always stand on the side lines, how will you ever know what you’re capable of?

At some point in my 32 year existence, I have done it all. Been the tough girl, sweet girl, crazy girl, confident girl, insecure girl. I played by the rules 1) don’t let him know how you feel too soon 2) play hard to get 3) find someone who loves you more 4) the list goes on, and on, and on…  I have also been the cliché 1) Fallen too fast 2) Loved him more than he loved me 3) made myself available at the drop of a hat 4) kept room in my schedule “just in case” 5) been the pleaser 6) shall I go on?

At the end of the day, the one thing I have learned – love might be the only thing in the world that is not so black and white. Rules don’t allow the kind of flexibility required.  Love is both the riskiest, most dangerous, truly satisfying, heart filling emotion in the world. Get fired, disqualified, unfriended, not hired, not picked for the team - you name it, it hurts the ego but such is life and another opportunity is around the world. Put your heart on the line, and there is risk of a whole different kind of ache. One that even the strongest would question their ability to survive.  But I have, and you can.

Build the kind of life you always dreamed of for yourself. Then protect it by following your heart. A life that is pretty awesome as it is will allow you the patience to wait for a person deserving enough to join your journey, and only add value to what you already have. It does not eliminate the risk of pain, but it ensures you will survive it. 

The choice is yours. You can play dating games, sit on the side lines, or settle for a consolation prize. Or you can let your heart lead you. Listen to your inner voice.  Love out loud. In every moment ask yourself what makes you happy, and do it!  Let go of the need to predict results.  Whatever the outcome, the next action is your choice anyway. The power is yours.

When I played the game, I sat in uncertain situations longer necessary  - I feared not getting what I wanted. Reality is, whether I asked the question after a month or a year, the answer was going to be the same. The hurt however was worse after so much time invested.

Far from perfect, the greatest lesson I learned is that what hurt me more than rejection was  betraying myself to follow the rules of society, and allowing fear of pain to keep me from speaking my truth.   Living in that uncertainty hurt more. Doing things I really didn’t want to do, hurt more. Feeling crazy on the inside and unable to express myself, hurt more. Unlearning how to freely express what I felt, hurt more.  Nothing in life is guaranteed. Walk in with the upside in mind, and know that whatever the outcome you CAN handle it. More importantly, what you do next, is your choice!  You have power over your life. Forget the rules. Love out loud.