Today I’m irritated. These past few days my thoughts have been
whirling around all the unwritten “rules” that seem to exist about dating and
love. I listen to women all around me
dishing out advice, I’m guilty of the same. Articles, books, and seminars
dedicated to the “how to’s” of dating and relationships, and worse “how to
catch him”. Yet, if you’ve ever spoken to someone who has truly found love,
they would simply tell you “you will just know”, “it will be easy”.
This brings me to a simple conclusion. F$%& the
rules! There is no right or wrong. There
is no too soon, too fast/slow. The only rule that should exist in my mind is
the one that says honour what is in your heart first. How? Build your own life before you try to
welcome another to it. If you are standing steady on your own two feet with a
life that you are happy with, when you are enough with or without a partner in
your life, you are ready for love. As much as you don’t want to hear this, you
are also ready to survive potential heart break, you can’t have one without the
risk of the other. If you always stand on the side lines, how will you ever
know what you’re capable of?
At some point in my 32 year existence, I have done it all.
Been the tough girl, sweet girl, crazy girl, confident girl, insecure girl. I
played by the rules 1) don’t let him know how you feel too soon 2) play hard to
get 3) find someone who loves you more 4) the list goes on, and on, and on… I have also been the cliché 1) Fallen too fast
2) Loved him more than he loved me 3) made myself available at the drop of a
hat 4) kept room in my schedule “just in case” 5) been the pleaser 6) shall I
go on?
At the end of the day, the one thing I have learned – love might
be the only thing in the world that is not so black and white. Rules don’t
allow the kind of flexibility required.
Love is both the riskiest, most dangerous, truly satisfying, heart
filling emotion in the world. Get fired, disqualified, unfriended, not hired,
not picked for the team - you name it, it hurts the ego but such is life and
another opportunity is around the world. Put your heart on the line, and there
is risk of a whole different kind of ache. One that even the strongest would
question their ability to survive. But I
have, and you can.
Build the kind of life you always dreamed of for yourself.
Then protect it by following your heart. A life that is pretty awesome as it is
will allow you the patience to wait for a person deserving enough to join your
journey, and only add value to what you already have. It does not eliminate the
risk of pain, but it ensures you will survive it.
The choice is yours. You can play dating games, sit on the
side lines, or settle for a consolation prize. Or you can let your heart lead
you. Listen to your inner voice. Love
out loud. In every moment ask yourself what makes you happy, and do it! Let go of the need to predict results. Whatever the outcome, the next action is your
choice anyway. The power is yours.
When I played the game, I sat in uncertain situations longer
necessary - I feared not getting what I
wanted. Reality is, whether I asked the question after a month or a year, the
answer was going to be the same. The hurt however was worse after so much time
invested.
Far from perfect, the greatest lesson I learned is that what
hurt me more than rejection was betraying
myself to follow the rules of society, and allowing fear of pain to keep me
from speaking my truth. Living in that
uncertainty hurt more. Doing things I really didn’t want to do, hurt more.
Feeling crazy on the inside and unable to express myself, hurt more. Unlearning
how to freely express what I felt, hurt more.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Walk in with the upside in mind, and know
that whatever the outcome you CAN handle it. More importantly, what you do
next, is your choice! You have power
over your life. Forget the rules. Love out loud.
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