Today I received a text from a girlfriend who ran into Jason
(the first love of my life and greatest heartache) while travelling on
business. They actually live in the same city which made the whole
situation a bit uncanny. But hey, I’ve
always said there’s something to be said for timing.
This is the first time since I last saw Jason, before he
moved out west in April 2011, that any of my circle have had contact with him. Although he since moved back to the GTA, I
have never seen him since. For a moment today, I had the chance to
reflect. Images of the last time I saw him were as clear as if It was happening again.
I sat on the island in the kitchen of my old place. In my
white lulu lemon shorts and pink T-shirt that smelled like him. He had stopped by before leaving to
drive out west (he was relocating). We
spent several hours together, more connected than ever in the year we’d known
each other. We both bared our souls that night. Funny how much easier it is to
be honest when you have nothing left to lose. As he was saying goodbye, I couldn’t hold myself
back any longer – the tears poured down my cheeks.
I’ll never forget the warmth that came from his beautiful
blue eyes as he took my chin in his hand, gently wiped the tears from my cheek. He looked me in the eyes, and told me he believed I deserved better and that someday
I would understand all of this. He
wrapped his arms around me lifting me off the counter and into his arms. I completely let go, my whole body shook as I
sobbed into the side of his neck. I’d
never cried in front of him, and I didn’t care, I couldn’t hold it back. I remember the song that was playing on the
radio “Till now, I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met
you. And now it chills me to the bone…” (Alyssa Reid, Alone Again). The words made me angry, everything hurt.
I know he was fighting back his own tears. After letting me go, he turned and left quickly. The last I remember of him was the side of his face as he
disappeared into the hallway. I was completely numb. Although I wanted to believe
with everything in me that he would come back, I knew in my heart that was the
last time I would ever see him.
Today, as the whole scene played back in my head, the
tears came just as they did that day, I realized something new. Although they are still painful, my tears today were of pure gratitude and love. Jason loved me. The truth
did come out months later, when I was ready to hear it. In the end, I can only
be grateful for the love I felt while he was in my life, and for the strength
he had to do what was right for both of us. Letting me go was a gift to me. My life was
not cut out for the things he faced. At
the time, I could not see how that might have been best for me. Today, I would
go through it all again even knowing it would end in the most painful goodbye I’ve
ever had to say.
Jason was a gift in my life. A person who was with me only for a season,
who taught me much about what I wanted, and what I deserved. But seasons change…
Perhaps today was a chance to relive the memory change
the perspective of it from one of hurt and sadness, to gratefulness and love.
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