In the years I’ve been consciously exploring the world of relationships and dating, I have always tried to see the lessons in the pain and the blessings in the joy. I have held in my heart the deepest level of hope for something great, and continued to spread the word both to encourage others and myself to never settle. The heart is a precious gift, filled with more love than can ever be given. Spreading love is a beautiful way to keep the heart open, and full. As one of my favourite quotes explains, you can only keep what you give away. Yet, I have also always believed in holding your heart for the one who truly deserves it, patiently living with hope that you will find someone special enough to deserve it.
My admission to you, I continued to write about hope and faith for years as a way to grow and restore my own. Through ups and downs, I’ve had my moments like so many of you. Afraid, hurt, empty. I’ve also been blessed to know the other side, love, inspiration, connection. I have spent the past five years of my life hoping to find and continue to believe in a source of love. I have faced much criticism and in some cases have questioned my own belief in the one thing I crave most, a love of the deepest kind.
I have been told my expectations were too high. Reminded that no one is perfect. Suggested I’m looking for the impossible. I continued wish for the kind of love I only dreamed of. I made a list in my heart of what I wanted to feel, what the perfect relationship could look like. I made a big ask of the Universe, and then I remained hopeful.
I dated, I laughed, I cried, I fell, I learned, I loved, I hurt. In the end, I looked to what each person taught me about myself. I had times I wanted to quit. Times I was excited for whatever might lay around the corner. I explored a few relationships that didn’t sustain me. I settled at times on distractions to keep myself reminded of what was possible, but mostly I continued to learn what I didn’t want.
Then… about a month ago, someone incredible walked into my life. Whether it is for now or forever, this man has already shown me that if you ask, and believe, it can happen. I need to be honest with you, sometimes, getting everything you ever wanted is harder than settling for things you never deserved. It is an incredible yet terrifying experience.
I met a man who over the course of several dates has delivered everything I have asked the universe for. Kindness, warmth, strength, vulnerability, generosity of spirit, depth, emotion, sensitivity, patience, thoughtfulness, chivalry, romance, love. All of the pieces I have written about these past few years.
As if to prove all “cliche’s” correct, this man has certainly shown me without a shadow of a doubt why none of the other relationships worked out. I assumed after writing about it, thinking about it, and talking about it for so long, it would be a simple thing to fall in love again. To meet someone who’s happiness was as important to me as my own. What I have discovered, is no matter how much work I have done to prepare for it and understand it, there is nothing in the world scarier than true vulnerability.
After a number of the most perfect dates, hours upon hours of conversation, I found myself subconsciously fighting not to let myself fall for this person. Then it happened. He laid his heart on the table, and made one ask, “don’t break my heart.” After that, he continued to stand before me, showing up day after day while I chewed on the thought of letting go. I felt all uncertainty, the fear. I was afraid that I might break his heart, and wondered if I should pull away. I have had a history of running when my heart was on the line. I, like him, did not want my heart broken either. I sat with his words. He never pressed me for an answer. He continued to show up, being the same person he was from the moment I met him. Open, honest, and vulnerable. He now stood emotionally naked before me. He told me outright, he was looking for long term. He had said everything to me I had been quietly asking the world for. Yet, I was frozen. I had no words. I could only tell him, I didn’t want to run.
I mustered up the courage to tell him I was scared. I didn’t have the answers. I only knew that the more time I spent with him, the more time I craved. The weight of fear lightened. I told him I was overwhelmed and digesting all that had happened, all that he was, that all that I’d dreamed of was standing before me, and it was going to take me time to accept it. He accepted my answer, and in that moment, I felt my heart open even further than ever before…
I have no idea what the future holds. I can only say, today, I understand and accept everything that has happened in my life until this point. Now I have but one responsibility, to accept all the wonderful things I asked for…
He asked me, “where have you been all my life?” I replied, “Geting ready…” He smiled.
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