With spring comes so much change. Have you ever felt a bit stuck at the change of seasons? Something as simple as how you dress becomes a whole new thought process.
Life change is certainly not new to anyone. Whether it’s in your career, family life, marital status, dating situation, life… Just as you settle into getting comfortable at anything it seems to change. It is both awesome and at the same time difficult. We are forced to remain dynamic as people. Or, alternatively battle our way through by not changing. Again, our choice.
Amidst a lot of change both in seasons and in life, I found myself off balance and a bit out of sorts lately. While I have made great strides toward personal growth these past few years in my life, I caught myself leaning on some old behaviours, and unwilling to acknowledge all of the change going on around me. From change in my career, leadership, various friendship cycles, and some new relationships, it’s been a lot to digest.
Just like a new season, every day offers each of us an opportunity for a new beginning. However, carrying yesterdays woes into today really threatens the ability to capture that opportunity. Just the same as carrying old baggage into new relationships, and old wounds forward in existing friendships. It’s easy to do in life. As much as I love change, I hate it to. I struggle as much as anyone with the idea of being uncomfortable in the unknown. Just as we mastered our domain and became comfortable with it, we reach a point in our journey where it all looks different again. We could fight it, and choose to remain who we are, or embrace it as an opportunity to practice what we’ve learned.
I once ran into my former softball coach during my first season of golf. I was pretrified when I saw him marshalling the hole I was about to tee off on. I knew I had about a 30% chance of actually hitting a remotely decent shot - by decent, I mean actually getting the ball off the tee in the area and more than 10 yards in front of me! I stalled hoping he wouldn’t recognize me, and maybe even leave to go to another hole. When I ran out of excuses, I hit the ball. A brutal shot. I was embarrassed, and a bit pissed. We had no choice after that but to walk by his golf cart on our way down the fairway. I tried to avoid his stare, oh he knew it was me. He rode his cart right up to me, there was no way out of it. After a bit of chat, I told him how embarrassed I was to hit the shot. He then asked me how long I had played softball. I didn’t see the point of his question, but told him 20+ years. He smiled, “It took you more than 20 years to reach an elite level in softball, what makes you think you can pick up a golf club and start where you left off in softball? Give yourself a chance!” My coach was right. It was an eye opener for me.
With few exceptions, there is nothing in life we just pick up at a masters level. Whether it’s a new job, a new relationship, a friendship, a sport, a hobby, a school subject. Every thing we are good at in life today, we at some point started at the beginning.
Today, I felt myself collapse into my own discomfort. In a very short span of time, 4 years, my entire life has changed. Every single aspect. At the root of it, I have changed. I am nothing like the person I used to be. For a while now I have been feeling great about the strides I have made. Then was hit with even more change. To find comfort in the uncomfortable, I have leaned on a few old survival mechanisms to get around some situations.
One in particular, with a person who has meant a lot to me in my life. Cornered by a situation I failed to communicate, I carried baggage forward. My friend did the same. In a heartfelt and emotional exchange, we fought an old demon with a new approach. More over, I used vulnerability to actually make myself comfortable. I told this person my fear, my discomfort and my hurt. In turn, they responded with the same. This strengthened the foundation on which we could rebuild our relationship. In the moment, it was horribly uncomfortable, upsetting and terrifying to be so honest and open about how I felt about things. Now, the discomfort has passed, and I realize the strength that came from both of us to go there. I grew again.
Vulnerability is not something I knew a little more than 4 years ago. I protected my weaknesses so they could not be used against me. I guarded my heart and my life by putting on a brave face and fighting to keep all of those demons on the inside. In the end, the demons were winning, I hid my weaknesses behind a smile. But until I could acknowledge them myself, how could I begin to work on them?
Getting honest with myself and with those in my life has taken me a long time. Most days and most situations it now comes effortlessly to me. But there are days and situations (especially my most intimate and heart felt relationships) that I have to work really hard at it. I have to remember that I practices not being vulnerable for more than 25 years of my life. I can’t expect myself to be as much of a pro at being vulnerable, as I did at wearing my poker face.
“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” ~Criss Jami
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