Sometime's there are no limits to what we're willing to try just to find understanding...
At the end of my rope, I finally went to visit this Spiritualist I've mentioned. The meeting lasted 2 hours, based around my needs and questions. What came back to me was shocking... enlightening, and overwhelming. I have spent the past year meeting with various type of Support Groups, and therapists, sponsors and friends, reading and googling, trying to understand myself, love, and why things have been seemingly so difficult. I'm sure I'm not alone in this quest for answers...
What came back to me was the shockingly simple truth. One that I believe I have known all along but refused to accept. But here I was with more facts than I could possibly wrap my little head around :). I opted for a card reading, in my quest for guidance and understanding. The spiritualist was able to help me identify a few things - she saw me with sore knees as though I'd been praying that my relationships would not end in trajedy (like heartbreak or disaster) - I had not spoken of JASON yet. She saw a butterfly - symbolic of growth and learning. This seemed to be the pinnacle of the time spent with CHRIS. The things she saw were easily explainable by so many things in my life. Things I knew I had faced, and felt I had dealt with.
It became increasingly clear... all this time I believed those around me were the ones who were Emotionally Unavailable... and whether they were or weren't was completely irrelevant. I have been that person. I have continued to steer relationships and dating in various directions to keep myself safe out of the buried fear of ever feeling the deep hurt I endured last year over JASON, and over some incidents that go back to my childhood. And there it was... I was shocked. The answer my friends, came down to ME. The common denominator in all of my challenged relationships... me.
I have wanted to be open and hopeful and faithful, and I had glimpses of brief periods where I was. The second I sensed a risk, I shut down, blocked out, went back into survival mode... no wonder the universe couldn't give me the things I had been wanting. I was afraid of them, and resisting them at every opportunity.
A little sad and deflated, I wondered how long now to fix all of this again. The Spiritualist smiled, and said, from today forward, your actions will clear up anything. The people that are in your life and meant to be already understand. Stop worrying about what others think, start asking what you need right now. Be in this moment. The future is not real. You only have NOW. Be here now... live your life using words and actions of love, and that is what you will attract. Fear just leads to anger, resentment, and resistance. It leaves you closed to all the wonderful things that await you.
It all makes sense... in the moments I have just "lived", amazing things have come my way. In the moments I've tried to create life, good things have always been at a distance. So to bring openness and love back into my life, I am working again to focus on providing the things I want. Not looking to others to do that for me. I am happy with myself, I just need to continue to appreciate that.
So tonight, I bought myself a dozen red roses :)... what girl doesn't love herself some roses...
Friday, 27 April 2012
A lonely heart on the road...
After spending 10 days in California, and lots of time reflecting and trying to really listen to myself despite all the noise in the world, I went on hiatus.
Before I left for California, I was in this ultra elated mood. One I couldn't explain. I met someone from a spiritual practice who shared with me that it was my spirit sensing good things coming into my life. There was even the speculation of me meeting someone on this trip. But in the back of my mind before I even boarded the airplane arose questions about someone that continues to pop into my life. I sent a note from the airport to this Spiritualist about this situation plaguing my mind, the message that came back "Patience".
After about 5 days in Cali, I hit one of those lonely walls. I love what I do, I love that I get to travel, and I love that I have no fear or discomfort in doing that - anytime, anywhere. Yet here I was, in San Francisco - the weather was perfect, my Best Friend lives in the city, and I began to feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I kept working to keep myself in the moment, and truly enjoyed every last minute of time with my best friend. Along came the powerful, dreaded and emotional moment of goodbye. There we stood in the street in front of the Four Seasons Hotel. The taxi driver piled my luggage into the back of the cab, while she and I stood sobbing and hugging in the street. I was torn between desperately needing to get home, and the pain of leaving the person who knew me best behind once again. On the way to the airport the taxi driver asked if we were sisters, my only reply "she's the sister I got to choose". He smiled, and said he doesn't often get to see that level of emotion, and it touched him. As heavy as my heart felt in that moment, I smiled... I had learned to finally love through pain. A year prior, I believed holding the tears back was my strength. Really... it was how I avoided really feeling anything.
Upon arriving home, I was sleepless in Ontario... quickly pointing to jet lag made it easily justified. I had booked Monday off, so the sleepless Sunday night was ok. Monday was a day filled with errands and sleepiness. Normally an upbeat and energetic person, I actually found myself amused at how grumpy I was, and relieved that I had scheduled the day away from people. My mom came to visit, and surprised me with a bouquet of flowers, this naturally warmed my heart and reminded me how much I have to be grateful for. I cancelled plans to hit the gym and prioritized Candle Light Hot Yoga into my evening. Feeling like a million bucks, relieved, relaxed and quiet in mind, I crawled into bed and fell asleep quickly.
I awoke an hour later and discovered a message on my phone from none other than CHRIS. Who just keeps popping up. I decided I would ignore this message and return to sleep. But now I was emotionally hijacked, wondering what on earth he wanted at this hour. A little angry that I could not get back to sleep I finally replied hoping he had fallen asleep. Nope... a quick reply back. He was wide awake and travelling looking for my help. Within a few minutes he said good night, and there I lay... watching the clock until 3am before I fell back asleep. With a total of 3.5 hours of sleep under my belt, I awoke to making back to back Presentation at work, while trying to sort out favours to help CHRIS who was travelling.
Completely frustrated by the end of the day, I once again contacted the Spirtualist - who once again sent the message "Patience, Please!". She too was shocked the same message came up. I scheduled a time to meet. My mind was filled with questions and I was struggling to get through my days. When I finally met with her, the only thing on my mind was why won't this person leave my life??? The realizations that came back to me were shocking... and just as I've communicated, and as I've known all along, the problem is me. I am the only one I am responsible for... the problem I am having is me.
Before I left for California, I was in this ultra elated mood. One I couldn't explain. I met someone from a spiritual practice who shared with me that it was my spirit sensing good things coming into my life. There was even the speculation of me meeting someone on this trip. But in the back of my mind before I even boarded the airplane arose questions about someone that continues to pop into my life. I sent a note from the airport to this Spiritualist about this situation plaguing my mind, the message that came back "Patience".
After about 5 days in Cali, I hit one of those lonely walls. I love what I do, I love that I get to travel, and I love that I have no fear or discomfort in doing that - anytime, anywhere. Yet here I was, in San Francisco - the weather was perfect, my Best Friend lives in the city, and I began to feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I kept working to keep myself in the moment, and truly enjoyed every last minute of time with my best friend. Along came the powerful, dreaded and emotional moment of goodbye. There we stood in the street in front of the Four Seasons Hotel. The taxi driver piled my luggage into the back of the cab, while she and I stood sobbing and hugging in the street. I was torn between desperately needing to get home, and the pain of leaving the person who knew me best behind once again. On the way to the airport the taxi driver asked if we were sisters, my only reply "she's the sister I got to choose". He smiled, and said he doesn't often get to see that level of emotion, and it touched him. As heavy as my heart felt in that moment, I smiled... I had learned to finally love through pain. A year prior, I believed holding the tears back was my strength. Really... it was how I avoided really feeling anything.
Upon arriving home, I was sleepless in Ontario... quickly pointing to jet lag made it easily justified. I had booked Monday off, so the sleepless Sunday night was ok. Monday was a day filled with errands and sleepiness. Normally an upbeat and energetic person, I actually found myself amused at how grumpy I was, and relieved that I had scheduled the day away from people. My mom came to visit, and surprised me with a bouquet of flowers, this naturally warmed my heart and reminded me how much I have to be grateful for. I cancelled plans to hit the gym and prioritized Candle Light Hot Yoga into my evening. Feeling like a million bucks, relieved, relaxed and quiet in mind, I crawled into bed and fell asleep quickly.
I awoke an hour later and discovered a message on my phone from none other than CHRIS. Who just keeps popping up. I decided I would ignore this message and return to sleep. But now I was emotionally hijacked, wondering what on earth he wanted at this hour. A little angry that I could not get back to sleep I finally replied hoping he had fallen asleep. Nope... a quick reply back. He was wide awake and travelling looking for my help. Within a few minutes he said good night, and there I lay... watching the clock until 3am before I fell back asleep. With a total of 3.5 hours of sleep under my belt, I awoke to making back to back Presentation at work, while trying to sort out favours to help CHRIS who was travelling.
Completely frustrated by the end of the day, I once again contacted the Spirtualist - who once again sent the message "Patience, Please!". She too was shocked the same message came up. I scheduled a time to meet. My mind was filled with questions and I was struggling to get through my days. When I finally met with her, the only thing on my mind was why won't this person leave my life??? The realizations that came back to me were shocking... and just as I've communicated, and as I've known all along, the problem is me. I am the only one I am responsible for... the problem I am having is me.
Monday, 16 April 2012
Triggers...
Here I am, sitting alone in my hotel room in San Francisco, California. I flew out here on Friday, what can I say, I have a great job that allows me to travel. My childhood best friend in the world lives here, and what can I say, I love the West Coast. Life is pretty great ;)
Being single has afforded me many opportunities to take advantage of the chance to travel and really get out into this world. I realize I am extremely privileged to get out and see most of North America on company budget, and I have taken full advantage of it. Sharing my adventures online through Facebook etc... has truly served to remind me how lucky I am as friends and family come along on the journey with me.
And yet, as much as I love this world, and consider all of North America my home... travel can be both me really living, and me really struggling. It can be a real trigger for loneliness. Not that I want to sit here and throw myself a pity party. LOL There is nothing uber sexy about sitting alone in a hotel room at night. Here I sit, and half of me is thrilled to be somewhere amazing in this world, and the other half wishes I had someone to share this city and experience with.
It does serve to remind me that we all have our triggers. I have had several weeks of amazing happiness, love, support and true living. But we all have our days. As I've heard from friends in recent weeks who have had their moments, I too am having my own. The only difference between me today and me 3 months ago, is that I am so acutely aware of my triggers, and more faithful in knowing that "this too shall pass..."
In the meantime, I am grateful to the friends who reach out, and encourage you to reach out to friends not just when you need them, but even just a hello. The handful of friends that I heard from at random today have certainly lifted my spirits and made the lonely world of business travel, just a little less lonely today...
Being single has afforded me many opportunities to take advantage of the chance to travel and really get out into this world. I realize I am extremely privileged to get out and see most of North America on company budget, and I have taken full advantage of it. Sharing my adventures online through Facebook etc... has truly served to remind me how lucky I am as friends and family come along on the journey with me.
And yet, as much as I love this world, and consider all of North America my home... travel can be both me really living, and me really struggling. It can be a real trigger for loneliness. Not that I want to sit here and throw myself a pity party. LOL There is nothing uber sexy about sitting alone in a hotel room at night. Here I sit, and half of me is thrilled to be somewhere amazing in this world, and the other half wishes I had someone to share this city and experience with.
It does serve to remind me that we all have our triggers. I have had several weeks of amazing happiness, love, support and true living. But we all have our days. As I've heard from friends in recent weeks who have had their moments, I too am having my own. The only difference between me today and me 3 months ago, is that I am so acutely aware of my triggers, and more faithful in knowing that "this too shall pass..."
In the meantime, I am grateful to the friends who reach out, and encourage you to reach out to friends not just when you need them, but even just a hello. The handful of friends that I heard from at random today have certainly lifted my spirits and made the lonely world of business travel, just a little less lonely today...
Monday, 9 April 2012
The Houdini... Online Dating is a game changer!
Update as I've had a few ask. Kevin... the "perfect date"... pulled a houdini! Yup, nada. Gone. Such is life, it's kind of funny at the end of the day. Again I question, can online dating really be fruitful?
Has the face of dating truly changed? I have to wonder. One of the most popular posts I ever wrote was "Online Dating, can it be organic?". The world of online dating is a far cry from anything generations before us likely experienced. Unlike when we were in highschool or in our younger years, we typically started to like someone we already kind of knew... it grew into something more, and we would continue to explore that until it blossomed or faltered. These days, those of us who have ventured online would likely tell you - people date many, sometimes it goes somewhere, sometimes it never had a chance. At the end it's both amusing and annoying.
Yes, I'm an online dating skeptic... even though I have once again dabbled in the realm again. I seriously find it difficult to truly get to know someone in such an unnatural way. I mean, realistically, when you come together through a website, there is already some level of expectation - you sure didn't log on to make friends.... or maybe you did. But beyond that, how do you invest in getting to know someone when there are a million someone's knocking on your door. I suppose it is ideal for those with an appetite for serial dating, and the overwhelmingly growing population of emotionally unavailable people. I really start to question when someone says they've gone online to meet someone because they don't have the time in every day life to meet people otherwise.
I guess, I'm not really sure why I am online. I truly believe that serendipity exists. Whether your life is busy or not, there is always an opportunity to meet someone... whether it's in line at the Grocery Store, at an airport, anywhere really... unless you work from home full time and never go out, human interraction is almost inevitable :) thank goodness! LOL
As far as the people I've met online... there are a few nice one's no doubt. But I can also argue that anyone can write a great profile!
In a flash update, here's the latest from the online dating ventures:
I'm more convinced then ever that Aaron is a workaholic, and have concluded 100% that it is going no where. Kevin pulled a houdini, I guess I was the only one who enjoyed that date! LOL. I met another person last week, with whom I've only been texting - Reece - but again, I have zero expectations.
On a more entertaining note... I ran into someone in my Yoga Studio who concentrates on spiritual guidance. This person believes my upcoming trip to the West Coast may see a different opportunity come my way...
So where does that leave me? Utterly and completely fascinated, amused and literally still standing in the same place curious to see how life will unfold... will it be online or serendipity! I think I'm finally enjoying the mystery in life...
Has the face of dating truly changed? I have to wonder. One of the most popular posts I ever wrote was "Online Dating, can it be organic?". The world of online dating is a far cry from anything generations before us likely experienced. Unlike when we were in highschool or in our younger years, we typically started to like someone we already kind of knew... it grew into something more, and we would continue to explore that until it blossomed or faltered. These days, those of us who have ventured online would likely tell you - people date many, sometimes it goes somewhere, sometimes it never had a chance. At the end it's both amusing and annoying.
Yes, I'm an online dating skeptic... even though I have once again dabbled in the realm again. I seriously find it difficult to truly get to know someone in such an unnatural way. I mean, realistically, when you come together through a website, there is already some level of expectation - you sure didn't log on to make friends.... or maybe you did. But beyond that, how do you invest in getting to know someone when there are a million someone's knocking on your door. I suppose it is ideal for those with an appetite for serial dating, and the overwhelmingly growing population of emotionally unavailable people. I really start to question when someone says they've gone online to meet someone because they don't have the time in every day life to meet people otherwise.
I guess, I'm not really sure why I am online. I truly believe that serendipity exists. Whether your life is busy or not, there is always an opportunity to meet someone... whether it's in line at the Grocery Store, at an airport, anywhere really... unless you work from home full time and never go out, human interraction is almost inevitable :) thank goodness! LOL
As far as the people I've met online... there are a few nice one's no doubt. But I can also argue that anyone can write a great profile!
In a flash update, here's the latest from the online dating ventures:
I'm more convinced then ever that Aaron is a workaholic, and have concluded 100% that it is going no where. Kevin pulled a houdini, I guess I was the only one who enjoyed that date! LOL. I met another person last week, with whom I've only been texting - Reece - but again, I have zero expectations.
On a more entertaining note... I ran into someone in my Yoga Studio who concentrates on spiritual guidance. This person believes my upcoming trip to the West Coast may see a different opportunity come my way...
So where does that leave me? Utterly and completely fascinated, amused and literally still standing in the same place curious to see how life will unfold... will it be online or serendipity! I think I'm finally enjoying the mystery in life...
Sunday, 8 April 2012
You say it... but do you believe your own words?
Over the past two years, I have said many things, convinced that's how I felt, what I believed, what I wanted. Funny... looking back today, I realize I never really believed my words, I just wanted to. But, that's ok... sometimes when you get stuck, you have to "fake it to make it" or say it until you believe it. In speaking to friends, especially ones who are "stuck", sitting in the middle of their own storm, looking out and saying "I know what you're telling me, but how do I do it???".
There is no worse feeling than knowing you need to change something, and not knowing how. It's the world we live in, it's who we are. We are raised to "solve problems", "control situations", "follow directions". So many things that leave us more confused, frustrated and hopeless at times. Yet, when you have walked through it, you are that one on the other side telling someone "it will just happen", "you will get there", all the words you hated to hear when you didn't believe... when you were stuck in your own storm and couldn't see the way out of it.
On this beautiful day in South Western Ontario, I had the opportunity to take a long walk with a girlfriend, enjoying the outdoors, sharing our experiences and hope, and clearing our heads and hearts. I found myself again sharing my own life and love lessons. Funny how you already know so many things, but you just need to keep hearing them... something that came out of my mouth before I could even digest it "know that you are where you are supposed to be. In this moment, there is a lesson. You just may not figure out what that lesson was today or for a long time...". That is the piece of hope I give myself in a bad moment. Before I said it, but I never believed it. In hindsight, my lesson is that over a period of reminding myself of all the things I know, taking in all the lessons I've learned and continue to learn, today I can look back and honestly admit I said alot of things I never believed. The difference between how I feel today about knowing them and how I did is that today, I believe! And it feels amazing!!!
There is no worse feeling than knowing you need to change something, and not knowing how. It's the world we live in, it's who we are. We are raised to "solve problems", "control situations", "follow directions". So many things that leave us more confused, frustrated and hopeless at times. Yet, when you have walked through it, you are that one on the other side telling someone "it will just happen", "you will get there", all the words you hated to hear when you didn't believe... when you were stuck in your own storm and couldn't see the way out of it.
On this beautiful day in South Western Ontario, I had the opportunity to take a long walk with a girlfriend, enjoying the outdoors, sharing our experiences and hope, and clearing our heads and hearts. I found myself again sharing my own life and love lessons. Funny how you already know so many things, but you just need to keep hearing them... something that came out of my mouth before I could even digest it "know that you are where you are supposed to be. In this moment, there is a lesson. You just may not figure out what that lesson was today or for a long time...". That is the piece of hope I give myself in a bad moment. Before I said it, but I never believed it. In hindsight, my lesson is that over a period of reminding myself of all the things I know, taking in all the lessons I've learned and continue to learn, today I can look back and honestly admit I said alot of things I never believed. The difference between how I feel today about knowing them and how I did is that today, I believe! And it feels amazing!!!
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Isn't She Beautiful....
As you know, I've been on this big kick of inward reflection and balance. I cannot even begin to describe how good I feel today. As much as I hate looking back, in a moment where I feel this good, I like to take the slightest peek into the rearview mirror, not to rehache or remind myself of pain or the past, but to simply remind myself how far I've come. Not every day is perfect, but I am learning that the key to my happiness has nothing to do with the things that are happening, but rather the perspective I am choosing to look at them from.
Today was an incredible day... and oddly, just like everything Yoga and some of the reading I have been doing has taught me, there is something real to be said about the Law of Attraction. You will attract into your life what you are... Here I am finding myself at the end of the day saying "Pinch me, I must be dreaming...", but wait, I'm not! This is all real. Good things are flowing into my life.
I had a conversation with a friend tonight, who is facing a very difficult time. One that draws my heart and mind back to my own struggle early last year. Days when I thought the pain would never end. The loneliness, the helplessness, a million barriers preventing my happiness. How lucky am I to have had a friend who laid out the tough truth for me... he simply said "you are not dateable". It hit me like a ton of bricks at that time. I was shocked, offended, defensive. He went on to tell me I needed to love myself first. I felt angry with him, like he wasn't understanding me... And here I sit today, sharing that very story with a girlfriend who is feeling that very same pain. The only difference between me today, and me one year ago, is that I love me more today... I continue to spend time focused on me, my needs, and what makes me happy. I am working to remove the excuses that easily come to mind when I want to complain about why I'm not happy about something, and instead think about the situation in a different light, and believe that anything is possible.
It is this thinking, the law of attraction, when you believe it, it will happen. When you let go and find happiness, you open yourself up to the many wonderful gifts that life is waiting to give you. They may not be what you "want" but they will be what you "need" today. So let go of the what if's and fears that hold you back. Today I am unafraid, I am curious, I am hopeful and I am happy. Sure, I am still single, my dating experiences have been nothing more than shameful, laughable, humourous, horrible and at times sad... yet here I am... smiling. Life is good. Today a host of other opportunities flowed into my life, albeit it none of those things were "the man of my dreams" LOL, but they are definitely opportunities and gifts that make my life full, rich and so very appreciated :).
Today, the song "Beautiful" by Hedley is my inspiration. Check it out... believe that there is someone out there who will believe that about you when you believe it about yourself.
Today was an incredible day... and oddly, just like everything Yoga and some of the reading I have been doing has taught me, there is something real to be said about the Law of Attraction. You will attract into your life what you are... Here I am finding myself at the end of the day saying "Pinch me, I must be dreaming...", but wait, I'm not! This is all real. Good things are flowing into my life.
I had a conversation with a friend tonight, who is facing a very difficult time. One that draws my heart and mind back to my own struggle early last year. Days when I thought the pain would never end. The loneliness, the helplessness, a million barriers preventing my happiness. How lucky am I to have had a friend who laid out the tough truth for me... he simply said "you are not dateable". It hit me like a ton of bricks at that time. I was shocked, offended, defensive. He went on to tell me I needed to love myself first. I felt angry with him, like he wasn't understanding me... And here I sit today, sharing that very story with a girlfriend who is feeling that very same pain. The only difference between me today, and me one year ago, is that I love me more today... I continue to spend time focused on me, my needs, and what makes me happy. I am working to remove the excuses that easily come to mind when I want to complain about why I'm not happy about something, and instead think about the situation in a different light, and believe that anything is possible.
It is this thinking, the law of attraction, when you believe it, it will happen. When you let go and find happiness, you open yourself up to the many wonderful gifts that life is waiting to give you. They may not be what you "want" but they will be what you "need" today. So let go of the what if's and fears that hold you back. Today I am unafraid, I am curious, I am hopeful and I am happy. Sure, I am still single, my dating experiences have been nothing more than shameful, laughable, humourous, horrible and at times sad... yet here I am... smiling. Life is good. Today a host of other opportunities flowed into my life, albeit it none of those things were "the man of my dreams" LOL, but they are definitely opportunities and gifts that make my life full, rich and so very appreciated :).
Today, the song "Beautiful" by Hedley is my inspiration. Check it out... believe that there is someone out there who will believe that about you when you believe it about yourself.
"Isn't she beautiful....Make you laugh, she'll make you listen
Nothing's broke and nothing's missin'... Isn't she everything thing you need"
Monday, 2 April 2012
The Proof is in my own past... An a-ha moment!!!
Like most women, and I hope there are men out there as well who feel this way, when I see potential in a guy, I have a hard time dismissing the idea without fully wrapping my head around all of it. That silly old thing called fear I suppose... fear that I won't get the chance to explore that little something that has captured my attention.
Funny, when a friend shares with me their struggles in a relationship or with letting go of one, I feel at ease telling them to let it go, let it be, and have faith. Yet, at times, I can't seem to follow my own advice. While driving home tonight, reflecting on recent events. I tried to think of people I knew who's relationship may have done a stop-start... ie. they met, but things didn't really come together until much later. Then I looked back to my own relationships and wondered if I had ever really been friends with anyone first.
AND IT HIT ME!!! It happened to me...The man I married "SCOTT", I had met one year in the winter months, on the break up of a my first serious boyfriend. Scott and I took an immediate interest in each other upon meeting at an event. We exchanged email addresses, and later phone numbers. He lived over an hour away. After about a month of communication, he suddenly disappeared... I left it be. Although he never left my mind. My ex-boyfriend came back into the picture a few weeks later. We dated for about a month or so and it became clear this was not a good relationship. I once again ended this relationship. A month later, Scott was in town at another event, again on the heals of ending the relationship with the same ex again. This time, it worked out... We began speaking and seeing each other regularly. Eventually driving cross country together to attend an event, and things grew from there.
Don't get me wrong, in the end, my marriage did not work out. But it did end amicably, and I believe whole-heartedly that Scott was meant to be a part of my life - and we shared 10 years together. Filled with many ups and downs, mistakes made and lessons learned (thank you Adele). But at the end of the day, there was nothing I could have done to create the circumstances or explain the way Scott came into and out of my life at just the right times. But this does clearly prove, even to me - a tough critic - if it's meant to be it will.
So here I am again. Trying to start fresh, on the brink of ending things with Aaron, on the beginning of having met Kevin, and exploring dating from yet another perspective... and I am fearful. So you start with a great date, that's the easy part... then what? The stress of will he call, should I call... on and on the games go. With a step back, and the support of close friends who know me and my silly behaviours, I realize that once again, this is a leap of faith. I have to let go, and trust that all of these situations will work out the way they were meant to. And in most cases, for the best if I let them work themselves out.
We don't always have to be involved, or make things happen. In the moments that I am able to let it go, I am happy and faithful and everything about what I am doing is more truly representative of me :)
So, I'm off to Hot Yoga to cleanse my mind of these thoughts, and try to let this go...
Stay tuned :)
Funny, when a friend shares with me their struggles in a relationship or with letting go of one, I feel at ease telling them to let it go, let it be, and have faith. Yet, at times, I can't seem to follow my own advice. While driving home tonight, reflecting on recent events. I tried to think of people I knew who's relationship may have done a stop-start... ie. they met, but things didn't really come together until much later. Then I looked back to my own relationships and wondered if I had ever really been friends with anyone first.
AND IT HIT ME!!! It happened to me...The man I married "SCOTT", I had met one year in the winter months, on the break up of a my first serious boyfriend. Scott and I took an immediate interest in each other upon meeting at an event. We exchanged email addresses, and later phone numbers. He lived over an hour away. After about a month of communication, he suddenly disappeared... I left it be. Although he never left my mind. My ex-boyfriend came back into the picture a few weeks later. We dated for about a month or so and it became clear this was not a good relationship. I once again ended this relationship. A month later, Scott was in town at another event, again on the heals of ending the relationship with the same ex again. This time, it worked out... We began speaking and seeing each other regularly. Eventually driving cross country together to attend an event, and things grew from there.
Don't get me wrong, in the end, my marriage did not work out. But it did end amicably, and I believe whole-heartedly that Scott was meant to be a part of my life - and we shared 10 years together. Filled with many ups and downs, mistakes made and lessons learned (thank you Adele). But at the end of the day, there was nothing I could have done to create the circumstances or explain the way Scott came into and out of my life at just the right times. But this does clearly prove, even to me - a tough critic - if it's meant to be it will.
So here I am again. Trying to start fresh, on the brink of ending things with Aaron, on the beginning of having met Kevin, and exploring dating from yet another perspective... and I am fearful. So you start with a great date, that's the easy part... then what? The stress of will he call, should I call... on and on the games go. With a step back, and the support of close friends who know me and my silly behaviours, I realize that once again, this is a leap of faith. I have to let go, and trust that all of these situations will work out the way they were meant to. And in most cases, for the best if I let them work themselves out.
We don't always have to be involved, or make things happen. In the moments that I am able to let it go, I am happy and faithful and everything about what I am doing is more truly representative of me :)
So, I'm off to Hot Yoga to cleanse my mind of these thoughts, and try to let this go...
Stay tuned :)
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Catch up!! The Perfect Date?
Theoretical lessons aside, I feel it is time to bring you up to speed with what's happened in my dating adventures...
CHRIS, who made it clear that the benefits part of friendship was the priority, is no longer in contact. initially out of my own confused state and not willing or ready to let the situation go, I tried to hang in for the abuse. When I started to listen to my gut and the stress of the situation, I realized I was paddling my boat upstream like many of us do. The words of a wise person I once heard pointed out that "nothing you could ever want is upstream". So if you find yourself in a situation that is causing you more discomfort and stress then happiness, turn your boat around. And so I did. I made it clear to Chris that his proposition was of no interest to me. My deepest fear came true. He was furious. Now I realize, why was I so afraid of that? None of the situation lines up with who I am and what I believe, therefore, it simply throws me off centre. The situation has resolved. This person is no longer in my life, and today I realize that is more than ok. His part in my story is over. :) Today I am grateful for the lessons learned and the return to flowing with the current, downstream.
AARON, whom I have been dating casually for a little over 2 months, the one that was just so different and nice. Well, different and nice aren't enough. And I came to realize that keeping this relationship in my life may simply be preventing me from being open to whatever else is ahead in my journey. Although I have not formally closed this relationship. I have mentally and emotionally ended this, and will allow the situation to resolve or find the opportunity to let him go.
JASON - well, he has moved back to my home town. My last communication with him I shared that I was surprised and not certain how I felt about the situation. For the past year, I have been reassuring to him about my feelings. This time, without fear, I simply pointed out that "circumstances are different now". And, the very thing I had feared did happen. He never responded. And I realize, why was I so afraid of that? This relationship brought me a lot of emotional pain and stress, negative thoughts and energy. He is here with a child, and a relationship with someone else. I am at peace, I wish him well, and I knew it was time to let it go. I continue to believe that the universe has it's own plan for me, and if this person or any other person is meant to be in my life, I won't really have a say, it will just happen. And so... I have let this go.
Enter KEVIN... alright, so you already know how I felt about online dating. I'm a huge skeptic. A girlfriend helped me change my perspective, and I think I finally have a bit of a new take on it... so I ventured on to a different paid site. And met Kevin. Initially when he asked for my number after a handful of exchanges I hesitated. Then figured, that was silly to be on the site and engaged in email exchanges and not open to the next step. We exchanged numbers and began IMing. We seemed to have a lot in common in all of our exchanges. He convinced me to come to dinner that evening. He called and we communicated for over an hour. The conversation was natural and entertaining. I met him for dinner, he was for once a seemingly true representation of his online profile. We laughed about how misleading that can be. The conversation continued to flow... he showed the old chivalry behaviours that I can honestly say I haven't experienced for a long time if ever. Opening doors, car doors, and walking on the outside of the sidewalk, paying for dinner, holding my hand. This was the perfect date, and truly unexpected. So what does it mean... who knows? For today, the only thing I can take from it was that this is the way I want and deserve to be treated. Whether it goes anywhere or not, time will tell... For once, I'm open, but not going to invest. Perhaps it's my new centre, perhaps it's because I have truly in my heart decided I'm just fine on my own and no longer actively pursuing a relationship... this was the first date I let the real me out. I was my silly, quirky, passionate self. And I truly enjoyed the experience of it.
Looking forward to the next chapter in my journey!
CHRIS, who made it clear that the benefits part of friendship was the priority, is no longer in contact. initially out of my own confused state and not willing or ready to let the situation go, I tried to hang in for the abuse. When I started to listen to my gut and the stress of the situation, I realized I was paddling my boat upstream like many of us do. The words of a wise person I once heard pointed out that "nothing you could ever want is upstream". So if you find yourself in a situation that is causing you more discomfort and stress then happiness, turn your boat around. And so I did. I made it clear to Chris that his proposition was of no interest to me. My deepest fear came true. He was furious. Now I realize, why was I so afraid of that? None of the situation lines up with who I am and what I believe, therefore, it simply throws me off centre. The situation has resolved. This person is no longer in my life, and today I realize that is more than ok. His part in my story is over. :) Today I am grateful for the lessons learned and the return to flowing with the current, downstream.
AARON, whom I have been dating casually for a little over 2 months, the one that was just so different and nice. Well, different and nice aren't enough. And I came to realize that keeping this relationship in my life may simply be preventing me from being open to whatever else is ahead in my journey. Although I have not formally closed this relationship. I have mentally and emotionally ended this, and will allow the situation to resolve or find the opportunity to let him go.
JASON - well, he has moved back to my home town. My last communication with him I shared that I was surprised and not certain how I felt about the situation. For the past year, I have been reassuring to him about my feelings. This time, without fear, I simply pointed out that "circumstances are different now". And, the very thing I had feared did happen. He never responded. And I realize, why was I so afraid of that? This relationship brought me a lot of emotional pain and stress, negative thoughts and energy. He is here with a child, and a relationship with someone else. I am at peace, I wish him well, and I knew it was time to let it go. I continue to believe that the universe has it's own plan for me, and if this person or any other person is meant to be in my life, I won't really have a say, it will just happen. And so... I have let this go.
Enter KEVIN... alright, so you already know how I felt about online dating. I'm a huge skeptic. A girlfriend helped me change my perspective, and I think I finally have a bit of a new take on it... so I ventured on to a different paid site. And met Kevin. Initially when he asked for my number after a handful of exchanges I hesitated. Then figured, that was silly to be on the site and engaged in email exchanges and not open to the next step. We exchanged numbers and began IMing. We seemed to have a lot in common in all of our exchanges. He convinced me to come to dinner that evening. He called and we communicated for over an hour. The conversation was natural and entertaining. I met him for dinner, he was for once a seemingly true representation of his online profile. We laughed about how misleading that can be. The conversation continued to flow... he showed the old chivalry behaviours that I can honestly say I haven't experienced for a long time if ever. Opening doors, car doors, and walking on the outside of the sidewalk, paying for dinner, holding my hand. This was the perfect date, and truly unexpected. So what does it mean... who knows? For today, the only thing I can take from it was that this is the way I want and deserve to be treated. Whether it goes anywhere or not, time will tell... For once, I'm open, but not going to invest. Perhaps it's my new centre, perhaps it's because I have truly in my heart decided I'm just fine on my own and no longer actively pursuing a relationship... this was the first date I let the real me out. I was my silly, quirky, passionate self. And I truly enjoyed the experience of it.
Looking forward to the next chapter in my journey!
Life is all about choices... your choices!
It's been an interesting week since I last blogged... I have been wrapping my head around a whole pile of new lessons and life happenings. It's been a busy week! Here's the update...
My journey as a single person has left me bouncing around between finding my balance and getting knocked right back on my ass just as quickly. It became quite clear that my foundation, my center was just not strong enough still to support the lessons learned without continuing to go back to my old ways everytime I felt a little bit stretched. I started to realize this by listening to the stories of other single friends. We have our good days and bad... we wake up strong and convinced, then we fall weak and insecure. We put ourselves our there, then we lock ourselves back up tightly.
The definition of insanity describes the idea of continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. I'm fairly certain there are few people who can't say they've been there... Perhaps the greatest lesson I am learning, and one that I have to work diligently at as I hope to master is the idea that everything about life changes when we change our perspective on things. What I mean is, the world is full of noise. Billions of people on different journeys, with different experiences, opnions, beliefs, successes, and challenges. I recognize that my life gets really fuzzy, especially in dating and the pursuit to find myself, when I start asking people the Hows, Whys, and What ifs. When I find my own center, trust in my heart, instincts, mind and journey... I find peace. And when I find that peace, good things seem to naturally come my way.
What am I saying? There are good things waiting to come into all of our lives, people, experiences, gifts... but sometimes without knowing it we are blocking it. We are un-open to accepting it. We are fearful of things that we don't know, we are protective of ourselves and as a result knock ourselves off centre trying to make up who we want others to think we are. Why is it that the hardest thing in the world sometimes is just being yourself? Think of a time when you could just be you... how did it make you feel? I bet you would tell me it was a time of utter and shear happiness, and I bet you sensed a true desire of people around you wanting to be a genuine part of that. So why do we become someone else when who we really are is exactly what someone out there is looking for :)
This past week of silence, I have spent a great deal reading about trusting emotions, openness to life, and have found a new place to connect with myself and find balance. I have taken up Hot Yoga. I am a natural born thinker, my mind never shuts off. In this one hour that I give to myself, where my BlackBerry sits idol, my world is placed on pause, and all the noise around me is silenced... I listen to my own breath, and the calm words of someone reminding me to let go of the thoughts that aren't serving me. In these moments I realize, I am happy. There is nothing missing. The things that I think about that make me unhappy are simply thoughts I've created. And the easiest way when I step away from Yoga and into the world to keep it relevant and centered - is to realize that I am in control of my thoughts. I can listen to the words of many. But in the end, I choose what I want to accept, what I'm willing to consider, what I believe... because within me, when I trust it, I already have the answers.
To my friends who are struggling with the words and input and NOISE of others, I want to share this quote for what it's worth...
This conversation with a man who insulted Buddha ended with the abuser answering "Then it belongs to the person who offered it". Buddha replied "That is correct. So if I decline your abuse, does it not still then belong to you?"
Food for thought...
My journey as a single person has left me bouncing around between finding my balance and getting knocked right back on my ass just as quickly. It became quite clear that my foundation, my center was just not strong enough still to support the lessons learned without continuing to go back to my old ways everytime I felt a little bit stretched. I started to realize this by listening to the stories of other single friends. We have our good days and bad... we wake up strong and convinced, then we fall weak and insecure. We put ourselves our there, then we lock ourselves back up tightly.
The definition of insanity describes the idea of continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. I'm fairly certain there are few people who can't say they've been there... Perhaps the greatest lesson I am learning, and one that I have to work diligently at as I hope to master is the idea that everything about life changes when we change our perspective on things. What I mean is, the world is full of noise. Billions of people on different journeys, with different experiences, opnions, beliefs, successes, and challenges. I recognize that my life gets really fuzzy, especially in dating and the pursuit to find myself, when I start asking people the Hows, Whys, and What ifs. When I find my own center, trust in my heart, instincts, mind and journey... I find peace. And when I find that peace, good things seem to naturally come my way.
What am I saying? There are good things waiting to come into all of our lives, people, experiences, gifts... but sometimes without knowing it we are blocking it. We are un-open to accepting it. We are fearful of things that we don't know, we are protective of ourselves and as a result knock ourselves off centre trying to make up who we want others to think we are. Why is it that the hardest thing in the world sometimes is just being yourself? Think of a time when you could just be you... how did it make you feel? I bet you would tell me it was a time of utter and shear happiness, and I bet you sensed a true desire of people around you wanting to be a genuine part of that. So why do we become someone else when who we really are is exactly what someone out there is looking for :)
This past week of silence, I have spent a great deal reading about trusting emotions, openness to life, and have found a new place to connect with myself and find balance. I have taken up Hot Yoga. I am a natural born thinker, my mind never shuts off. In this one hour that I give to myself, where my BlackBerry sits idol, my world is placed on pause, and all the noise around me is silenced... I listen to my own breath, and the calm words of someone reminding me to let go of the thoughts that aren't serving me. In these moments I realize, I am happy. There is nothing missing. The things that I think about that make me unhappy are simply thoughts I've created. And the easiest way when I step away from Yoga and into the world to keep it relevant and centered - is to realize that I am in control of my thoughts. I can listen to the words of many. But in the end, I choose what I want to accept, what I'm willing to consider, what I believe... because within me, when I trust it, I already have the answers.
To my friends who are struggling with the words and input and NOISE of others, I want to share this quote for what it's worth...
"If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to acccept it, to whom does the gift belong?" ~ Buddha
This conversation with a man who insulted Buddha ended with the abuser answering "Then it belongs to the person who offered it". Buddha replied "That is correct. So if I decline your abuse, does it not still then belong to you?"
Food for thought...
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