Sometime's there are no limits to what we're willing to try just to find understanding...
At the end of my rope, I finally went to visit this Spiritualist I've mentioned. The meeting lasted 2 hours, based around my needs and questions. What came back to me was shocking... enlightening, and overwhelming. I have spent the past year meeting with various type of Support Groups, and therapists, sponsors and friends, reading and googling, trying to understand myself, love, and why things have been seemingly so difficult. I'm sure I'm not alone in this quest for answers...
What came back to me was the shockingly simple truth. One that I believe I have known all along but refused to accept. But here I was with more facts than I could possibly wrap my little head around :). I opted for a card reading, in my quest for guidance and understanding. The spiritualist was able to help me identify a few things - she saw me with sore knees as though I'd been praying that my relationships would not end in trajedy (like heartbreak or disaster) - I had not spoken of JASON yet. She saw a butterfly - symbolic of growth and learning. This seemed to be the pinnacle of the time spent with CHRIS. The things she saw were easily explainable by so many things in my life. Things I knew I had faced, and felt I had dealt with.
It became increasingly clear... all this time I believed those around me were the ones who were Emotionally Unavailable... and whether they were or weren't was completely irrelevant. I have been that person. I have continued to steer relationships and dating in various directions to keep myself safe out of the buried fear of ever feeling the deep hurt I endured last year over JASON, and over some incidents that go back to my childhood. And there it was... I was shocked. The answer my friends, came down to ME. The common denominator in all of my challenged relationships... me.
I have wanted to be open and hopeful and faithful, and I had glimpses of brief periods where I was. The second I sensed a risk, I shut down, blocked out, went back into survival mode... no wonder the universe couldn't give me the things I had been wanting. I was afraid of them, and resisting them at every opportunity.
A little sad and deflated, I wondered how long now to fix all of this again. The Spiritualist smiled, and said, from today forward, your actions will clear up anything. The people that are in your life and meant to be already understand. Stop worrying about what others think, start asking what you need right now. Be in this moment. The future is not real. You only have NOW. Be here now... live your life using words and actions of love, and that is what you will attract. Fear just leads to anger, resentment, and resistance. It leaves you closed to all the wonderful things that await you.
It all makes sense... in the moments I have just "lived", amazing things have come my way. In the moments I've tried to create life, good things have always been at a distance. So to bring openness and love back into my life, I am working again to focus on providing the things I want. Not looking to others to do that for me. I am happy with myself, I just need to continue to appreciate that.
So tonight, I bought myself a dozen red roses :)... what girl doesn't love herself some roses...
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