After spending 10 days in California, and lots of time reflecting and trying to really listen to myself despite all the noise in the world, I went on hiatus.
Before I left for California, I was in this ultra elated mood. One I couldn't explain. I met someone from a spiritual practice who shared with me that it was my spirit sensing good things coming into my life. There was even the speculation of me meeting someone on this trip. But in the back of my mind before I even boarded the airplane arose questions about someone that continues to pop into my life. I sent a note from the airport to this Spiritualist about this situation plaguing my mind, the message that came back "Patience".
After about 5 days in Cali, I hit one of those lonely walls. I love what I do, I love that I get to travel, and I love that I have no fear or discomfort in doing that - anytime, anywhere. Yet here I was, in San Francisco - the weather was perfect, my Best Friend lives in the city, and I began to feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I kept working to keep myself in the moment, and truly enjoyed every last minute of time with my best friend. Along came the powerful, dreaded and emotional moment of goodbye. There we stood in the street in front of the Four Seasons Hotel. The taxi driver piled my luggage into the back of the cab, while she and I stood sobbing and hugging in the street. I was torn between desperately needing to get home, and the pain of leaving the person who knew me best behind once again. On the way to the airport the taxi driver asked if we were sisters, my only reply "she's the sister I got to choose". He smiled, and said he doesn't often get to see that level of emotion, and it touched him. As heavy as my heart felt in that moment, I smiled... I had learned to finally love through pain. A year prior, I believed holding the tears back was my strength. Really... it was how I avoided really feeling anything.
Upon arriving home, I was sleepless in Ontario... quickly pointing to jet lag made it easily justified. I had booked Monday off, so the sleepless Sunday night was ok. Monday was a day filled with errands and sleepiness. Normally an upbeat and energetic person, I actually found myself amused at how grumpy I was, and relieved that I had scheduled the day away from people. My mom came to visit, and surprised me with a bouquet of flowers, this naturally warmed my heart and reminded me how much I have to be grateful for. I cancelled plans to hit the gym and prioritized Candle Light Hot Yoga into my evening. Feeling like a million bucks, relieved, relaxed and quiet in mind, I crawled into bed and fell asleep quickly.
I awoke an hour later and discovered a message on my phone from none other than CHRIS. Who just keeps popping up. I decided I would ignore this message and return to sleep. But now I was emotionally hijacked, wondering what on earth he wanted at this hour. A little angry that I could not get back to sleep I finally replied hoping he had fallen asleep. Nope... a quick reply back. He was wide awake and travelling looking for my help. Within a few minutes he said good night, and there I lay... watching the clock until 3am before I fell back asleep. With a total of 3.5 hours of sleep under my belt, I awoke to making back to back Presentation at work, while trying to sort out favours to help CHRIS who was travelling.
Completely frustrated by the end of the day, I once again contacted the Spirtualist - who once again sent the message "Patience, Please!". She too was shocked the same message came up. I scheduled a time to meet. My mind was filled with questions and I was struggling to get through my days. When I finally met with her, the only thing on my mind was why won't this person leave my life??? The realizations that came back to me were shocking... and just as I've communicated, and as I've known all along, the problem is me. I am the only one I am responsible for... the problem I am having is me.
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