A Weekend of Surprises...Chivalry is Alive :)

A weekend of openness

This weekend was a busy one, rather exciting as I continue to explore the realm of dating in the city.  I spent the day Saturday with Samantha, we started with a great run on the waterfront in Toronto.  Gorgeous weather finally here, the sun on our faces, the sting in our lungs, burn in our legs and good music to push us through. An amazing start to the day.

That evening I was meeting Evan.  Cleverly this week, barely asking permission, but through an interesting conversation about restaurants we'd never been to, before I even realized it, I'd committed to prime time! He had confirmed a reservation for Saturday night and quickly ended a conversation on Tuesday with "I'll be at your place at 7:15pm on Saturday". I can't decide if I was amused or impressed.  Either way, I figured he deserved my commitment.  True to his word, he was waiting outside my door to pick me up. We took a taxi and were ushered into Church Aperitivo on Queen West.  He'd called in a favour and secured a reservation on a sold out night and some special attention.  For a second I thought back to conversations where I'd been told my expectations were high. But here was a man with courage enough to far exceed my expectations and it made me wonder...I hadn't expected anything, but was simply delighted maybe even shocked that someone had gone out of the way to plan an evening for me.  The date was nice.  Evan is a designer. Conversation was easy, simple and light.  He even sketched a picture of me on a napkin.  He was a gentleman, although I didn't feel a spark. For once, I felt only compelled to enjoy the food and conversation.  

Sunday arrived, another beautiful day in the city.  After a good sleep, I woke early to the sun peeking through my blinds. I was craving a good long run, sunshine, music, and water...my favourite way to catch up with my thoughts, wrap my head around the possibilities of the day and to just plain feel amazing.  

David, whom I'd met Tuesday arrived at 10:30am prompt to pick me up for our brunch date.  Before I could even reach the curb he was out of the black Audi to hug me hello and hold the passenger door open for me.  He slipped into the seat beside me.  I couldn't help but smile. He'd gotten up early and left the cottage to pick me up for the afternoon.  He was sharply dressed and smelled amazing.  We drove north west in the city. He'd asked me to pick a restaurant I'd like to try, and we found ourselves at Farmhouse Tavern.  Thankful for a reservation as the little whole in the wall had a line up out the door.  Conversation was effortless, food was amazing.  David was chivalrous and sweet. I sat back and revelled the moments, I remembered a different time in dating when I'd felt so much pressure and nervousness...things just seem different.

After brunch we parked at my place and walked to the Art Gallery. I'd never been but had it on my list to do for a while.  David insisted we do something I wanted to do.  After some good laughs and discoveries, we made our way back to Queen Street to my favourite spot, David's Tea.  We sat and talked for a few hours over tea.  David was supposed to leave the city by 5pm.  I realized it was 5:30 pm, when I told him. He said he'd cancelled his plans and hoped I was free into the evening.  We then indulged in my Sunday night favourite, dinner at Fresh.  Conversation over the course of several hours was varied and gave me lots to consider on both the positives and some potential differences to. Mostly, I felt a level of awareness I've never experienced in dating. Almost as if I was sitting outside my own mind...just feeling the situation from an outside perspective.

We walked back to my place. David wanted to keep talking as I went about my chores getting organized for the week ahead. I was making my favourite healthy chilli recipe and realized I'd forgotten an onion.  He hopped up and was out the door to find me one.  The grocery store near my condo was closed.  With barely a text to expect a delay, he returned 20 minutes later, he'd run in the rain to the next closest store and returned not only with an onion but a bouquet of pink tulips. Suddenly...again I was reminded, when someone cares you feel it, you see it, you know it...

And so...it was a great weekend. I feel great about the experience and just as strong about my promise to move slowly in whichever direction feels right...

Forgive for you...you deserve peace

Recently I have found a recurring theme in the discussions I've had with friends and others around their situations, their pain, their frustration.  I am the first to admit I still have my days. But given where I've been and where I am now, I must be doing something right.  

Funny when I say forgiveness is the secret, it seems almost laughable. I would have agreed until I learned that it really can be freeing.  Many years ago, as a young girl, I experienced hurt by a family member that I could not understand, not could I accept.  I spent most of my teens angry at this family member.  I wanted an apology. After 4 years of waiting and finally some time with a therapist, it hurt even worse when my therapist suggested "you are waiting for an apology that you're never going to get..." . I thought that was ridiculous. It hurt even more to realize the therapist was probably right.

I sat in the pain of the revelation, and sure enough, my body and mind grew sick and tired of feeling it, and I surrendered. I reached out and reconnected with this person who had been estranged from my life.  I made the decision to forgive them in my heart and mind. We moved forward. For years we enjoyed our connection although we both remained sensitive to the subject of the past.  It took me close to 10 years to forgive wholeheartedly. When I did, I learned to love that person again.  We built a new relationship and that person became my best friend.  7 years later...that apology came...unexpectedly and no longer necessary, it took the breath right out of me.  It meant the world.  But in the meantime I'd been able to enjoy 7 years of peace as I had long prior forgiven.

Little did I know that very same lesson would continue to test me in life.  With Jason, ,u first love who'd had a child with someone else, and then Chris, whom I could never understand and would not let me in.  Sometimes the best gift we can give ourselves in these painful situations is the freedom of forgiveness.  Holding on to hurt, anger and resentment does not punish the person we hold it for...they may not even realize or they may not care... It hurts you.  So...forgive not because they deserve it, but because you don't deserve to carry the weight or the pain.  Let it go..you may have to do it over and over,  but I promise one day it will be gone, and replaced by something much better. Make space in your heart...

"Sometimes the hardest apology to accept is the one you never got"

Spring Cleaning... Lighten the Load :)

Finally a nice stretch of weather ahead.  That time of year where the promise of all that is new has people motivated to prepare to welcome it. Much like a new year, we organize our homes, clearing out the things we no longer need making room to welcome and embrace whatever lays ahead.  How often do we take that approach in our lives and relationships?

How much clutter fills your mind?  It's surprising when you stop to acknowledge your own feelings.  When things feel unsettled and you realize it has to do with things that you never said, would have said differently, wish you never said, things you never did, did, or wish you did differently.  I for be have wasted a lot of time and room in my life holding on to the "clutter". Until recently... You see, everyday is an opportunity to do a spring cleaning.  It's never too late, from this moment forward.  It takes work, and practice.  But...just as you feel with a clean and organized home, life is pretty amazing when your slate is clear too.  

It's the point where you have truly expressed your own truth, without fear of results or challenge. Knowing that the truth has come from a place of love, for yourself.  I have been guilty for years of not speaking my truth to people for fear of hurting them, when I was actually only hurting myself and in turn hurting them through the resentment that silently filled me.  

Today, I feel like my past is clean and organized.  I have been truthful in all of my situations finally. With that I can let the clutter go...out like the trash.  However, we all know the frustration of spending hours cleaning your home only to have it messy again a short time later.  But... It can be easy to keep it that way if you commit to the maintenance everyday moving forward.  With my slate clean, I have promised and continue to work at speaking my truth.  Being honest and upfront with the people in my life about my feelings.  

It's not a perfect process, it's not easy. We all have the chaotic days where we don't have the time to hang up our clothes at the end of the day.  That's ok.  But, before it gets out of control, I am getting much better at making the time to catch up again when I get off track.  If something bothers me, I need to go back to the person or situation, regardless of the outcome, and speak my truth.  It gets easier when you feel the weight that's lifted.  In talking with a friend today I could see my own resistance to doing this in the past, the fear, the weight of the what ifs... As you try this and feel the freeness that follows, it gets easier.  

Lately it seems, the free space I have made in my life has allowed me to welcome in a host of new people and opportunities.  It's a kind of happy I can't even describe, light and free... Give it a try.

Once you're there, it's more important than anything you keep it clean.  Especially when dating. I've learned the hard way, the things I wouldn't say in the beginning grew too big to fix later on. Don't waste the chance to say it... If speaking your truth is a deal breaker for a relationship, it would be doomed by the hoarding anyway...just my humble opinion.

Happy spring cleaning :)

Wasting Precious Moments?

I had the opportunity to share a few previous hours this evening with Graham over a few drinks at the Shangri La. An ex-pat living in the city, overseeing some heavy professional responsibilities.  He has achieved great success in his career, and has incredible vision for the future. A man of great passion and power, direction and confidence.  Only one thing missing...the partner to share his happy ever after.

We shared some incredible conversation, accepting and opening to each others' perspectives. It was another moment for me...another opportunity to learn, to question, to appreciate.  Maybe, could it be possible that there is a time in life when pure selfishness is a requirement? When a person must simply let to of the desire to do for others, to please, to shape, to express and to be what someone else expects?  What if...tomorrow never comes?

Sadly it's a reality. How many opportunities do we pass up out of guilt that it would be selfish to take?  Or is it a matter of perspective. What if not taking the opportunity was selfish? What if it was meant to come along, and meant specifically for you to experience?  Everything happens for a reason.  It comes down to something pretty simple...perspective.

Have you ever shyed away from a compliment, blushed and changed the subject of downplayed the statement.  Why?  Did you feel selfish? I have done it, feeling like accepting might communicate that I feel the same.  What if you not accepting that compliment actually took away the joy of the person who gave it to you? Food for thought... It is all about perspective.

Stop worrying about what others think, selfishly wasting the precious moments that have been given to you...different perspective ❤

Being Me...Effortlessly

It seems I'm once again in my flow.  Just 48 hours go I found myself stalled by my feelings.  Something I needed to say was weighing me own. I took some to to myself to put m thoughts in writing.  I've come to learn in recent months that the weight of things unspoken is far more damaging then the results of speaking my truth.  Immediately after getting the things. Needed to say off my chest I felt the weight magically disappear, and I returned to this new vibe. The shift happened again...when you speak your truth, your personal power grows.

Free and strong, I have been back to being present in my life. And...the universe has responded in kind.  A flurry of invitations came at me. What changed? So odd...but it seems to go back to the paddle boat in the river.  When you follow the current and let go of the  oars, it takes you effortlessly to amazing places and people you never imagined.  So hy fight it?  True strength might look more like endless faith then grunting and fighting to paddle upstream.

Tonight, that flow lead me into the first truly blind date of my life.  The best part about it was the impossibility of any expectation.  I'd never spoken to David, never seen. Photograph, I had nothing more than the few words of the Voice on the phone who arranged the whole date.  And...I just let go.  I walked in without any nerves. The whole evening was effortless.  Conversation flowed, with a blank slate and zero expectation I was completely free to be me! What an incredible experience.  We dined for 3 hours and talked about anything and everything. I am satisfied and sleepy. For once I have no desire to sit and recall the conversation. But rather to know that no decision needs to be made and enjoy this moment for the end to a great night.

David was beyond a gentleman and our conversation simply reinforced all the things I've learned about what I'm looking for.  This is how a first date should feel...effortless.

Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? To not be rejected? What if we could change that perspective to see it as a choice? Tonight I was me. Nothing more, nothing less. That's good enough :) 

Letting Go of the Results...Get Ready for it :)

The Surprises that Come...Let Life Come at You

Where have the days gone? The last time I took a breath it was Friday night, I blinked and Monday is gone!  What a great weekend.  I hosted 20+ singles and a handful of couples for good balance. Matchmaker is definitely not on my résumé of skills...but what a great vibe and energy.  I took a few moments during the party to step back and watch an amazing group of people who had only met (for the most part) that evening, yet the room was a buzz with people making new connections.  The room was full of smiles and easy vibes, innocent flirtations and warmth.  What a lucky girl I am to know so many great people. Even newcomers were welcomed and mingled easily a,one the group. It was effortless for me...

Funny how counterintuitive life can be at times. The harder you work in yourrofessional life the more opportunities come your way.  This has paid off for me professionally.  Personally however, the harder I've worked the more disappointed I've found myself. Perhaps the effort is naturally laced with expectation for the outcome,  we are so driven in today's world to create results, it can be tough to sit back and enjoy the pure pleasure of what comes about on its own.

Saturday I sat back and spent the afternoon between yoga and the spa.  The party came together, in fact it came together better then I ever imagined.  I was relaxed and had the opportunity to just enjoy the party myself rather then trying to be everywhere to ensure everyone was having a good time and meeting new people.  Why do we always want to work so hard?  This was perhaps the best party I've ever hosted and enjoyed :)

The same can be for dating. I have worked so hard in relationships only to end up disappointed when the other person never matched my effort.  Now, I'm sitting back...remaining open, even having to carve out time for me and hold it a bit at bay.  Dates have come out of the wood works in the past week. There aren't enough days in a week... I'm not sure what happened apart from a girl learning to share her smile with the world again. 

Today I attended a high profile networking lunch and keynote.  Despite my passion for networking I woke up anxious about the event this morning. I contacted the man who invited me as his guest looking for input so I could figure out my approach.  I finally ran out of time to prepare with a busy morning in the office and some reports due.  When I arrived at the event, I somehow changed my mindset and surrendered to letting others lead.  We were ushered into the per-event VIP session with the guests of honour and a small handful of head table patrons, all the makings for a nerve wracking experience.  Instead, I sat back.  It was natural...shaking hands and sharing experience with upper levels of government and private sector.

I returned to the office after feeling pretty amazing. I had been dreading the event for no reason.  The second I let go of the notion that I was somehow responsible to make anything happen and just relaxed into being myself, doors opened.  I met some incredible people and unlocked new doors for business opportunities.  It occurred to me that dating has been a similarly anxious experience at times.  When I feel no pressure I've always relaxed and allowed the real me to come out.  I kinda like that girl...why do I always keep her a secret?

Boy, is life full when you let opportunities come on their own, and it's so much easier when you don't try to take responsibility for the results :) 

Embrace your Choices...Walk Straight through Hell with a Smile :)

Do we really embrace whatever our status is?  As a single person I have often caught myself craving a relationship, yet I have many friends who think I the lucky one:). Clearly in those moments we are missing the opportunity to just enjoy what is. 

Perhaps it comes down to not taking a moment to acknowledge the power we have in choices that just become routine in our lives. As someone who has been married and now single, I can certainly sit back and appreciate the benefits to both. So perhaps the challenges we feel around our status has nothing to do without status at all but rather our perspective and failure to recognize and capture the opportunities that are present as we are.

It's Saturday morning... I woke up alone.  While I have at many times woken up wishing there was someone beside me, I recognize it is a choice.  I choose to wake up alone rather then wi someone I don't want to be with.  I also chose not to set an alarm, and therefore let my body wake up when it wanted to with no one else there to influence that.  Suddenly I was realizing everything was my choice and I could choose things that made me feel happy and productive.  I had no schedule just targets.  So I threw some laundry on and went for a run. While running I felt my thoughts drift, my mind processing my week past and my day ahead. Then it become increasingly focused on my body... My breath controlled, my face glowing with sweat, my legs felt strong...and I suddenly felt full. Full of everything, happy, healthy, strong, and doing what I wanted to do.  I had been trying to wrap my head around my day and how I'd get it all done, and realized I just will, and my body feels too damn good to hold second to my chores.

There it is, what do I want to do? I've decided to take a few more hours for myself in advance of my party tonight. Sure there's lots to do, but it will get done. In the meantime, I'm taking back 3 hours for me. Off to Yoga followed by a little water spa time at the Shangri-La.  After all, this is my life...everything else can wait :)

Embrace the choices that are yours to make. Don't let the little opportunities and blessings go unnoticed ❤. It's your choice, you could...

"You could run the distance, you could go the mile, you could walk straight through hell with a smile" ~ Hall of Fame, The Script

A Smiling Party for Singles in the City...

The smile project was somewhat born out of the desire to challenge the stigma that statistically speaking you should have a better chance to meet "the one" online.  As I've struggled for the past year or so with the idea that I'd meet the man who will inspire me for a lifetime online...I am pleasantly amused and relieved to see that the good ole fashion in person opportunity is still a possibility.   

That said, I am very excited to share that I have a blind date scheduled for early next week...and I'm actually pretty excited.  The shift has made dating a whole new experience. Stay tuned for the details next week.  

As far as the old fashioned theory... I thought it might be fun to bring together a pile of my single friends now that I am in the city. I'm very excited to sit back tomorrow night as I will be hosting a notable group of single male and female friends.  My guests have also been encouraged to bring a single friend along.  This is going to be interesting... I have a VERY good feeling a few connections could be made.  If not, at least a very entertaining night of flirting and good vibes :). I can hardly wait... I have a few predictions in mind, but I, more excited at the Wild Cards that might come out of no where.

Now...the incorporate the Smile Project without making it public...scheming.

Happy weekend friends, can't wait to update you...

Still Smiling in the City...

Still Smiling...

Just about 3 weeks into the smile project now, and it has actually become second nature.  For the many of you who have reached out with questions and feedback, here's the scoop.  I had no real plan or expectation of this venture, but I can tell you I, sitting here smiling as I write this, because what has happened has truly blown my mind.  :)

I have met more incredible people, men and women alike, and YES I have even landed a handful of real dates and conversations.  Not only is my vibe different to others, but it's also different to me, and I'm enjoying the feeling.  The smile just might be one of the most powerful tools in the human arsenal...and guess what...it's free, unlimited and available to all.

Have you ever had a rotten moment or situation the  felt the sincere kindness of a total stranger and it turned your entire day around!?! True story... You can also help yourself in a bad moment by giving a smile away.  You'll get it back, I promise.  That powerful little curve of your lips holds the key to unlocking a world of opportunity you may never know existed.  People are naturally attracted to positive energy...they aren't even always aware.  

Living examples...an acquaintance I met last year at a mutual Clients' event has been sending me invites to some pretty cool parties around the city.  Samantha and I couldn't resist the temptation of opportunity to get out and meet some new people.  We accepted another this week and went to a Design Event at a very cool new vodka bar in the city.  The first man we met at the bar seemed to be in a rotten mood. A few sentences into what was feeling like a painful situation, we dared him to smile.  He told us he'd forgotten how, and went on about working alone and never having to.  A little ribbing and our own smiles and before long our new friend was laughing alongside.  Within minutes I found myself swept up in conversation with a Designer from Milan, I didn't even realize until I found myself completely enveloped in learning about what he did for a Iiving. Each encounter just kept feeding that warm feeling inside me.  Finally I met Devon, another Designer.  He immediately inquired if I was a designer, well, no, but a customer for sure working for a hotel company.  Now Devon was the one with the curve on his face, as he laughed and called me out for crashing the party. The conversation only got more entertaining from there.  We exchanged business cards as Samantha and I escaped to crash the next venue. Before we even arrived I found an email from Devon on my blackberry happy we crashed the party and wondering if we'd crash the next one. 

We made our way half way to the next event when the energy carried us into a hopping spot in the financial district.  Within minutes we were exchanging smiles, and before we could even blink, we were sharing an intense conversation with a very friendly lawyer named Andy.  Oddly, a very happily married men among many sharks. We were delighted to hear his take on the "prey" mentality around us, and even more so his refreshing take and loyalty to his relationship. 

Night after night, this energy carried us from place to place without plan or expectation.  Night after night I crawled into bed smiling at the number of new people we'd met, and experiences we'd shared by simply putting one foot in front of the other, being open to possibility, and wearing our most powerful accessory...a smile :)

A shout out to those following in the USA, Australia, China, Russia, Germany, UK, Costa Rica...would love to hear your stories.

It really is that simple... any day, any time, any place...Smile :)

The First Step is Falling in Love... With Yourself

What a week...finally a moment to reflect.  It's always an interesting glance in the rear view mirror...not to see the past but rather to see how far you've come.  Just a few short years ago I was feeling empty, running away from a person I just didn't recognize or know... Myself.  I did everything to fill my time...travelled extensively, worked too much, filled my social calendar, tried a million new sports, you name it.  What an adventure it's been.  Amazing memories and stories, and although I might have been running at the time, I was learning.  

Here I am today, my life is rich with amazing people.  I have a special person in my life to fill almost every one of my needs.  As I meet new people and share in the journey of friends and family, I continue to learn about and understand myself, and where I've come from.  Here I sit on a Friday night, a night I dreaded when I didn't have plans a few years ago, and tonight I chose to tun down invitations to spend some time with me. Exhale...

Time to check in... My feet are sore after carrying me all over the city from 7am until midnight everyday since Sunday. So much has happened but there hasn't been a minute to reflect.  Funny how the one thing that used to scare me (too much  time alone with my thoughts) is now the  very thing I crave the most.  Progress :) not perfection.  I'm truly happy. My mind is clear, there are no thoughts left to be afraid of...

From one day to the next, I am enjoying this journey... a recovering self-diagnosed over thinker with a plan... I think to the times I knew I wanted to change but didn't know how I'd get there.  Now I can look back, and the silly cliche things I tell people, and people told me...they were true.

1) Practice, Practice, Practice - everyday is a new chance to try again, don't be afraid to fail

2) Lean a Little - you never have to do it alone :)

3) One Step at a Time - when you don't know what to do, focus on the "do things". The things and decisions that are right in front of you, don't go looking for things that haven't come up yet

4) Be Authentic and Love Out Loud - let your feelings and emotions guide you...they are a gift. When you honour them you can live your life without the guilt of something unsaid.

5) Embrace Change without Fear - think back to the times you thought you'd never get through something...if you're reading this, you did! Have faith that you'll never be given more then you can handle
6) Smile :). Cause it really opens the doors to the world. Tried, tested, true.

Finally, get naked with yourself...you are amazing! Fall in love with yourself and watch how quickly everything around you changes ❤

Finding Peace in Change...

I took to the mat tonight... The yoga my. The place that has become my sanctuary, to check in, to check out, to reconnect. Tonight I reflected on he past few days. The second my most inspirational spirit in yoga suggested the intention for the class be, to embrace nd accept change, I knew immediately I had come to the right place.  Funny how you always get exactly what you need when you're open to hearing it...

just as anyone who is single will tell you, love doesn't come without heartache.  But it doesn't have to hurt forever, and it doesn't have to stop you from doing it again. None of the toughest situations to let go of is the one you can't resolve with peace.  It can be difficult to understand or accept the coldness or hurtful actions of someone you once cared so deeply for.  Their words and actions cut deeper than anyone's...

Just the other day I lived this again. I had hoped to have the mature conversation acknowledging a difference in needs and looking to leave things in a good light.  Sometimes that choice isn't going to be yours.  In this case, I had to ace the ugliness of a situation, and a very cold and heartless side of someone I'd once given my heart too.  I felt it all come back...the pain of the past, the shock, the denial, the anger.  The last time I'd gone rough this it took me a month to get through the pain. Good thing it prepared me for this one. So did the work of learning to love myself again these past few years. 

Here I am, just 24 hours later... I'm not going to lie, yesterday the cut was deep. The cold and abrupt behaviour of someone I still love, showing me less respect then someone they probably dislike in life...  I took a time out., and really let myself react and felt it the way I needed to.  Then, I began the work again.  Realizing the reaction did not reflect anything I had done. I do my best from day to day to be as aware as possible of my actions toward others.  It's the best way to end a day without guilt or a busy mind.  The same holds true for relationships. I did realize that the only resolution I could hope for I'm this situation would be the ability to walk away from the situation with the peace of mind that I had done what I could do to achieve peace and to not hurt this person back in retaliation. 

Sometimes, the only resolution you will get is the one you give yourself.  A key for me is to find gratitude and acceptance...for who a person is, for what they have brought to your life.  Sometimes even a soul mate is not meant to stay...one their purpose is served, we must let them go.  Today, I accept the way this situation concluded.  I am a better person for having known this individual and have grown so much in my journey through the relationship.  The only way to completely set myself free now, and him is to find forgiveness without an apology and a sincere gratefulness for their generosity of spirit.  

If you're struggling to let something or someone go, try sending your thoughts away with a kiss.  The positive energy you send, even toward someone who has hurt you will come back to you.  Sending negative thoughts or wishes often clouds your mind and draws negative energy back to you.  

Freedom comes from forgiveness, and sometimes "the hardest apology to accept, is the one you never got". 

Food for thought...f

Hanging by a Moment...Getting Present.

We often hear people say "you have to take the leap", referring to the chance, the opportunity to really give in to something without knowing the outcome.  Can we ever really know what's going to happen?

I spent the day today at Sick Kids hospital. Watching a little angel fight to breathe...something we do completely unconsciously.  I watched a respiratory monitor beep and flow from healthy levels to a warning that beeped "no patient output". In listening to the stories and seeing the hope and love that filled the rooms which otherwise were intimidating and scary.  The rooms oozed with potential for pain, yet overflowed with the warmth of love...from parents, family, friends, and even complete strangers.  My sister-in-law put it all into perspective "one minute she's great, but we don't know what the next minute holds. So we need to enjoy those minutes". I could write ten books with all the ways that can apply to life.  Instead, I sat in the minute.  My mind was clear, my heart open, hopeful but without expectation...If I had to sum it up I would say, I was suddenly VERY PRESENT.

The day was incredibly more uplifting and inspiring than I imagined it could be.  I have the faith that this little angel Allie, is a gift to the lives of so many already.  Her little life of only 3 weeks has been a struggle in almost every minute.  How much time and energy had I wasted struggling over things that weren't necessary...things that weren't relevant or present in this moment.  The what ifs...

Tonight I spoke to a friend. I saw all the pain and fear I'd felt at many points in my own journey.  The only words I could share, which would teach me something too, was the experience I'd had.  I realized in sharing my story that without it, without the pain along the way, I'd have never known the feeling that I'm looking for, I'd have never known or believed that I had already once taken the leap, and could do it again.  

I had once loved without question, without fear, without consequence.  I gave my heart whole-heartedly once and without question.  It was in those moments I felt the pure joy and warmth of love and all that it could be.  The relationship ended rather tragically with much heartbreak on both sides over circumstances that could not be changed. In the pain I vowed I'd never let that hurt happen again.  I cautiously exercised along that line in the next serious relationship.  Only tonight did I realize that I hadn't taken the real leap...BUT tonight I also realized I can do it again, and moreover, I want to... I can live in the moment and enjoy it, I'm ready to know that feeling again.  But you can't have love without a little pain... You can't have the highs in life if you aren't willing to also accept the lows.  You can choose a life of stable and mediocre feeling in life...that's easy.  But to feel, to be vulnerable enough to open up to what can be, and to be in that moment no matter which way it might go...that is quite possibly the hardest thing in the world,  that is true strength...

"There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find.  There's nothing in this world that can change my mind...just hanging by a moment..."  ~Hanging by a Moment, Lifehouse 

Riding the Wave...Good Vibes

The vibe just kept flowing, except by yesterday it no longer required effort...  the energy just continues to build, I am overflowing with an incredible warmth on the inside that has no where to go but to fuel the smile on my lips.  

Junior Friday in the city, I felt as though I'd settled into enjoying the new energy...I was in my flow.  Tired as I felt, I couldn't resist heading out late last evening for a last minute gathering of "the gaggle".  What a great night of spontaneous fun to celebrate another week coming to an end.   One of our usual hot spots on King West was hopping early, filled with its always eye-pleasing crowd.  More importantly, the positive vibe surrounded me.  Catching up with great friends and welcoming new faces into the mix.  The Law of Attraction in full force.

The smallness of the city was evident in the chance encounters with our party continuing to expand with people each of us knew coming to join.  It got so comfortable and busy, I started to assume anyone who spoke was a friend of a friend.  Perhaps that openness brought a conversation from a man in French who seemed shocked to realize I understood him perfectly, right up until I realized he knew no one, but just wanted to talk.  A mildly awkward moment as I had been speaking with Brandon, the friend of a friend whom I'd been introduced too a few moments earlier.  There it was...what started with a smile was seemingly expanding into natural conversations with strangers.  The Smile Project seems to be progressing beyond what I could have even imagined.  What a moment... Why do we work so hard when we can just let it come to us?

As the night progressed, one exhausted but happy girl. I passed up on the invitation to hit the next spot in need of a good nights sleep.  Brandon told me he had a crush and asked if he could buy me a drink sometime...we exchanged numbers.  My girlfriend who knew him through a friend leaned in and reminded me to stay open, whats the harm in a date?!?  I stepped out on to King Street after saying goodnight, and smiled sheepishly as I walked home.  The city is warming up :). Or is it me that is warming up?!?  Either way...it feels good.

Not only has something shifted, but it is spilling out into every area of my life again. Like the spring which awakens nature from it's sleep, the Smile Project has awakened the energy I'd misplaced for a while... I have reconnected with the real me again, and maybe even discovered a whole new me. Before today even got going, I receive a text from Brandon... Followed by a phone call a little later in the day. He wanted to see me.  Timing didn't work, but he threw some dates out for next week...

Within a few hours, I received a phone call from a professional private matchmaker telling me about a client that was interested in potentially meeting next week. Speechless and smiling, it's that universal signal theory... I think I'm just going to ride this wave for a while and see where the current takes me :)

Sitting in the office I felt myself and the team around me fighting the grumpiness of 4 days of rainfall and dreary weather.  No reason for the smile project not to extend.   I grabbed a colleague and we hit The Path determined to find some treats to put a smile on the faces of our team.  Some Prairie Girl Cupcakes and Rocky Mountain Chocolate and the team was back in business.  Better yet, this girl is smiling from head to toe... She's back!

"Right here, right now.  There is no other place I want to be..." ~ Right Here, Right Now,  Jesus Jones

The Shift...

I took to the mat last night, after a couple of very busy, very interesting days. An opportunity to centre, reflect and feel.  Tuesday was the blind date set up for Samantha. The four of us hit Reds in Toronto for a few hours of laughs and great conversation. By the time I crawled into bed however, something was unsettled within.  It was an opportunity to take my Yoga Practice off the mat...and I asked myself where the feeling was really coming from?  The dinner, or something it stirred up.  I sat in it, and the answers came.  I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep.

Wednesday was a brand new day, I felt different.  Whatever had been troubling me was gone, in fact, I think a lot of things were gone. Perhaps one of those damn growing pains :). By lunch, Samantha and I walked through The Path to one of my favourite go-to places when I didn't have a chance to make a healthy lunch.  We left early to try to beat the noon hour line up... no such luck, seems to be a favourite for a lot of people.  We stood in line and Samantha leaned in and steering my attention to a man waiting for his order.  I scanned my brain trying to remember, I knew his face... Had she dated him, had I dated him, did we know him, from where?  Alas, he was with the football players at Weslodge last week.  The smile project was still alive.  We locked eyes and smiled.  Once I'd paid for my order, something in me insisted on making conversation. Amazing...will we run into each other again between our King West neighbourhood and close offices... Exciting stuff.

As we giggled the whole way back to the office, something had changed.  I locked eyes and exchanged smiles with another handful of men.  What was going on?  Even Samantha couldn't resist but point it out.  We left work and with the rainy weather decided on a new route home walking underground as far as we could down King Street.  The attention continued.  Oddly I wasn't looking for it so much as noticing it.  Everything felt different, lighter, free-er.  Is it possible men can sense when a woman is truly open and available? The truth is, somewhere in the unsettledness the night before, my heart finally let go...accepted a situation that I thought I needed to resolve and truly opened to a world of new possibilities...and there they were.  Hard to ignore...especially as things transitioned from smiles to real verbal exchanges...who needs the Internet to meet people in this city!?!

Something had shifted...

A new approach, a new sense of optimism, and proof of possibility...I can hardly wait for another night to take the Smile Project to the streets, or hot spots, of Toronto.

Still smiling, looking forward to Junior Friday in the city.  

Standing in your Power...

Yesterday I tripped.  I got uncomfortable, those damn growing pains...  naturally inspired by the triggering of a recent soulmate. Yet less than 24 hours later, after sitting in it...I am amazed at how different I feel.  Calm, comfortable again, strong...I'm just fine.  I was resisting a change. I was working against the flow, not ready to take the leap of faith and just go with it. 

The challenge was an internal struggle between knowing that there was something I needed to do, and the fear of how that might turn out.  But alas, I am ready... To move forward I needed to face a very real change, a change in mind set, a change in perspective, a change in expectation, to once again let go...  Sometimes we hold on to things, feelings and people, a false sense of control when we're unsure of what lays ahead, the reality is holding on is keeping us back.  In my case, I was holding on to questions, afraid I might not like the answers. My time in Muskoka and my "trip" yesterday allowed me the chance to really work through my thoughts and feelings. To release some pain, resentment and unforgiveness that has been hiding inside me.  

Today, as my good friend Melissa calls it, I am standing in my power.  I am ready to resolve a situation that I've avoided really facing for a long time now.  My sense of self is continuing to evolve. In discussion with a friend tonight, and a colleague today, I was able to take a 40,000 foot view of how it is that I handle my career decisions so completely differently then my intimate life...and that strategy has served me well. More then strategy I think it comes down to a solid sense of who I am, and my value.  I have always known that professionally. I know it personally too :) I just needed to hear the right thing at the right time to step back and feel the switch...the little trigger inside that says "this feels different"...

Today I'm standing in my power...strong, hopeful, open, deserving.  I am living my life according to my values. I can put my head on my pillow every night knowing I gave the day my best. I was the best person I could be for today, and I get to wake up again tomorrow and keep expanding into a better version of myself. As my late grandfather often reminded me, "focus on the process, let the results take are of themselves". If there's one thing I can say, going back to getting lost again to find myself, my move to the city has really forced me for the first time in my life to just be in the day.  Each day has been filled with much newness...an amazing experience, a new lesson, new people, and the chance to discover another piece of me :) 

Every morning that I wake up and step out onto King Street to walk to work, I cant help but look up at the sky between the towering buildings, smile, and look forward to a brand new day... It's in that moment I am strong and proud of the journey that lead me here...and I stand in my power ❤

"I stared up at the sun, Thought of all the people, places and things I've loved...if I lose myself tonight"~One Republic

It was just a Trip...Shake it Out!

Just when you think you're getting it sorted out...you trip over your own shoelaces.  It hurts, it's frustrating, it's embarrassing...but I suppose that's how we all learn.  Perhaps the trip is the learning check point. A chance to realize you missed a step, and an adjustment is needed. 

Perhaps the trip is a gift... This trip would show me exactly where I am on my learning journey.  It hurt as bad as scraped knees or rug burn.  I managed to stir up some old uncomfortable emotions. Naturally it involved as my friend Samantha calls it, the one person that comes along and shakes you to the core. 

Now what? Now comes the hard part, the uncomfortable period of healing.  When the wound is sensitive and it's human nature to do anything to protect it. The danger is the desire to continue protecting it even once it has healed.  That said, when you trip...you have a choice, sit there and feel the pain, or get back up and make an adjustment, and keep on walking...there will always be a hand to help you up.  Reach for it when you need it, and get back on your feet.

"Shake it out...it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off...it's always darkest before the dawn" ~ Shake it Out, Florence +the Machine