We often hear people say "you have to take the leap", referring to the chance, the opportunity to really give in to something without knowing the outcome. Can we ever really know what's going to happen?
I spent the day today at Sick Kids hospital. Watching a little angel fight to breathe...something we do completely unconsciously. I watched a respiratory monitor beep and flow from healthy levels to a warning that beeped "no patient output". In listening to the stories and seeing the hope and love that filled the rooms which otherwise were intimidating and scary. The rooms oozed with potential for pain, yet overflowed with the warmth of love...from parents, family, friends, and even complete strangers. My sister-in-law put it all into perspective "one minute she's great, but we don't know what the next minute holds. So we need to enjoy those minutes". I could write ten books with all the ways that can apply to life. Instead, I sat in the minute. My mind was clear, my heart open, hopeful but without expectation...If I had to sum it up I would say, I was suddenly VERY PRESENT.
The day was incredibly more uplifting and inspiring than I imagined it could be. I have the faith that this little angel Allie, is a gift to the lives of so many already. Her little life of only 3 weeks has been a struggle in almost every minute. How much time and energy had I wasted struggling over things that weren't necessary...things that weren't relevant or present in this moment. The what ifs...
Tonight I spoke to a friend. I saw all the pain and fear I'd felt at many points in my own journey. The only words I could share, which would teach me something too, was the experience I'd had. I realized in sharing my story that without it, without the pain along the way, I'd have never known the feeling that I'm looking for, I'd have never known or believed that I had already once taken the leap, and could do it again.
I had once loved without question, without fear, without consequence. I gave my heart whole-heartedly once and without question. It was in those moments I felt the pure joy and warmth of love and all that it could be. The relationship ended rather tragically with much heartbreak on both sides over circumstances that could not be changed. In the pain I vowed I'd never let that hurt happen again. I cautiously exercised along that line in the next serious relationship. Only tonight did I realize that I hadn't taken the real leap...BUT tonight I also realized I can do it again, and moreover, I want to... I can live in the moment and enjoy it, I'm ready to know that feeling again. But you can't have love without a little pain... You can't have the highs in life if you aren't willing to also accept the lows. You can choose a life of stable and mediocre feeling in life...that's easy. But to feel, to be vulnerable enough to open up to what can be, and to be in that moment no matter which way it might go...that is quite possibly the hardest thing in the world, that is true strength...
"There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find. There's nothing in this world that can change my mind...just hanging by a moment..." ~Hanging by a Moment, Lifehouse
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