The Best Gift of All

Tonight I met my long time best friend for dinner. She flew home from San Francisco for the Holidays. We see each other on average about twice a year, and pick up right where we left off. After more than 20 years of friendship, we can read each other inside out and backwards. We have seen it all, lived through it all and even when our paths have travelled great lengths apart, we always end up together.

Tonight at dinner she slipped an envelope across the table, and wished me a Merry Christmas. We stopped doing big gifts years ago as we have lived in different cities, and in most years different countries for the past 12 years.  I opened the envelope, and knew without reading it was something VERY big... in it was an official job announcement. She had already moved home 4 days ago and kept the whole thing under wraps from everyone, including me. She couldn't wait to surprise me. I am still stunned. It is a dream come true. We have always laughed and joked about the day we would live in the same city.  Moment after moment we shared our plans for the year, all the things we ever dreamed of doing together but had not yet had the chance. I could barely digest the news.

Sitting back a few hours after receiving what might simply be the best gift a girl could ask for, I can only smile. Something's never change. The things that matter most cannot be bought. They are the people, the moments, the memories. My best friend and I have transformed, and now come back together. We are both successful in our careers and personal lives, and still single. We have never felt alone though although at one point we lived as far apart as Canada and Costa Rica.

With the holidays approaching, I  continue hearing from single's alike how much they struggle to get through the holidays. I get it... I have skipped Christmas Dinners, and cried on New Years Eve. I have also realized that those were wasted moments, as my life has always been filled with the things that mattered. I've just gotten so narrowly focused at time's on the things I wanted to focus on and lost sight of the things I needed and the things that mattered. Welcome the love from the people around you. There is so much love, so many people who would give their world to make yours happy. Don't miss the gifts that are right in front of you, those are the most precious, freely given, and valuable gifts in life.

I am so grateful, happy and certain that life is coming together, and so far it has far exceeded anything I had ever planned or imagined! Embrace the magic of the season!

Embracing Fear in Order to Grow

I've always melted for clichés in life. I am amused every time they prove themselves true. One saying that has been prevalent in my life these past few weeks is the idea of doing something everyday that scares you. The growth that comes out of these experiences is really life changing. From the change in mindset to the sense of mastery, once you have done something that truly scares you and you are given the proof that the fear was never really real. Is there anything more freeing or incredible feeling than understanding that?
 
The past few weeks have been scary for me. I have finally committed to a major project and there is no backing down now. Every single day I have awaken to a new fear. One by one, I am facing them. At the end of each day I sit in amazement at what I was able to do. It's the old rip it off like a band-aid approach. The longer I give myself to sit and think on something the more likely I can freak myself out, talk myself out of it, or come up with the perfect excuse for why I can't do it. So... I've gotten into the habit of embracing those fears. So much so, that when the opportunity presented itself about a week ago, I agreed without thinking to do a television interview. Well, here I am the night before, and it is probably one of the few things I have never dreamed of doing. But... I know in 24 hours from now I will be sitting in this very spot smiling that I did it, and it is not as bad as the noise in my head.

So here I am, and openly sharing with you that tomorrow scares the hell out of me!!! However, I am not willing to worry about it for now. Whatever you face, just know there is nothing you can't manage to do for an hour. Go for it... embrace your challenges :) Stay tuned!
 

Surrendering to Things Beyond our Control, Snow Storm Toronto

There is something so magical about a great snow storm in this city. It's as if a blanket of quiet is laid upon the city. It has this undervalued ability to wipe out the expectations of every day life. Extending time lines, an acceptable excuse to change or cancel plans, to arrive late. It is as if it removes the biggest stress of city living by leveling the playing field and creating a community of people bounded by the same limitation. It is almost refreshing.

The city takes on a beautiful glow of calmness not ordinarily felt. I had the chance to spend some time today looking out on the world. Living in the heart of King West, the frenzy of the world lasts every day all day into the wee hours of the morning. Today was a welcomed opportunity to just sit back and let go of the need to keep up.

I enjoyed the chance to spend some time indoors writing. Warm and cozy in the quiet of my condo, watching the snow fall. King Street much quieter than usual. No honking horns, or people yelling. I ventured to meet friends in the café on the corner. Everyone was in a melancholic state. No where to rush off to, no desire to get busy with the usual errands. It's as if the city just took the day off to be still.

Amazing how we can become so caught up in life and miss the opportunity to purely enjoy a moment. I love storms for this reason. They force I to slow down. Let go of expectations. Surrender to the forces and things that are out of our control. No honking the horn to make the driver ahead move faster, no racing to meet deadlines, or stressing over someone late to lunch. Just at peace that there are factors outside of our control. Imagine how much less stressed we would experience if we could acknowledge this every day?

The Wonder & Awe of Seeing Life for the First Time...Catching Snowflakes

I set out for CrossFit. The wind swept my first breath away the second I stepped out onto King Street downtown Toronto. The chill in the air stung my skin, an abrupt reminder that winter is here. I adjusted, and for a moment escaped in my mind to embrace the warmth and softness of the cashmere scarf I’d pulled up over my chin. The snow fell softly as I stood waiting to cross at one of the busiest intersections in the city. I noticed people all around me rushing to escape the cold.

For a moment, I just stood still. I couldn’t help but smile as the snow gently tickled my cheeks, a rhythm of its’ own, despite the chaos and frenzy of traffic and people all around me. I could help but stick out my tongue to catch a snowflake, and then giggled at the feeling of being a child again just for a moment. Not a care in the world. It felt SO GOOD. I couldn’t help but smile the rest of the way. It occurred to me how so often I am so far ahead or behind of the moment in my thoughts that I miss the chance to enjoy such simple and beautiful wonders. Like how peaceful the world can seem when it snows, a reminder of the miracles of everyday life that surround us.

In that moment, an intense sensation of warmth flowed through my body. Never in a million years did I picture my life as it is today. Pretty awesome! In a quick reality check as I heard a car honking at the next intersection, it dawned on me how much stress we face when we cannot stay present in a moment.

What if we could learn to see through the eyes of our inner child again? To experience the world as it happens, with wonder and awe. To be inspired, surprised and delighted by the things around us every day. To let go of the need to anticipate, prepare, plan or escape this moment. Right here, right now, no matter what or who is on your mind, everything is ok. A child embraces life as it comes. Reacting authentically to every situation. No need to apply past experience, seeing everything for the first time.

Everything we see actually is for the first time. We simply choose to apply our past experiences to everything that comes instead of sitting back and simply observing life as it unfold before us, knowing nothing is like anything we’ve ever experienced before. We are free to explore and judge everything for the first time.

Surviving the Holiday Season as a Single

“I can’t believe YOU are still single?!??” There they are the words that sink a ship in a single person’s world.  Up until now life has been great, free, fun and full.  You’ve lived a life most would give anything for. Done everything you wanted, went places, slept late, snuck out early, watched the sunrise, ate breakfast at 3am, indulged in random dinners, last minute getaways and shopping sprees. You even looked forward to the holidays. Then arrived at the party, someone pointed out the obvious – you are still single. No big deal. Followed by the sucker punch, “You’re too good of a catch to be single, why are you single? I’m sure you will meet someone soon”. Suddenly, you yourself question why you are single, maybe it is you. Suddenly, being single seems like a curse, a poor soul waiting to be rescued by love.

When did living a great life become defined and tied to relationship status?  Having spent the greater part of my life in relationships, I remember more moments of loneliness in the wrong relationships then I’ve had in the past three years of single life.  

With the holidays approaching we are bombarded with images of the “perfect Holiday”. Life’s unwritten playbook cleverly painting a vision of what it means to be happy at the Holidays. Images of couples gazing lovingly at each other; the quintessential family made up of mom and dad and their two perfect children; the advertisements for the perfect gifts for him or her. It’s everywhere, the unwritten vision of a perfect life.

Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. The warm glow of the fireplace, family scattered around the room, candles and twinkling lights, delicious smells, smiles, and traditions. It was a magical time of year, until I spent my first Holiday Season alone. No “plus one” for the holiday parties.  No one to snuggle up beside by the fireplace on Christmas Eve.  No one to sleep in with and share breakfast in bed on a lazy day off.

That Christmas Eve started out great, catching up with family who had come home for the holidays. We sat to dinner, my sister and I laughing and reminiscing. Before diving into the feast before us, Mom shared her usual words of gratitude and prayer; grateful everyone made it home safely, blessed for the food on the table, great family and friends, and may Jackie find love… what? I almost choked on the lump that quickly formed in my throat.  I fell quickly into the easy trap of being victim to my circumstance.

In hindsight, and 2 additional Holiday Seasons single, the sinking feeling and sadness had nothing to do with my relationship status. Anyone can have a relationship if they want to. There is always someone who would be happy to be with you.  Therefore, being single is a choice. Is everyone who is in a relationship truly happy?

Happiness is a mindset. For those brave enough to embrace life as it is in any moment with or without a significant other, there is infinite opportunity. Through my own heartache I have learned, that the pain and dread we feel is ultimately within our control. There is very little in life more painful than a broken heart. There is a cure. However, it doesn’t come in an easy to swallow format – it’s called presence.  What we feel is the pain of a shattering dream, the vision of how life was supposed to be. No one actually knows how it will be. We just imagined how we wanted it to be. When things turn out differently, we are disappointed.  We resist being present in the moment. We look back to a moment that passed, than forward as a little voice inside points out it won’t be the same again. That hurts. Why doesn’t that same voice finish its sentence with, “...it will be better?”

The ability to change our thoughts gives us the power to change our lives. Life will continue to unfold regardless of whether you think about it or not. The holidays will come and go year after year.  Why work so hard. Let go of the vision of “what it should” look or feel like and embrace what is.  The pain and fear are resistance to the possibility of outcomes we can never know for certain.

The holiday season is no doubt an emotionally taxing time of year, especially for singles.  It can be easier. My father once told me to imagine life as two roads. They both ultimately end in the same place. One is bumpy, one is smooth. The beauty is, you get to choose which road to be on, and you get to switch back and forth as many times as you like. Which road would you choose?

That bumpy road is the road full of expectations. Disappointment cannot arise unless we had a benchmark in our head for what we expected. The holidays offer such a unique opportunity to explore what will happen when we release expectations and leave room for the unexpected.  Watch a child this Holiday Season, the marvel, the wonder, the magic. A child is free, present in every moment, unaware and uninterested in guessing all the possible outcomes of the future. Fully alive and deeply immersed in the experience of everything they feel in a given moment.  If you watch, you know exactly how they are feeling. From intense joy, anger, upset, or delight.  They are living in the moment, continually amazed as life unfolds before them. They are on the smooth road.  They openly receive the love and possibility around them.

This Holiday let your inner child out. Being single is a gift of limited responsibility for pleasing anyone but yourself. Celebrate being single. After all, it is your choice! Forget the rules. Don’t wait around to see how the holidays will turn out, full of dread of anticipation of what will happen. Wake up each day, and notice how you feel. Call the shots. Live in the moment. Host a last minute party for all of your single friends and the people in your life who make you feel amazing. Stay up late, sleep in. Make yourself breakfast in bed. Start your own traditions. Loneliness and singleness are not the same thing. Be alive and present this Holiday Season. Sit back and enjoy the Holidays and the endless opportunities and engagements that will come your way when you are open to them. Live it up. Write your own rules. Let your inner child embrace the magic.

Beyond the walls...lays endless possibility

Life has an amazing way of bringing you things you never dreamed of. The only catch... you have to be willing to let go of things that are holding the space that it wants to fill for you.

I recently made a personal resolution to put a situation to peace in my heart and soul, and truly let it go. It's always easy to hold on to things. It gives us a false sense of control, and calms the fear that if we don't hold on, something will slip away. The reality in life is, there is very little we have the power to hold onto. Life only guarantees one thing, change.

As humans who experience life through our feelings, change is a living breathing threat to the life we are conditioned to live. We have grown an averse reaction to discomfort to the point that we build invisible boxes around our world. Falsely believing that we have the power to control our environment so as to keep things stable and comfortable.  I recently read a piece that spoke of a dog with an invisible fence. What if that dog could learn to tolerate the discomfort of his electronic collar? What if it realized that the collar itself has no power to actually harm it? The world would then be open to his hearts content.

We choose to sit within our own boundaries more often then not in life. We build invisible walls and boundaries, lay rules and expectations in a futile effort to create certainty, therefore comfort. While this certainly can still produce a happy life, what if it could have been happier?

The same can be said for love. What if we could learn to embrace the discomfort of vulnerability. To break down the invisible walls which represent the unwritten rules about love? Open our hearts and know that there is a limitless potential to fill ourselves with love if only we will step outside our comfort zone...

In life, we take the same steps when we let go of the things we hold onto because they are familiar, comfortable. The jobs that weigh us down, but guarantee us income, the relationship that keeps us company but doesn't fulfill us. What if we could take a step and peak beyond the electric fence, let go of the discomfort of the fear of whether or not we will succeed or find what we are looking for. What if we stopped trying to figure out what that is altogether and instead embraced and experienced everything with the awe and wonder of a child who bravely faces everything as a first without fear or apprehension.

Let's get uncomfortable and see beyond the walls of what we already know and explore the wonder of what we have yet to discover.

Clearing the Steam to See in the Mirror

I’ve always heard the expression that people come into your life to reflect parts of yourself you may not be familiar with. Things you like, things you don’t like. A glimpse of who you really are behind the layers of expectations you have and you fulfill. We’ve come to exist in a world that subliminally teaches us everything we believe. How we should feel, what we should like, what life and love should be.  The mirror gets steamed up pretty quickly with images of the “perfect life” the “perfect person”.

I have been blessed with the gift of many mirrors in my life. People who have joined me on various parts of my journey, every one left footprints on my heart and truly left me changed. Awakened.
Most recently I had the chance to spend a weekend with a friend who has been in my life for a few years now.  With this person, I have always been able to be me. I have shared my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my fears, my pain.  I have called him in tears over my heart break and confusion in life, my fears and moments when life has overwhelmed me. For the longest time I felt sad that it always seemed to be me who was benefitting from this friendship. Today my friend thanked me. He felt he had been the one to gain. More importantly, he shared all the reasons he adores me. The most incredible thing has happened. He described my soul. Words I’d never heard. A reflection of what I put out to the world when I am just being me.
Another reminder of how much simpler and happier life can be when I find the strength to stand naked in my own skin before a world that cleverly convinces me to wear a million masks. My heart is full tonight with gratitude for the years of practice and enlightenment, encouragement, strength and love this friendship has brought my life.

I have spent so many years looking for love to come from specific places. But it has been all around me all along. I just haven’t been brave enough to let it in…to clear the steam and look directly in the mirror.

Surrender to a life more perfect than any plan!

In a recent CrossFit session, the coach made an interesting point that keeps resonating with me, especially this week.  He pointed out how technique for some of the more complicated movements actually improves as a person gets tired. Basically, the body becomes more efficient instinctively recruiting the right muscles to get the job done when the mind has given up on the ones it recruits.

It's been quite the few months for me. I took an incredible opportunity with my company. One that in four months has seen me the busiest I've ever been in life. Between the mentally demanding nature of my job, and the physcially demanding nature of the travel required, I suddenly found myself exhausted from all the other things that had been so much apart of my life. The overthinking, the worry, the planning. I suddenly no longer had time for any of it. Oddly, this was a gift. The chance to reprioritize my life and the people in it. I have never in my life appreciated just how precious time is, until I suddenly found myself without any. Without any effort my life began to realign itself, it became simple and clear where my values and priorities lay. My energy naturally shifted to the things that I needed.

I have become inherently more effective in so many areas of my life. I took up CrossFit two months ago to meet my need to focus on health, fitness and strength. I am happiest and most complete when I feel that my body can do anything. It lends to my mental well being, and my overall ability to function as the best possible version of myself.  With that, the value I place on my friendships has also realigned, my desire and commitment to dating and what I'm looking for has shifted. I am satisfied.  I am happy. I am complete. It's as though I've finally fatigued from trying, and have shifted to autopilot. My heart and mind now carry me in the best possible way to the best possible situations.

I surrendered, and just as in the past, every time I do, amazing things I could have never dreamed of have made their way into my life.  My eyes and heart are wide open to everything coming. I continue to put energy in the places I can control, but spend much less fighting the rest. People have come and gone from my life, and in most situations I am happily satisfied with the gift or lesson they've brought to my life.

I ran into a friend I haven't seen since highschool (about 15 years ago) as we crossed an intersection in Downtown Toronto in opposite directions. We are an hour from where we both met and grew up. She asked me about my writing. She brought me another sign. I met another long time friend for coffee to talk about song writing. And just last night, I met the person who is without question the person I need to really get my book project into action.

Today, I'm fatigued by the inefficient way I've been living my life. In surrendering to that fatigue, my life is now leading me in the right direction without my input. I feel like things are really lining up... eeeeee! I'm excited and scared, but feel like I'm on the verge of another major shift.

Surrender...to a more perfect living than any you could have planned for.

Yes, I shop the way I love. Feel it...

Yesterday I set out to shop. I took the day off work, and was so grateful after a hectic few months of travel and life to have a day to myself. I love walking around this city. Despite the chill in the air, I enjoyed the warmth and softness of the cashmere scarf I tucked under my jacket. I had no place to be, and no plan in mind. I stepped out onto King Street West and couldn't help but smile. It's days like this that my heart believes the whole world is waiting at my door step.

A friend called while I was walking. He wanted to share a moment of clarity in his life. I absolutely love when people do this. It lifts me in some unexplainable way. I'm genuinely happy when people, including me, discover how finding your truth means finding true happiness.  It's an honest release from the weight of holding on to anything that isn't for you.

He asked what I was shopping for. I told him I had no idea, I was going to shop with my heart and buy whatever gave me that feeling... but it was probably going to be a day of big finds, because that's when I find it. He laughed, he always reminds me how my sense of blind hope and optimism in the unknown is refreshing. What he doesn't know, if that I got more from that conversation with him than he did. I hung up smiling, feeling a little more love for myself too.

I walked in and out of store after store. Little things inspired me, but I was looking for something much bigger. At last I walked into a designer shoe store. The first thought that bubbled up, I hope I don't find anything here, it's more than I want to spend.  Before I realized it, I was drawn into the store, and that thought had fleed my mind faster than it had entered.

I picked up a beautiful shoe, brushed my fingers over the soft material, lost in my thoughts, I barely noticed the woman who had approached me. "Are you looking for something particular today? Is there anything I can help you find?". It took me a second to collect my thoughts. I crinkled my nose, searching for an answer, logic told me I was supposed to give her a list. Nope. Couldn't find the list. I continued to stare at the shoe in my hand, then a smile stole my cheeks. "Nothing at the moment. I'm looking for a feeling, I'll know it when I find it". I put the shoe back on the shelf, turned, looked into her eyes and said "I'm looking to fall in love", I blinked, smiled and shot her a look that could only say you know what I mean?!  She nodded, almost speechless, smiled back at me and sighed. She knew exactly what I meant.

I'm not looking for a list. I know that even if I had one, it wouldn't guarantee I'd fall in love. I'm looking for that item, the one that no matter what, I will have to have.  I've never regretted a purchase yet, only the ones I left behind. Still thinking of those Purple Ferragamo's I found at an airport boutique when logic told me not to spend that on a pair of shoes...

Your heart won't mislead you, and it doesn't need a list. Feel it...

My Kryptonite...

I had dinner with a girlfriend last night who was telling me about a repeat offender in her life. A popular theme in discussions with many of my single friends these days. That one person, your kryptonite. They hold an unexplainable magnetic force over you, you can’t resist. They have the power to rock you to the core. They can lift you and break you in the same moment. They are the text you can’t ignore no matter what you are doing or what has happened between you before. The one your gut tells you is all wrong, but your heart longs for. The one you love and hate in the same breath. They are everything you want, and everything you don’t want in one body. You are completely vulnerable to your kryptonite.

My girlfriend beat herself up for falling back into the feelings she once had with her repeat offender. Walking down the road she'd seen three times before, feeling ashamed, hurt, and upset all over again. In that moment, it occurred to me, and I had to admit to her honestly. Despite everything that has happened, and how badly I felt hurt by my own Kryptonite, I’m not sure I would have the strength to ignore this person if I heard from him again. At first I wondered if this was a flaw, a weakness.  I'm fortunate to be in a position that I know without a doubt I will not contact him again. I don’t know what the future holds. For the moment, it is not likely that I will have to worry about facing this situation. The truth is, I may always hold a soft spot and ache in my heart for the love that I felt for that person. 

I can’t beat myself up. My kryptonite pulled me in five times. I learned the same lesson over and over, and although I know the truth today, and I don't like it, that person will always have a place in my heart just not in my life.  To me, this is now a strength.  I can let go in love. They say true love is unconditional. Even if mine was not the kind movies are made of. We are not meant to be together, in fact, we are best far apart. That said, despite the hurt and anger I experienced toward him, the characteristics I would never respect in any person, he still holds a place in my heart and mind.  I somehow managed to love this person beyond all faults...

“Sometimes the strongest women are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors & fight battles that nobody knows about”

I can now admit with full clarity and honesty that he is my weakness. Knowing your weakest point is your strength. Living conscious of your weakspots can restore your power. You may not be able to resist your kryptonite, but knowing that is what this person is for you can help you make more conscious decisions about how to handle every choice you make in their presence. 

An Article that Says it All - Our Crystal Palace

I came across this article that I think hits all the key points in life, love and vulnerability. It certainly made me think of the opportunities in life that have come and gone. More importantly, of how I want to handle those that are yet to come... food for thought, I hope this moves you too! Enjoy :)

Our crystal palace ~ Seth Godin

Thanks to technology, (relative) peace and historic levels of prosperity, we've turned our culture into a crystal palace, a gleaming edifice that needs to be perfected and polished more than it is appreciated.

We waste our days whining over slight imperfections (the nuts in first class aren't warm, the subway isn't cool enough, the vaccine leaves a bump on our arm for two hours) instead of seeing the modern miracles all around us. That last thing that went horribly wrong, that ruined everything, that led to a spat or tears or reciminations--if you put it on a t-shirt and wore it in public, how would it feel? "My iPhone died in the middle of the 8th inning because my wife didn't charge it and I couldn't take a picture of the home run from our box seats!"

Worse, we're losing our ability to engage with situations that might not have outcomes shiny enough or risk-free enough to belong in the palace. By insulating ourselves from perceived risk, from people and places that might not like us, appreciate us or guarantee us a smooth ride, we spend our day in a prison we've built for ourself.

Shiny, but hardly nurturing.

So, we ban things from airplanes not because they are dangerous, but because they frighten us. We avoid writing, or sales calls, or inventing or performing or engaging not because we can't do it, but because it might not work. We don't interact with strange ideas, new cuisines or people who share different values because those interactions might make us uncomfortable...

Funny looking tomatoes, people who don't look like us, interactions where we might not get a yes...

Growth is messy and dangerous. Life is messy and dangerous. When we insist on a guarantee, an ever-increasing standard in everything we measure and a Hollywood ending, we get none of those.

Perfectly Imperfect...that's what makes us beautiful

I’m a total girl, and proud of it! The best part of dating is meeting a total stranger and getting the chance to truly explore who you really are. I had a laugh to myself tonight while texting a guy I’ve never met. I laughed to my friend Samantha and said, let’s see if I can scare him away in 10 texts. The truth was, I could care less if I did. I was just being me. Sometimes me is a little cliché, but I’m totally cool with it, so too bad.

I love a good chick flick! The hopeless romantic type where the guy always gets the girl. I jump out of my seat during intense scenes in a thriller, and yes, I cover my eyes during fight scenes or anything that involves pain. But I’m also that girl who will throw herself to the ground to catch the line drive, wipe out on my road bike and get back up to finish the last 25km. I’ll find the strength to build the desk that Staples suggests takes two to build. I bought my living room furniture for the man I haven’t yet met to cuddle me during movies on Sundays.

There are days the most beautiful pieces of clothing I own can’t make me feel beautiful, and days I feel sexiest in my flip flops and a baseball cap. I like nice cars, but don’t care if you have one, unless I get to drive it. I walked 11 stories in 4” heels and a dress during a fire alarm and emerged with a smile and slight glow to greet the fireman at the bottom on my way out for the night.

I’ve broken all the rules I’ve ever learned about life. I’ve loved too fast, played too hard to get. I’ve held out, I’ve gone too far.  I’ve tried too hard, and sometimes not enough. I’ve looked to hard, and other times closed my eyes to what was right in front of me. I’ve overthought, and acted without thinking. I’ve said the right things at the wrong times, and the wrong things at the right times. I’ve messed up, I’ve said I’m sorry. I’ve forgiven the unforgiveable, and probably done the unforgiveable along the way too.

I’ve been what everyone else wants, and I’ve been what I want too. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that I am perfectly imperfect, and I accept that.  You win some, you lose some. The only person that matters in the end, is you. Did you live by your own values, or someone else’s? Did you live your dream, or someone else’s? Are you doing what you want, or what someone else would approve of?

Live the life of your dreams.  Life is messy, that’s what makes it beautiful.

Make Some Space for YOU!

Today I woke up, made myself breakfast in bed, hit CrossFit, bought groceries, did three loads of laundry including bedding, cleaned the exterior floor ceiling windows that make up the entire back wall of my condo, cleaned the bathroom top to bottom, made plans for tonight, made myself lunch, and stopped long enough to reflect and realize… when you make space for yourself in life, it is simply amazing what can be accomplished. It’s exactly 3pm as I sit to write this, and that was a hell of a productive day. Oh, and there is more to come. I have plenty of time to sweep the floors, pain my nails, and sit out on the balcony to catch some sun, all before my friends arrive for an evening out in the city.

Life is short, so we are always reminded. It’s true. Yet, it is so easy to fill it up with things less meaningful – people who zap you of your energy, relationships that have no future, mind numbing activities that activities that keep us distracted  from our purpose.  I’m definitely the first one to say all things in moderation. In recent weeks, I’ve taken a backseat to be more of a passive participant and observer of my own life.  For a while I felt myself burning out, but couldn’t figure out for the life of me what was happening.

My life was so full. It was exactly as I wanted it to be. Except it wasn’t full with the things that actually mattered to ME. In fact, I’m not even convinced I knew what mattered to me anymore. I did it all, wined and dined with all kinds of different social circles, dated what felt like half of a small town, hosted parties, expanded my friendship circle… I was in. In on the coolest places, parties, and people. In recent months after taking on greater responsibility with work, settling into my new life in the city, and a few life disappointments, I decided it was time to STOP. Slow down. Reconnect with me.

All around me were people doing exactly what I was doing. So was I copying them or were they following my lead? Holding on to ridiculous and unhealthy relationships. Wasting precious moments on mind-numbing things that really only kept me away from moving toward my purpose.

Now I have the choice, to participate more or less in anything. To make decisions one day at a time, one activity at a time. To do the things I want to do. Well, truth is, I always did. I just never sat still long enough to check back in with myself and understand what those things were.  Make some space.  You will be amazed at what you find that fills it naturally. Fall in love with the life that was meant for you, not the one you build to please everyone else, or to avoid trying to figure out what it is that YOU want. Make space for new things to enter your life.

Reliving a Beautiful Goodbye...

Today I received a text from a girlfriend who ran into Jason (the first love of my life and greatest heartache) while travelling on business. They actually live in the same city which made the whole situation a bit uncanny.  But hey, I’ve always said there’s something to be said for timing. 

This is the first time since I last saw Jason, before he moved out west in April 2011, that any of my circle have had contact with him. Although he since moved back to the GTA, I have never seen him since. For a moment today, I had the chance to reflect.  Images of the last time I saw him were as clear as if It was happening again.

I sat on the island in the kitchen of my old place. In my white lulu lemon shorts and pink T-shirt that smelled like him. He had stopped by before leaving to drive out west (he was relocating).  We spent several hours together, more connected than ever in the year we’d known each other. We both bared our souls that night. Funny how much easier it is to be honest when you have nothing left to lose.  As he was saying goodbye, I couldn’t hold myself back any longer – the tears poured down my cheeks.

I’ll never forget the warmth that came from his beautiful blue eyes as he took my chin in his hand, gently wiped the tears from my cheek. He looked me in the eyes, and told me he believed I deserved better and that someday I would understand all of this.  He wrapped his arms around me lifting me off the counter and into his arms. I completely let go, my whole body shook as I sobbed into the side of his neck.  I’d never cried in front of him, and I didn’t care, I couldn’t hold it back.  I remember the song that was playing on the radio “Till now, I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone…” (Alyssa Reid, Alone Again).  The words made me angry, everything hurt. 

I know he was fighting back his own tears. After letting me go, he turned and left quickly. The last I remember of him was the side of his face as he disappeared into the hallway. I was completely numb. Although I wanted to believe with everything in me that he would come back, I knew in my heart that was the last time I would ever see him.

Today, as the whole scene played back in my head, the tears came just as they did that day, I realized something new. Although they are still painful, my tears today were of pure gratitude and love. Jason loved me. The truth did come out months later, when I was ready to hear it. In the end, I can only be grateful for the love I felt while he was in my life, and for the strength he had to do what was right for both of us.  Letting me go was a gift to me. My life was not cut out for the things he faced.   At the time, I could not see how that might have been best for me. Today, I would go through it all again even knowing it would end in the most painful goodbye I’ve ever had to say. 

Jason was a gift in my life. A person who was with me only for a season, who taught me much about what I wanted, and what I deserved.  But seasons change…  

Perhaps today was a chance to relive the memory change the perspective of it from one of hurt and sadness, to gratefulness and love.

LATEST ARTICLE: The Naked Truth: Finding Strength and Love in Vulnerability

Grateful and thrilled to have been published again today on ThePurpleFig.com  Check out my latest article about finding strength in vulnerability.

Sure heartache sucks, but knowing what it might feel like to love someone so much you wouldn't want to lose them is a pretty powerful thing.  Enjoy!

http://www.thepurplefig.com/the-naked-truth-finding-strength-and-love-in-vulnerability/

F$&% the rules... what's in your heart?

Today I’m irritated. These past few days my thoughts have been whirling around all the unwritten “rules” that seem to exist about dating and love.  I listen to women all around me dishing out advice, I’m guilty of the same. Articles, books, and seminars dedicated to the “how to’s” of dating and relationships, and worse “how to catch him”. Yet, if you’ve ever spoken to someone who has truly found love, they would simply tell you “you will just know”, “it will be easy”.

This brings me to a simple conclusion. F$%& the rules!  There is no right or wrong. There is no too soon, too fast/slow. The only rule that should exist in my mind is the one that says honour what is in your heart first.  How? Build your own life before you try to welcome another to it. If you are standing steady on your own two feet with a life that you are happy with, when you are enough with or without a partner in your life, you are ready for love. As much as you don’t want to hear this, you are also ready to survive potential heart break, you can’t have one without the risk of the other. If you always stand on the side lines, how will you ever know what you’re capable of?

At some point in my 32 year existence, I have done it all. Been the tough girl, sweet girl, crazy girl, confident girl, insecure girl. I played by the rules 1) don’t let him know how you feel too soon 2) play hard to get 3) find someone who loves you more 4) the list goes on, and on, and on…  I have also been the cliché 1) Fallen too fast 2) Loved him more than he loved me 3) made myself available at the drop of a hat 4) kept room in my schedule “just in case” 5) been the pleaser 6) shall I go on?

At the end of the day, the one thing I have learned – love might be the only thing in the world that is not so black and white. Rules don’t allow the kind of flexibility required.  Love is both the riskiest, most dangerous, truly satisfying, heart filling emotion in the world. Get fired, disqualified, unfriended, not hired, not picked for the team - you name it, it hurts the ego but such is life and another opportunity is around the world. Put your heart on the line, and there is risk of a whole different kind of ache. One that even the strongest would question their ability to survive.  But I have, and you can.

Build the kind of life you always dreamed of for yourself. Then protect it by following your heart. A life that is pretty awesome as it is will allow you the patience to wait for a person deserving enough to join your journey, and only add value to what you already have. It does not eliminate the risk of pain, but it ensures you will survive it. 

The choice is yours. You can play dating games, sit on the side lines, or settle for a consolation prize. Or you can let your heart lead you. Listen to your inner voice.  Love out loud. In every moment ask yourself what makes you happy, and do it!  Let go of the need to predict results.  Whatever the outcome, the next action is your choice anyway. The power is yours.

When I played the game, I sat in uncertain situations longer necessary  - I feared not getting what I wanted. Reality is, whether I asked the question after a month or a year, the answer was going to be the same. The hurt however was worse after so much time invested.

Far from perfect, the greatest lesson I learned is that what hurt me more than rejection was  betraying myself to follow the rules of society, and allowing fear of pain to keep me from speaking my truth.   Living in that uncertainty hurt more. Doing things I really didn’t want to do, hurt more. Feeling crazy on the inside and unable to express myself, hurt more. Unlearning how to freely express what I felt, hurt more.  Nothing in life is guaranteed. Walk in with the upside in mind, and know that whatever the outcome you CAN handle it. More importantly, what you do next, is your choice!  You have power over your life. Forget the rules. Love out loud.

New Article: How Letting Go of the 'Perfect Life' Has Changed My Life

Very excited and grateful for the chance to share again.  Please check out my latest article published today on www.thepurplefig.com

Check it out:

http://www.thepurplefig.com/how-letting-go-of-the-perfect-life-changed-my-life/

All signs pointing to...

When the signs line up...

There always seems to be days I wonder what my purpose is, or if I'm even close to being on the right path.  Then there are the days, I know it, without a shadow of a doubt, the universe is guiding me back to my custom designed path.  It fits me in all the right places.  It's my flow. That place where I'm happy, inspired, passionate and alive.  

This week was again another busy one. I took off early Monday on business, and found myself riding the highs of my passion in my career.  To lead others to their own answers.  The job I accepted a few months ago, was custom fit for me. Not sure how it happened, but for the first time in a few years, I'm exactly where I want to be.  After 3 straight days of meetings, I landed 2 invitations to a prestigious fine chefs event in the city I was visiting.  Could the week be any more perfectly fit to ME?!?

I flew back to Toronto Thursday afternoon.  Immediately upon landing I hit a wall. I'd pushed my mind and body over the edge.  For whatever reason, I got home and instead of fighting it, crawled into bed for a 2 hour nap.  When I woke up, groggy and sluggish, I decided it was time for some fresh air and a good mind clearing. I put all thoughts of work aside and went for a run. Running is my natural high.  Although I was certain when I landed in Toronto that my day was done... Here I was refreshed, renewed,reenergized.  

A few texts and calls later and my girlfriends were on route.  The Toronto international Film Festival was at my doorstep in King West, and just as any single girl would do, I wasn't about to miss the festivities.  A quick gathering and we set off without plans down King Street.  One stop after another, and our night carried us right through the doors of the opening party for "the right kind of wrong". Surrounded by the cast and crew, we were right at home.  I'm not sure how this keeps happening, but without plans, I'm seriously having the time of my life.

We made our way down to the usual spot to finish our night. There he was, my crush crossed the floor for a hug and kiss.  I couldn't help but smile. I still wanted nothing more than to simply enjoy soaking up the attention and feeling the excitement build inside me when I saw him.  An incredible night, I watched my friends effortlessly put #thesmileproject into action. This was bliss. 

Better yet, I received 2 calls to action to write again... If I ever needed a sign :)

Embracing the moment, not the analysis of it.

Embracing Change

What a week it's been. My life long best friend returned to visit from the west coast. Amazing how your connection with some is so strong that no matter what time passes, or what life throws at you, you just pick right back up where you left off.  The old adage that the people and things that are meant to stay in your life will, you won't need to fight for that to happen.  My best friend and I took ourselves on a date night to ONE Restaurant in Yorkville.  Despite our most fabulous people watching seats on the patio at the kickoff to Toronto International Film Festival, it's as though we were sitting in the basement of her moms house where we spent all waking hours talking, laughing, and sharing dreams.  We were engrossed, completely present, and happy.

As life would have it, I had set plans for dinner at an amazing restaurant where I landed a prime time reservation during Film Festival the next evening. After a last minute cancellation and a million faltering plans, I decided to embrace the idea that it wasn't meant to be that evening,  it was just too forced.  Interestingly, a theory I've really been applying to so much of my life lately.  I just knew, it wasn't going to happen.  Rather than fight it with continued attempts to make last minute plans, I resorted to spending a quiet night alone, knowing my next few weeks would be insane. I called and ordered takeout from my local favourite restaurant. A friend called, she was going to a workshop in the city and asked me to join.  I declined but offered her to park in my building and to reconnect after for a drink.

I walked down to the parking lot to let my friend in, no make-up, jeans a tshirt and flip flops, something in me understood everything had perfectly lined itself up. I threw my hands up and agreed to go to the seminar.  We picked up my takeout which was conveniently around the corner!?!  It was just meant to be.  The workshop that night was about speaking your truth, standing in your power, embracing all that you already are,being present, and the incredible power within each of us to manifest everything we want in our lives when we are willing to surrender to our true self.  Sounds easy right? Until you start asking yourself the tough questions about what you currently hold as your truth. Is the vision you have of life really yours? Or have you been programmed by the life, experience and people that have brought you to this point.  Have you really taken the time to reach within and ask what it is that your heart desires?

In a 2 hour call with my best friend again tonight, we laughed and reminisced about the plans and visions we had of our perfect lives.  We reflected on how much holding onto those visions as our truth has led to disappointment.  We questioned ourselves and each other about something as simple as whether or not we even believed marriage is what we see as the utmost value in our futures or if that is the idea we have been raised with, and if a loving and committed relationship could suffice? The reality is, whatever that answer is today, may not be our truth tomorrow...would it all be happier and easier if we cold simply embrace the moment as every cliche and quote suggests, and accept that change is the truth. We are not the same person we were from one moment to the next, we continue to grow and expand into higher versions of ourselves, with new wisdom, experience and visions. What was true for us yesterday may not be true for us today. 

Perhaps holding on to yesterday's truth is the root of today's disappointment. If it really is all about perspective, Shakespeare had it right:

"There is nothing either good or bad. But thinking makes it so"

Embrace the moment, not the analysis of it 😊

Smile...It Really Can Change Your Life #thesmileproject

This past week I had the chance to revisit an old experiment that came about after a number of dates and the joys of the online-dating experience.  After several dates with emotionally unavailable types, and in general more pen pals than any working professional has time for, I took to the streets of Toronto with some of my best single friends to test the power of a smile. The project really has become a game changer.

This past week, with several opportunities to test the theory, some incredible research was completed. With a gaggle of girlfriends we hit the king west area Thursday night to play.  A girlfriend tested her first smile and we learned a few things. Firstly, how hard and awkward it can be the first few times.  However therein was the lesson...a simple smile can be the building blocks to restoring self-esteem, confidence, and even self-love.  If smiling at an object of potential affection. Is difficult, start with just another person, a child, a senior, a member of the same or opposite sex.  There is a natural serotonin boost that comes from sending good vibes, and even more so when it is returned.  More interestingly, we learned that a smile that is not genuine does not have the same effect...work  to the real thing if you are comfortable with it yet.

The other piece that came as a confidence builder was to not just make eye contact, but hold it for a quick second, and whatever you do, do not look down right after.  Hold your head high, adjust your gaze back in front of you. We're not going for the creepy stare here :). But, looking down right after is a sign of low confidence. Next time you try this, be conscious of what you do or feel right after you make eye contact and smile.  I have caught myself initially looking down. Sometimes you just fake it till you make it right? 

You can build yourself back up, and build up someone else with such a simple gesture. Even if you don't know it, that very smile might have been everything to someone else. This week I extended my own good energy from a simple smile to passing my paid for parking voucher to a stranger at the ticket machine. She was shocked, I was thrilled that it brought a warmth over her when she realized what I was doing.  Thursday night, I approached a woman in a bar to tell her how hot she looked in her dress.  She literally almost cried and thanked me for saying so, she'd been self-conscious about her selection and really appreciated the compliment, and more so coming from another female who had nothing to gain from saying so.

The best part, all of the actions on my part were given with expectation of nothing. But what I got back was far beyond what I could have imagined :) it warmed my heart, and heed me stand a little taller with my own joy.

"Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world" 

A Long Date With Myself

I did me this week...

It's a busy world, life always gets in the way of life... Work, family, friends, commitments.  Too often this always been a really great excuse for avoiding me, my life. My basic needs.

There is always something in my mind that I just haven't had the chance to sit and process. Sometimes because I'm not ready to, sometimes because I don't want to face it. You name the reason... The reality is burying and avoiding things is not the same as letting them go.

I took this past week off.  The first full week of my single life that wasn't filled with a thousand commitments better known as distractions. For the first time in my life, I took complete enjoyment in the lack of responsibility to anyone or anything but myself.  I slept in, worked out, blogged, tweeted, deactivated Facebook... I cancelled all of the ideas I had in my head about how I would spend my week and just went with the flow. For many this might seem logical, for me, this would normally have been an impossible feat! I literally did not respond to one work email, and finally spent more time alone then with people.

Every day was a clean slate.  A year ago this would have terrified me.  All that time alone? For the first time in my life, I just did me. I feel like I was meeting the real me for the first time... I had the space and quiet to listen, to feel, to follow my flow.  From sleeping in late, breakfast in bed, lunch dates, gym dates, random coffee dates, a visit to an art studio, spontaneous and exceptionally late nights out in the city, to killing a hangover by the swimming pool, meeting a pile of new friends, and even a couple of new crushes. I feel like I got way more out of the week then I could have either imagined or planned.  And the best part, I loved every minute... Time to clear my thoughts, my heart, my agenda... 

Incredible things happened.  New friends, new interests, renewed perspective, peace, business opportunities, keys to new places in this city. I even found peace in my heart for a person I had been so angry with and hurt by. There really is something to be said for letting go... For me, it was the chance to fall in love with myself and my life, just as it is today ❤

"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens" ~Mandy Hale

So cheap with love, so generous with money?

I recently read an article that spoke about love as an infinite and bottomless source of energy. The piece that hit me was that, if this is true, why are we as humans more stingy with giving or spending our love than our money? Food for thought. 

I've spoken to many around similar topics, and hear a common roadblock for giving love is both the fear and the experience of not getting it back. Fair enough, that is a basic human need. What if we could shift our perspective and think that maybe we are getting it back, just not from where WE have focused our awareness lens.  Love is all around us. If we are giving it only to get  it, then is the love we are giving real?  Are we missing out on the chance to receive love by only looking at where we want It to come from?  

What about your dog wagging its tail...Your mom checking in...your coworker admiring the way you handled something...the girl/guy who is secretly adoring your smile...the stranger on the street who would trade anything to have your hair or shoes...the person who would change all their plans just to get an hour of your time...What if you could hear the unspoken words of the universe for just one day to understand? Unfortunately, you can't. How you shape your perspective around it is your choice. 

My father once described life to me as 2 parallel roads. They ultimately lead to the exact same place, one is rocky, one is smooth...and you can choose between them everyday. Which do you choose? Which are you on? Do you want to take the cutover to the other road? 

A true gift is one that is given without expectation of return. I may not have all the money in the world to give, but I want to be the most generous person I can...as I work to open my perspective I believe I will discover where my endless supply of love is coming from. And receive it with a new sense of gratitude.

Today, I will start with a smile... #thesmileproject

Embracing the Single Life, Still Smiling :)

It's been a few months! A busy few months, of doing everything and anything my single heart desires this summer.  Between a new role at work, travel for work, travel for fun and just plain fun...it's been an amazing adventure this summer.  The best part is realizing I'm completely free to make choices as I go. I lived so much of my life with a plan.  In hindsight, it really only limited me from the endless opportunities that probably came and went. 

With a focus on friends and an open heart, I have met more people experienced more moments that took my breath away, and really just haven't stopped more than long enough to acknowledge, I have a pretty sweet life right now.  Why was I so focused on finding someone?  Why was I afraid to go into a weekend without a plan? To avoid vacation time alone? 

My weeks have flowed, from one to the next. From spontaneous trips to the cottage, boating events, random nights out on the town, dinners at some of the hottest spots in the city, some incredible dates. Pinch me?!?!? Has this summer been real?  

The Smile Project has continued to open my world to possibilities that I'd never known.  The simple act of generously and genuinely passing good vibes through the offer of a SMILE has literally changed my life.  I began the smile project to disprove the theory that the reason so many women are single is because a man won't approach them.  There was half truth to the theory.  That women were intimidating to men, and vice versa (yes my male friends have tested the theory too) except it wasn't for the reasons we all thought.  It's not because you're too beautiful, or too strong, or that the other didn't have courage, and online was the cowards way.  It's because nothing about you was open!!!  We have been taught to be bitches, to look like we don't care about a thing, to look like we've got it all going on.  Guess what, the opposite sex has believed our act and followed accordingly.  If you're busy wi your face in your phone, walking like you're on a mission, stone faced so your poker opponent won't know what's on your mind, you've just told the world, don't mess with me...don't be surprised when they don't. 

I literally asked 3 different men, on 3 different dates why they choose online.  Every one of them gave me the same answer...women in this city are not approachable.  Let's face it, there are few fears greater for humans than the fear of rejection. Crush the fear, and show some warmth :). They're looking at you...tell them you're open to talking.  In fact, say hello!

Clarity was the gift I was denying

The little voice inside is always right. Despite finding the answer I always dreaded, for some odd reason, I feel relieved.  I feel reconnected with myself.  I was in love with someone who I also felt so much fear with. It's been a year and a half, and for one of the first times in my life I had become incredibly insecure, fearful. I couldn't put a finger on it.  Naturally uncertainty is a small part of all relationships, but this kind was not within reason.

Just as John Lennon says "Let it be...there will be an answer, let it be", there was.  I'm sad that my fear was right, but feel relieved to know it wasn't unwarranted, it was real, and after months of questioning myself, I'm thanking myself today.

Sometimes, in vulnerability, trusting ourselves becomes the hardest thing. Love isn't always logical. We don't get to turn it off and on.  Emotional pain is often as destructive nod sometimes more painful than physical pain.  The only other lesson I learned from this was that I could avoid the truth for as long as I wanted, but it wouldn't make the truth go away...

Today the sun is shining, and I understand.  Clarity is the gift I was denying