Receiving Love...A Mind Bender

After an amazing weekend, I crawled into bed completely exhausted last night. As I began to drift, a text from Matt lit up my phone. I long help but smile at the unexpected hello.  I hadn't thought too my, nor had he chance to connect. The incredible piece about things with Matt is our pact for no holds barred honesty. This leaves us both open to saying, doing me asking anything of each other. To be honest, I've enjoyed the test of myself. 

There is something not only refreshing but also incredibly attractive about. Person who is comfortable enough to say exactly what is on his mind unfiltered. Unfortunately and fortunately I fell asleep in the middle of our conversation. When I awoke this morning, his last reply brought a smile to  my face and I already knew the day was off to a great start. I replied and apologized for passing out. Instantly he replied, and the conversation continued without skipping a beat. He was thinking about me, and the time we spent together last week. I couldn't help but blush at his words, all smiles. Our pact forced me to resist the urge to get shy. 

This was the kind of communication and comfort I'd craved, but resisted so man times before. Now, with a clean slate as far as dating is concerned, is a chance for me to get comfortable once again with that openness. It feels amazing! Games, dishonesty and hurt had shut this down on me for a while. Then the need to work so hard at keeping the wrong relationships together. Here I am, finally so comfortable and consumed with my own life that I am consciously able to put the games and people who aren't right or ready behind me.

Here are to more soulmates, Benjamin and Matt, with precious gifts to give my life. Oddly, the piece that has been the greatest struggle is receiving... Giving has never been an issue. In a great discussion today, Matt challenged me with questions I might have shied away from, especially after the flood of compliments he shared with me. Yet, our platform of honesty made them easier to take, and the discomfort of the questions quick to dissipate. His questions were not to put me on the spot more than for him to know that he offers something to me that "ranks him among the top prospects in my life". He would be perfectly happy to work for his spot knowing he met the criteria.

Hmm...that gives me a lot to think about. My entire approach to dating these past few years was poorly focused...stay tuned as I bend my brain around that one.

Riding the Moments...

I've met my Aidan... Maybe two of them as a matter of fact.  My week ended on an amazing note, and one I hardly anticipated. Matt flew back to Atlanta, yet wanted to stay in the city.  I've known him for a year and ever thought much more of him then the fact that he was an attractive and successful guy.  A few years younger then me, I'd written off the thought, also because Chris has held my heart.  For the first time however, the openness to Matt was exactly what I needed. Maybe it was new or maybe for once I was receptive o it, but I started to feel and notice some very attractive traits in Matt that I'd not seen before. He is charming, giving, warm, sweet and truly chivalrous, yet I'd always guarded my thoughts against his good looks, athletic body, and smooth intelligent conversation. What I discovered kind of shocked and intrigued me.  He revealed in an intimate conversation that he'd wanted to kiss me or a year, but never thought I'd ever be interested in him. Huh? The vibe?

By the time he'd left I felt satisfied, excited and renewed in some indescribable way.  He'd awoken something inside me. His thoughtful and flattering texts, his longing to curl up beside me for a movie, the way he'd call out of the blue, his smile bursting through the phone with a "hello gorgeous". He made me smile from the inside out. I knew he wanted to o bak, yet I felt no urgency to lock down plans. Now, this was a new feeling. I enjoyed that, and feel content in his absence to just continue to enjoy the flashbacks of moments...namely the look in his eyes when he sat beside me smiling from ear to ear with nothing to say, his blue eyes gleaming, sending a wave of warmth through my body that triggered a smile on my  face. There was nothing to say, and that was perfectly ok.

Then there was Benjamin. It had been a couple weeks since we connected.  He wanted to see me Saturday, but I'd made plans for my good friend Kelly to visit me in the city for the night.  Not sure how or why, but before I knew it, I'd offered him to join us for a drink, which wound up in an invitation for him and a single friend to join us for dinner.  Benjamin, ever the gentleman, and his friend picked Kelly and I up and off we went to the Local Kitchen and Wine Bar in Parkdale. A small restaurant setting just 22 people. The vibe was amazing.  A few bottles of wine and a cocktail later, we were lost in conversation.  Benjamin is very good at saying what he thinks, which I adore, yet makes me blush.  Just one course into dinner he leaned in pulling my chair closer to his and whispered in my ear, "how long until I can kiss you tonight?"  The blood warmed my cheeks, I was blushing yet completely enthral led by his forward approach.  I would have gotten up and dragged him out of the restaurant that minute, but the teasing of his hand on my thigh and whispers in my ear, challenged me to sit back and enjoy the tension.  This was the intimacy I'd wanted with a person. The kind that extended way beyond the moments in a bedroom. The kind that builds attraction.

I was engrossed in every moment of the evening, relaxed, present, and truly enjoying myself. We made our way to The Drake, where Samantha joined the party.  Samantha and Kelly connected immediately. I sat back for a second to check in with myself. Everything was perfect. There wasn't a detail I would change. I was I the moment, for adored, felt happy, intrigued, sexy, and just generally connected to the moments around me.  We continued our crawl back to King West. On our last stop, the vibe had caught Samantha, who was within moments of visual contact being seduced by a French Moroccan.  For once, my wing woman had fallen under her own spell. I was delighted, almost giddy for her. Meanwhile, Benjamin did his thing working the room as social as he is, yet I felt his eyes on me. While in conversation with a group of beautiful women, he stepped toward me, grabbed my hand, pulled me into his arms and planted a long soft kiss on my lips.  The feeling was electric. Not one to be claimed, I couldn't help but succumb to he feeling of being the most beautiful woman in the room. All that before I found myself over Benjamin's shoulder being carried down King Street. What a night... 

Could I feel more content with my life just as it is? For a brief second it occurred to me that I didn't want to be involved exclusively with anyone, I am in my flow. Then I found myself snapping back to, and realized I'd gotten ahead of the moment. Right now, I am exactly where I want to be. Until anything changes, I'm along for the ride, eat. Lovely rid this is ❤ 

A Visitor...Cuddle-fulfilled at Last

By Monday evening, I was done, relaxed, tired, satisfied, happily ready to sleep and get the week started. Just as I crawled into bed I received a text from Matt. He was enroute to catch his flight to Toronto and wanting to know which days I would be available to see him while he was in town. I left my schedule open...replied and drifted to sleep.

I woke up to a text at 2am, he was here. This was probably the most excited I'd ever been in the year we'd known each other, as friends.  Again first thing Tuesday Matt wanted to see me that night. After very long days, we agreed to a relaxed night in with Netflix. Our friendship had always been built in brute honesty. We had pledged to each other from the very beginning to always say exactly what was on our minds. Matt was exactly what I needed in recent weeks to practice pushing my comfort zone again in the intimate world.  I had locked up with Chris...something triggered and I had become unjustifiably afraid to communicate honestly from the gut with him.  Likely due to the strong feelings I have for him. Unfortunately, the challenge of the situation and inability I felt for either of us to be open and honest with each other left the whole situation unresolved and in a rather uncomfortable state.

So here it was. Matt came over. The vibe between us was different. He always knew about the men in my life, and knew quite a bit about my feelings for Chris.  But that was now behind me...the situation completely out of my hands. Matt now stood in front of me. A very attractive, successful and mature man.  Someone who seemed to speak with authority, yet had a soft, caring and chivalrous side. It seemed so natural although a first to cuddle up together on the couch and watch a movie.  It had been a while since I'd shared that intimacy with someone.  Curling up with a movie had always been a favourite for me, and something that had never existed in my marriage.  I melted into Matt's arms. I was present, warm, small, and beautiful.  The best part, I knew I didn't need Matt and would be just fine when it came time for him to leave. That night I had to finally ask him to leave. He claimed to want to "steal every moment together" that he could. By 2am, I was smiling and exhausted

Wednesday was the slowest day! 4 hours of sleep was just not enough, but I was smiling. Ben was home and back online.  After surviving the day and a great workout, I felt like I was back on track.  Samantha was back in town from Miami, and we were invited to visit a friend at Weslodge. We laughed and caught up, Samantha had quite the adventure in Miami. We swapped long weekend stories and shared some apps at the bar. Matt was exhausted from a long day but wanted to see me again. I met him after. He stayed the night. Both exhausted, I curled up into him and we both passed out.  I hadn't felt the satisfaction of falling asleep in the comfort of someone's arms since Jason. It felt amazing.  I woke up to a back rub. Matt kissed me on the forehead and left for work. I fell back asleep for an hour, happy.

In recent weeks not only had I begun to truly enjoy the freedom of being single, but I have even questioned whether or not I really am cut out for a relationship.  Matt's closeness definitely reminded me that I am 100% cut out for a relationship.  I'm just not in a rush to get there anymore.  And between Matt and Mike and several recent experiences, I've also decided that what I want and will be willing to settle for in a relationship in the future is so very different from that which I've settled for in the past.  Although, not a day goes by the my heart doesn't remind me of its feelings for Chris.  I remind myself day after day that what will be will be...I may not always get what I want, but I can rest faithful in that I will always get what I need.

Beach, Ice Cream and Insight...

Despite having originally planned to had north for the weekend, I was happy to have stayed in the city.  Monday morning started with an amazing 10km run down the waterfront with Jenny.  We beat our last run, and enjoyed good conversation and the warmth of the sun on our backs as we ran. Music in my ears, the burn in my lungs and thighs...my happy place. Funny now a good run while exhausting leaves me in the best mood and excited for the day.  After a quick shower, I thought I might catch up on some chores then enjoy some quiet time on the waterfront. 

While I was making breakfast Mike called. He was bored. On a whim I invited him to join me on the waterfront.  He had a better idea.  30 mi uses later he picked me up, brought me a tea and we were enroute to The Beach. As you might expect, the entire community was busting at the seams with locals getting out to enjoy the weather and a day on the beach. We parked and walked a good 20 minutes before claiming our spot in the sand. We sprawled on our towels in the sun, and found time slipping away as we were engrossed in Great conversation.  Mike is a stable guy with a solid sense of himself and a balanced sense of generosity and self-preservation. I'm always fascinated by his insights and stories.  We both felt relaxed. There were no clocks in sight.

Fortunately Mike and I operate on the same 3-4 hour food windows, we found our way back to the bustling Queen Street East in search of a patio and a late lunch.  Conversation continued.  I always find myself contemplating my goals and future after hearing Mike's stories of rags to riches to rags to riches. He has seen it all.  His life has humbled him, yet continues to drive him to maintain his success.  He values people and taught me a thing or two that afternoon about what people do for people they care about.  

Before we could call it a day, no beach day could be complete without some ice cream. We found a Marble Slab a few blocks down, and marvelled in our first experience at the ice creamery, watching them mix incredible concoctions of ice cream and candy right before our eyes.  We indulged. The day was complete.

I had much to consider about the things I wanted in life, especially where a relationship was concerned.  I concluded the day with a sense of fullness, worthiness, and optimism. Initially I dreaded the thought of spending a long weekend in the city...but this one was everything I could have asked for. And a welcome break from the chaos of my dating life :)

The Perfect Sunday...Adventures Abound in the City

Why not kickoff the Sunday of the first long weekend of summer season with my all time fave –brunch date!  After an amazing leg workout and refresh, I slipped on a new top, ripped capris and flip flops, oh yes, flip flops make me a happy girl.  I slipped out the door and walked a good 30 minutes to the north west end to meet a bestie for brunch at a new hot spot, Saving Grace.  As I approached, I was excited to see a crowd spilling out onto the street, I knew it had to be the place.  One of my all time passions, discovering the many restaurant gems in the city.  Saving Grace had only 24 seats, and had recently received some press.  Brunch is easy. Everyone just is who they are.  There is always a refreshing sense of casualness, the pretentious vanity of Saturday nights exchanged for comfortable clothes, messy ponytails and flip flops.  

My girlfriend arrived. The sun was shining, the weather was perfect, and despite the almost hour long wait, no one seemed to mind.  The wait was well worth it.  Incredible food, and great conversation, we lost ourselves in the moment, catching up on all that had unfolded in life in recent months.  I was in my happy place, an amazing new spot, best friend, great food, and no timelines.  We finished brunch and grabbed a tea and made our way to Trinity Bellwoods. It seemed everyone had the right idea, the park was filled with people enjoying the first stretch of great weather to sit in the park.  After a few hours of sun and chat, we parted ways and walked home.

I got home and threw on a new bikini and found my spot in the sun on my balcony.  Some music and my thoughts and before I knew it I had drifted off to a far away place. The sun stung my cheeks, and warmed my body.  I can't explain it,  but I was so completely satisfied and happy.  Ben who'd gone away on a golf adventure with friends for the weekend had been in touch all weekend.  The random texts made me smile.  Matt, also messaged and would be in town for the week...hmmm. I smiled, life is full.

Sunday evening a girlfriend popped over, we had reservations with a group that grew from 3 to 6 people that evening.  When Charlotte arrived with a bottle of prosecco, the night was ready to begin.  We caught up over a glass of bubbly while I changed. Excited for the warm evening and new summer colours I settled on some white jeans and a bright pink tank. We hopped in a cab and met our group at Playa Cabana Cantina. A hole in the wall new hot spot in the junction.  It was all that and more! Our group of 6 was engrossed in fun conversation with overflowing pitchers of margaritas and great Mexican food.  What a perfect night...good the day really have been any better?  We laughed and joked And teased each other.  Everyone felt the energy as we decided to find our way back to King West, a whole new adventure awaited the 6 of us on the subway.  The rest of the world had somehow over the course of the evening faded out of our consciousness.  

The subway and streetcar let us out right in front of my door.  We decided to carry on the evening and fun at my place.  A few additional friends joined.  The best part of the people I've come to know in the city... Everyone just seems to fit together so naturally. 

Life in the city has taught me to go with the flow... Plans seem to  be something of the past in my world...an adventure is ever imminent in this world.

An Ex, Hint of Summer, and Finding Routine Again

I spent a good portion of Saturday with my ex.  We had always been best friends, now with good time and distance behind us we have been able to keep a loose friendship together.  it was an interesting day to ponder the peace i feel with the situation.  We are two great people who just didn't belong together beyond a friendship. He is still the kind of person who would drop anything for me, money, time, plans, yet there would always be that special something missing. The passion was never there.  It's nice to have the decision behind me and still feel so clear and satisfied with the outcome. Amazing how easy life is when situations are resolved.  As he had done many years ago, my ex was one of my best shopping companions, helping me pick out some new rags for summer at my favourite boutique in Burlington, Joelle's.  a few bills later and I was ready for summer to start! Insure do miss having someone to shop with...

Saturday night I ventured back into the city. A long weekend and some gorgeous weather, I met some friends at the Sky Lounge rooftop patio at The Drake hotel.  The excitement of summer was in the air. I was determined to have a weekend to myself full of friends and fun no dates or time committed outside of friends.  For a moment, the world floated around me as I stood in my new dress and favourite Kors sandals...I am so excited for summer, the clothes, the shoes, the fun, the laid back outdoor activities.  Satisfied by midnight I disappeared back onto Queen Street West and took a taxi home.  I crawled into bed and was looking forward to a good nights rest.  If there's one thing I learned about city life so far, it never stops from Monday to Friday.  I can't say I've figured out what keeps people running at that pace...

Is it the single search for companionship, the genuine craving of the vibe? Whatever it is, I still crave my downtime...some quiet, some time alone.  

Sunday I woke up, super stoked for the amazing weather and busy day I had planned. I rolled out of bed and without blinking had brushed my teeth and skipped out the door to the gym around the corner.  I finally found a GoodLife location around the corner, a former Extreme Fitness rebranded.  Routine is finally coming together for me again, over 3 months after moving downtown.  I lost myself in a good old fashioned leg workout.  Drenched in sweat, exhausted, sore, yet somehow pumped full of natural adrenaline I made my way home to get the day underway :)

Dancing in the Rain...

At last, a little of that me time that I crave these days. It has been an overwhelming week between work and play, I must say the universe has been especially generous.  Perhaps it's the extra room being made as I have continued to let go of the things that have tied up space in my heart and mind.  Between the weekend and another week full of surprises, I'm beginning to see the things I've wished or manifesting themselves... 

Between an amazing few dates last weekend, a week full of friends and spontaneous fun, I even received a call from Matt, someone I'd me a year and a half ago. We have been great friends, and have labelled each other our "best dinner date". Matt always plans a night to take me to dinner while in the city. Lately he has not had reason to be here so it's been. Few months. Which never seems like an issue. Lately he has been in touch almost daily, although he had no upcoming plans to be in the city.  The other day he asked me to pick a day of him t fly up and take me to dinner next week. Here's a busy guy who travels the world but can still make a date... I like it.  Should be an interesting week ahead.

Ben whom I spent a good night with last weekend has been in touch all week. It almost seems ironic... I am in my groove and happy with the way my life is right now. Just 3 months ago, all I wanted was to give my all to the person who had touched my heart the deepest, he didn't want it. It was the mere thought of that very rejection that prevented me from really being me. Yet, I am more stable and happy now then ever. I finally spoke my truth and let go of all the things I was afraid to say. Suddenly, my truth seems to be pouring out in every area of my life, and, amazing things are happening... I wouldn't have believed anyone who would have told me I wasn't being me, until now.  

Before I was waiting for the storm to pass, now I think I'm finally learning to dance in the rain...what a refreshing experience. 

Some women aren't meant to be tamed...

The shift, the smile project, the move to the city...falling in love, losing love...I really can't put a finger on what's happening right now...I can only say I truly love my life just the way it is.  Sure there is someone for whom I might consider changing it, but that situation is outside of my grasp for the moment.  In the meantime, life has truly tossed some incredible opportunities at me.  It's kinda full...and fun!

I used to plan my weeks just to make sure they were full. It occurred to me this weekend when Ben asked me how my week was shaping up that I had really stopped planning when I moved to the city.  Life here has been so different. Perhaps exactly what I need at this point in my life, and I may be settling into it...  Plans or no plans, my weeks are full. Full of fun, adventure, new people, new stories, new places. Sure I have my moments, there is a small place inside me that still holds on to something that is missing. Yet, I can't help but feel the need to pinch myself most other times, so much that just seems to good to be real. Invites, events, random dates, lots of time with many different groups of friends, I no longer need to make anything happen, it's happening all by itself. In fact, I almost prefer to keep the weeks open just to see where they go.

The pieces all seem to be fitting exactly where they need to for the time being.  Work continues to present new and exciting opportunities I never see coming. Friends have me on the yes list, and together we're eating up opportunities to get out in the city and just BE. Dating... Well, who knew it could be so fun?!?  Maybe a little too much fun these days...??? Im beginning to think I'm not meant to be in a relationship right now, maybe just maybe, I don't even want to be in one.  Yikes...did those words just come out of my mouth?

I am more free and spontaneous then I remembered after living such a cautiously planned, timed and controlled life. The next question, where will I find someone who wants to run free through this world with me? 

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with" ~ Carrie Bradshaw 

Just posted... checkout The Purple Fig (www.thepurplefig.com)

I wanted to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for sharing in my journey around the world :).  I have been blessed to find company, comfort and healing through this blog and the many who've come into my life.  Samantha recently introduced me to the Editor of The Purple Fig - an online Blogazine for Real Women by Real Women. 

I am thrilled to share that my story was published today and hope you will take a moment to check it out.

http://www.thepurplefig.com/the-gift-of-heartbreak-and-opening-myself-up-for-deeper-love/

One grateful girl... living, learning, loving! <3

An unexpected adventure...feeling alive

Last night was a whirlwind in the city.  I agreed to me Ben for a drink before his dinner reservation with friends.  It was only 5 min from where I lived and I'd hoped to use the rest of the night to relax, clean and get some sleep...little did I know what the night had in store.

We met at Weslodge and had a great conversation. His dinner was around the corner at Patria. Before we realized the time, his friends had stumbled into Weslodge thinking it was Patria.  We stayed for another round, as I planned to head out, Ben pulled me close and whispered in my ear not to go...he asked me to join for dinner.  It was sweet and his friends were fun...so I agreed.  

Dinner was amazing.  Although I'd been at Patria only a few nights prior, the restaurant still managed to deliver an extraordinary experience. The adventurous side of Ben removed all of our menus and gave the server free reign to surprise us.  One dish after another appeared at the table.  Conversation flowed, his friends were amazing, it felt like a group I'd known.  As dinner wound down, Ben leaned over, and made his next request more publicly, offering me the choice to call it a night or join them for a tour of the west end nightlife.  Then revoked the choice and announced we were heading to the next destination.  Without blinking an eye the bill had been taken care of, and we were whisked into a taxi to Queen West.  A friend was djing at a local spot.  The music was old but familiar and a glance around the room, and I noticed though most people were my age, every person who walked through the door burst into full out song as the music of a generation before us blared on the speakers.  It was easy, fun, refreshing.  Barely finished our round we were back in a cab and on our way back to King West.  

We arrived at the Thompson shortly after midnight, the bar was lined up down the street. Ben did his thing and we were on our way to the rooftop to share the view of the city aglow.  We laughed and danced and admired the variety around the room. Every shape, size and status surrounded us.  Another round down, I was ready to quit... We stepped out into the rain.  We were all in a great mood as we decided to make one last stop at a whole in the wall on King West.  The bar was packed...it was sloppy hour.  There was a loving sense around the room as we all watched the "hungry eyes" sizing up their last chance to grab onto someone before the evening ended.  The music again hit the spot.  Some amazing tunes with great energy.  Before I knew it Ben had swept me up jumping and danci, leadi me around the small space available to us.  The group of us were sweating, laughing and singing at the top of our lungs.  And here I'd planned to wash my floors tonight...

As the night wound down, Ben walked me home. It was a night I never saw coming, yet every corner we turned was full of fun, great people, chivalry and no expectation.  I felt alive...although it was clear this would not be a restful weekend as I finally called it a night around 4am. 

But, I was all smiles :)

To be honest I've never appreciated my singleness as much as I do right now...I'm not sure I'm going to be ready to give that up for a while. Hmmm...

Breaking Rules...a whole new kinda crazy ;)

The best part about being single and having amazing and experienced friends is having great people to laugh with and share the ridiculousness that is me :). I've never really been one for rules in life, preferring to march to my own beat, but it always fascinates me when I learn I've broken one of many cardinal unwritten rules in life.  Last night was just another one to add to the list...

Last night I joined Samantha and Stanford for a local party at Everleigh. A chill night with some old school tunes and the many stakeholders in the king west nightlife scene.  Samantha slipped into the usual wing woman zone and before I knew it had me chatting up with Matt an entrepreneur in town from Vancouver.  Good looking, established and an air of edge that always draws me in.  An unusual night as I found Matt walking me home from the party.  Yet something just didn't sit right with me...and before I knew it I was sending Matt packing back to his hotel.  He begged to stay, trying to negotiate even. In the moment, I was annoyed and wanting nothing more then to call it a night. Alas he agreed to leave only after taking down my number.  I climbed into bed and naturally had to fill Samantha in by text. Now I was laughing at myself and the events of the evening...maybe this was a whole new level of crazy.  Lol. I didn't care...my heart and mind were tied up on someone else.  

I called Deanne who was in L.A. To fill her I'm as we'd been chatting before I left for Everleigh.  True to fashion, Deanne laughed hysterically shocked at what I'd done.  She is always my source for the cardinal rules of dating and laid it flat out that I'd broken every code.  I was laughing too. I didn't care about the rules, I acted on my feelings and that was that.  More entertaining then that...I received a text from Matt who was boarding his flight back to Vancouver. He wanted to keep in touch and connect on his next trip...??? Apparently the crazier you are and less you care the more attractive you become!?! There you go again...so counterintuitive. Not a wonder why so many remain single for so long.  

Is there really anyone out there who can say they know all the rules of engagement, who writes the rules anyway!?! Lol

Blue suit, brown shoes...got my eye...

I've always found a man wearing a navy suit with crisp white and blue striped shirt and classic brown shoes very attractive...until I moved into the city.  I noticed in the past few weeks it seems every many between 25-45 is wearing just that.  I giggled out loud when I passed 3 men walking together wearing almost the exact same thing... It occurred to me that at least it made it easier.  I no longer have to do the once over, the only difference at a glance was height, size and face.  I caught myself daydreaming at lunch when I went to pick up a salad.  The man in front of me was wearing the "financial district uniform" of blue with brown shoes.  But even before he turned around, something about the way the jacket fit his broad shoulders kinda had me smouldering already.

I still get a kick every time a friend points out a man and says "omg, he's so your type". It's impossible not to get a silent thrill when I think to myself, nah, not really.  How is it that something that should in theory be s easy is so complicated?  There are thousands of great looking men in this city, yet only a very small handful that grab me by that special little place that lights me up from inside...  

In the meantime, I am amused by observing the world around me. Sitting at dinner at a usual or spot the other night, our table made guesses about the couple beside us...how many dates they'd likely been on together.  Human behaviour is fascinating, sometimes it is just so natural and sometimes it isn't.  Perhaps that makes it even more challenging for singles...the more experiences you have the more analytical you are about each experience moving forward.  Ugh...an exhausting thought.  In the meantime, the smile project is spreading among friends, and what can I say... That little curve on someone's face just might be the most powerful piece of human connection. Even a complete stranger can fill me up with warmth from the inside out :). 

King West was alive with vibes the other night...all smiles :) 

The reverse smile effect...noticed :)

Too much living in the moment means no moments to catch a breath and just check in.  Tonight, I needed it.  Samantha dragged my butt to a tough power vinyasa practice.  Most who practice yoga might agree that what happens on your mat is often telling of what is happening in life.  Tonight was a struggle.  I knew it walking in the door.  The past few days have been amazing, busy, flowing, full of amazing people. But the relationship most crucial in my life at the moment is the one with myself. The yoga mat is always the place I can reconnect with that.

As I flowed through the vinyasa's, and struggled through the balance poses, every muscle in my lower body screamed, fighting to hold each pose when the burning was relentless.  I let myself out of a few, and pushed through a few others.  What was I struggling with? At last, the practice closes with Savasana or corpse pose.  A time to relax and check in, release.  In conversation with my fellow students and yogis I came to realize this was the most emotional and deep rooted part of my practice.  Often everything you struggled through and dug up in practice hits the surface, in the silence, the stillness, you are alone with your body and mind.  Tonight I knew it was time to give up the ghost... To turn over my struggles to let go of some unneeded pieces of my life, and find new space.  And there it was...

The past few weeks have been filled with dates, new friends, old friends a ton of experiences.  I had some laughs, some cries, some a-ha moments, some struggles and some pure joys.  What I needed was the time with myself to digest it all and keep moving forward. This morning I actually experienced the reverse smile effect.  I felt moody walking to work after a very late night with friends. I wasn't smiling, BUT, I did notice 3 different men who were smiling at me.  I laughed out loud to myself as I walked into the office, realizing the mood I was in was ridiculous and that I'd just missed the chance to return 3 smiles, they had made my day.  So maybe despite the moments, the vibe is still here :)

A great friend dropped by tonight as she was leaving some work in the city,  our short visit was so welcomed. A day that started out in the wrong direction has ended on a high note.  I'm smiling, thinking about the surprises tomorrow surely promises... It will be junior Friday in the city after all ;) 

Live your life in the moment...a sweet escape.

One of my all time favourite quotes, and a memory of the piece of art in the hallway of Chris' cottage. This might be perhaps one of the simplest theories in life that just might be the hardest to actually live.  I can say I've made progress :).  Recent dates and days have confirmed this for me.  When I first returned to yoga I heard the expression "be on your mat". I thought I understood that...it was many months later before I felt what it was to be truly present on my mat.  It's one of those things in life that you can't explain, but anyone who has been there can nod their head and say "I know" in the most convincing tone.  I think finding presence in your every day life is very much the same.

I met a friend for a 10 km run yesterday.  We ran by the water, struggled through our first 2 km, but by the 6th km we had hit our run all day pace.  The sun was shining, there were people everywhere feeling the same sense of release that we were.  I took inventory...a deep breath told me my lungs were clear and healthy, my legs were solid, steady and strong.  My heart was beating at a controlled but elevated pace, the sun stung my cheeks, but there was no way around the permanent smile that curled my lips from ear to ear.  The perfect way to start a day and weekend.  There was no planning, no expectation, no phone calls, no Internet, nothing... Just the music in my ears, a good friend beside me, the sun on my face and the rhythmic beat of my feet on the concrete.

I committed my day to seeing my sister who just completed her phD and moved home. I was overflowing with pride the second I saw her.  A small pang of empathy for the major life changes she was about to endure in her transition, nonetheless the weather was perfect and we wee shopping for the perfect interview outfits. Mom joined us. We sat for lunch on a patio around 2:30pm, deciding what to do next.  It occurred to me in that moment, it didn't matter, I had no timeline for the day. I was with the people I planned to be with and couldn't be happier.  We shared the silly laughs the three of us know too well in our own little world.  My sister and I pulled pranks on mom, and in her usual spirit she laughed and poked fun at herself.  No one seemed to exist beyond the bubble that surrounded the three of us.  The day flowed seamlessly from one activity to the next. We were in our flow.

This was an incredible day and weekend.  After a few days of heavy thought the escape to the moment was much welcomed. These escapes are becoming a regular thing. I noticed especially as David tried to plan so far ahead that I was resisting it. Although he didn't see it, he reminded me so much of myself in recent years. Even just a few months back, when I was trying to understand it all, figure it out, make my plan.  When I finally hit helpless, I surrendered to the moment.  All is not forgotten, but I realize I only have what is in front of me to enjoy.  Although the moments of sadness still come when I look ahead, I can more easily find my way back to now.  I have many friends who remind me of this lesson when they are living out their own fears of what may or may not happen.

The only words I can share, and repeat to myself in the same situation... In this moment, I am healthy, safe and happy, there is nothing to worry about.  Smile, keep moving...

Live your life in the moment...

Why you can't find your soulmate...

I am without a doubt a thinker, and a feeler...which makes an interesting combination and life challenge.  Although people think I'm thinking about logic and analyzing facts, I actually get more stuck on what I'm feeling then facts.  I came across this article which hit the nail on the head with my personal struggles in the past year or so. I feel a lot of truth with the overarching theme of this article, although at the moment my situation is beyond my control. Hoping this will help someone out there understand their own, please take the time to read this incredible perspective on the struggles we face with the soulmates in our lives (all of them, not just "the one"). ❤

I'd love some thoughts on this...I'm feeling a bit stuck on this one as the person who is holding my heart is not in my life, and doesn't seem to want to be...

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8976/this-is-why-you-cant-find-your-soul-mate.html 

Do you have a type? Ditch the list...

I mentioned my recent dates with David. So many ideals, I bet this guy is an amazing catch for 95% of single women...so why not for me? That is the million dollar question.  He asked me himself what my type was, he asked me what was common among the men I'd dated and more so those that I'd had serious feelings for. I do find this a fascinating topic.  Friends often point men out to me, and while I enjoy the scenery, it amuses me to see who people think are my type.

To answer David's question as he wondered whether or not I was attracted to him. I honestly could not give him the laundry list he was certain I had.  I don't flock to the guy most women drool for, in fact I'm often not interested in the least.  The city is full of gorgeous men and women, yet there are still so many singles.  I am looking for a feeling.  It's the "je ne sais quoi"...that thing you can't describe.  For me, it is something that I feel on an emotional level, that in the past has built over time to levels so strong it wouldn't matter what the person looked like. My attraction grew in a way I'd never experienced with the many that have crossed my path.  The only common feature I can identify between the special men in my past is light eyes, my mother actually pointed that out to me, now I notice it all the time!

As far as my list, I used to describe Jason, my first love, a mans man.  Tall, built like a hockey player, tough on the outside, soft on the inside.  However, he was the not one that i ever loved that fit that list.  Chris was not someone I'd ever have picked off the street, yet, he grabbed my heart on a deeper level then even Jason could. My attraction for Chris grew immensely over the course of knowing him.  It has certainly changed my approach to dating.

When I met David, I could say he was attractive for sure, however, I really felt myself searching and listening for the feeling.  I remained open to several dates with him and a few others, and realized how particular I am.  While it makes finding someone a touch more challenging, it does assure me I'm getting closer to not only find what I'm looking for but to also feeling it from the right place.  Love isn't logical. It doesn't come when you want it, or for who you'd like it to.  The soul is wiser then the mind. It will draw you to the people you need. Put away the list and listen to your heart, your gut.  

It is better to be alone then to wake up beside someone you don't FEEL everything for.  Here's to the only type...the one that connects with the depths of your soul, that reaches a place within that no one has ever touched, and lets you feel all that you inside. You may have to find a few, they may shake you to the core, but until you can risk feeling it and risk losing it, your greatest risk is never knowing it at all...ditch the list.

Chasing the Sun...About a Feeling

As I made my way down King Street the other morning if occurred to me, the reason I'd always been deterred from moving into the city was because the sun doesn't seem to make it to the ground among the tall buildings in the core...I didn't think I could live in the shadows. I'd long forgotten about this until that moment. I'm here now. For a second as my kind wandered to the dark corners of my mind, to something's that are making me uncomfortable, as I reached the next corner, the sun hit me right in the face...  In that moment, I exhaled, brought to the most surreal level of presence I realized, the sun was always around the corner, or on the next block, all I have to do when I get into the shade is keep moving.

It brings me back to a situation in my life.  As I continue to explore the dating world, and I have enjoyed it, my heart comes back to one situation.  It is that lurking shadow every time the clouds roll by.  My heart still belongs to Chris.  Although we haven't spoken in months, and I recently decided I needed to cut it off completely.  The world of dating counties to bring my head and heart back to the connection I'd felt for him. I question if and when it will go away.  I know if I keep moving, living, it will somehow, but I know as well as any of you, that the heart has a timeline of its own in these situations.

That said I remained open to others. I saw David a few more times this week.  A very sweet guy who went out of his way to drive into the city to see me, cancelled meetings, changed plans, responded to messages, made plans...bought me flowers.  He is probably what most women would consider the dream guy.  Successful, young, attractive, established, chivalrous, seeming emotionally available. But something nagged at me.  Even he asked me several times what it was that I was looking for.  As I would tell most friends, it's not so black and white.  I'm not looking for a look anymore. I'm looking for a feeling...

Although only a short few weeks seeing David. He managed to teach me something.  He was the perfect little test against the lessons I'd been studying.  He gave me a chance to be me, to be honest, to communicate, to set my own boundaries. I think I shocked myself. I did realize I still need to work on one thing... I share in the hope that someone like me will recognize the same in themselves. I am better at communicating how. Feel then ever, however, I had not mastered the "how you make me feel".  David continually prompted me to answer questions and tell him how his actions and he made me feel. A light went off in my head... For him, and maybe many, that is the deeper piece.  It was his need. I recognized that I could not fill this for him, and his need was more then I was used to as I hadn't really ever used that tool.

Sadly, when I discovered this about myself, it brought me back to Chris... I had never communicated in that way with him either. Although I don't know if that was his need in the end. What is more amazing however, is how quickly I am seeing the reason or lesson I these situations.  There is a lot to be said for the need to date... Although learning wouldn't be reason enough to keep David in my life when my heart still belongs to someone else.

Just another step in the journey...living, loving, learning :)