Chasing the Sun...About a Feeling

As I made my way down King Street the other morning if occurred to me, the reason I'd always been deterred from moving into the city was because the sun doesn't seem to make it to the ground among the tall buildings in the core...I didn't think I could live in the shadows. I'd long forgotten about this until that moment. I'm here now. For a second as my kind wandered to the dark corners of my mind, to something's that are making me uncomfortable, as I reached the next corner, the sun hit me right in the face...  In that moment, I exhaled, brought to the most surreal level of presence I realized, the sun was always around the corner, or on the next block, all I have to do when I get into the shade is keep moving.

It brings me back to a situation in my life.  As I continue to explore the dating world, and I have enjoyed it, my heart comes back to one situation.  It is that lurking shadow every time the clouds roll by.  My heart still belongs to Chris.  Although we haven't spoken in months, and I recently decided I needed to cut it off completely.  The world of dating counties to bring my head and heart back to the connection I'd felt for him. I question if and when it will go away.  I know if I keep moving, living, it will somehow, but I know as well as any of you, that the heart has a timeline of its own in these situations.

That said I remained open to others. I saw David a few more times this week.  A very sweet guy who went out of his way to drive into the city to see me, cancelled meetings, changed plans, responded to messages, made plans...bought me flowers.  He is probably what most women would consider the dream guy.  Successful, young, attractive, established, chivalrous, seeming emotionally available. But something nagged at me.  Even he asked me several times what it was that I was looking for.  As I would tell most friends, it's not so black and white.  I'm not looking for a look anymore. I'm looking for a feeling...

Although only a short few weeks seeing David. He managed to teach me something.  He was the perfect little test against the lessons I'd been studying.  He gave me a chance to be me, to be honest, to communicate, to set my own boundaries. I think I shocked myself. I did realize I still need to work on one thing... I share in the hope that someone like me will recognize the same in themselves. I am better at communicating how. Feel then ever, however, I had not mastered the "how you make me feel".  David continually prompted me to answer questions and tell him how his actions and he made me feel. A light went off in my head... For him, and maybe many, that is the deeper piece.  It was his need. I recognized that I could not fill this for him, and his need was more then I was used to as I hadn't really ever used that tool.

Sadly, when I discovered this about myself, it brought me back to Chris... I had never communicated in that way with him either. Although I don't know if that was his need in the end. What is more amazing however, is how quickly I am seeing the reason or lesson I these situations.  There is a lot to be said for the need to date... Although learning wouldn't be reason enough to keep David in my life when my heart still belongs to someone else.

Just another step in the journey...living, loving, learning :)