I woke up to a text at 2am, he was here. This was probably the most excited I'd ever been in the year we'd known each other, as friends. Again first thing Tuesday Matt wanted to see me that night. After very long days, we agreed to a relaxed night in with Netflix. Our friendship had always been built in brute honesty. We had pledged to each other from the very beginning to always say exactly what was on our minds. Matt was exactly what I needed in recent weeks to practice pushing my comfort zone again in the intimate world. I had locked up with Chris...something triggered and I had become unjustifiably afraid to communicate honestly from the gut with him. Likely due to the strong feelings I have for him. Unfortunately, the challenge of the situation and inability I felt for either of us to be open and honest with each other left the whole situation unresolved and in a rather uncomfortable state.
So here it was. Matt came over. The vibe between us was different. He always knew about the men in my life, and knew quite a bit about my feelings for Chris. But that was now behind me...the situation completely out of my hands. Matt now stood in front of me. A very attractive, successful and mature man. Someone who seemed to speak with authority, yet had a soft, caring and chivalrous side. It seemed so natural although a first to cuddle up together on the couch and watch a movie. It had been a while since I'd shared that intimacy with someone. Curling up with a movie had always been a favourite for me, and something that had never existed in my marriage. I melted into Matt's arms. I was present, warm, small, and beautiful. The best part, I knew I didn't need Matt and would be just fine when it came time for him to leave. That night I had to finally ask him to leave. He claimed to want to "steal every moment together" that he could. By 2am, I was smiling and exhausted
Wednesday was the slowest day! 4 hours of sleep was just not enough, but I was smiling. Ben was home and back online. After surviving the day and a great workout, I felt like I was back on track. Samantha was back in town from Miami, and we were invited to visit a friend at Weslodge. We laughed and caught up, Samantha had quite the adventure in Miami. We swapped long weekend stories and shared some apps at the bar. Matt was exhausted from a long day but wanted to see me again. I met him after. He stayed the night. Both exhausted, I curled up into him and we both passed out. I hadn't felt the satisfaction of falling asleep in the comfort of someone's arms since Jason. It felt amazing. I woke up to a back rub. Matt kissed me on the forehead and left for work. I fell back asleep for an hour, happy.
In recent weeks not only had I begun to truly enjoy the freedom of being single, but I have even questioned whether or not I really am cut out for a relationship. Matt's closeness definitely reminded me that I am 100% cut out for a relationship. I'm just not in a rush to get there anymore. And between Matt and Mike and several recent experiences, I've also decided that what I want and will be willing to settle for in a relationship in the future is so very different from that which I've settled for in the past. Although, not a day goes by the my heart doesn't remind me of its feelings for Chris. I remind myself day after day that what will be will be...I may not always get what I want, but I can rest faithful in that I will always get what I need.
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