If you get a chance... take it!!!

Here goes nothing...time to take my very own advice!  In the 3 months I've known Chris, I've never invited him to my home or even the city I live in.  The last time the discussion came up, we were still toying with getting to know each other and the prospect of a relationship.  When things went off the rails and we landed on the friends card, I pretty much decided I was off the hook.

The idea of showing this person my most intimate space has been daunting.  We come from VERY different lifestyles.  But here it is... the ugly yet beautiful truth about dating and relationships... the focus should not be on those material things, but on us as people. Another fear that bears no truth. This is about me, not my home or my material possessions.  Anyone lucky enough to be in my life will accept ALL of me.

Perhaps this was the risk I've needed to take all along. The one that would tell me everything I need to know about the situation.  That chance arrived... at brunch Chris asked why I have never invited him to my home or city... so I took it.  An invitation is enroute as I write this.  I will now have to look the fear of a) outright rejection b) acceptance and actually having to open up that side of my life to someone.  Really... what is the worst that can happen??? I've either unfairly predicted the outcome/values of another person, or actions will sy everything I need to hear :)

Here's " to looking fear in the face and saying, I just don't care!" ~ Glitter in the Air, PINK

Richest girl in the world...

Today was my birthday. In the past, I often never told anyone it was my birthday. I hated being center of attention. Things are different today... and for the first time the floods of wishes from Facebook to BBM to office crews... instead of feeling shy, I embraced every last wish. For the first time in my life I think I'm finally directing my attention to where it needs to be without feeling selfish or guilty about it - on me! Strangely, life just seems to fall into place around that... and things are working themselves out beautifully.

There isn't enough money or property in this world that could afford the warmth I have in my heart and life from the people who choose to be apart of it. And I realize, today I believe I may be one of the Richest Girls in the world... and you know what... I AM WORTH IT!!!  We all are... and as the people in my life have been telling me for years... when you believe it, others will too! So I hope you believe it too.

Thank you all for coming on this journey! To my anonymous friends in Canada, USA, Russia, Ukraine and Germany... you're with me in spirit and I'd love to hear from you! Please feel free to add your thoughts.

Today I am just plain grateful!!!

Believe...

Refreshed Approach... and a lot of refound faith!!!

Before the holidays I had clearly gotten myself in over my head emotionally. Every situation was just getting complicated. I knew it was time to step back, but let's face it... when you get caught up in a situation, it's pretty hard to avoid the desire to keep picking at it until it is resolved. Yet, that approach never seems to make matters better.

So here it is... by a host of situations and questionable timing, I have only seen Chris twice since Christmas Day, once 3 weeks ago, and today. The situation had gotten so strained that time together felt forced and uncomfortable.

Now with only one afternoon a few weeks back, I felt different today. Finally free to be me... no nerves, so pressure, so desire to carry the conversation or steer anything. The afternoon was fun, light and free of expectations. Probably the best I've felt seeing Chris. With life busy enough, and a solid footing on the ground, a likely second date with Aaron this week. I'm finally feeling ready to believe that when I let it all go... things will happen as they are meant to.

Here's to faith...

Still saying "If you get a chance take it, if it changes your life, let it..." 

because "Sometime's things have to fall apart for better things to fall together"

All or Nothing... must have been another signal!

I've just come out of one of the most liberating weeks of my life. Tying the final string to put my marriage behind me had an effect I couldn't have imagined...  At first it was utter nothing... a blank feeling. Almost lost. The one thing plagued my mind for so many years was gone. I sat with and thought... "Ok... now what?".

The next day, I felt like I weighed 100lbs less.. I was floating! Work was busy, and I felt excited, swept up in the pace, full of hope and optimism. Although more alone than I've ever been in terms of an intimate relationship in my life, I have never felt my life was more full, rich and complete. I couldn't help but overflow with love and warmth for the many friends that stood beside me over the past 2 years. I had to pay that feeling forward, and be sure to tell each one how much they meant to me. The weeks ahead have quickly filled up with plans to spend time with friends. 

Then it happened... Friday (yesterday) with plans to host girls night, I skipped through the day in the best mood I can ever remember. Excited to spend some quality downtime with my besties. Before I knew it... one by one... I heard from the men in my life.  Jason who lives in the USA and has been MIA since Vegas sent a random note asking when I would come visit for the weekend... SO out of the blue!  Aaron, who has at least been consistent for a week continued to call and text. Then the shocker, Chris wanted to know my plans for the weekend. 

And there it is... all or nothing... it seems the second you let it go, and stop worrying about things, they just happen on their own and in ways you never imagined.  The best part... I'm in such a good place, my only desire for today is just to sit back and see how this all plays out... or what else life has in store.

A brilliant quote that truly gives hope to despair:

"Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together" ~ M. Monroe

So I'm just going to roll with it for a while...

First Day of the Rest of My Life...

Can you remember a time when something that plagued you for a very long time suddenly lifted??? The feeling is sureal... undescribably. For me, it truly is the first day of the rest of my life...

Not sure what it all means... I'm in a good place... just not sure I've ever been here before!!!  For the first time in my life, I'm free :). Utterly and completely freeeeeee. Responsible to and for just me! For those of you who have been through it, the paperwork for my divorce was finally filed, and moving forward there is nothing tying me to my history. 

My only job today is to get ready for the rest of my life :)  And for the first time... there is nothing to be planned, nothing counted on that can lead to disappointment... the only thing awaiting are whatever surprises life has in store for me... and at the moment, I'm just ready and excited to see what that is!

As far as where things are... CHRIS is a mystery, AARON is just coming alive, JASON is back in his own world and I am just fine on my own for the time being!!! Tonight, I'm done figuring it out.

Just can't wait to see what tomorrow holds... the first day of the rest of my life! Can't wait...

I don't want to be... anything other than me!!!

The greatest challenge that I can clearly label in many of my past relationships, is the ability to be true to myself...  Whether by natural tendency or character flaw, reflecting on past disasters, I can see the one common element for me all along has been the moment I have strayed from just being me.

The minute we even slightly act in a way to please someone else, we are abandoning our true selves. In many cases, it was that true self that drew another person into our lives in the first place. As someone who is fascinated with human behaviour, I can without question confirm that the people I know who are in what I would coin successful relationships are the ones who are so true to themselves, they'd be willing to walkaway if the alternative was to change who they were or what they believed in. It is incredible.

I think we all want that special person who can truly and deeply fall in love with the person we are. I have many great examples around me, and a great song to keep me in check ;)

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

~I Don't Want to Be (Gavin DeGraw)

Sometimes you just need a sign...

Going back to my theory on coincidence, and the idea that things happen for a reason just when you need them to whether it's the people who come into your life just when you needed the, the way a situation unfolds, anything really...

I'm sure you can all relate to hearing someone tell you, "trust me, you will just know...". I've heard that line every time I've had heartache, disappointment or was on the verge of giving up. Sometimes you just want to say, prove it... and today, a good friend of mine did!

Maria has been dating off and on since her own separation. Like every single person, many interesting stories to tell. But in recent months she's had her eyes on someone that came into her life through a connection with someone else in her family. Despite some promising dates... her thoughts circled around Joe.  A project brought him from out of town to spending some time visiting her. Within a week, Maria went from the stable grounded person coaching me through my own dilemmas, to an emotional experience of her own. Joe stayed through the week, and left to work on another project that weekend, and it was clear that Maria had been overcome by the connection. There were circumstances in the beginning that seemed might prevent this from unfolding - a great deal of distance, loose ends on an old relationship, etc... but by the time Joe returned for a second week with Maria, both had decided this was it!!! The real deal!!! 

Maria asked me, can this be it, love after 2 weeks?  And for once in my life, I've never been more sure about believing what they say... when you know, you just know!

I'm overflowing with excitement for Maria, and a renewed sense of optimism that is can really just happen...

Playing Games... the push pull...

Why do I continue to find myself stuck in the dating game I call "Push Pull"??? The only reasons I can come up with are 1) I havent found "the one" or even one worthy, 2) I am a magnet for emotionally unavailable people.

Here's how the game goes.  We like each other, things are great. someone gives too much. Person A pulls back. Person B throws up a guard and withdraws. Person A suddenly interested again. Eventually B comes back around. And the dance continues with both people taking turns throwing guards up... pushing... pulling... How does the game ever progress or end?!?

So here is the real life scenario...  things with CHRIS not making sense. Guards go up. A little push pull... ok a lot of push pull... and absolutely no progress in either direction. I decide to retreat, hence trip toVegas confirmed. Retreat triggers pull... Vegas provides space. Return to a brand new game. One of, let's throw some shockers out to test each others' intentions.  The challenge... I don't know how to walkaway when things don't add up... I'm on a mission for answers.  Game players switch ends and the dance continues...

Toxic... antidote???  Please share your thoughts...

Online dating - for the emotionally unavailable???

If you're looking for an adventure take up online dating!  I'm certainly not an expert, but dabbling here and there I have to wonder if Online Dating Sites are a haven for Emotionally Unavailable people?  I may have been included in that statement at one point... but I certainly can say I've met more than a few who epitomize that statement! 

I am amused by the messages I'm receiving from people who live in the US, while I live in the GTA in Canada... Today I couldn't help but toy back when I received a message from someone who lives in Chicago.  Turns out he travels to Toronto on business.  I guess I'm just too novice at this stuff, I would never think to use an online dating site to meet people to hang out with in the cities I travel to on business??? LOL. This is tooo much!

Please let serendipity exist....

The "Not really my type"... might be just what I need!

Have you noticed how most of us single people are always attracted to the wrong types? The bad boy, the party girl, whatever it is we know we shouldn't be... I can actually remember a handful of times when I said to a friend "he's not really my type", "no sparks", "no chemistry". You name it.  Then there were the ones that seemed off the charts my type! Clearly those went no where fast... LOL

Now that I've exhausted the idea of "my type", and almost thoroughly given up hope on dating... I agreed to one last date last night. Just coffee... easy enough right? During the day the thought of even going out with another one, and the potential disappointment had me considering bailing altogether. In the end, I think it helped... my mindset shifted. I approached it like a business situation. I meet strangers all the time. Piece of cake, and I can usually quickly sum up whether they are people I like or not. So, knowing at this point I am not interested in committing to anything anyway after boat loads of disappointments, I met AARON for coffee. 

Unlike CHRIS who I'd spent hours talking to before meeting, I had only exchanged brief emails with AARON over the past month, so there was no pressure, no feelings. At first, it was your typical, two strangers meeting awkwardness...45 minutes in, I heard myself say - maybe this guy isn't really my type. Then... out of no where, came a voice that said, "just give it a chance, your type hasn't been working anyway". So, I stuck it out. Conversation got more relaxed, and AARON seems like a decent guy. And... suddenly, I decided... I might not be so bad at dating afterall if I would just resist the need to make snap decisions. I am in no rush. Sure enough, we said goodbye, and before I could make my getaway, AARON wanted to set a timeline for when we might see each other again. With him travelling on business, he suggested a week this weekend. In my head, I know that is perfect! Lots of time... that's what I need right now. Not the typical pushy, A-type, rushy guys I've been attracting.

On a side note, upon returning to Vegas, CHRIS was in touch... and the "just my type" pulled a total douche bag move, initiating a conversation that went against everything he ever told me he stood for. Interesting... Mr. True Blue put on a very good show for a while. But just as everyone tells me, wait and see how long someone can hold up their act. EPIC FAIL. Seriously disappointing...

Maybe the "not really my type" isn't so bad afterall...  In the meantime, a little "me" time and some good friend time is just what I need.

True Colours... looking for someone new or revisting the past?

A few months ago I chose to try the online dating game again. With many options, I settled for a paid site, thinking it might provide better quality prospects, and figured I had nothing to lose.  I quickly met and clicked with someone, CHRIS. It was an amazing week of speaking and anticipation before we finally met.  I'd never been so nervous in my life to meet someone. Our conversations were out of this world, my heart fluttered at the thought, and the inner romantic thought maybe this was my gut telling me something.

So a few weeks go by. We spend a ton of time together. Then, like clock work, CHRIS pulls the 180. Going from initiating everything and pushing for time together to, whoa... We need to slow down. So we both agree and that is that. It eventually fizzles... He insists on remaining friends. Again... Can you be just friends after that? I questioned it from the beginning. But, it seems to have been ok for the past few months. And then... The proposition came, the suggestion or qualifying statement about FWB.  A conversation that went against every reason I fell for CHRIS in the beginning. I think I've been hit with another case of TRUE COLOURS, and it's a bit disappointing...

So I ask, is there not a point in life where people are through with playing games? Ready to be true blue? What is so wrong with being who we are and letting others decide if that is what they are interested in?

Here I am... Again wondering how to start over and if I want to.  Yet, I have a blind coffee date this evening. The reason I decided on venturing back online in the first place was the prospect of meeting someone entirely new. A fresh start, and good way to avoid getting involved with the past.

Why does time always tell? And where can you buy patience ;).  Looking for your thoughts...

Just the way we roll... Las Vegas

Whirlwind weekend in Sin City has come to an end.  I finally get how the city never sleeps, you never feel tired, and $20 can provide hours of entertainment and free drinks... and if you are really lucky you can turn that $20 into $50, 5 cocktails, a good ego boost and an adrenaline rush! Only in Vegas ;)

The best part of trips like this for singles, is not having to please anyone. Just see where the endless days and nights take you. my only advice... go with a group as single as you are for maximum enjoyment!!!

And if your group happens to be single ladies... well, the only better places I can suggest are L.A and Miami. 

Single in Vegas... what's a girl to do!?!?!?!?!

This is it friends, packing the last of the cocktail dresses ;) and more sandals and pumps then a girl can possibly wear in four days. Off to Vegas in the morning... the most bizarre feeling. I don't think I've been on a trip yet where there were truly no prospects, and I am utterly and completely single. 

What's a single girl to do in Vegas???

Tips and suggestions are welcome!!!

Stay tuned...

Modern Technology Helpful or Stressful for Dating?

Gone are the days in highschool when we squeezed conversations with boys/girls into the wee hours of the morning. The days when there was little to misinterpret in someone's tone of voice. While I can't deny I have enjoyed the random text messages at all hours, I do miss the days when you could really get to know someone, and weren't left walking away from a conversation saying "what did he/she mean by that???" or being left hanging at the end of a read message.

There are definitely pros and cons. If you asked me 3 months ago, I would have said technology all the way. Today... I'm thinking I'd like to appreciate good old fashioned phone conversation with someone I want to get to know.

Thoughts?

Moment of Clarity... if I just lay here...and forget the world!

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart" -Carl Jung

I have a problem... I admit it. It takes me far too long to make decisions about relationships. Bless my friends for hearing me out time and time again.  But then comes that moment... the one when suddenly everything in your head becomes clear... you know the one? It comes, it goes, and along with it goes the weight of everything you've been trying to understand and figure out. And then... you are FREE!!!

I call this a "moment of clarity". This came for me after 3 years of marriage, a year of which I spent on the fence about what to do. I carried the weight of uncertainty like a 1,000 tonnes on my shoulders for an entire year. Rationalizing, solution-generating, agonizing, reflecting, calculating... all the things I could think of to find a solution.  Then it hit me... that moment... the one when I just knew the answer. And suddenly, the fears, the questions, the weight... it was all gone.

Thinking I had learned my lesson and was standing on solid footing, I bravely approached the single life. To my surprise, I still managed to stack up the weight, trying to figure each new experience out.  The weight again grew overwhelming in recent months, I found myself again trying to figure it all out. Then it hit me... my moment of clarity. The moment where the fear dissipated, the weight lifted, and the sun grew a littler brighter. And here I am... facing all that was put on ice, and finally deciding to just let it go.

And the feeling... FREE!!! Hopeful... Light... Happy... and willing to wait for life's next surprise ;)

Then came the best line from one of my favourite songs, and I think of so many friends who would fully accept this offer, and realize that even if I let go, I'm not alone.

"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world" (Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol)

May you find your Moment of Clarity in this New Year, and be free for whatever is next...

Flying Solo... empowering!

Looking back, despite many gaps between relationships, I've come to the conclusion I've never truly been completely and utterly single. Shocking! Whether I've been in a relationship or not, I've always had someone in mind, a prospect, a crush... something to think about or work with. Funny how everyone around you can know so much more about you then you realize yourself.  That's what I learned when I surveyed a few long term friends about my life.

So with the beginning of a New Year, and having thrown much of what was on ice in December, no prospects, no online dating... I find myself for the first time accepting the challenge of truly Flying Solo! So here we are, one week into 2012. And I am already feeling different... I had dreaded NYE. The night of so much pressure - who will you be with, where will you go, etc...  Instead, I spent the entire evening with my best friend at home. Eating, drinking, laughing, and reminding each other of all the great things each of us has to offer. Looking back to the dreams we used to share with each other about future relationships, and having a laugh at how unrealistic and unrealized they are now. But in the moment, being totally ok with just being with each other, not needing anything more.

So, a year and a half after the official end of my marriage, after 3 failed relationship attempts, and very little focus on getting reaquainted with me... here I am, finally looking at me.  A Friday night, lots of friends around, and I chose to spend it alone, in fact I actually looked forward to it!  I went online, bought myself a ticket to see a movie, skipped out the door, and loved every minute of the experience.  I went to see New Years Eve. A great happy feeling movie. One of the plot lines was about a woman and her list of resolutions that she had waited  far too long in life to try to accomplish, and it got me thinking... NOW IS THE TIME!  So here we go...

Going to a movie alone - CHECK!

How well do you know yourself?

Settling and Stuck???

So, I've spent a couple of days thinking... things are extremely quiet. My resolution for my life this year is to truly stay "hands off" and let life take shape without my influence.  For a moment, I caught myself wishing I could have even just one of the old relationships back... then snapped ack to reality and realized I don't actually want what they were, I just want the chance at what I thought it would be, possibility. After chatting with a friend in a lonely moment, I realize how lucky I am.  I'm not stuck anymore!!! For years I lived in an empty relationship. It was fine, there was nothing major wrong. It just didn't bring anything to my life.  How often do we stick around because it's comfortable, easy, familiar, less scary?

The piece I haven't quite wrapped my head around is why we get so stuck... why we give up and settle when our needs are not being met. Why everyone around us can see it, but we are in denial.  The reasons are easy to identify, but difficult to accept

1) Fear - we won't find a better match
2) Patience - uncomfortable in our own skin so we rely on others
3) Self-Worth - believe what we're getting is all we deserve
4) Failure - the idea that letting a relationship go is a failure
5)...

So many things. Even when we recognize what is holding us back, the idea of doing anything about it is often too much.  Sometimes we refuse to admit or can't see we are stuck, but it's easy to point out someone else who is... I guess there is something to be said for not being able to see when you are stuck inside your own storm.  

Now as I sit stuck on the idea of being on the outside looking in, I ask myself why it was worth getting unstuck? Life is too short. It's that simple.  So my plan for 2012... to know what I want. And I'm starting with inner happiness, and a list of what I want. It's out there... and in the end it's going to be worth it!

Special thanks to the many friends who remind me everyday what I'm worth. Don't settle, you are worth it too!

"When you let go of who you are, you become who you were meant to be"