The Moments That Melt My Heart...

I just returned from a dream vacation to France, visiting some of the most romantic cities, experiencing the best in Gastronomy and being pampered in spectacular hotels, including a chateau, and more importantly some quality time with my love. What more could a girl ask for?

This trip meant more than the splurge it was. As we drove through the country side between cities, I was blessed with a few quiet moments to reflect. Life in the city is noisy, not just physically but mentally. There’s always a distraction, something going on, somewhere to be, someone to see, deadlines and expectations… looking out the window it all faded away into the quiet of the vineyards and villages in the distance. I enjoyed the stillness. Still enough to feel life. To reconnect with myself, to check out of the past and future, and sit in the moment, present. 

Home, as I reconnect with family and friends, I realized as my mom asked me what was my favourite part of the trip… For a moment, it really was a tough question to answer. The whole trip was truly a dream. A weekend in Paris, a sunset at Sacre Coeur, dinner overlooking the Eiffel Tower, a cruise on the Seine, exploring the Louvre and a trip to Versailles. A night in Champagne on the Estate of a Proprietor, visiting some of the most well known Champagne Houses, then waking up to a view from our balcony of the sun coming over the mountain to light up the miles upon miles of vineyards in the distance. Visiting some of the most spectacular Chateaux in the Loire Valley, then spending the night in a chateau where we enjoyed perhaps the dining experience of a lifetime. To our final stop in Bordeaux, visiting and tasting some of the best wines in the world. Learning about the fine art of winemaking, selection and tasting, to a personal cooking class. Falling asleep and waking up each morning to a panoramic view of Bordeaux. Walking the streets of this beautiful city, waiting out the rain over a bottle of wine in the afternoon, to one last bottle of champagne at the airport…

Yet, I realized, the moments that melted my heart had nothing to do with any of it. I looked at my mom and said, the quality time with my love. The chance to step out of reality and all of it’s stressors and distractions to truly connect. I smiled, as I recounted to myself the moments that truly melted my heart. The real romance wasn’t the fancy restaurants, or beautiful hotel rooms, it was the simplest gestures. It was waking up to his smile. Hearing him use the word Beautiful as if it were my second name. It was the moments he reached for my hand whether to cross a street or simply to walk closer together, a feeling of connectedness and safety. A random touch, just a reminder he was close. A surprise kiss on the cheek or forehead. Our eyes meeting, whether we were side by side or across a room, and the look that says “I love you” and I’m always looking out for you. It was the look on his face after I appeared from spending the time to look good for him. It was those moments that made my heart melt, in those moments I fell in love, over and over again. That was the favourite part of my trip.

A reminder to me as I return to life in all of it’s hectic glory, that what matters most, costs nothing and is available anywhere, any time. Connection. A feeling. It applies to any relationship really. How many opportunities do we miss to tell someone we love them? How great they look today? Reaching for a hand. Spending a few extra minutes to look good for someone. Forget the lists, the criteria. Look for that feeling, your heart melting… it’s there that love exists.

Love Found Me.

There was a day I believed, no, I accepted it might not ever happen to me, love. The real deal. The kind that unlocks your heart, and puts to rest every question, every heartache, the kind that lightens the load of that baggage you’ve gotten used to carrying.

One night, in the not so distant past, I remember feeling the agony of everything that had happened in my love life up until that point. I had just written about it, and hoped it had been released along with the tears that flowed with every word I wrote. Yet that night, it seemed to relentlessly grip at my soul. I did the only thing I ever manage to do when I don’t know what else to do, I called my mom. I cried, told her the pain I was feeling, the hopelessness, how pathetic it seemed that I could long so bad for something and yet it eluded me.

Finally, I ran out of tears. I felt still. Flat. I remember saying to my mom, “Maybe this is my purpose… maybe I was given this role because I’d be strong enough. Perhaps I am here to get beat up on in love, to learn from it, and to share it – the struggle, the lessons, the recovery”. Naturally not something a mom ever wants to hear.

When I finally crawled under the covers that night, I almost smiled. Something major shifted. I had a realization. Apart those couple of rough moments, my life was actually pretty awesome. I was done with the tears. I was done with the worry and the pain. I had already done the one thing I thought I was waiting for, but couldn’t see it through my own grief.  I had built the life of my dreams. Sure, it didn’t look like the image I had planned out in my head. But, here I was living in the heart of a City full of life. I had a beautiful space, an incredible network of friends. I had gotten to know the community around me, otherwise known as the Entertainment District, and felt pretty good access to the best the city had to offer. Night after night I was invited to exclusive events, to random gatherings, dinners with friends, you name it. I certainly wasn’t lonely. I created lonely in my own mind. I had a life many could only dream of. In the dark and stillness that night, I looked up and said, “I will take it! This life beats the life I’ve known in relationships so far, so, unless it’s going to be better than this, I am happy as I am.” I literally surrendered.

It wasn’t even a month the love I was looking for found me. I was happily going about settling into the life I finally decided to embrace rather than resist, and truly at peace. I had redirected my energy to the things that made me happy. Then he showed up. It seemed so easy, I wasn’t in a place of worry any more. I remember leaving our first date and telling my mom, “I’ll be shocked if I ever hear from that guy again!” She laughed, and said “Oh dear! What did you do?” I was slightly amused when I told her “Nothing. I just didn’t feel any desire to impress him, and to be honest I just told him outright exactly what I was looking for.” Which, I’ve been scolded by men in the past , were some seriously high expectations.  Except this time I was in a place where I didn’t feel the need to justify them anymore, or lower them just to get myself into another disappointing relationship.

I was wrong. Not only did I hear from him before I even got home from that date. But within a few weeks, the kind of relationship I had almost begun to believe was not possible, was sweeping me off my feet. Not only did this man rise up to my expectations, he made every effort to surpass them. There was no more “hanging out,” we were “dating.” Like real, romantic, flowers, dinners, candles and romance kind of dating. We both were able to enjoy planning dates. Everything from Shake Making to Shoe Shopping, Flowers to Basketball Games. We took selfies. Like seriously. How many men wouldn’t allow a photograph of even just them let alone the two of us together? I know there are a few nodding their heads as they read this. You know the kind of people I’m talking about, the kind that are not interested in the same kind of relationship that you are.

This was different. Yet, within a few weeks I found myself confused. What had happened here? I was finally settling into a life that I loved? Was I willing to take that risk again? This might have been scarier than the rest, this time, everything I had ever asked for was standing right in front of me asking me if that’s what I really wanted, and I’m not sure if I was so shocked I didn’t believe it, or worried perhaps I didn’t deserve it, or somewhere in between.

It wasn’t “easier” than I expected. It was definitely scarier though! You know you have found Love when you finally realize you have something to lose. Yes, that’s about the time that the little “crazy” in me comes out. The one that says, RUN! I have, time and time again in life. Until now. Until someone chased me, literally and figuratively, in the pouring rain and said “Stop!” That moment broke my heart, open. Open to really feeling love. Open to letting go of the weight I used to seal it shut. Open to letting go of the walls that I felt safest behind. Open to the idea that safe could be a place that didn’t need walls.

What if I had given up? What if I had never given up? I had filled so much of the space in my life with worry, doubt, fear, pain. For the longest time I wondered why love had danced all around me, but never with me. I never made space for love. When I did, it took my hand, wrapped an arm around my waste, pulled me tight and we began to sway, one step at a time, finding our flow…

If I had given up, I’d have never drawn love in. If I’d never given up, I’d have pushed love away.

Today, I sit, as present as I’ve ever been. About to board a flight with Love to one of the most Romantic countries I can think of. I can’t help but reflect – to be grateful for all that I’ve experienced, and most of all trusting. Trusting that I walked blindly down a path, met the girl on the road who walked in my shoes, and embraced who she was in full faith, let go of the questions, the heartaches and the burdens, and sure enough, Love was waiting.

Keep believing.

Love - the Soul on Fire

Like so many others who have spent a good period of time single, I have had more time to think about life and relationships than most could stand. Sure, I can be considered an overthinker, but I prefer to think I’ve instead focused my thoughts on perhaps the simply most complicated thing - myself. Of course I have mulled over scenarios, relationships, and life. However, I prefer to think more from the perspective of what each taught me than from what I could have done differently. I am fortunate to have come face to face with so much of my past, and as a result to have found peace with most of it. I have also come to a much better understanding of who I really am when I’m not pretending to be the someone else my mind believes others want me to be.

That said, I have made many mistakes. I’ve hurt others and I’ve been hurt. I am far from perfect, and believe me I can create a grocery list of my own flaws. However, some of the worst experiences have also taught me some of the best things I never knew about myself. At the end of all of it, the single greatest gift has been the opportunity to wrap my head around my strengths and my opportunities for growth and change. In the time I spent alone, I had the chance to understand what was most important to me. For a period of my life, I was given the unique opportunity to selfishly focus exclusively on my own needs, desires and priorities. This was perhaps one of the most trying times of my life. I was frustrated, believing my life wasn’t meant to be alone. I longed for someone else to worry about. It was when I finally surrendered and starting living my own life, truly loving my life as it existed that I realized that the single most important thing that made me happy was knowing I was continually working on being the person I would be proud of.

I can look to every area of my life and confirm the thing that makes me happiest in life is inspiration and a sense of growth. Whether it is my career or a sport, or hobby; when I feel the work and time I have invested into myself showing results, I feel a fire within fuelling me to go further. It is in those moments I feel I am unstoppable, life has no limits.

What if the same were applied to love? What if love could set the soul on fire? It does. Having been married once, I can appreciate what a lifetime looks like. Fortunately, I knew something wasn’t right. There was nothing really wrong, but something was missing. The fire. I’m not talking butterflies, or passion, I’m talking about that little something you can’t quite describe but when you feel it, you know it’s what you’ve been craving. It’s not about pleasing anyone, or finding a give and take. It’s about being so inspired that you only ever want to give more, more of yourself, more love, more energy, more life.

For the first time in my life I have met someone with whom my focus has shifted from falling in love with someone to truly growing the love I have for myself. Someone who makes me want to get up early, work a little harder. Someone who makes me want to push my own boundaries, to reach something a little further. Someone who has opened my eyes to the boundless possibilities that lay before me. Someone with whom, my focus isn’t about holding on to a relationship, or having a companion. It isn’t about pleasing someone, or being enough for someone. It’s about feeling supported and loved, feeling like the most precious gem, rough edges and all, among a sea of stones and knowing there is space to grow and smooth the edges, and to shine. It is the kind of love that sets the soul on fire, that makes it come alive in a way that it never knew what it meant to truly let go and just be alive.

I am free to continue on my journey to a better me growing only happier, healthier, stronger, and more capable of living life to the fullest. I am inspired. Given life is never all rainbows and unicorns (although my friends know I try to see it that way) having that deeper connection makes dealing with those times feel far more manageable. Never settle, life is too short not to be fully lived.

Seek not for love, but for inspiration. There, I promise, you will find love. <3

Your Calm or Your Storm?

I read a piece this week that brought some pretty clear guidance to anyone wondering how to identify the right relationship - it really came down to this. Are they your calm or your storm? Let’s face it, life is a non-stop crazy train. These past two weeks were another small example of life throwing a lot at me. I spent about 36 hours at home in the city between two business trips, and an extension to visit my brother out west.

Things were a little mentally and physically, shall we say stressful, as I contemplated making it all work and fitting it all in. Between work, friends, family, love and the general time I need for myself, I felt like I was running a million miles a minute in my head just to ensure I could make it all happen. In the end, it always does. I have countless examples in life to prove it to myself.

In my 36 hours, I planned to swap suitcases, get in a workout, and see my guy. The whole plan had me losing sleep at night wondering how to pull it off. Sure enough. It all worked out just fine. My guy made it easy. He picked me and my freshly swapped suitcase up to spend the night with him, before he would drop me off at the airport again early the next morning while the rest of the City was fast asleep. I melted into him arms and drifted to sleep. For a few hours, I embraced the calm and a few precious hours of sleep. The stress and chaos of my schedule faded away.

I returned home again, 2 weeks, 5 flights, 5 cities and 4 meetings later, I was completed drained. After spending a quiet evening at home fighting some jet lag, I couldn’t help but wish to be beside him. Whether it’s a glance across the room, or the warmth of his sleeping body beside me, I’ve come to appreciate he is my calm…

I can smile to myself today, feeling grateful to finally know I never needed to chase storms. My life will always throw enough at me. I certainly do not need a relationship to add to it. Every relationship will certainly have it’s stressful moments, but those no longer include a place that doesn’t make my heart feel safe, full, and happy. No need for questions, validation, or issues of trust. A place, as they say, to peacefully rest my heart…

The Right One Will...

The rain pounded the glass of the sunroof above me, the windows fogged, my eyes filled with tears, and in a moment, just as my Yogi Mieka would had explained, I knew what it felt like to realize that part of your heart was living outside your body.

After a serious lack of sleep and stressful week personally and professionally, I succumbed to old tactics. I almost single handedly self-sabotaged the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I tripped hard over an old wound. Before I could even get my head around what I was feeling, I did what I knew best. I walked out the door, I ran. It was pouring rain, I fumbled for my keys and made my way down the dark street to my car. My heart pounded and ached as the familiar rush of anxiety spread through my body. I turned the key in the ignition, then fumbled for my phone. I had forgotten to let my mom know I’d arrived back to the city safely from the cottage. I scrambled to send her a reply. 

As I hit send, the passenger door opened and before I could even get my head around what was happening he ducked inside my car. His warm hand reached softly for my hand. I felt a sense of complete and utter panic, this part was new to me. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or fly back out the other door into the rain. I was so used to walking out the door, no one had ever stopped me. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, I was frustrated, upset and completely out of my element. I had felt myself backed into a corner in a discussion, I didn’t know how to be heard. Old wounds surfaced, scenarios replayed in my head.

After many challenged relationships, I was used to walking away. It had become, as a previous man told me, my test. I was so used to walking away and not being chased, I just stopped looking back. This time was different. This man wasn’t going to let me off on self-sabotage. He wasn’t going to punish me either. Instead, he listened, comforted me, and made me promise I would never try that again. Somehow, everything that came out of his mouth in the next 2 minutes was everything I needed to hear. He scooped me up in his strong arms and I melted into his warm body. In that moment, I felt that old wound wash away with the rain. After he kissed me goodnight and walked back inside, I burst into tears. I looked back at his red door, and said “that’s the last door I will ever walk out of.” I finally found the man that wouldn’t let me go. It felt so good it actually hurt. 

I have finally come to appreciate what it means to have someone accept you just the way you are. I had spent so much time trying to understand my imperfections, fix them and move forward stronger than ever. Yet, here in my weakest moment, I felt the deepest kind of love, the kind I had longed for my entire life. It lifted the bandaid I had worn to protect a soft spot, it opened my heart completely. There would no longer be need or even a method to protect my heart, as half of it now lives in this world outside of my body. Yet, it feels safe.

I can finally truly appreciate the words of everyone who tried to explain that “the right one will…”  The right one will understand, respect, and adore every last piece of you. Imperfections and all. The right one will be ready for whatever you throw at them. They will offer you patience, forgiveness, and even more love in your weakest moments. The right one will want you to feel safe and secure in the relationship. The right one will want to work through the tough stuff. They will hold onto the good memories even on bad days. 

It was worth the wait, for the right one.

A series of small adjustments; life.

Whether it’s work, a relationship, of just moving about through this world. We are given continuous opportunity for growth. Just as we transition from any role in life to another, we are constantly trying to find our new footing. In recent conversations with friends, I’ve had the chance to reflect on my life both in and out of relationships. 

Leaving a serious relationship, even by choice is difficult. Don’t kid yourself. I remember leaving a long term relationship and wondering to myself why my heart was so broken given it was my own choice? I had caused myself the heartache. My mom was quick to point out, it’s not always the relationship that was hard to leave, but the life you knew, and the life you planned around it. She was right. After spending any period of your life involved in something - be it a relationship or a career - everything changes. We as people have a tendency to think we are in complete control of our future, and without a second thought go about building a vision of life in the future, based on the life we are currently living. Then something changes.

For me, going from a 10 year relationship to being completely alone was confusing, upsetting, scary, among other things. I hadn’t realized how much of a life I had built forward off of the life I’d been living. I had a plan for the summer that followed, for 3 years from then, for 5 years from then. Suddenly, I had no vision. Nothing to aim for. I wasn't sure what to even do with myself. While in a relationship I was always craving time to myself, now I had all the time in the world and it terrified me. Weekends were haunting. I had nothing to do, apart from a few chores, but be alone with myself. 

If you’ve been there, you’re nodding your head. Remembering those first steps you took into a whole new world. Coming from being so strong, certain and comfortable in the world, to the complete opposite. Gradually over a period of time, you adjusted. Through experimentation, I began trying new things. I went to the movies alone. Took up new sports. Found new social opportunities. There myself into work. Without realizing it, I was finally starting to learn who I was. The world around me was providing me the feedback I needed. Although it wasn’t that simple. I had to interact. The more I did, the more I learned. 

Looking at my life, I can appreciate the number of different situations that brought similar learning about. When I retired from competitive softball, I took up golf. I was terrible! I hated knowing anyone was on the tee box behind me in case they saw me shank the ball off the tee. I remember praying the ball would at least make it 50 yards in front of me, anywhere. I took lessons. It was tough, every time I thought I finally caught on, my coaches feedback told me otherwise. In fact, I recall once being told I hadn’t actually improved, rather, I had perfected a flawed technique. Lol. Yes, that’s right. We humans have an incredible way of subconsciously finding our way around our own shortcomings. Imagine my frustration when I heard that one. Not only had I not become better, but I now had more work ahead of me to fix what i had personally broken. Correcting a habit is often much harder than building something new.

The same can be said for relationships. Feedback is hard to take. It’s uncomfortable. Frustrating. Scary. It can leave a person so vulnerable or frustrated they are put in a position that makes quitting look like the best way out. I remember my first performance review very early in my career. I was in tears. I was so upset to learn that what I thought I was doing was great, but not according to someone else. I left my bosses office that day and immediately started updating my resume. I didn’t want to face what I had learned. More so, I didn’t know how to move forward. But, one foot in front of the other, I did. I made the conscious decision to embrace the feedback as an opportunity to adjust. I asked my leader to help me. It became one of the most inspiring and motivating years of my career to date. It was the foundation on which I would later build my professional life. I still draw myself back to the many lessons I learned that year, and am so grateful for not quitting before I could make the adjustments and ultimately land myself back on the right path.

Today I am probably most grateful for that period of my life. It allowed me to grow both as a person and as a professional. It laid the groundwork for a lesson I would need both in life and in love. The ability to embrace and acquire feedback. Everything about who we are as people is a product of everything we’ve ever experienced in our lives. We’ve had the chance to embrace life’s lessons, or run from them. Although, I’m sure you would agree, when you fail to see the lesson in a situation, you eventually face a multitude of situations in your life all leading you back to that same lesson.

This happened to me in relationships too. I almost gave up, I had finally gotten so comfortable living my life alone that transitioning back into a relationship would prove more challenging than I imagined. I would need to lean again on this one life lesson, to actively seek out and embrace feedback. I needed to stop avoiding the things I didn’t want to know, things that kept me in the wrong relationships. I needed to stop keeping the peace, and worrying that feedback was all telling. I opened my heart and mind to the man in my life. Although early on there were moments I thought it might be easier to run. I stood still. I listened, I made small adjustments. I took the advice of my father who always told me, listen, adjust, keep moving. He helped me realize that once something is said, and an adjustment is made, it is history. Let it go.

Embrace the opportunity to know yourself. It’s your journey, and you are strong enough to make the adjustments to become the best version of yourself, in work, in life, in love.

A need to be needy...

Yes, that’s right, I wish sometimes that I was needier. In recent months, I’ve come to a very blunt awareness about just how independent I had become in my 4 years as a single person. Moreover, I can reflect today and acknowledge just how much society places value on that independence. Is our system flawed.

Historically speaking, relationships were formed on a need basis. Clear roles were assigned and those dependencies were the glue that bound two unrelated people together. For children and for income. Today, this imbalance has been levelled off. While I see that as pretty amazing, and certainly life altering, I cannot help but acknowledge the risk.

It is perfectly possible today for a single person, male or female, to have a child on their own. It is also common for women to be financially independent. These differences in our modern day lives have created an awesome opportunity for the evolution of relationships. Not to necessarily remove “need” but to change it. To change dependency for basic things to dependency for something much deeper, expansion. Growth as a person, a contributor to society. Yet, we fight that.

What do I mean by fighting that? After months of both thought and years of experiences, I recognize in myself the desire and success at overcoming the need to rely on anyone for anything. I also acknowledge, the deepest desire within me for someone to push me in my life. We no longer ask for relationships to “complete” our lives, but rather to ‘compliment” our lives. This is an awesome dynamic. However, I have come to realize through my own failures and successes, that the only way that is possible is to need.

At the core of it all, we, as humans are not as rewarded by materialistically satisfied needs, but rather, a fundamental, core level need to give, and need to receive. But have we given up the belief in needing as our “basic needs” in relationships have changed? When it was no longer acceptable by today’s society for women to need a “bread winner” or a man to need a child bearer? 

Worse, we live in a society that teaches us that “neediness,” almost as a black and white rule, is unacceptable. While this isn’t actually the hard truth of the matter, humans, in their need to “fit in/be needed” have hardened the rule, taking independence to a new level breeding a whole new culture of singleness. 

At the end of the day, I’d argue that the deepest emotional connections are built on the foundation of vulnerability, of the need to be needed, and the need to be supported, loved, nurtured and accepted. If this is true, than independence is wreaking havoc on our single world today. 

Perhaps it took someone strong enough to show me that they could need me, miss me, and love me for me to realize just how far I had gone in life to eliminate those very needs in order to fit into this needless and ironically isolated society. Food for thought… now I need to work on allowing myself to be needier, because that is the foundation upon which the need for my relationship has grown…and, I NEED to be loved. It brings me a level of happiness above what I could already bring to myself. I already have a great career, amazing friends, and a life I always dreamed of, but what I get from the man in my life isn't something I could ever give myself.

What does easy feel like?

Here I am, still pinching myself at how surreal it is to finally appreciate what the “right” relationship for me feels like. Just as everyone who has been there says, it’s easy. That statement for many years was like nails on a chalkboard to me. I fought to make the wrong relationships work. I didn’t get it. I can appreciate why they say you’ll just know, but that’s not very reassuring for a population of singles trying to figure out exactly what it is they are searching for, and how they will know.

After a few months of getting to know my guy, and reacquainting myself with what it is to be in a relationship. I can’t help in recent weeks, out of appreciation for just how amazing it is, but wonder what about this makes it so different. The truth is, everything. So, the only other question that remained for me was, why?

The answer for me is, everything is different between two people who are both equally ready and available for a committed and healthy relationship. A ready person has more patience, more acceptance, understanding, tolerance, confidence, stability, maturity and balance, among many other traits. 

If you were to survey the wisdom shared to singles, I’m certain you might agree one of the most common threads of relationship advice comes down to finding a person with whom you can be your true self. Let’s face it. No one is perfect. But the right person for us will allow us to be our imperfect selves, in fact, I’d beg to say they will allow you to fall in love with your own imperfections in a way that makes you realize those very traits you tried to hide from the world are what makes you special. The person who can accept and even embrace those is the person with whom you can truly just be.

A person who is ready wants to know all of your flaws, not to judge you, or compare you, but rather to understand you. That same person is willing to share their own flaws, in the hope that you too will accept them. There is no timeline or reference point upon which a person needs to become ready. It is unique to every person. However, it is important to appreciate that some people are just not ready. Some may never be. 

Someone who is not ready will avoid that level of vulnerability that is so vital to building the foundation of a great and healthy relationship. Trying to make a relationship happen when one or both people in a relationship are not ready is a recipe for all of the things that makes relationships not “easy.” The imbalance results in insecurity, distance, emotional withdrawal, avoidance, all those awful feelings that leave you spinning at night with a head full of questions.

I was so used to accommodating the stress levels and needs of others in past relationships by simply promising myself I wouldn’t take the distance personally when someone pushed me away. I busied myself with life and work and every possible distraction.

Over the past few weeks, I had the chance to experience a whole different side of facing a high demand situation in the life of a partner. My guy was preparing for his half Ironman Race that took place this past weekend. I told myself right up front, I would give him the space he needed to train and prepare in the final weeks leading up to the event, fully expecting our time together to grow slim. Yet, he surprised me. Instead of pushing me away, he pulled me closer. He allowed me to be part of his world. To know what he was striving for, excited about, fearful of, all of it. He not only let me in, he pulled me in. That openness and readiness struck me on a level I didn’t expect. I already knew I had fallen in love with this man. The day of the race, I wanted to simply stay out of his way, his head space. As a former athlete, I understood the focus and the nerves of a major event. Instead, he insisted I stay right with him until his start time. I stood on the beach while he finished his swim warm up. Just as he was about ready to join his starting heat. He walked up to me, threw his arms around me pulling me close, he kissed me and whispered “I love you, see you soon,” then turned on his heel and joined the group.

I stood completely still. I was puzzled. Everything inside me was all over the place, I almost felt lost. I immediately tried to focus, and told myself “move.” I convinced myself to walk back toward the beach to find his family. My heart fluttered. I knew exactly what had happened, I just didn’t know what to do about it. In that moment, I fell even more in love with this man. I missed him before he head even set out to start what would be a gruelling 5 hours ahead for him. I now felt part of it. I stood at every view point. Refreshing the IronMan App constantly watching for his Splits to update so I could figure out how long it would be before I’d see him at the next point in the race. My heart pounded in the minutes that passed by like hours as I waited to see that he had survived each segment of the race. 

It isn’t in the easiest moments that our relationship has grown over these past few months. It has been in the challenging and vulnerable moments that my heart has continued to open, and I feel my love expanding and growing in ways I’ve never experienced. It is the “easy” everyone describes. The way that I can be me, knowing he thinks I’m cute when I’m mad, beautiful when I’m a disaster, and adoring of my every flaw to a point that it no longer makes me uncomfortable. That’s what easy feels like…

Time - A building block for the foundation of a relationship.

There are more moments i can’t help but wonder why this time feels so different? How I feel so certain, secure and happy. How the past has finally been laid to rest in peace - how everything that has happened makes complete and perfect sense. Acceptance. While true vulnerability is no less frightening than it’s ever been, this time my feet are planted firmly on the ground. There is no need or reason to run. Why? How? Because my single most important love language is being met, quality time.

I can reflect easily now and see where I lost my way in the past. Why I felt so frustrated, afraid, uncertain and for a brief period - insecure. I was involved in relationships that would never have the chance to take off, and rightfully. As my mother always reminds me, the only way to really build a relationship is to spend time with the person you want to know. My friends have also supported this notion, making space in our friendship for me to explore my relationship without feeling pressure to fit it all in the way I’ve always done.

This past week - I had the chance to escape for a few days to Chad’s cottage. We had both had a crazy few weeks between our jobs, travel and his training. I hadn’t even realized until we were alone how much I craved the chance to just escape. To escape the stress, the distractions, and the every day demands of life. Alone at last, we shared a bottle of wine as the last of the sunset faded into the lake before us. There was quiet. The breeze was soft. I closed my eyes, inhaled and embraced the warmth of his strong hand on my knee. I held that breath, bringing the world inside me to a complete standstill. I needed to feel this moment, and I needed everything to stop long enough for my heart to feel the magic of this connection. I exhaled slowly, opening my eyes to look at him. The moment required no words. He turned, fixing his beautiful blue eyes on mine, and smiled. I squeezed his hand, and felt a shiver as the sun disappeared and the chill of the night air set in. He stood up, pulling me out of the Muskoka Chair and embraced me, we made our way back into the Cottage. 

In my comfiest pajamas, I curled up on the couch beside him to watch a movie. I couldn’t pin it, but I needed this escape, to recenter, to reconnect, to rebalance. I needed to find quiet to check in with myself, my heart. After four years alone, the past few months had been surreal. A person who made the time. Who put priority on building a relationship. Who, like me, believed.

We spent every free moment walking, talking, sharing. We cooked together, ate together, relaxed together, exercised together - we grew together. With the freedom to be ourselves, we explored the boundaries of who we were as individuals and together. We each sought to understand each other in a new way. Not to be like one another, but to appreciate how we could support each other. I wanted to know how I could support him both professionally and in his personal goals. I felt the reciprocal from him.

At the end of the day, perhaps where or how we meet someone, how long we’ve known someone, how much we want someone, how hard we try are really not indicative of the likelihood of a relationship getting off the ground. Perhaps there are no rules, no timelines. For me however, the time invested has made the difference - relieving the uncertainty, providing security, building the connection. For every person who’s ever made the excuse “i’m busy,” I can finally say with truth “we all are.” You make the time when you want to. Chad and I both hold busy jobs, and social lives - when you are ready, and interested, there are no excuses. You want so badly to share the moment, you create them. 

If you’re making excuses for a busy person, or you are making an excuse to someone else about how busy you are - I can only urge you to be honest with yourself…

While there was a time I believed that a relationship might “restrict” my life to some capacity, I now firmly believe it to be just the opposite. I feel supported, freed from the worry and encouraged to grow and expand both as an individual and within a partnership.

Rediscovering Freedom in a Relationship

All my life I had visions of everything I ever wanted in life. The dress I would buy for a special event, the career of my dreams, the home, the life, the man… I never found any one of those dresses. I found better ones. As for the rest of life, after many ups and downs, I finally traded that vision for hope.  Hope in my heart that whatever was coming would be better than I could imagine anyway. I gave up the frustration, the search and the disappointments in that same trade.

Life evolved. I settled into what I finally considered an amazing life. Yes, Single. I moved to the City, grew my social network, focused on my career, and took many steps forward. I decided I’d figured it out. Opportunities I had never imagined came my way; events, people, new challenges, life experiences - I had the chance to walk a long road back to who I was and away from what I’d become. To rediscover the soul at the core of my existence. What made her happy, what she really wanted. To let go of what I had learned to want from the world. I had never thought it would be possible to simply enjoy the freedom of being on my own. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable for a while. To wake up each day and do WHATEVER I wanted. To be accountable to no one. To live a selfish existence after years of believing I was responsible for holding up the world around me. Turns out, it never needed my help in the first place. Life carried on with or without my input. People were living their lives as they pleased, and it was time I finally started to live my own. 

Stumbling, I began to explore the edges of my existing boundaries, gradually expanding them and my comfort zone. At ease in my own skin at last, I lost interest in dating. I was busy enjoying the life I’d discovered. Spending time with friends, exploring new passions. Tired of the disappointments, lack of connection and time sacrificed in the dating world, I wondered if perhaps I was better off alone. I questioned if I would even know how to function in a relationship anymore. My new life was pretty full. I promised myself I would embrace it, and before long, I fell in love with the life I was living.

Just as I’d been promised, when I least expected it. I met someone. All the time I’d spent becoming the strongest version of myself, I suddenly realized I’d never felt weaker, so vulnerable. Here I’d figured the hardest part in life would be going it alone, but I discovered, although I had wanted love so badly, I was afraid I might not know how to share my journey anymore. I had become so independent and after so much work mastering it, I didn’t know if I wanted to give that up. Would I have to give up the life I had come to finally love so much? 

No matter how strong you are, how mature, confident, secure, stable you are, when your heart belongs to someone, all of that strength fades to the background. It would be easier to stand naked in public than to hand someone your heart, and with it feel every hidden insecurity and fear bubble up to the surface. Every wall you’ve ever built falls down, and you realize the power of the person who stands before you, holding your heart. You’re free falling without a safety net, trusting this person to catch and hold your heart softly. There are no certainties, only hope, love, and the strength to bravely learn to walk all over again on new legs.

Managing to take those first few awkward steps, stumbling but without tripping over your own two feet, when you realize you’re no longer walking alone. Now, you must learn to lean a little while together you find an even stride, where walking arm and arm is smooth again.  You can exhale, because even if you trip, that arm around you is strong enough to keep you from falling. The only effort required is the desire to keep the pace, let go and learn that you can lean a little when you’re unsteady. 

As for giving up the life I loved, with the right person, I know I will never have to. Love is freeing. Love is supportive and enriching. Love is the desire to fit in, not interrupt. To grow together, not change directions. It is the support to let go of the questions, and begin expanding in every other area of life, to continue to evolve as a person, without the weight of worry or need to go it alone.

Make Space - It's not "their" words and actions, it's yours...

It’s a common expression in the dating world, words mean little, action says everything. Yet, I have to call myself out on something, and I don’t think I’m alone on this one. There have been many times I have “said” something, more to convince myself I meant it than because I actually did. Like, “I am happy alone” or “I don’t even want a relationship” or “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t bother me” or “I believe I deserve more.” 

What words did you just play through your own head? There are many many statements I’ve made to myself and to others. The truth is, I wanted so badly to believe them that I just kept saying them. But there was a clear difference between the times I felt them, and the times I just said them. 

In hindsight, after the end of various relationships, I would tell my friends, family and myself that I was over dating. That I didn’t care. That it didn’t matter, and that I was perfectly happy alone. I even believed myself for moments at a time. But then came that clear moment where even I knew it wasn’t true. The nights I went home alone and wrapped all of the pillows on my bed around me so I could pretend I wasn’t. The nights I prayed that my heart would be filled with love so I wouldn’t need to find it somewhere else. I could put on a brave face day after day for the world, but I went home at night to face the real one. To look in the mirror, and wonder, why? If the emptiness would ever go away. If the thoughts of what went wrong in the last one would ever leave my mind.

It did, and I learned. I began to understand that it would take work. That I could say anything I wanted, but until I really felt it, lived it and breathed it, nothing changed. After sitting in my own mess of emotions a few times, I felt the release. I felt the weightlessness of my actions and words aligning. The weight of the questions and convincing lifted. Within days, every single time, I met someone special. Like so many had reminded me, it was every time I least expected it. Moreover, every time I actually said and meant that I was happy.

What are you saying? What do you ACTUALLY believe? You might as well look in that mirror and get really honest with yourself. No one else knows or cares if you mean it. No one else will put their head on your pillow and hear your thoughts at night, your worries. Those precious moments are yours to live with. Are you using words to avoid facing what you actually feel? There is nothing more beautiful and releasing than just allowing yourself the freedom to feel, to endure, to let go of whatever it is you are pushing aside. Believe it or not, it might just be the one thing that is occupying the space in your life that is needed to make room for whatever is coming next. Can you tap in, feel it, and truly let it go. Make space…

Timing is everything... when you're both ready.

While I write about forgetting “the rules” of dating, I have recently found myself having to consciously live by that same philosophy. Incredible how programmed we can become to protect ourselves in vulnerable situations. I have been blessed to have met someone with whom rules don’t apply. In fact, things get better and better, easier and easier when there are no rules. I don’t have to pretend I’m not interested for him to come closer. I don’t have to build a busy schedule so I can appear busy (unfortunately I just am busy right now…).

Yet, I have recently caught myself saying things like “every girl”, or “someone,” instead of “I” and “you.” Fortunately, I’ve met the kind of man who is ready, open and very much interested. He recently called me out, I didn’t even realize how my language was making him feel until he outright said to me, “I don’t care what every girl wants, I want to know what you want?” It shocked me. I hadn’t realized how even my language had become programmed with “nonchalant” responses. Over the years of disappointed dating, I had formed some bad habits. 

I used to live by “the rules.” The very ones that have sold millions of dollars worth of books telling single’s how to play the game. How to catch a relationship and keep it. What if the real rule was, be yourself and the right one will find you? Seems simple. Until you realize being completely, honestly and truly just yourself leaves you wide open to rejection. We can lose jobs, lose relations with people we know, but the fear of losing someone we truly love forces us to reject ourselves as we are. Suddenly we question if that person is good enough, smart enough, loveable enough to keep someone in our lives.

I remember dating a guy once who planned a date with me, then noted he broke the “Date/Time Continuum” some rule about not planning a date further out then the same amount of time you’ve known someone. I laugh when I think back, then look at the relationship I am in now. We have broken every rule, I have been my ridiculous self and every time I see him, he feels closer. We can talk openly about uncomfortable subjects without fear that someone will quit and run. What is the difference to every other relationship?

We are both ready… it’s that simple.Timing really is everything. Sure we are both scared. But, we’ve told each other that. In the meantime, we’ve been able to ensure we always know where each other stands. We have the freedom to communicate once a day or all day long without insecurity, overthinking, or fear. It’s amazing how being with someone who is secure and ready frees your own mind to actually grow within your own life. 

As a professional, I have a hectic travel schedule. I’ve never minded being on the road as a single person. I have few commitments at home and have as a result seriously enjoyed the freedom of extending trips, spontaneous nights out, making and meeting up with friends around the continent. I must admit when I travel, I often lose touch with my friends and family while I’m on the road. Between professional meetings, and travelling with a team, there is often very little time that I am alone on the road. When I finally get that time, I am mentally drained and need that time to just unwind alone.  

So… this past week was going to be a real test in my new relationship. Fortunately, he is also an executive and very much appreciates the travel life. This week, we both travelled thousands of miles to different cities (him internationally). I wondered if it might be the first time I started to question things. I knew we would be on a 5 hour time difference, and with very different looking schedules. Yet, it worked beautifully. If you’ve ever been in an insecure relationship, you can relate to the struggle of watching for a “Read” receipt to an instant message, or waiting hours upon hours with no response. However, when communication is open and you feel secure, you are freed from ever wondering. There were days we may have only said “xo” to each other, and twice I was shocked when my text message actually prompted a telephone call because we both had a few minutes to talk. 

All of this not only makes me happy, but makes me also truly appreciate that playing by the rules and keeping someone in your life who doesn’t belong there anyway is such wasted energy and mental space. The freedom I have now to expand in all areas of my life is beyond rewarding. So my friends, I say again… clear the noise in your head, and follow your heart. If you want to say something, say it. If you want to do something, do it. You will know when it’s right. When you have the freedom to be completely yourself, when you are at home in your own heart. Love is there…<3

Dream Date, Bermuda

Like most singles, I’ve dated many in search of the seemingly elusive feeling called love. I read all the books, done lots of research. I’ve chased the bad boys. I half listened to the advice of many, the cliche’s especially, “you’ll just know.” There is nothing more frustrating than being the one on the outside of the inside scoop, and knowing it… except… being stuck in less than awesome relationships.

It was a confusing and heart wrenching roller coaster in the dating world. Every time I let someone in, it ended terribly. I continued to tell myself it would all make sense one day. It was the easiest way to maintain my sanity and continue living my life, believing that the kind of love I truly longed for was still possible, and wouldn’t end in heartache.

If you’ve had the joy of embracing dating in your late twenties and thirties, no doubt you can relate to the hesitation, uncertainty, and in some cases, the games. You need the book, the one with all the written rules about how it should unfold. Let’s face it, games without rules are tough to win. The reality is, I was so tired of the games I considered the possibility that being alone would be just fine.

Then, I met him. The guy who would show me what a “ready” person was. A man who would be willing to put his heart on the table first. Strong enough to stand in front of me while I patiently gave my heart the time and space to explore. It was becoming very clear to me why all of the other situations hadn’t worked out. This man wanted to melt my heart, and he would pull out all the stops until I felt myself hopelessly falling…

After several weeks of amazing dates and quality time, it became very clear to me what “ready” looked like. It gave me a chance to explore the same within myself. A man who could openly share his feelings, and didn’t flinch at my own. It has been all the things I’ve written about for years. No games. No worry about texting when or how often. No concern over whether or not he will call. The next date is locked in before the last one can end. He openly shares his social circle, and wants to be part of mine. He is proud to take photos of us together, to hold my hand in public. I am free to be me.

Naturally, it is scary to come across everything you’ve ever asked for in one person, and so quickly. He planned another date, one that would give me a real opportunity to know him. A weekend in Bermuda. He shopped the flights, coordinated all the details. By the time he asked me, all I had to do was say yes, and book a day off work. It wasn’t about timelines or rules - it didn’t matter how long we’d known each other- we both wanted to spend time together.

I flew to Bermuda with him Friday morning. It was easy. Within minutes of checking into our hotel, we were off for our adventure. He had a scooter, the primary method for travel on the island from his days of living in Bermuda. I hopped on the back, wrapped my arms around his waist and smiled. I already felt close enough to trust him with my life. He took me to The Reefs, my first chance to feel the pink sand between my toes, and dip my feet in the turquoise waters. He watched me with a smile, which made me smile. He was attentive and engaged. He even wanted our photo. We found a table overlooking the water to sit for lunch. He was certain I would, in 48 hours, experience the best of Bermuda. I sipped my first Rum Swizzle, and soaked up the sun. We shared lunch and talked for an hour. Without distraction, no cell phones, no where to be.

 He took me to town. Thoughtful and considerate of my lifestyle, and a clear sign he paid attention to every detail with me, he took me his favourite health food store to pick up some snacks for the weekend. We picked up champagne, and some groceries, and went back to the hotel. We changed into our swimsuits, poured a glass of champagne and headed to the hot tub to catch the sunset over the harbour. A moment that melted my heart for sure. I was happy. Relaxed. He made me feel special. The day was far from done, he whisked me off to dinner at Blu. Our conversation was again very different. We both shared more of our pasts. He told me he wanted to know every piece of me. What made me happy. What made me sad. What scared me. All of me. The only thing that could have made the evening more perfect would have been if time could have stood still.

Saturday came quickly, he woke up to meet his triathlon training partners for a long ride around the island. A chance for me to spend some time on my own. I slept in, woke up and hit the gym. My mind was clear, as I hit the treadmill at my fastest pace yet. I squeezed in a Travel WOD and made my way back to the room. I grabbed my laptop and headed for the pool. I was so looking forward to the chance to be alone with my thoughts after a whirlwind few months. The sun kissed my cheeks, the breeze brushed softly over my body. I lay still. I had pictured my head to be swirling with thoughts, but it wasn’t. All the fear was gone. I opened my laptop to write. Up popped the photos I’d taken the day before. I smiled. Rolled onto my belly, closed my eyes, and laid quietly in the sun listening to music. I’m not sure where I went, until I felt something cold in the middle of my back. I turned to see him smiling from above me. He was back, and I wasn’t the least bit sad to give up the quiet time. I was happy to see him. Nothing with him was expected. A week prior, Bermuda was not on my list to do…

We tossed together a bag of towels and a few layers of clothing and he whisked me away on the scooter to show me the rest of Bermuda. We drove to Elbow Beach for another stunning lunch on the turquoise waters. I had surrendered completely to the adventure. I couldn’t come up with a plan if I tried. He opened a big piece of his life to me, as he shared the island that was once his home. We drove to St.Georges. The one shopping trip he had planned was to buy me Perfume at the Perfumery of St. Georges to remember the trip by. My heart melted a little more. Not only was I in one of the most beautiful places on earth, but with an incredible man. My mind drifted to all the moments I’d longed to travel with someone special. It was happening. We walked by the harbour and through the quaint shops. We toured the oldest church on the Island then hopped back on the bike. We drove clear back across the Island to the opposite end and out to The Dockyard. He pointed out all the local spots, his favourite beaches, the homes of people he knew.

On the way back, we stopped to visit one of his friends. The man smiled, pushed my outstretched hand away and hugged me. He welcomed me into his home and out to sit on the balcony overlooking the beautiful Atlantic. It was comfortable. After a quick visit, we set out to spend time by the water. We walked from one beach to the next, as we looked among the 121 incredible beaches for one our very own. He held my hand and walked me into the water, a chicken in the cold, I still followed. I was so warmed by his energy, he sheltered me from the waves the warmth of his skin lightened the shock of the chilled spring time Atlantic waters. In that moment I knew there was no turning back for my heart. I felt safe with him, beautiful, small, and adored. The very things that make up my list of - what am I looking for? We headed back to hotel. I sat on the patio while he poured a bottle of champagne and assembled some grapes and cheese to snack on. Every moment we had to chat was so very welcomed, by both of us.

That night he had planned a special dinner. This was the kind of romance I loved. I got dressed in the bathroom, I didn’t want him to see me until I was ready. When I opened the door, I felt it, adored, appreciated, beautiful. He took my hand and escorted me to the waiting taxi. We set out to catch the sunset at the Waterlot Inn - one of the oldest most renowned restaurants in Bermuda. We had a glass of wine and watched the sunset from the outdoor patio. I snuggled close to him in the breeze. The world around us faded from my mind. Inside, we were seated at his request, at a quiet table by the window. He stared quietly at me in the soft lighting, took my hands in his and smiled. There was no need for words. I felt it too. The meal was unbelievable, but more so was our conversation. We talked about what we both wanted. In the past, it had often been a difficult subject to approach, perhaps the first clue those relationships were not on the same wavelength. We comfortably talked about what love meant to us, our personal needs, desires, all of it. Before it could affect either of us, he acknowledged his own nerves around the topic, it made it easy for me to do the same. It was the perfect date within a date. It was the perfect day.

Sunday was bitter sweet. We woke up to make breakfast and crawl back into bed to enjoy it. We talked about the weekend, he asked if I’d plan another trip with him before I left today. I couldn’t help but smile. With only a few more hours together, we were determined to make the most of it. We threw on our swimsuits and headed for the beach. We parked at Horseshoe Bay, one of the longest most beautiful pink sand beaches in Bermuda. we walked all the way down, and two beaches over. He stopped, hugged me. I hugged him back, my mind drifted again. This was something I had longed to do for so long. He asked again about planning another trip. We rhymed off some places and our schedules. It didn’t even matter to me, when or where. I was already looking forward to it. We walked back and straight into the beautiful blue water. It was as though the ocean was 10 degrees warmer. It was the perfect last day. By the time I got back to pack, I realized I was sad to leave without him.

One last lunch and he would take me back to the airport. He was staying on a few days to train, and I had to be in Montreal on Monday. We found lunch at the Swizzle Inn before arriving at the airport. He parked and walked in with me. He insisted I check my bag and then we sneak off to another beach nearby for 20 more minutes. We did. We laid on the lifeguard platform in the shade. Quiet but close. I hadn’t felt this is a long time, I was already going to miss him. I told him ‘I’m not really needy, but right now I am…” He laughed, he had been teasing me all day about missing my flight and staying with him. It was the perfect end to a perfect weekend. 



It has been a long time since someone has captured my mind and heart. I don’t know what or how or why. I am simply enjoying every moment of this adventure. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but everything in life is worthwhile…and this, is very different.

A Big Ask, Delivered... Why You Need to Believe

In the years I’ve been consciously exploring the world of relationships and dating, I have always tried to see the lessons in the pain and the blessings in the joy. I have held in my heart the deepest level of hope for something great, and continued to spread the word both to encourage others and myself to never settle. The heart is a precious gift, filled with more love than can ever be given. Spreading love is a beautiful way to keep the heart open, and full. As one of my favourite quotes explains, you can only keep what you give away. Yet, I have also always believed in holding your heart for the one who truly deserves it, patiently living with hope that you will find someone special enough to deserve it.

My admission to you, I continued to write about hope and faith for years as a way to grow and restore my own. Through ups and downs, I’ve had my moments like so many of you. Afraid, hurt, empty. I’ve also been blessed to know the other side, love, inspiration, connection. I have spent the past five years of my life hoping to find and continue to believe in a source of love. I have faced much criticism and in some cases have questioned my own belief in the one thing I crave most, a love of the deepest kind.

I have been told my expectations were too high. Reminded that no one is perfect. Suggested I’m looking for the impossible. I continued wish for the kind of love I only dreamed of. I made a list in my heart of what I wanted to feel, what the perfect relationship could look like. I made a big ask of the Universe, and then I remained hopeful.

I dated, I laughed, I cried, I fell, I learned, I loved, I hurt. In the end, I looked to what each person taught me about myself. I had times I wanted to quit. Times I was excited for whatever might lay around the corner. I explored a few relationships that didn’t sustain me. I settled at times on distractions to keep myself reminded of what was possible, but mostly I continued to learn what I didn’t want.

Then… about a month ago, someone incredible walked into my life. Whether it is for now or forever, this man has already shown me that if you ask, and believe, it can happen. I need to be honest with you, sometimes, getting everything you ever wanted is harder than settling for things you never deserved. It is an incredible yet terrifying experience. 

I met a man who over the course of several dates has delivered everything I have asked the universe for. Kindness, warmth, strength, vulnerability, generosity of spirit, depth, emotion, sensitivity, patience, thoughtfulness, chivalry, romance, love. All of the pieces I have written about these past few years.

As if to prove all “cliche’s” correct, this man has certainly shown me without a shadow of a doubt why none of the other relationships worked out. I assumed after writing about it, thinking about it, and talking about it for so long, it would be a simple thing to fall in love again. To meet someone who’s happiness was as important to me as my own. What I have discovered, is no matter how much work I have done to prepare for it and understand it, there is nothing in the world scarier than true vulnerability.

After a number of the most perfect dates, hours upon hours of conversation, I found myself subconsciously fighting not to let myself fall for this person. Then it happened. He laid his heart on the table, and made one ask, “don’t break my heart.” After that, he continued to stand before me, showing up day after day while I chewed on the thought of letting go. I felt all uncertainty, the fear. I was afraid that I might break his heart, and wondered if I should pull away. I have had a history of running when my heart was on the line. I, like him, did not want my heart broken either. I sat with his words. He never pressed me for an answer. He continued to show up, being the same person he was from the moment I met him. Open, honest, and vulnerable. He now stood emotionally naked before me. He told me outright, he was looking for long term. He had said everything to me I had been quietly asking the world for. Yet, I was frozen. I had no words. I could only tell him, I didn’t want to run.

I mustered up the courage to tell him I was scared. I didn’t have the answers. I only knew that the more time I spent with him, the more time I craved. The weight of fear lightened. I told him I was overwhelmed and digesting all that had happened, all that he was, that all that I’d dreamed of was standing before me, and it was going to take me time to accept it. He accepted my answer, and in that moment, I felt my heart open even further than ever before…

I have no idea what the future holds. I can only say, today, I understand and accept everything that has happened in my life until this point. Now I have but one responsibility, to accept all the wonderful things I asked for…

He asked me, “where have you been all my life?” I replied, “Geting ready…” He smiled.

Good Old Fashioned Courtship...

Not only will you get what you put up with in relationships, but even better, you will also get what you ask for. Which way are you starting your relationships? In recent weeks I’ve been more open to dating again.After a bit of a hiatus to focus on some personal projects and a busy few weeks with my career, I met a few men who captured my interest. 

One particular guy took me for a drink. It was a nice first date. Some great chat, a light and fun connection. A sweet kiss. I saw him a couple more times after that, great guy, but I wasn’t interested anymore in just hanging out. I have been all too guilty of allowing that, then realizing that’s all the relationship would become. I’m not that girl. I like romance. I want to date.

After continually putting that message out to the universe and many more first dates, like anyone I wondered if maybe my standards were too high after all. Until…

A man walked into my life and raised the bar. We met for a drink right after I flew home from a busy week on the road. When I arrived to the restaurant/bar, he told me he had actually made us a reservation in case I was hungry after a long day. I felt that little tug at the heart string. He was flexible to my being held at the mercy of an airline and traffic into the downtown core from the airport at rush hour, on a rainy night with the Blue Jays Home Opener at the same time. He was thoughtful and appreciative. We had amazing conversation - naturally with little investment, it was easy to just be myself. At one point during the night I told him I wasn’t looking for fireworks, or a relationship for the sake of having one. I was looking for romance, a man to date for the rest of my life. A partner to inspire and be inspired by. Not long after dinner, he insisted I head home to rest with a CrossFit competition scheduled early the next morning. He hugged me and put me in a taxi. I was a bit shocked, and stunned. By the time I arrived home, he had texted me to thank me, ensure I had arrived safely, and asked me to text throughout the day to update him on the event.

The next day he texted to see if he could call me to arrange a second date the following day. We chatted for a bit, he wanted to spend a day with me. Unfortunately this wasn’t an option as I had commitments the following Saturday. So we agreed to a Friday date. He picked the place we would meet, I offered to pick the restaurant. When I arrived to meet him that night, he hugged me and handed me a gift bag filled with dark chocolate. I had told him I loved dark chocolate when we joked about not eating dessert. I was a bit miffed. But smiled on the inside.

It was the perfect date… we window shopped throughout Yorkville, sipped champagne, then went to dinner. Conversation was effortless, he was affectionate without being overwhelming. Polite and thoughtful. By the time we finished dinner we hadn’t even noticed the restaurant had emptied. He told me he didn’t want the night to end, took my hand, kissed me and thanked me for picking a great restaurant. We walked out the door and around the corner to a place he loved for one last drink. There he asked if I had enjoyed the evening, and outright if we could have a third date. He then walked me back to the main street, hailed two taxis, kissed me and sent me home to rest. I smiled to myself, shoes, champagne, chocolate and a gentleman… could this be real?

I arrived home with a smile, texted as he’d requested to let him know I’d arrived and that I’d enjoyed my day and evening. He called me special, and wished me sweet dreams. The next day he called, just as he said he would. Asked if we could have a “date” on Sunday. We would shop for food and he would cook me dinner. It was so easy. I told him it sounded like the “perfect sunday.” From there, I went about my day. I woke up Sunday, two of my girlfriends had slept over after an event and we had plans to go to brunch. I turned my phone on to a beautiful good morning text that read “welcome to the Perfect Sunday”. I couldn’t hide the smile on my face, my girlfriends were just as excited, “he texted you this morning didn’t he?” We laughed and joked about the 3am texts Jasmine had received, and how it was refreshing to get a gentleman-like text instead. I wrote back to let him know I loved good morning texts. He asked me to call him after brunch. 

Brunch with my girlfriends is always my favourite part of the week. We rehashed the event the night before, and laughed at the variety of different encounters that were experienced with a male dominated crowd. We noted the difference between being the one to engage the conversation and waiting for it to happen. Two of my girlfriends had exchanged several numbers, and had the time of their lives laughing and flirting with a number of men. The best part was sitting around laughing about it over brunch. Just as we were finishing, he texted me - looking forward to our date. I felt slight a shiver run through my body. A touch excited, a touch nervous. I couldn’t pin it. I was so looking forward to more time with him, and so shocked by how easy it was to sit back and not be the one doing the work.

I arrived at his house. We drove together to the shops at Don Mills. As if he read my mind, he took my hand and we walked to pick up tea for our shop at McEwan’s. We talked about theming our dinner that evening, and after a story about a mango throwing monkey, we couldn’t help but laugh when Teavana had 2 tea flavours with the word monkey in it. We walked to McEwans tea in hand and explored the store. I actually love grocery stores, especially specialty stores. I was fascinated. We picked a mango theme and found some mango cheese, a mango marinade and a fresh mango for desert. As we approached the cashier, he stopped, with a serious face looked at me. I froze. He said “I would like to buy you flowers, but I want to pick them.” Relieved and shocked, I didn’t know what to say. Instead of making me say anything he leaned forward and kissed me, then walked toward the flower display and began hand selecting and building a bouquet. It was gorgeous. I was absolutely stunned. I blushed, and said “that might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done.” He hugged me and we left.

At home, he prepared a cheese platter and suggested we catch the last of the sun from him second floor patio. He then opened his fridge and pulled out a bottle of champagne, and suggested we had more to celebrate. I was a puddle of mush. Was this for real? We talked, sipped champagne, and enjoyed the cheese. I learned that the actually played the piano, not just the owner of a turn of the century grand piano. He offered to play for me. I stood over his shoulder as he struck the first chord. I felt a rush of heat to my face. A wave of emotion came over me as I listened to a song he had written. I thought I might cry, before I could he finished, and looked up, I hugged him. Would anyone even believe me if I could tell them about this date?

The evening was simply effortless, romantic and unassuming. I told him he was a gentleman. He told me he was traditional, and liked to take things slow. I smiled, that was exactly what I wanted. He was courting me. I had gotten so used to doing all the work, asking for nothing and putting up with the outcome, I was out of my element in this situation. He wanted nothing more than a kiss and appreciation. He packed up food for my lunch the next day, re-wrapped my flowers and sent me on my way. I didn’t think he could have topped the second date. He told me I’d been dating the wrong people…

Where in the past I would have been cautious about what I asked for upfront, I have truly enjoyed the surprises and a man who both rises to the occasion and believes in good old fashioned chivalry. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, flowers, a phone call, use of the word “Date”, I could go on… courting. Wherever it goes, it doesn’t even matter, my heart is open, and full, and a real gentleman has shown me they do exist. I haven’t been preaching about unicorns after all. Never settle.

Smiling from the inside out.