Let Go and Get Out of the Way... A Leap of Faith!

Countless times in life I have found myself trapped... in a moment, an emotion, a difficult situation. The nights you awake and can't settle the mind. I'm certain many can relate.  I've come to the realization it is without question almost always over a internal struggle at the idea of holding on or letting go. Often I've emotionally lost the battle and found myself running from the problem rather than tackling it.

There is a lesson however, that continues to pop up in the relationships where I've been plagued in this manner. Like it or not, this quote sums it up:

"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end..."

What has this meant?  No matter what situation I have tried to sweep under the rug it has continually resurfaced in my life until I've figured out what it that I'm supposed to learn or gain from it. The biggest lesson that has taught me is that I don't have to fight to hold on to things. They will continue their presence in my life according to a greater plan that is not my own.  I can make it easier on myself when I take the passenger seat once in a while...

"Some people think it is holding on that makes one strong - sometime's it is letting go..."

Save yourself the energy, and have faith that what's meant to be will be.  If you are hanging on to things and people that aren't meant to be apart of your life, you may be getting in the way of your own life.  There is a plan far greater for you then any you've imagined...

This is my moment...

Some days it feels like I'll never figure it out!  Then you have an "a-ha" moment and things get a little clearer... it always seems to come out of a conversation, a book, something you see on tv... the only thing that is clear is that I never seem to learn this while examining my own life.  This weekend, I had another one of those moments, and the funny part is, my a-ha is really about how I create all of my own problems... and the solution is "seemingly" very simple!

Here it is, through some conversations with friends about disastrous dates, and relationship challenges, and through the reading of a book recommended to me by several (Excuses Begone! by Dr. Wayne Dyer), the recurring theme has been "be in the moment". That's it, that's all!!! I know, seriously, can it really be that easy? Well, yes, in theory...

A few personal examples... in dating, I can't even count the number of times I have grown frustrated or upset with a situation or person, in hindsight, 99% of the time it has been because I was looking ahead, not living in the moment. This is especially difficult very early on in dating when there is nothing but uncertainty. We often look so hard for "answers", "signs" anything that tells us there is a future. But perhaps we are missing the point... the future is not ours, not yet. All we have is this very moment. If we can stay in that, we can let go of the unnecessary pressure, the fear, the scenarios we are creating for ourselves, and just enjoy what is right now.  It is looking ahead that allows our mind to create situations that we have no way of predicting, we don't even know if tomorrow will come. That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, and the person you are dating.  When a friend tells me about a trainwreck dating scenario, it always seems to come down to emotional reactions that can only be related to not living in the moment.

In my most current dating situation, with Aaron, I have been able to do just that. Be in the moment.  I'm not worrying about the next message or phone call or date. I'm not worried if he's out with someone else or if he is the one for me. When I see him, I am in the moment. I enjoy it, I live it, I take it for what it is worth.  There is no pressure. It is about me in that moment, how I'm feeling, if I'm listening to my own heart and soul.  If I'm not enjoying the moment, then it's up to me to make the change. When I am living my life in the moment, I am not worried about the things that take me away from living the life I want to be living.

Think about the hardest thing you've had to do, the biggest thing that ever worried you? Did it have anything to do with the very moment you were living in when it troubled you?  The exam you worried about, did you not eventually get through it? The Date that made you nervous. Even the moment you ran into an ex with someone else. All of those difficult moments were a) nothing you could have predicted b) nothing you couldn't survive and move on from. So when you start worrying about what's next, and you forget to be in the moment, you are letting your mind create a fear that isn't even real.

When you feel yourself struggling, keep it simple, bring your mind and heart back to the moment...

"This is my moment, I waited all my life. I can tell it's time. Drifting away, I'm one with the sunset, I have become alive" ~Moment 4 Life (Nicki Minaj)

When your mind runs the show...

Coincidence or theme... lately I find my discussions with friends, male and female alike have centered around a very common topic - Fear...  even more entertaining, my horoscope today which advised not letting Fear hold me back in life or career. 

A challenging discussion and relationship failure with Chris brought to light a topic near and dear to many relationships, what is appearing more and more to be the pitfall of any relationship that breaks down - Fear. In a casual discussion the other night with friends, I realized how very different we as humans experience fear. A girlfriend described her fear of different sports and dangerous situations. It made me laugh and look at myself and come to a realization... when it comes to most areas of life, I'm a "Balls-to-the-Wall" kind of girl. First to jump at a sporting or adventure opportunity, travel experience, you name it... not afraid to fly, surf, jump out of a plane, try something new and fall on my face. In business, I say it like it is. I disagree at times, ask for clarification, debate, raise a hand, raise an idea. The same can be said in my family and friendships.  Why is it in an intimate relationship I find moments where I'm tongue-tied by fear?

From my conversation with Chris this week to listening to various friends this weekend, I am becoming more and more aware of all the reasons people hold things back in relationships, and how quickly that becomes destructive behaviour.  I can now look back and clearly identify a number of situations that upset me, rather than saying anything, I bottled it up... eventually the pressure of the steam will inevitably blow the top off any boiling pot. LOL. That's always the tipping point, and usually happens over something completely ridiculous. I'm sure we've all been there. Looking back it's kind of funny, but if you remember the moment, it wasn't so fun...  So we often learn from it and most of us over time learn to speak up because we know it's not worth holding on to. 

Interestingly, I felt I had made some major life breakthroughs in this realm.  But every now and again there's someone who stirs up those old behaviours, and that is what happened with Chris. It comes down to vulnerability. A situation that you become so uncomfortable in that without thought you revert to old behaviours. The good news is, awareness is everything.

Where does fear come from? A few things, but generally, it is a matter of thinking. It creeps in as we get ahead of the moment. When we start looking to the future, and the "What ifs" take over. The creation of scenarios which seem realistic in our heads. Then you tell someone what you're thinking, and realize, if we were seriously this psychic, we'd have life figured out. We can let go of the fear, of something that is not real when we realize, this moment is all we have. And despite every fear we've ever had, we're still here today, living and breathing, and life isn't so bad... so next time you are afraid to speak, share, act or feel... ask yourself what the worst case would be?  At the end of the day, will you not just survive the same way you always have? And if you never put it out there, never take that risk... just how much of life and opportunities are you potentially missing out on?

"Can't get it if you don't keep giving!" ~One Life (Hedley)

What is Normal anyway???

Someone asked me the other day if I felt my childhood was "normal". The only thing I could come up with was "what is normal?". Truth be told, I'm not sure is normal exists... We are human, unpredictable, sensitive, emotional, irrational at times, we think, feel, and respond to everything in ways that depend on a million different variables at any given time. So perhaps, I'd like to propose that normal for me would be to be with someone who understands and accepts all of me. The fun, serious, emotional, crazy, strategic and irrational chick that I can be in any given moment. Perhaps that is what normal will be when I find it ;)

For now, here's the latest... I have started spending more time with Aaron. We all talk about wanting "normal" and "stable", and here I am, seeing the guy for over a month who is unbelievably normal and stable so far, and it FREAKS me out! LOL.  Call me crazy... BUT, then I meet up with Chris, we haven't seen each other in almost a month, and our only communication lately has gone extremely wrong. After my little cease and dismiss routine last week, he has been in touch regularly... seemingly wanting to talk through what happened and why I would end a "friendship" in that sudden way. Now, I'm hardly an expert on normal... but after a brief intimate relationship and only 3 months of knowing someone, this just seems bizarre.  On the upside... it is settling and reassuring my feelings for Aaron.

Normal isn't so bad... why do we often feel the need to go looking for crisis in calm waters?

You are beautiful...

For a long time I was that girl... the one I often hear from today, trying to understand what was so wrong with me that I attracted the wrong types, had disastrous relationships and dating experiences, and couldn't find the love or respect I felt I deserved.

A tough lesson, but one I continue to learn... living and learning. No one will love you or see how beautiful you are, until you love and see how beautiful you are yourself.  Perhaps the simplest, yet most difficult lesson to learn. It's easy to look at someone else and think they have it easy. I've watched those closest to me who seem to have it figured out. The common denominator... they believe they are worth it. They are willing to walk away, they choose to be in relationships because they want to be, not because they need to be, and believe they would be just as strong and happy standing alone on their own two feet.

I watched a best friend, who is in an amazing relationship, go toe to toe to let her other half know that she was not going to tolerate a behaviour, to the point that she reminded him that she could walkaway. I asked if her she really meant it, knowing how much she loved him. She said absolutely! If that's the way he's going to be, I don't need it.  It blew my mind... But what blew my mind more, was how much he respected her for calling him out, how sorry he was, and how much he truly appreciated and valued his relationship with her. What at first I thought might have been an abrupt approach that I might not have tried as I hate the conflict, actually grew the respect and appreciation in their relationship.

So what is the problem... the problem is when we fail to recognize that we are one of a kind! We have a choice, we are beautiful and if someone doesn't love us for who we are, then someone else will. The many times I have felt stuck, "in a rut", and I've looked to my friends for guidance begging them to tell me how to move forward, they've said the same thing... you just do... one foot in front of the other.  For those of you stuck in this rut, two of my favourite quotes:

"How do you make a life? Put one foot in front of the other, make some choices, take some chances..."

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious, and curiousity keeps leading us down new paths" ~ Walt Disney

When you're done learning your lessons, you will be tested...

Just when you think you've got everything mastered... you've found your groove, you're feeling strong, things are going your way... that was me until Monday! LOL.  Didn't see this week coming ;).

So wtf happened??? Well... here's the conclusion I've come to... there's always a test at the end of every lesson.  Have you ever sat in an exam room, opened the booklet, had a minor meltdown... a moment of complete and utter panick where you think you have studied all of the wrong material and know nothing on the papers in front of you?  I can look back now and laugh, this happened to me in University more times than I can count on two hands. When the logical part of my brain caught up, the wheels caught traction and stopped spinning out of control. I did what most people do, flipped through, reading the questions, looking for even one that I knew the answer too. Eventually I'd find another one... and another one... then I'd go back to the beginning and repeat the process. The answers eventually came to me. By the end of the exam, I'd usually forgotten the horrible sense of panick and emotion that initially almost paralyzed me from completing the exam.

For me, dating and relationship life has produced some very similar circumstances.  I'm not going to lie... this week started out with that very same panick in the form of an irrational and emotional response to a handful of situations that left me spiralling... Unfortunately the difference between life and an exam paper is that there are people involved. You can fool that paper into not realizing you were ever worried... but people... not so much.

Here I was, finding a rhythm... happy, open, ready, receptive... and just as I have continued to share time after time, that's when Sh&% hits the fan for me every time. The universe has my number, sends out the signal, and everything collides... people, relationships, memories come out of the woodworks to join the party.  The key would have been to retreat, the way my logical mind does in an exam. The human side of my mind does what we all do... REACTS... and in the heat of the moment, that never ends well.  I've learned that lesson, I know it well, and I've been tested repeatedly on the subject, to which I have a 50% fail rate... :). So, inevitably, I must know that lesson is coming again soon...

Here it was... I'd learned to let go, be responsible for my own happiness, live for today, love myself, stay true and hold boundaries... then every piece of unresolved history showed up. It was shaping up for an epic fail... somehow, this time the damage was contained to only one of the relationships. When the logic kicked in, I retreated from it all... stepped back to assess, take care of my own needs, and let the dust settle. Today, I can look at the questions/lessons and see one by one that I am capable of dealing with them. I just reacted too soon, sometimes like an exam question, the brain needs to process things before it can produce the response. 

What did it come down to... fear.  Fear paralyzed my ability to see the situations for what they were, and to assess my truth in the matter - how I felt, and what I needed. I initially resorted to the me before the lesson... but today, I see there is no truth to the fear. The panick of Jason being back in my city, accepting poor treatment instead of protecting my own needs and righs, the what ifs, the whys, the what nows... the many many questions that rose out of the collision of so many things that have haunted my past. Knowing today, I have a choice... we all do. I have a choice, so why do I have to wonder what if?  We don't...

Don't ask what if... ask what you want!

The Boomerang Effect... you can run but you can't hide!!!

Here it is... just when you think life is on the verge of settling down again. Ha!!! Don't be fooled... I have once again had to learn that you can run but you can't hide. Ever swept a problem under the rug, and it just kept crawling out?  I assumed one of my problems was dealt with when it moved half way across the country... today, I felt the boomerang effect.

Let me first preface this discussion, by laying the framework for the day. Today is Valentine's Day... a Hallmark Holiday that carries with it a host of different pressures. I began the day as well as could be, filled with "No Expectation" and warmed by a flood of messages from good friends wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. Who needs more than that right? 

Then... came a message from Chris, who seemed shocked and angry that I had of course deleted him and suggested we go our separate ways. Here is goes back to the idea of can you really be friends with someone after sharing intimate moments?  Well... let the chaos begin. I got an earful about how poorly I handled the situation yesterday. While some valid points were made, I finally concluded this was not the right day, emotions running too high, to make any decisions. We left the conversation with me needing some time to think...

Round 2 - a message from Jason, the first love and loss of my life who relocated west. Ironically, we fell apart one year ago tomorrow. When I found out he received the offer to move West. Well, today, I received word, one year later that he is moving back to Ontario, and by the sound of things back to the very city I live in. Other woman, and baby in tow... and there you have it. The boomerang... out of sight out of mind was not going to fix this one. The problem is back. I have no choice now but to face it, otherwise the city I live in is going to become one claustrophobically small space...

On a high note, although every ounce of me considered curling up in fetal position and surrendering. I realize, everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for this. Everytime we think we can not deal with life and so many things being thrown at us, we survive to see another day. And the pain, and situation passes. So I remain true to my favourite quote of all time:

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it. If it changes your life, let it. No one ever said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it"

At the end of the day, Aaron called... and somehow it felt amazing... I know the sun will come up tomorrow. And whatever happens next, is all just part of the journey for me...

A favourite quote of a very good childhood friend comes to mind:

"Life is not measured by moments, but by the moments that take your breath away..." 

What a Day!!!

What a day... you know the inevitable type. The one where things just come to a head and there is no more coasting along and ignoring a situation. I found myself wide awake from about 1am until 4am this morning. I often wonder if I can either predict crazy days, or if my lack of sleep contributes to it. In this case, I swear I knew it was coming...

I started the day sending a nice message to Chris, commenting on how time flies relating to a photo he had on his profile that was taken on our second date. The conversation starter seemed to set the tone for a positive communication. But for whatever reason, that was not hte direction Chris planned. Perhaps it was because I was tired... or perhaps I hit that "moment of clarity" I've often referred to. Whatever the case may be, Chris pushed me a little too hard. I finally stood up for myself, and laid a boundary, in fact, I think I finally tied a loose end. After the conversation went down a dark path for no reason at all, I found myself upset enough, and no longer interested in even worrying about the outcome. I laid it out to Chris that I was done accepting this behaviour, and that it was time to go our separate ways.

Talk about a load off... I don't remember ever feeling so sure about severing ties with anyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm saddened at the end of something. But looking back, I realize an important lesson that I have learned about relationships, and one that I have shared with countless friends who find themselves in the same place... sometimes the thing that keeps us stuck, that draws us in, the holds on and prevents us from letting go... is nothing more than the dream of something that never was. The idea we had when things got started, the "what could be", and not the "what is"... when we are finally able to look at a situations for "what is" true, we can finally accept and let go of what we thought might be, and take those much needed steps to move forward.

For all you single people, we are sitting on the verge of what can be a very tough day... Valentine's Day... an awkward Hallmark Holiday for those of us who are single, on the end of a relationship, or at the very very beginning of something new. The only piece of wisdom I can share, and the one that I am trying to hold myself to...

"No Expectations..." 

Until tomorrow...

Get sick of "you're so lucky you're single!!!"...

Since the breakup of my marriage, I have not been in a single true relationship. For the past 20 months I've heard "you're SO lucky you're single...". That line frustrated me to no end! Did these people really know what it felt like to be alone all the time? Cooking for one, no one to laugh at movies with, no one to wake up to...

Here I am, and for the last few months I can finally appreciate it!  I look around at people who cling to bad relationships because they don't want to be alone. While I have my moments where I would absolutely agree... I am finally beginning to appreciate the little things, and they are many.

Getting up and going to bed when I want
Cooking what I want, take out when I want
No one to argue with over meals, cleaning, what to do
I can watch what I want when I want
I can make a total disaster of my place, or clean it and keep it imacculate
I only have to do my own laundry
Listen to whatever music I want
Go out after work at the drop of a request, no one to justify it to
Stay at the gym as long as I want
So much more...

So I look back and try to understand why even I almost stayed in an unhappy place, what was I afraid of? It's easy to see now, of course hindsight is always 20/20. I didn't know what the hell I wanted... that terrified me.  Now I'm finally finding a groove :) and it's all about me!

For those who sit and say, why is it so easy for others... perhaps it's not, perhaps they wish they could be you! As one of my besties reminds me, one day you will wish you had this time to yourself.

So here I am, living my life! Are you???

Welcome aboard Latvia and United Kingdom - please share your stories!

The Rescue Mission... hey, what are friends for ;)

A girlfriend just came through a similar dating experience to my experience with Chris - the all-in followed by the freak out! Looking back I'm starting to find the situation just plain entertaining. So... after a few weeks of the Freak Out behaviour, Armond invites my friend out again. Hesitant, she insists on a casual evening, encourages Armond to bring a friend, and she brings me.  I think this was genius on her part!  She suggested to me, this would give her a real feel for his behaviour around her in a social situation. It's always easy one on one.

So... the night starts, we arrive at Armond's place at 8pm, his friend Bryan is running late.  The conversation gets off to an awkward start. I can immediately sense the loss in interest in my friend's engagement in the situation. The natural schmoozer in me comes out, working to keep conversation going to at least a tolerable minimum. Bryan arrives a short while later. Now it just gets more awkward. There is a sudden air of arrogance between the guys, and conversation gets a bit irritating. My friend at this point has barely said a word, it's not even 9pm.

A quick text to her to guage her interest, said "Should we just go get dinner ourselves?". Her instant reply, "Yup".  That's it... the signal. She's out! And this should be a fun challenge for me. Given I am likely to never see these guys again I have nothing to lose. The guys plan to take us to an Art Show. It's already 9pm (although only an hour after we arrived). So... I took the opportunity to suggest my friend and I haven't eaten anything and would like to go get dinner, and can meet up with the guys after they finish at the art show. Barely keeping our giggles in, the guys are in utter shock... conversation gets increasingly awkward, the only good thing is that my friend and I are so emotionally uninvested it doesn't phase us one bit. We assure the guys we are just too hungry, and to text us after the show...

We raced out to my car giggling uncontrollably, trying to get in the car as if the guys can't hear us, slipping and sliding in the oncoming snow storm.  We laughed the whole way back to Burlington where we decide we deserve a great girls dinner at the Martini House. And there you have it! The rescue was a total success. We spent the next 2 hours laughing hysterically about the situation, and how much fun it actually made the whole night. The reflected back on relationships that we had once felt so desperate to save, only to realize the situations were wildly entertaining and not worth one ounce of the energy we put into stressing over them.

And so we again can appreciate the true value of friends :). We can survive anything, laugh at anything, and reflect on anything with the right people in our lives. Friends will never let a friend settle. So lean a little.  Turns out dating in pairs can be a LOT of fun!

Ever have to pull or request a rescue mission? Love to hear about it... please share...

Shout outs to the new followers in Malaysia, India, Ukraine, Germany, Russia, Canada, USA. Please share your stories.

Just go with it...

Who doesn't love a little spontaneity?!?  So I finally feel like I've settled into a bit of a groove... although I'm sure I've said that before. I'm sitting in a nice spot where I'm truly not interested in jumping into anything, and am finding myself suprisingly open to the surprises life has in store for me. Eyes wide open, I'm not ready to pull the rip cord and give up what might be coming just yet... for the first time, I'm actually sitting back just a bit and enjoying the ride...

I've almost purged my mind of CHRIS after a few days of no contact. Last night AARON again sent a random message begging me to come see him. I can't explain it, I have been holding out on those spontaneous invites from him... but last night I couldn't help myself.  I feel like a novice at dating... it's been one relationship to the next for most of my life. But I'm finally seeing where the whole thing might not be so bad afterall... especially when you can keep emotions at bay... which also means for me, like most women, keeping intimacy at bay. 

So off I went to visit AARON. To this point we had not even kissed... we've been speaking for almost 2 months now, and have shared 2 evenings in person. For whatever crazy reason, I decided to accept the invite for a "pajama party" at his place with the promise of a pg-13 evening. Feeling strong enough in my position with myself, I went without hesitation. For once, I laid my ground rules. Felt totally comfortable and didn't care if they weren't acceptable...

I arrived at his place, parked the car, and got out to hug him hello. He swept me up, pulled me close and finally planted one on me... and there it was... a moment that actually took my breath away.  Now... this is always a dangerous moment. The one where no matter how controlled your thoughts have been, they risk running out of your control. I was excited... I'd spent the day wondering what that might be like. The two of us stood speechless for a moment before we went inside. To my surprise the evening was comfortable, casual, easy... unlike the past few months worth of visits with CHRIS. There I stood, hair in a pony tail, rocking my LuLu's almost straight from the gym. And none of that mattered. Not sure exactly what any of it means, but for once in my life I just enjoyed every moment of the evening. Enjoying AARON's embrace and kisses, and nothing more... some great conversation and quiet moments. This is different...

Normally, the next day... my mind would be whirling, panicking, computing, wondering. Today, I'm actually happy, exhausted, and just plain ready to go with the flow. A girlfriend asked me to join for a borderline blind double date tomorrow, and I'm just going to go and be in that moment too.

All this time I thought dating was awful... LOL. But I've finally concluded that my old methods of jumping from relationship to relationship just haven't been working. So... I'm going to keep all of my options open until someone comes along who can't stand the thought of me being with anyone else...

We deserve that, so just go with it until it happens... I am :)

Truly unquestionable timing... 1:49am!

Coincidences that I find unexplainable yet truly unbelievable were the reason I decided to start blogging. I truly believe there is something to be said about timing in life. So after experiencing another coincidence in the middle of the night, although it is a rather simple one, I can't help but feel a sense of warmth and enjoyment and wanted to share.

I rolled over at 1:49am this morning, not sure why I had been awake, but wanted to make a quick time check. I picked up my cell phone, which like most people these days doubles as my alarm clock. The very minute I picked it up, it vibrated... the notifier for Text Messages... there is only one person who texts me vs. bbm/whatsapp... AARON. Sure enough... the very second I picked up my phone he texted to say "Can't sleep... grrrrr".  In disbelief, I rubbed my eyes, exited the message, opened it again, then messaged him back to find out if he actually just sent it or perhaps there was a delay. Sure enough... he was live on the other end.

And there you have it... I've been had by another nearly impossibly timed coincidence. What's the meaning of it? Well, there is no answer to that. I would like to take think that Aaron and I were on the same wavelength in that minute... and everything happens for a reason.

Regardless, the thought continues to put a smile on my face today... I hope your eyes are open for the little moments of "unquestionable timing" in your own life :)

Are you really OPEN?

Lately I have been finding a common thread in discussions with my single friends... why am I attracting the wrong/same people?  Ever noticed a pattern of behaviour types in the people you end up exploring dating and relationships with.  I can say the same... It took me a long time to realize that I was continually being faced with the same type of person, and every time it resulted in a "One Sided Relationship" where I was going out of my way, sacrificing my own needs/wants, tip toeing, people pleasing... you name it. It left me exhausted and hopeless in relationships. Worst of all, when those relationships ended, not only did I feel ripped off and resentful, but I quickly found my way right back into another one just like it. Don't get me wrong, they never started that way...

We've all heard the quote, the Definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's what we often do in relationships. We naturally gravitate to what is comfortable, familiar. We can walk into a room of a thousand people and pick out the one that will end up being just like the last one we got away from. So why is that???

I don't think there is an easy answer. After much thought and discussion the only thing I can come up with is, that we are not being truly OPEN. Sure, we all think we are. But what is OPEN?  It doesn't just mean willing to engage. We are all willing to engage, but if you take a really hard look, it always ends up being willing "under the same circumstances".

In my own experience, I recently told you about a first date with AARON, whom I almost gave up on within the first 30 minutes of meeting. I didn't feel the spark I always looked for. I couldn't get the conversation to go in the direction that felt comfortable. I felt the minor sense of panick as my eyes scanned the room for a clock and evacuation route... it did hit me at that moment, the words of so many who reminded me "what you've been doing isn't working, give it a chance". So I did. To be honest, a year ago, even 3 months ago, I would have abandoned ship. Today, I am speaking to AARON daily, and have seen him once since. The pace is nothing like I'm used to, the conversation is nothing like I've experienced, and I'm not trying to make it go in any direction. But every day, AARON finds a small way to grow on me just a little bit more... and here I am finding myself for the first time OPEN but not trying to direct, drive or control.  I'm also remaining open to meeting people at every opportunity.

As I told a friend today, being open can be as simple as walking through the day smiling and saying hello to people at every opportunity. My friend noted that she is shy... I thought about that for a moment, and it occurred to me, what if the person she is supposed to meet is also shy.  Don't underestimate the power of something as simple as a smile... it just might show that special someone you didn't even know was looking your way that you are OPEN, approachable...

Give it a shot, at the worst case you should know a smile can fool the brain... and make you happier and it doesn't take very much effort at all.

Here's to me smiling at you... :)

You've got ONE LIFE, don't stop, don't stop live it up!!!

I've always been known to get hooked on a song that speaks to my life in that moment. Right now, it is Hedley's "One Life".  I think we have all experienced the phenomenon of getting swept up in a relationship at some point, losing sight of our own needs, dreams, goals, and sometimes even just losing the sense of knowing what we even like...

When I get enamoured with someone, I find myself holding uncalled for placeholders in my time... the 'just in case" he wants to get together.  In recent months I've gotten so much better at just forgetting that, and doing what I'm supposed to do... LIVE MY LIFE.  I'm happy when I'm living. Sometimes, I lose sight of that for a minute... not hard to do.

Easy example... I was holding this weekend open for Chris, whom I'd sent an invitation to on Tuesday with the option of Saturday or Sunday.  36 hours later, with no reply to my invite... and Aaron having asked last night what my plans were... I finally just asked Chris why he hadn't replied. The answer was as lame as they come. Starting with an "I was confused by what the email was about" to "it's a crazy weekend for me babe, I'm sorry".  I had to sit on it for a few hours today... then the realization came to me... I'm not even mad that he isn't coming, or that he didn't even suggest an alternative date despite the fact that he has been asking why I haven't invited him out. I'm mad that it was a 36 hour placeholder that he never deserved in the first place. At the end of the day, that's my fault... yes, he was inconsiderate. But the only person I can control is me.

This song reminds me...

"It's a great big world, and you'll see
It could pass you by at light speed
You got one life, one life
Don't stop; don't stop live it up!!!"

My thinking... just live your life until that someone comes along and wants to live it up with you!

Walking on Sunshine...

Last night I took a chance, knowing I could be devastated today if the outcome didn't turn out as I hoped. I think everyone has been there.  The old me put actions into place with full on expectations of what the results would look like... the new me... with a lot of work, realizes the results are not only not within my control, but also not really my problem either.  I can only control my thoughts, actions and behaviours. And if I'm going to be true to me, and live a life without regret or question, I need to be prepared to do the things iI want and need to donwithout fear.

So I did.  So far the results are not what I'd hoped or imagined... but I'm actually not as disappointed as I thought I would be.  In a strange way, I feel rewarded and proud.  I stretched beyond what was my normal comfort zone and put myself out there.  The results will take care of themselves.,

So what happened?  I put out a formal invite to Chris to join me for an evening where I live.  Not only did I not get the response or reaction I'd hoped for, but actually didn't get any reaction yet at all.  yet, I'm happy... and worthy... and I.'m not even going to worry about it.  My life is full and I'mhappy, probably the happiest I've ever been. I am truly open and free...

On a separate note, Aaron reached out for an impromptu get together.  Our schedules have both been hectic, but we managed to squeezed 45 minutes for a quick coffee, and our 2nd meeting.  I left smiling.  For once not trying to look ahead and figure anything out.  Just content in the moment, full of warmth, hope and optimism that I am exactly where I am meant to be for today. I don't have to worry about tomorrow until the sun comes up again.

Tonight, I'm walking on sunshine....  and smiling!!!