Just when you think you've got everything mastered... you've found your groove, you're feeling strong, things are going your way... that was me until Monday! LOL. Didn't see this week coming ;).
So wtf happened??? Well... here's the conclusion I've come to... there's always a test at the end of every lesson. Have you ever sat in an exam room, opened the booklet, had a minor meltdown... a moment of complete and utter panick where you think you have studied all of the wrong material and know nothing on the papers in front of you? I can look back now and laugh, this happened to me in University more times than I can count on two hands. When the logical part of my brain caught up, the wheels caught traction and stopped spinning out of control. I did what most people do, flipped through, reading the questions, looking for even one that I knew the answer too. Eventually I'd find another one... and another one... then I'd go back to the beginning and repeat the process. The answers eventually came to me. By the end of the exam, I'd usually forgotten the horrible sense of panick and emotion that initially almost paralyzed me from completing the exam.
For me, dating and relationship life has produced some very similar circumstances. I'm not going to lie... this week started out with that very same panick in the form of an irrational and emotional response to a handful of situations that left me spiralling... Unfortunately the difference between life and an exam paper is that there are people involved. You can fool that paper into not realizing you were ever worried... but people... not so much.
Here I was, finding a rhythm... happy, open, ready, receptive... and just as I have continued to share time after time, that's when Sh&% hits the fan for me every time. The universe has my number, sends out the signal, and everything collides... people, relationships, memories come out of the woodworks to join the party. The key would have been to retreat, the way my logical mind does in an exam. The human side of my mind does what we all do... REACTS... and in the heat of the moment, that never ends well. I've learned that lesson, I know it well, and I've been tested repeatedly on the subject, to which I have a 50% fail rate... :). So, inevitably, I must know that lesson is coming again soon...
Here it was... I'd learned to let go, be responsible for my own happiness, live for today, love myself, stay true and hold boundaries... then every piece of unresolved history showed up. It was shaping up for an epic fail... somehow, this time the damage was contained to only one of the relationships. When the logic kicked in, I retreated from it all... stepped back to assess, take care of my own needs, and let the dust settle. Today, I can look at the questions/lessons and see one by one that I am capable of dealing with them. I just reacted too soon, sometimes like an exam question, the brain needs to process things before it can produce the response.
What did it come down to... fear. Fear paralyzed my ability to see the situations for what they were, and to assess my truth in the matter - how I felt, and what I needed. I initially resorted to the me before the lesson... but today, I see there is no truth to the fear. The panick of Jason being back in my city, accepting poor treatment instead of protecting my own needs and righs, the what ifs, the whys, the what nows... the many many questions that rose out of the collision of so many things that have haunted my past. Knowing today, I have a choice... we all do. I have a choice, so why do I have to wonder what if? We don't...
Don't ask what if... ask what you want!
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