Just go with it...

Who doesn't love a little spontaneity?!?  So I finally feel like I've settled into a bit of a groove... although I'm sure I've said that before. I'm sitting in a nice spot where I'm truly not interested in jumping into anything, and am finding myself suprisingly open to the surprises life has in store for me. Eyes wide open, I'm not ready to pull the rip cord and give up what might be coming just yet... for the first time, I'm actually sitting back just a bit and enjoying the ride...

I've almost purged my mind of CHRIS after a few days of no contact. Last night AARON again sent a random message begging me to come see him. I can't explain it, I have been holding out on those spontaneous invites from him... but last night I couldn't help myself.  I feel like a novice at dating... it's been one relationship to the next for most of my life. But I'm finally seeing where the whole thing might not be so bad afterall... especially when you can keep emotions at bay... which also means for me, like most women, keeping intimacy at bay. 

So off I went to visit AARON. To this point we had not even kissed... we've been speaking for almost 2 months now, and have shared 2 evenings in person. For whatever crazy reason, I decided to accept the invite for a "pajama party" at his place with the promise of a pg-13 evening. Feeling strong enough in my position with myself, I went without hesitation. For once, I laid my ground rules. Felt totally comfortable and didn't care if they weren't acceptable...

I arrived at his place, parked the car, and got out to hug him hello. He swept me up, pulled me close and finally planted one on me... and there it was... a moment that actually took my breath away.  Now... this is always a dangerous moment. The one where no matter how controlled your thoughts have been, they risk running out of your control. I was excited... I'd spent the day wondering what that might be like. The two of us stood speechless for a moment before we went inside. To my surprise the evening was comfortable, casual, easy... unlike the past few months worth of visits with CHRIS. There I stood, hair in a pony tail, rocking my LuLu's almost straight from the gym. And none of that mattered. Not sure exactly what any of it means, but for once in my life I just enjoyed every moment of the evening. Enjoying AARON's embrace and kisses, and nothing more... some great conversation and quiet moments. This is different...

Normally, the next day... my mind would be whirling, panicking, computing, wondering. Today, I'm actually happy, exhausted, and just plain ready to go with the flow. A girlfriend asked me to join for a borderline blind double date tomorrow, and I'm just going to go and be in that moment too.

All this time I thought dating was awful... LOL. But I've finally concluded that my old methods of jumping from relationship to relationship just haven't been working. So... I'm going to keep all of my options open until someone comes along who can't stand the thought of me being with anyone else...

We deserve that, so just go with it until it happens... I am :)