Not Quite Like the Movies....

As long as I can remember, I’ve carried the belief, that the right guy would hold on to me, no matter what issues I carried. You know the one in the movie that refuses to quit on the one they love until they can make them see it... I’ve caught myself telling friends, what I need is the guy who is going to nail my feet to the ground so I will stop running.  What if what I’ve been looking for is already in my life, I just don’t recognize him?

Today I had an a-ha moment… I’ve been looking for the uber obvious character from every romance movie, but maybe just maybe that guy is in my life, he just doesn’t look the same? Perhaps it’s not the high drama of an intense argument where one fights for the one he/she loves.  What if we’ve overlooked the one that simply doesn’t run, despite the number of times you mess up… Yes, guilty! I’ve done it all. Everything the books describe about an insecure and scared girl in love. If you’ve followed my blog, you may recall that I’ve cut him out of my life 4 times and run, alternatively tried forcing a commitment, and everything in between. I’ve messed up, then spiraled even more because I was mad at myself for messing up. I’ve pointed fingers, played the victim, and just plain given up.  A few times he called me back after I ran. In the end, I started coming back on my own.  The last time took literally 2 months of silence.  Despite the not so nice things I said and did, he was willing to talk and let me back in – albeit at an arms-length, justifiably so.  I decided having him in my life was making me crazy, then quickly learned each time that not having him in my life hurt even more.   At the end of the day, I realize… he’s still in my life a year later despite a lot of craziness.  So I guess I’ve proved to myself, it’s never too late…

I am that girl… the one the books write about, who just keeps on doing the same thing expecting different results. Full of fear, afraid to get hurt again, afraid to choose the wrong man, to keep ending up with people who give half as much as I deserve.  Chris was the first to bring this to my awareness… and let me tell you, I hated him for it. I felt rejected and judged, especially because he wouldn’t give in to me.  Yet, when it came down to it, he did call me out. It’s taken me a year to understand everything he said to me, and to find a whole new level of self-awareness.  It took some getting used to the feedback everytime I messed up… but now I understand that once he says it, he lets it go. I can stop living in the past, punishing myself for every mistake I make. And as my dad reminds me, just smile and play dumb, go back to having fun and forget what’s done.   It’s taking work, but as I try this I really do see the rubberband.

I’ve realized, the person in my life, although still not committed, never seems to hold my behaviours against me for longer than to tell me they bothered him.  As soon as I stop the spiral and relax, and move forward like nothing happened, they seem to be long forgotten. Things get back to normal, and often I feel us getting closer again. So maybe he is or isn’t my movie guy, but he’s definitely serving a purpose in my life. Sadly, I know what will help us move forward, yet it is a battle for me everyday – to relax and be myself, love myself enough to put my needs first, communicate properly and trust that things are where they are meant to be for today, be in it today.  I don’t get into trouble until I try to see too far ahead.

Keep your eyes open for the one in disguise…

Just Be...

Sounds so simple? And it could be… but not with a mind like mine J. In my hiatus I’ve spent a lot of time reading, and thinking, even meeting with my therapist to try to understand this whole complicated business of dating… Strangely, the one person who could put it all into perspective for me was probably the last person I ever would have expected myself to go to for dating advice… my dad. Lol.

Before I share his words of wisdom, I also want to tell you about an incredible site/ebook I had the chance to read which oddly connects a lot of what I’ve blogged about unknowingly over the past year. If you are trying to wrap your head around self-awareness and behaviours that drive someone away (although it’s highly geared to help women – worth a read for anyone) check out www.christiancarter.com. I originally signed up for the free e-newsletters and eventually couldn’t resist but to buy the ebook. There are still a few others I’m dying to check out. But even the daily newsletters are full of unbelievable insight.

Back to my own dating gongshow. I haven’t written in a while, but in hindsight I’ve been busy testing and seriously proving all of the theories right… I’ve been seeing Chris again – the one whom I haven’t been able to resolve one way or the other – to be together or to let go of. After some time apart and a very candid conversation where I opened up and was extremely honest about my feelings he miraculously did the same. It had been months of both of us trying to spend time together with our guards up, then pulling away and back and forth it went. Suddenly things were back on track, he was in touch, and wanting to schedule time together. I even had the chance to stay the night a few times, which I hadn’t done since we first dated last year.

Why the change? Well… something in me shifted… I gave up trying to be the tough independent casual girl. I spoke from the heart. It went really well for about a month… then I had a moment where I reacted with insecurity to feeling some distance, and tried and true – he retreated again! This time… I didn’t run. I let it be. I got busy with my own life… and surely, he reached out again. I’ve learned a few things through all of this… Firstly, he liked me, I was enough just as I was when we met, he doesn’t like the girl I try to be. Secondly, it’s never too late… the biggest challenge I’ve faced with Chris is every time I screw up, I screw up more trying to fix it… when I just let it be, and stop punishing myself and convincing him, it finds its way back.

So, this weekend, Chris took me to the cottage, just the two of us for a solid 20 hours of time alone. For once, I managed to quell my thoughts and just be there with him. It took so much pressure off and it really ended up being nice. There were no heavy deep conversations. Just simple time, a few good laughs, and the chance to see each other away from the distractions of life. When we got back to the city, we missed the chance to spend another evening together. Neither of us spoke up until I was already at home in bed and realizing I wanted to be with him still – when I texted to thank him and mention that, he replied the same. Right then and there it crossed my mind to regret not taking the chance… then I thought to my dad’s advice and realized, it’s a good thing. Things are where they are meant to be for now. It left off well…

Back to my dad… after a long heart to heart recently, I opened up and shared with him my dating challenges. He could not believe how much both Chris and he were alike. Ever since I’ve gone to him with my panic – this has prevented me from self-sabotaging behaviours with Chris. He reminds me everytime – RELAX. Then gave me a visual – imagine life as two roads, they run fairly close together, and both end up in the same spot. That is life… now, one of those roads is bumpy, the other smooth – which do you choose?  Some of the wisest advice that I find myself coming back to whenever I let my thoughts on the situation get out of control.  I can choose the smooth road, knowing it will lead me wherever I need to be. And I know anyone I date will do the same. I don’t always need an agenda or a goal. Sometimes there are no answers at the moment – this has been hard to accept. But as Chris once said to me “What’s the emergency? Why do you need to make a decision today?” when I was on the verge of running…

So, time for me to take the smooth road and “Just Be”, it’s enough… and despite the tumultuous year that it’s been, he’s still in my life… so, it’s never too late.

The Universal Yes List and Chivalry Does Exist...

Ok it's been a while, but I have an excuse! I've somehow landed on the Universal Yes List!  What does that mean... my life is yet again being flooded with opportunity! Somedays I have to just pinch myself and laugh and announce out loud to myself, yes, this is real life!  As I've believed all along, when you are open, opportunities come... and that has been the story of the past few weeks for me. In fact, the universe has lined up the next month+. 

Amazing opportunities from Poker Boat Runs, Concerts, random dinner dates with old friends and new, exclusive party events... it has been quite the ride. 

From the dating side... I'm still standing still... Chris is still in the picture but receding in priority for me. After about 7 dates with Jeff, I decided to listen to my heart. It was time to create some space again for me. I realized I was holding on to Jeff as a distraction... my typical back up plan to protect myself. In the end, my intuition was right, and I feel so good being able to acknowledge and let go! It does get easier as you get more in touch with who you are, and realize that you don't want to change for anyone else. It's been a foggy journey with most relationships for me. I naturally became a chameleon not even realizing I would adjust to whomever was in my life, not to please them, but to protect them from seeing the real me.  I finally stood up and said, nope, not this time... and although Jeff's reaction clearly expressed exactly what my intuition was telling me, I feel good about the decision. Why clutter your life with distraction? It doesn't do much more then take up the space you need for good things to come into your life... so I'm clearing it out.

On the same note, I had a great impromptu evening with friends last night, and the best part, not only did I get the ego boost I needed in the lull and emptiness of my clean up, but I actually saw Chivalry in action. Opening doors, carrying bags, leading, protecting, serving... for a moment I felt selfish taking it in. When I commented to my friend that I felt that way, he laughed and said, how is that selfish? Then proceeded to point out what made me a great catch, and how I didn't see it. He shared his online dating experiences, successes and disasters, and reminded me that mediocrity would be settling! Be selfish, expect more...

So, with that today my space is getting cleaner by the minute as I let go of the thoughts about whether someone is coming or going in my life, and turn my focus to the things I deserve and want in my life... holding on is exhausting... allowing is much more enjoyable!

Make room friends... and know that the good stuff is still out there! Open up and send the universal yes, and let me know what happens!

From Poker Player to Standing Naked in Times Square...

Have you ever feared something so much... then tried it, and realized the fear was far worse then the reality, and you wonder why it took you so long? 

So here I am... after 8 months of fearing something, fighting it, exhausting myself, stressing out people around me as I over thought, over stressed, debated, reasoned, obsessed about what to do, all because I was afraid to risk rejection...

It hit me like a ton of bricks a few weeks ago when it became clear that I have been living my dating life in the disguise of a Poker Player. Harsh but true... for years, I have entered various types of relationships with my hat tipped down, and straight face on... waiting patiently for my opponent to reveal their hand. Holding everything back until my opponent is completely exposed. Then swooping in for the win. It hurt to realize this... I have been approaching relationships from a Win - Lose perspective, and the way I wasn't going to Lose ever was by never laying a card first.

Oddly, CHRIS told me this 8 months ago... and I thought he was the crazy one who wasn't "emotionally available" or "vulnerable". Funny what they say about hindsight... This new analogy did open my eyes and a whole new set of behaviours. The only way I can move forward in my life is by playing my cards, and realizing relationships are Win - Win. Not a competition, but a collaboration. There is still something to gain from every relationship... even if it doesn't turn out the way you wanted. Sometime's the lesson doesn't appear until much later, but it is still a Win.

So I played a card... then I played another one... it got so easy, I laid my whole hand down. Yes, as mentioned I decided to finally be truthful with my feelings for CHRIS fully prepared to risk that I may not like the reaction. I asked the question I feared most... and you know what... I'm ok.  But then what...?

I've gone from the safe harbour of the Poker Table, to standing completely naked in the middle of Times Square. At first it was the most uncomfortable feeling I could describe to anyone. Everything crossed my mind, from taking back my token promise and running shoes, and getting the heck out of dodge.   Then I realized, sometimes, when you don't know what to do, and when it gets to be the most uncomfortable, that's when the true lesson is learned. So I stood still... exposed... uncertain... and suddenly, naturally all on it's own, things got more comfortable.  CHRIS got in touch and asked to see me. Again, fearing the awkwardness, it took some effort and focus to go over. But... it was different this time. For the first time, I felt completely comfortable in his presence. I was finally wearing my own skin... the truth. And I realized I was strong enough to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments, but it took me 31 years to build this old behaviour, I can't expect it to change in a day. But with a little effort and a lot of support, I am making change happen. There are more hours in a day that I can own my nakedness, then question it.... progress :). I don't know what tomorrow holds, and I'm trying to keep that a surprise for once. Who'd have thought...

Getting Stronger Every Day... Because the greatest risk in life, is to risk nothing at all...

Here I am, still standing completely exposed. The discomfort has eased slightly today... not sure if it was the praying I did and promise to myself to "let go".  Reflecting on what would have always been the easier choice, run!!  So here I am, and I've decided, I am going to look in the eye of fear and stare back... I am very aware I risk getting very hurt yet again. But living in the safety of my cocoon has not allowed me to let anyone in, to once again feel love, to feel anything really.

So I go back to the theme I blogged about months ago... being in the moment. Letting go of plans, letting go of questions and obsessing and analyzing. Trust me, I'm no expert. The more I listen to my friends share their own struggles, the more I see it in myself. I continue to paralyze myself and whomever I'm dating when I panic about "what's next". As my mother tells me, if you don't stop to enjoy the good moments, when the bad one's come you will feel worse for not appreciating the good ones.

That said, after a meeting with my Therapist, chats with many of my besties, I decided to take a calculated risk for the first time in a long time. I exposed myself to someone I've grown to care about earlier this week. The feelings were not on even playing grounds. But I have decided to stick with it, and this time, let it be... be in the moment, let go of expectation, risk pain, risk rejection. I know I can do this, and what won't kill me will definitely make me stronger. Everyday, I am getting stronger :).

Tonight I saw CHRIS. After exposing myself I feared the situation had gotten beyond uncomfortable and would likely just dissipate completely. I let it go, prayed on it, it was a tough and uncomfortable day. Sure enough a message came to get together this evening. I did it. Trust me I questioned the choice and was as far as in his parking garage when I still contemplated cancelling and going home. Then the little voice said, be in the moment. I had to let go of fear as I could not predict what would be. But I could also remember if I didn't like the situation, I had the choice to leave. So I stayed. The visit was more comfortable then it had been in months... there were no expectations, no awkwardness, and the recent events were not rehashed. Here I sit, smiling at myself for having survived what I might have once avoided completely.

I am stronger... I can do this... 

How uncomfortable...changing behaviours

Recently it's come to light that I'm a runner. Running from any situation that would make me vulnerable.  I know many of you reading this can relate. We've all been hurt, as Rhianna says "I've loved and I've lost". But as the saying goes you can't protect yourself from pain without protecting yourself from love. So here I am...I've made a promise to myself and to the someone in my life that I've run from most, I symbolically handed him my running shoes - a charm of course, engraved "Hold my shoes...".

Sadly, I realize that running has been a huge source of my own stress and discomfort in life. It's my way of avoiding the tough questions. But looking back, I've wasted far too much of my time avoiding the things that inevitably come about anyway. So I made a choice this past week. I made a choice to face things. To come clean about my feelings, to pull down my armour, put away my mask, plant my feet firmly on the floor, and do the one thing that scares me most... ask the questions that I've spent months trying to answer myself. Yep, months of wondering, stressing, fortune telling, mind reading. LOL.

So... the answer wasn't as clear cut as I wanted. But the lesson in here... now I must sit. I promised I wouldn't run. And if you've ever had to change a behaviour or try anything new, you are sitting there nodding at just how uncomfortable that feeling is. I shared how deeply my feelings for someone had grown, and how they had caused some of my erratic behaviour within a friendship and undefined casual relationship.  So here I stand... the feelings at this time are not mutual, but for the first time, I'm stuck between relieved and proud to have asked for what I needed, an answer, and to be able to accept that for today.  Although, I've promised not to run, and will now need to redefine the terms of a friendship.

Here I stand, completely exposed... naked. And for the first time in my life, I am going to work at being OK with that...  For the first time in my life, I am going to be ok with who I am, and have faith that this is enough :)

Stay tuned... keeping my feet on the ground.

Running and I'm not sure where to go...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

~Hanging by a Moment, LifeHouse

I'm back! Wow... I don't even know where to begin except to say the journey continues... Just when I thought I was getting a grip on the whole adventure. Ha! I have discovered a slight glitch in the whole system... it was much easier operating without knowing.  Here it is...

After 2 full months of no contact with CHRIS, it was his birthday and I couldn't resist to send a greeting. Very short and sweet. It's who I am... the response was not expected. I received a detailed response about the hurtfulness of my actions and about the good aspects of the relationship we had once shared. It stung... and for the first time since meeting CHRIS I needed to rectify the situation. It was clear communication had fallen off and there was a very unresolved situation lingering in the air. And the worst part, the whole 2 months had me missing him, thinking of him, angry with him, hurt... a host of emotions.

With little convincing, I was in my car within 20 minutes of his call, and North Bound to his cottage. Seriously freaking out. I don't even know what made me do it, except my gut and everything in me told me to go. We spent 12 hours together. A 2 hour conversation that caught me for the first time speaking openly and honestly about my feelings and what had happened. It was clear we both saw the situation very differently. It was refreshing to clear it up and acknowledge each other's right to have felt hurt. A deeper part of the discussion focused around the 4 times I had cut ties with CHRIS, and run so to speak.

So... more confusing than that. After an amazing 12 hours together, the panick, and fear set in again. Over the course of the 2 months without communication I had been out on several dates. Ending each opportunity abruptly before any of them could get anywhere. I even had 2 guys and a girlfriend call me out for running... it was like running straight into a brick wall when I realized... I have been running... I have been the one who was emotionally unavailable the whole time... out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of disappointment.

After a consult with a spiritualist and my therapist again, it hit me like a ton of bricks... I have been fighting hard not to fall in love... and worse, now that I recognize it, it's picking up steam and I can't stop it :(. More time with CHRIS and it's getting stronger. Someone I thought I hated, someone I convinced myself was the devil himself.  In denial, I just shut him out... it never fixed the problem.

So here I am... it's finally time to face it. Whether it goes the way I want or not... I need to share my feelings.  I started yesterday. I had a small gift made, a small silver running shoe charm, and a tag engraved "Hold My Shoes...". I gave him the token yesterday, although I froze on sharing my feelings. I simply offered it as a promise that I would stop running... he probed again why I kept doing it?  The words evaded me. So here I am... still full of thoughts and fear. And wondering how so many are so strong as to express their feelings without fear, knowing it's my turn. And it may or may not go how I want, however, it won't go in any direction except to drive me crazy to hold it back...

Stay tuned as I spend the next days working up the courage to do the one thing that I am most afraid of... please someone, HOLD MY SHOES.... I am so tired of running...

A Dating Awakening???

It's been a while... I took a break and got really busy living :).  I couldn't help but feel it was time to get back on here and share my latest personal discoveries... amazing what time and space can do for a person. Saying goodbye to much of the past about a month ago again, sweeping the decks... I have spent some serious time exploring my recent experiences, my hang ups, disappointments, passions. A good time to take a mental break, and start to see what it would be like to find complete and total happiness on my own. I made a pledge to get out and try all of the hottest restaurants in Toronto with clients and friends. The best part - I never have to worry if they will call me the next day ;)

What happens when you get busy? Things just start flowing. Between cycling, gym, yoga and 3-4 dinners a week, when a few guys came along I found myself seriously having to question the worth of finding a space in my already jampacked schedule. I realized, my life was full, and to be honest I was and am not ready to give it up.

Suddenly... I felt a shift. Literally, the power that I'd been giving away for years, the power to make myself happy was back in my hands. Suddenly, dating has a become a whole different experience again.  Still subscribed to the 3 month agreement with eHarmony, I decided it couldn't hurt to respond to a few, and wound up on 2 dates.  Going more out of curiosity than actual interest was a great experience. I sat back on each date and just let them happen. I had no deisre to prove anything, be anyone, guard or not guard myself. The pressure was off.

Leading up to a date with Trevor, a firefighter, I realized a boundary for me moving forward is a guy that could pick and stick to a date. Trevor was very nice, but didn't seem to want to plan anything ahead. The old me would have jumped up and met him on a whim. Today, I simply have too much going on, and if you're not going to make a plan to see me, it suggests a few things a) you're non-committal b) you think I'm sitting around waiting. Yep, add that to the deal breakers list. Upon rejecting his "on a whim" requests twice, I offered a free evening if he wanted to "make plans", and he took it! Ha! All the years of trying to be so accommodating.   Part of this awakening was the idea that I can put my needs first and someone will respect that. In fact, I received daily messages from Trevor before finally admitting I wasn't really interested. But it was a good experiment :)

Then came Anthony.  An outgoing Sales Guy. With a jampacked schedule, I was able to offer a date a week from our initial interaction. In an attempt to compromise Anthony requested a Brunch date instead which would be much sooner. Amused at his initiative and desire, I accepted. Messages came daily and we would up meeting after one of my dinners in the city for a quick cocktail at a boutique hotel in the city.  And here come the flags... Anthony detailed his attempt to impress me with his membership to the exclusive invite-only rooftop lounge which was booked for a private function that evening. Add that to the list, perks are not impressive for me... I realized in that moment, I am looking for an emotional connection. Not to be impressed. The next day Anthony again active on Whatsapp he got extremely personal and suggestive. I immediately backed it up... he handled it well apologizing and switching gears. I couldn't decide at first if this was a good sign or a serious warning.  Our second date went well, Brunch in my city followed by a walk through the local festival and boutique shops. He held my hand, which seemed oddly premature, but nice. As the week goes on and we are supposed to get together again, Anthony begins asking for favours that certainly imply he has no respect for the fact that I have a full time job that is as important to me as his is to him. So... with far less hesitation then ever, I decided to call it a day. While it's nice to have someone paying attention to you... tying yourself up with someone for the sake of it could mean missing the opportunity when the right one comes along.

This is getting easier.  After receiving a handful of blasts from some needy eHarmony potential matches, I decided enoughs enough, and cancelled the remainder of my subscription. And now I see what it means when someone says "they're too needy"... or is it just that I have finally hit that point where I make myself happy, and I'm perfectly content for the first time ever. Faithful that what will be will be...

First you take a break, then you saddle up again and keep on going...

Is there anything more frustrating then thinking you're on top of the world then getting knocked back a few ;). It happens... good news, turning it around is as easy as changing your perspective. I know... easier said then done... I'm a living example. 

Life for me has been a journey filled with ups and downs these past 2 years. Times of insatiable happiness, and times where I've felt ready to give up. But I've learned those times pass, and time passes too quickly, I'm tired of wasting away moments in that sad spot...

I've been on hiatus from blogging. Needed to regroup, readjust my focus. Oddly, I think as up and down as the past few weeks have been, they've really taught me some good lessons. Firstly, I have amazing instincts... I just needed to trust them. Yup, turns out I was right about Chris. I caution when someone is trying to convince you that you are doing wrong, thinking wrong, acting wrong, step back and take a good look at the situation. There is a very big chance they are projecting their own issues on you. Guilty, I believed it for so long, until I caught him in one last lie, and suddenly my own self-worth and assurance in the situation grew. This time I have walked away, and I'm looking up.

I've spent the last few weeks focusing on me. Lots of Yoga, discussions around work and life and opportunities, time with friends, back in the saddle and out training on my road bicycle. Life is good. And through discussions with friends, I'm learning to really once again appreciate the good moments. You never know when life is going to take a turn or throw you a curve ball. It is too easy to let the good moments slip by... so I urge you. Step back... breath it in, soak it up, and truly be in it. Enjoy the moments that feel good. Bring your mind to that moment. Smell the breeze, hear the sounds of nature, be with the people who are in your presence. Forget the things that are not here, not now, and not the truth in this moment :).

Be happy...good things await you!

Choosing words/actions out of love not fear... damn Law of Attraction!

Sometime's there are no limits to what we're willing to try just to find understanding...

At the end of my rope, I finally went to visit this Spiritualist I've mentioned. The meeting lasted 2 hours, based around my needs and questions. What came back to me was shocking... enlightening, and overwhelming.  I have spent the past year meeting with various type of Support Groups, and therapists, sponsors and friends, reading and googling, trying to understand myself, love, and why things have been seemingly so difficult. I'm sure I'm not alone in this quest for answers...

What came back to me was the shockingly simple truth. One that I believe I have known all along but refused to accept. But here I was with more facts than I could possibly wrap my little head around :). I opted for a card reading, in my quest for guidance and understanding. The spiritualist was able to help me identify a few things - she saw me with sore knees as though I'd been praying that my relationships would not end in trajedy (like heartbreak or disaster) - I had not spoken of JASON yet.  She saw a butterfly - symbolic of growth and learning. This seemed to be the pinnacle of the time spent with CHRIS. The things she saw were easily explainable by so many things in my life. Things I knew I had faced, and felt I had dealt with.

It became increasingly clear... all this time I believed those around me were the ones who were Emotionally Unavailable... and whether they were or weren't was completely irrelevant. I have been that person. I have continued to steer relationships and dating in various directions to keep myself safe out of the buried fear of ever feeling the deep hurt I endured last year over JASON, and over some incidents that go back to my childhood.  And there it was... I was shocked. The answer my friends, came down to ME. The common denominator in all of my challenged relationships... me.

I have wanted to be open and hopeful and faithful, and I had glimpses of brief periods where I was. The second I sensed a risk, I shut down, blocked out, went back into survival mode... no wonder the universe couldn't give me the things I had been wanting. I was afraid of them, and resisting them at every opportunity.

A little sad and deflated, I wondered how long now to fix all of this again.  The Spiritualist smiled, and said, from today forward, your actions will clear up anything. The people that are in your life and meant to be already understand. Stop worrying about what others think, start asking what you need right now. Be in this moment. The future is not real. You only have NOW. Be here now... live your life using words and actions of love, and that is what you will attract. Fear just leads to anger, resentment, and resistance. It leaves you closed to all the wonderful things that await you.

It all makes sense... in the moments I have just "lived", amazing things have come my way.  In the moments I've tried to create life, good things have always been at a distance. So to bring openness and love back into my life, I am working again to focus on providing the things I want. Not looking to others to do that for me. I am happy with myself, I just need to continue to appreciate that.

So tonight, I bought myself a dozen red roses :)... what girl doesn't love herself some roses...

A lonely heart on the road...

After spending 10 days in California, and lots of time reflecting and trying to really listen to myself despite all the noise in the world, I went on hiatus. 

Before I left for California, I was in this ultra elated mood. One I couldn't explain.  I met someone from a spiritual practice who shared with me that it was my spirit sensing good things coming into my life. There was even the speculation of me meeting someone on this trip.  But in the back of my mind before I even boarded the airplane arose questions about someone that continues to pop into my life.  I sent a note from the airport to this Spiritualist about this situation plaguing my mind, the message that came back "Patience".

After about 5 days in Cali, I hit one of those lonely walls. I love what I do, I love that I get to travel, and I love that I have no fear or discomfort in doing that - anytime, anywhere. Yet here I was, in San Francisco - the weather was perfect, my Best Friend lives in the city, and I began to feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness.  I kept working to keep myself in the moment, and truly enjoyed every last minute of time with my best friend.  Along came the powerful, dreaded and emotional moment of goodbye. There we stood in the street in front of the Four Seasons Hotel. The taxi driver piled my luggage into the back of the cab, while she and I stood sobbing and hugging in the street. I was torn between desperately needing to get home, and the pain of leaving the person who knew me best behind once again.  On the way to the airport the taxi driver asked if we were sisters, my only reply "she's the sister I got to choose". He smiled, and said he doesn't often get to see that level of emotion, and it touched him.  As heavy as my heart felt in that moment, I smiled... I had learned to finally love through pain.  A year prior, I believed holding the tears back was my strength. Really... it was how I avoided really feeling anything.

Upon arriving home, I was sleepless in Ontario... quickly pointing to jet lag made it easily justified. I had booked Monday off, so the sleepless Sunday night was ok. Monday was a day filled with errands and sleepiness. Normally an upbeat and energetic person, I actually found myself amused at how grumpy I was, and relieved that I had scheduled the day away from people. My mom came to visit, and surprised me with a bouquet of flowers, this naturally warmed my heart and reminded me how much I have to be grateful for.  I cancelled plans to hit the gym and prioritized Candle Light Hot Yoga into my evening. Feeling like a million bucks, relieved, relaxed and quiet in mind, I crawled into bed and fell asleep quickly.

I awoke an hour later and discovered a message on my phone from none other than CHRIS. Who just keeps popping up. I decided I would ignore this message and return to sleep. But now I was emotionally hijacked, wondering what on earth he wanted at this hour. A little angry that I could not get back to sleep I finally replied hoping he had fallen asleep. Nope... a quick reply back. He was wide awake and travelling looking for my help. Within a few minutes he said good night, and there I lay... watching the clock until 3am before I fell back asleep.  With a total of 3.5 hours of sleep under my belt, I awoke to making back to back Presentation at work, while trying to sort out favours to help CHRIS who was travelling.

Completely frustrated by the end of the day, I once again contacted the Spirtualist - who once again sent the message "Patience, Please!". She too was shocked the same message came up. I scheduled a time to meet. My mind was filled with questions and I was struggling to get through my days. When I finally met with her, the only thing on my mind was why won't this person leave my life???  The realizations that came back to me were shocking... and just as I've communicated, and as I've known all along, the problem is me.  I am the only one I am responsible for... the problem I am having is me.

Triggers...

Here I am, sitting alone in my hotel room in San Francisco, California. I flew out here on Friday, what can I say, I have a great job that allows me to travel. My childhood best friend in the world lives here, and what can I say, I love the West Coast. Life is pretty great ;)

Being single has afforded me many opportunities to take advantage of the chance to travel and really get out into this world. I realize I am extremely privileged to get out and see most of North America on company budget, and I have taken full advantage of it.  Sharing my adventures online through Facebook etc... has truly served to remind me how lucky I am as friends and family come along on the journey with me.

And yet, as much as I love this world, and consider all of North America my home... travel can be both me really living, and me really struggling. It can be a real trigger for loneliness. Not that I want to sit here and throw myself a pity party. LOL  There is nothing uber sexy about sitting alone in a hotel room at night. Here I sit, and half of me is thrilled to be somewhere amazing in this world, and the other half wishes I had someone to share this city and experience with.

It does serve to remind me that we all have our triggers.  I have had several weeks of amazing happiness, love, support and true living. But we all have our days. As I've heard from friends in recent weeks who have had their moments, I too am having my own.  The only difference between me today and me 3 months ago, is that I am so acutely aware of my triggers, and more faithful in knowing that "this too shall pass..."

In the meantime, I am grateful to the friends who reach out, and encourage you to reach out to friends not just when you need them, but even just a hello. The handful of friends that I heard from at random today have certainly lifted my spirits and made the lonely world of business travel, just a little less lonely today...

The Houdini... Online Dating is a game changer!

Update as I've had a few ask. Kevin... the "perfect date"... pulled a houdini! Yup, nada. Gone. Such is life, it's kind of funny at the end of the day. Again I question, can online dating really be fruitful? 

Has the face of dating truly changed? I have to wonder. One of the most popular posts I ever wrote was "Online Dating, can it be organic?". The world of online dating is a far cry from anything generations before us likely experienced. Unlike when we were in highschool or in our younger years, we typically started to like someone we already kind of knew... it grew into something more, and we would continue to explore that until it blossomed or faltered. These days, those of us who have ventured online would likely tell you - people date many, sometimes it goes somewhere, sometimes it never had a chance. At the end it's both amusing and annoying.

Yes, I'm an online dating skeptic... even though I have once again dabbled in the realm again.  I seriously find it difficult to truly get to know someone in such an unnatural way.  I mean, realistically, when you come together through a website, there is already some level of expectation - you sure didn't log on to make friends.... or maybe you did. But beyond that, how do you invest in getting to know someone when there are a million someone's knocking on your door. I suppose it is ideal for those with an appetite for serial dating, and the overwhelmingly growing population of emotionally unavailable people. I really start to question when someone says they've gone online to meet someone because they don't have the time in every day life to meet people otherwise.

I guess, I'm not really sure why I am online. I truly believe that serendipity exists. Whether your life is busy or not, there is always an opportunity to meet someone... whether it's in line at the Grocery Store, at an airport, anywhere really... unless you work from home full time and never go out, human interraction is almost inevitable :) thank goodness! LOL

As far as the people I've met online... there are a few nice one's no doubt. But I can also argue that anyone can write a great profile!

In a flash update, here's the latest from the online dating ventures:

I'm more convinced then ever that Aaron is a workaholic, and have concluded 100% that it is going no where. Kevin pulled a houdini, I guess I was the only one who enjoyed that date! LOL. I met another person last week, with whom I've only been texting - Reece - but again, I have zero expectations.

On a more entertaining note... I ran into someone in my Yoga Studio who concentrates on spiritual guidance. This person believes my upcoming trip to the West Coast may see a different opportunity come my way...

So where does that leave me? Utterly and completely fascinated, amused and literally still standing in the same place curious to see how life will unfold... will it be online or serendipity! I think I'm finally enjoying the mystery in life...

You say it... but do you believe your own words?

Over the past two years, I have said many things, convinced that's how I felt, what I believed, what I wanted. Funny... looking back today, I realize I never really believed my words, I just wanted to. But, that's ok... sometimes when you get stuck, you have to "fake it to make it" or say it until you believe it. In speaking to friends, especially ones who are "stuck", sitting in the middle of their own storm, looking out and saying "I know what you're telling me, but how do I do it???". 

There is no worse feeling than knowing you need to change something, and not knowing how. It's the world we live in, it's who we are. We are raised to "solve problems", "control situations", "follow directions". So many things that leave us more confused, frustrated and hopeless at times. Yet, when you have walked through it, you are that one on the other side telling someone "it will just happen", "you will get there", all the words you hated to hear when you didn't believe... when you were stuck in your own storm and couldn't see the way out of it.

On this beautiful day in South Western Ontario, I had the opportunity to take a long walk with a girlfriend, enjoying the outdoors, sharing our experiences and hope, and clearing our heads and hearts. I found myself again sharing my own life and love lessons. Funny how you already know so many things, but you just need to keep hearing them... something that came out of my mouth before I could even digest it "know that you are where you are supposed to be. In this moment, there is a lesson. You just may not figure out what that lesson was today or for a long time...". That is the piece of hope I give myself in a bad moment. Before I said it, but I never believed it. In hindsight, my lesson is that over a period of reminding myself of all the things I know, taking in all the lessons I've learned and continue to learn, today I can look back and honestly admit I said alot of things I never believed.  The difference between how I feel today about knowing them and how I did is that today, I believe! And it feels amazing!!!

Isn't She Beautiful....

As you know, I've been on this big kick of inward reflection and balance. I cannot even begin to describe how good I feel today.  As much as I hate looking back, in a moment where I feel this good, I like to take the slightest peek into the rearview mirror, not to rehache or remind myself of pain or the past, but to simply remind myself how far I've come.  Not every day is perfect, but I am learning that the key to my happiness has nothing to do with the things that are happening, but rather the perspective I am choosing to look at them from.

Today was an incredible day... and oddly, just like everything Yoga and some of the reading I have been doing has taught me, there is something real to be said about the Law of Attraction.  You will attract into your life what you are... Here I am finding myself at the end of the day saying "Pinch me, I must be dreaming...", but wait, I'm not! This is all real. Good things are flowing into my life.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight, who is facing a very difficult time. One that draws my heart and mind back to my own struggle early last year. Days when I thought the pain would never end. The loneliness, the helplessness, a million barriers preventing my happiness. How lucky am I to have had a friend who laid out the tough truth for me... he simply said "you are not dateable". It hit me like a ton of bricks at that time. I was shocked, offended, defensive. He went on to tell me I needed to love myself first. I felt angry with him, like he wasn't understanding me... And here I sit today, sharing that very story with a girlfriend who is feeling that very same pain.  The only difference between me today, and me one year ago, is that I love me more today... I continue to spend time focused on me, my needs, and what makes me happy. I am working to remove the excuses that easily come to mind when I want to complain about why I'm not happy about something, and instead think about the situation in a different light, and believe that anything is possible.

It is this thinking, the law of attraction, when you believe it, it will happen.  When you let go and find happiness, you open yourself up to the many wonderful gifts that life is waiting to give you. They may not be what you "want" but they will be what you "need" today.  So let go of the what if's and fears that hold you back. Today I am unafraid, I am curious, I am hopeful and I am happy. Sure, I am still single, my dating experiences have been nothing more than shameful, laughable, humourous, horrible and at times sad... yet here I am... smiling. Life is good. Today a host of other opportunities flowed into my life, albeit it none of those things were "the man of my dreams" LOL, but they are definitely opportunities and gifts that make my life full, rich and so very appreciated :).

Today, the song "Beautiful" by Hedley is my inspiration. Check it out... believe that there is someone out there who will believe that about you when you believe it about yourself.

"Isn't she beautiful....Make you laugh, she'll make you listen
Nothing's broke and nothing's missin'... Isn't she everything thing you need"

The Proof is in my own past... An a-ha moment!!!

Like most women, and I hope there are men out there as well who feel this way, when I see potential in a guy, I have a hard time dismissing the idea without fully wrapping my head around all of it.  That silly old thing called fear I suppose... fear that I won't get the chance to explore that little something that has captured my attention.

Funny, when a friend shares with me their struggles in a relationship or with letting go of one, I feel at ease telling them to let it go, let it be, and have faith. Yet, at times, I can't seem to follow my own advice. While driving home tonight, reflecting on recent events. I tried to think of people I knew who's relationship may have done a stop-start... ie. they met, but things didn't really come together until much later. Then I looked back to my own relationships and wondered if I had ever really been friends with anyone first.

AND IT HIT ME!!!  It happened to me...The man I married "SCOTT", I had met one year in the winter months, on the break up of a my first serious boyfriend. Scott and I took an immediate interest in each other upon meeting at an event. We exchanged email addresses, and later phone numbers. He lived over an hour away. After about a month of communication, he suddenly disappeared...  I left it be. Although he never left my mind. My ex-boyfriend came back into the picture a few weeks later. We dated for about a month or so and it became clear this was not a good relationship. I once again ended this relationship.  A month later, Scott was in town at another event, again on the heals of ending the relationship with the same ex again.  This time, it worked out... We began speaking and seeing each other regularly. Eventually driving cross country together to attend an event, and things grew from there.

Don't get me wrong, in the end, my marriage did not work out. But it did end amicably, and I believe whole-heartedly that Scott was meant to be a part of my life - and we shared 10 years together. Filled with many ups and downs, mistakes made and lessons learned (thank you Adele). But at the end of the day, there was nothing I could have done to create the circumstances or explain the way Scott came into and out of my life at just the right times. But this does clearly prove, even to me - a tough critic - if it's meant to be it will.

So here I am again. Trying to start fresh, on the brink of ending things with Aaron, on the beginning of having met Kevin, and exploring dating from yet another perspective... and I am fearful. So you start with a great date, that's the easy part... then what? The stress of will he call, should I call... on and on the games go.  With a step back, and the support of close friends who know me and my silly behaviours, I realize that once again, this is a leap of faith. I have to let go, and trust that all of these situations will work out the way they were meant to. And in most cases, for the best if I let them work themselves out.

We don't always have to be involved, or make things happen.  In the moments that I am able to let it go, I am happy and faithful and everything about what I am doing is more truly representative of me :)

So, I'm off to Hot Yoga to cleanse my mind of these thoughts, and try to let this go...

Stay tuned :)

Catch up!! The Perfect Date?

Theoretical lessons aside, I feel it is time to bring you up to speed with what's happened in my dating adventures...

CHRIS, who made it clear that the benefits part of friendship was the priority, is no longer in contact. initially out of my own confused state and not willing or ready to let the situation go, I tried to hang in for the abuse. When I started to listen to my gut and the stress of the situation, I realized I was paddling my boat upstream like many of us do. The words of a wise person I once heard pointed out that "nothing you could ever want is upstream". So if you find yourself in a situation that is causing you more discomfort and stress then happiness, turn your boat around.  And so I did. I made it clear to Chris that his proposition was of no interest to me. My deepest fear came true. He was furious. Now I realize, why was I so afraid of that?  None of the situation lines up with who I am and what I believe, therefore, it simply throws me off centre. The situation has resolved. This person is no longer in my life, and today I realize that is more than ok. His part in my story is over. :) Today I am grateful for the lessons learned and the return to flowing with the current, downstream.

AARON, whom I have been dating casually for a little over 2 months, the one that was just so different and nice. Well, different and nice aren't enough. And I came to realize that keeping this relationship in my life may simply be preventing me from being open to whatever else is ahead in my journey. Although I have not formally closed this relationship. I have mentally and emotionally ended this, and will allow the situation to resolve or find the opportunity to let him go. 

JASON - well, he has moved back to my home town. My last communication with him I shared that I was surprised and not certain how I felt about the situation. For the past year, I have been reassuring to him about my feelings. This time, without fear, I simply pointed out that "circumstances are different now". And, the very thing I had feared did happen. He never responded. And I realize, why was I so afraid of that? This relationship brought me a lot of emotional pain and stress, negative thoughts and energy. He is here with a child, and a relationship with someone else. I am at peace, I wish him well, and I knew it was time to let it go.  I continue to believe that the universe has it's own plan for me, and if this person or any other person is meant to be in my life, I won't really have a say, it will just happen.  And so... I have let this go.

Enter KEVIN... alright, so you already know how I felt about online dating. I'm a huge skeptic. A girlfriend helped me change my perspective, and I think I finally have a bit of a new take on it... so I ventured on to a different paid site. And met Kevin. Initially when he asked for my number after a handful of exchanges I hesitated. Then figured, that was silly to be on the site and engaged in email exchanges and not open to the next step. We exchanged numbers and began IMing. We seemed to have a lot in common in all of our exchanges. He convinced me to come to dinner that evening. He called and we communicated for over an hour. The conversation was natural and entertaining.   I met him for dinner, he was for once a seemingly true representation of his online profile. We laughed about how misleading that can be. The conversation continued to flow... he showed the old chivalry behaviours that I can honestly say I haven't experienced for a long time if ever. Opening doors, car doors, and walking on the outside of the sidewalk, paying for dinner, holding my hand.  This was the perfect date, and truly unexpected. So what does it mean... who knows? For today, the only thing I can take from it was that this is the way I want and deserve to be treated.  Whether it goes anywhere or not, time will tell... For once, I'm open, but not going to invest.  Perhaps it's my new centre, perhaps it's because I have truly in my heart decided I'm just fine on my own and no longer actively pursuing a relationship... this was the first date I let the real me out. I was my silly, quirky, passionate self. And I truly enjoyed the experience of it.

Looking forward to the next chapter in my journey!

Life is all about choices... your choices!

It's been an interesting week since I last blogged... I have been wrapping my head around a whole pile of new lessons and life happenings. It's been a busy week! Here's the update...

My journey as a single person has left me bouncing around between finding my balance and getting knocked right back on my ass just as quickly. It became quite clear that my foundation, my center was just not strong enough still to support the lessons learned without continuing to go back to my old ways everytime I felt a little bit stretched. I started to realize this by listening to the stories of other single friends. We have our good days and bad... we wake up strong and convinced, then we fall weak and insecure. We put ourselves our there, then we lock ourselves back up tightly. 

The definition of insanity describes the idea of continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. I'm fairly certain there are few people who can't say they've been there...  Perhaps the greatest lesson I am learning, and one that I have to work diligently at as I hope to master is the idea that everything about life changes when we change our perspective on things. What I mean is, the world is full of noise. Billions of people on different journeys, with different experiences, opnions, beliefs, successes, and challenges. I recognize that my life gets really fuzzy, especially in dating and the pursuit to find myself, when I start asking people the Hows, Whys, and What ifs. When I find my own center, trust in my heart, instincts, mind and journey... I find peace. And when I find that peace, good things seem to naturally come my way.

What am I saying? There are good things waiting to come into all of our lives, people, experiences, gifts... but sometimes without knowing it we are blocking it. We are un-open to accepting it. We are fearful of things that we don't know, we are protective of ourselves and as a result knock ourselves off centre trying to make up who we want others to think we are.  Why is it that the hardest thing in the world sometimes is just being yourself?  Think of a time when you could just be you... how did it make you feel?  I bet you would tell me it was a time of utter and shear happiness, and I bet you sensed a true desire of people around you wanting to be a genuine part of that. So why do we become someone else when who we really are is exactly what someone out there is looking for :)

This past week of silence, I have spent a great deal reading about trusting emotions, openness to life, and have found a new place to connect with myself and find balance. I have taken up Hot Yoga. I am a natural born thinker, my mind never shuts off. In this one hour that I give to myself, where my BlackBerry sits idol, my world is placed on pause, and all the noise around me is silenced... I listen to my own breath, and the calm words of someone reminding me to let go of the thoughts that aren't serving me. In these moments I realize, I am happy. There is nothing missing. The things that I think about that make me unhappy are simply thoughts I've created.  And the easiest way when I step away from Yoga and into the world to keep it relevant and centered - is to realize that I am in control of my thoughts.  I can listen to the words of many. But in the end, I choose what I want to accept, what I'm willing to consider, what I believe... because within me, when I trust it, I already have the answers.

To my friends who are struggling with the words and input and NOISE of others, I want to share this quote for what it's worth...

"If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to acccept it, to whom does the gift belong?"  ~ Buddha

This conversation with a man who insulted Buddha ended with the abuser answering "Then it belongs to the person who offered it". Buddha replied "That is correct. So if I decline your abuse, does it not still then belong to you?"

Food for thought...

Findng Excitement in the Unknown

Am I finding my groove??? What is this new feeling...  For the first time in my life I find myself almost wanting to rid my life completely of prospects, the word exhausts me. Hearing friends talk about dating exhausts me. I have truly found a balance in life right now. I am happy :). My greatest challenge is filtering out the noise of my friends and loved one's who think they know what I need - "why aren't you dating?" "why don't you try this website?" "why don't you call this guy?" "why won't you give that one a chance?"

Don't get me wrong, I totally appreciate the care and concern everyone puts into worrying about me, as I'm sure - all of you - my single friends can also appreciate, but sometimes I could live without all the noise.  I am actually enjoying my life the way it is right now. Everyday is a new adventure... I'm free to make spontaneous decisions, go where I want, be with who I want, travel when I want, come home when I want, eat what I want... see the pattern here?  And the best part... I never know what opportunity is around the next corner, and I find that exhilirating.

If you had asked me a year ago, 6 months ago, even 3 months ago, the thought of not knowing drove me insane. My life was planned to the nth degree. But that was no fun... I had all the stability in the world while I was married, I bounced from one unfulilling relationship to another afterward. But something was always missing... why? I was looking to fill my life needs and hopes with a relationship. I truly believed that my life was meant to be shared - which I still believe. The difference is, I am finally making myself happy, I am finally getting to know who I am.  Just because I am not in a relationship does not make me lonely.

My life right now is full... full of the things I love to do and people I love to be with. My friends and family fill every waking minute that is not filled by me exploring what life has to offer, my passions, hobbies and new challenges. With spring upon us I am getting back into Road Cycling, the best place I can think of to clear my head and heart. I also put myself out there this week and went with a friend to try Hot Yoga for the first time. Yoga is just one of many things I used to say "I can't do" or "I don't like". With a slightly changed perspective, I actually think it's something I am going to truly invest in. The chance to truly connect with mind and body. 

If you're alone, make the choice, don't be lonely! Get out there and LIVE!  Try new things, get busy being in this world. Sitting alone wondering "when" or "how" or "who" is frustrating, isolating, and lonely. Get out there and let yourself be surprised by the countless delights and opportunities the universe is trying to give you!

Time Out for the Most Important Relationship in Your Life!!!

Notice how life happens in waves? Relationships, dating, everything included. Periods of insanity where you would give the world for a moment just to catch up with your thoughts, then periods where you'd give anything to get away from your thoughts. LOL Such is life...

Lately I've been grateful that work since returning from a trip out West has kept me on my toes running from the moment my flight touched back down in Ontario. In my journey I've become increasingly aware when I'm falling into a pattern. After the whole friends with benefits proposition last week, it was evidently time for a Time Out!!!

So here it is... what do you do to step back, escape the moment, hear your thoughts, and let them go. For me, that release has been cycling. A chance to get out on the open road, wind in my ears, burn in my legs, kept company by some great tunes... this is my escape. Time for me. Something I do to put the rest of the world on hold... Facebook, Instant Messaging, Email, Phone Calls, all of it can wait. Too often I wonder if in the search for love/companionship we are all too willing to ignore our own needs, sacrifice the necessary time we need for ourselves and one of the single most important relationships in our lives - the one with ourselves.

I came across a beautiful posting a friend shared on Facebook today, and can't help but share it with you. I hope you are have your own time alotted to building your relationship with you:

A new energy relationship is to learn to have a relationship with yourself first... before a loving, sharing balanced and harmonious relationship can be experienced with another. It is a sovereign relationship with self, with all facets of self. The relationship with your partner is just a mirror of the type of relationship you are having with yourself. A relationship with self is to bring the out...side issues to the inside - looking within instead of focusing on your partner- to seek out the missing link to fill the empty gap within yourself first. A loving new energy relationship with another is to be able to open the door of self-discovery without fear of any destructive abuse, limitation or disempowerment. It is to be with your partner, to enjoy their company, for you do not need anything from them, you do not need to take their energy by feeding off them, you do not need to take or share their money or material possessions, and they do not have to do something in return for you to love them and for them to love you. They do not need to feed off you or enslave your energy. It is to enjoy the relationship with them without placing each others fears, baggage, burdens, agendas and attachments upon each other. ~ Pamela Belle Skus ♥!

Are you holding yourself back?

I took a couple of days to reflect after the recent situation in which the terms of a relationship went from a friendship to a friendship with benefits. I took a bit of time to let myself be the victim. Then I got to work... and started asking myself and others who know me best why I continue to attract this type of person.  It continues to come back to one thing... do I believe I'm worth it?

In conversations with friends struggling with single life and dating, there is a common theme. We all seem to sell ourselves short. We're not pretty/handsome enough, smart enough, rich enough... you name it, endless excuses why we don't feel worthy of what we want.  When in reality, we have so much to offer.

How can we break this? By taking our own positive inventory.  At the end of a relationship I have a few times found myself holding on, for what? Because I was afraid they would find someone better and that would make me feel even less worthy... look around, you need to know you're a great catch.

If you struggle with coming up with your own list of positive attributes, you can start the way I did, by asking the people who know you best, the people who choose to be in your life, that make your life great. You clearly have something to offer them, figure out what that is. Let your ego pump itself... say it, mean it, believe it. I am the best, and I only deserve the best.

I recently read a good book, which I find myself referring friends to over and over, and have pledged to repeat reading from time to time, check it out if you are interested in taking a hard look at what you are doing to prevent the happiness you deserve in life "Excuses Begone!" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I'm not one for promoting other people's theories, but this book really adjusted my thinking. And despite my recent setback with Chris, I am adjusting my thinking, and back on my feet!

What are you waiting for? Get happy, be in today!

"Can't get it if you don't keep giving" (One Life, Hedley)

FWB... really?

Alright friends... I'm looking for your input on this one... What is your take on Friends With Benefits? Is thre really a difference between the way guys handle it and the way girls do? Should there be rules?

I'm very curious to hear your thoughts, and hope you will comment on this blog. In my experience, the non-committal relationship ends up in disaster one way or the other. At the end of the day, I'm not convinced a friendship can survive this.

My relationship with JOHN who moved west and now back to my home town started this way, or more of a non-committal way at least. Disastrous...

Men, jump in here... can you really keep emotions off the table in this situation? Can women?

Seriously... a little help here...

Living it up!!!

People keep telling me to live it up, enjoy my time while it belongs exclusively to me... at first it didn't quite make sense. I was convinced my life was better shared. Then again... I had a trip scheduled out West on business. My brother happens to live in the same city, so as usual I extended my trip to spend 9 days out West (including 3 days of business).

This trip was different. I have always found my way West when I've needed the chance to recenter myself... find balance in the craziness of life. This trip I truly found that balance, I truly lived. The West Coast for me is like home... and this trip was all about me! And why not?!?!?  I have no one in my life to worry about for the first time ever, and I'm totally happy about it. I've never found more happiness with myself, not depending on someone, not needing permission from someone. Going where I want, doing what I want, getting to know me :). I did that this trip. 3 days of Alpine Skiing with some of British Columbia's finest ski conditions, a few days to hang out with family and friends. I have returned refreshed, motivated, inspired, ready... and for once, with a little patience and confidence that I can sit back and enjoy whatever surprises life will throw at me in time. And in the meantime, I can put the focus on making myself happy.

Funny how you attract what you are... you probably read that time and time again, I know I have. I can't say I've attracted that special someone yet, but I can tell you people have continued to come into my life, and friends from the past have resurfaced, and our discussions have proven we are coming together in a similar place. Amazing... only a matter of time... but first, I want to be wholly and completely me! Until then, I'm happy just becoming more and more me!

...and, in the meantime, I'm going to live it up! I hope you're doing the same. You never know what tomorrow holds, so keep your focus on making the most of today!

One Foot in Front of the Other...

I've come to realize that the common thread between my own personal panick experiences and those I hear from friends is when a relationship starts to form and we naturally begin looking and planning too far ahead. We easily take our sights off of the life we were living, and start planning a different one.  A few things happen for me at times like this... my expectations of a person change, I set myself up for disappointment, and I can lose sight of who I am.  Where does this leave me... there are two directions I end up going 1) Running in the opposite direction, 2) Setup with high expectations and a high probability of disappointment.

So here's the update... Chris is still maintaining the let's be friends card - and has gone as far as telling me about bad dating experiences... a little awkward. A random out of the blue message from Jason who lives in the USA who suddenly misses me. And then there's Aaron...

Things have been progressing with Aaron. He's still not my usual type, and the progress as a result would normally see me running for the door. Everyday I'm waiting for the other foot to fall. Not willing to jump into things because it's just too normal. I find myself toying between potentially accepting that he may really be a great guy and allowing myself to open up and be vulnerable, or continuing to hold back looking for a proble...

For today, I've decided it doesn't have to be this complicated. Why get so ahead of ourselves. I think I'm just going to enjoy it for today! And in the meantime, I'm going to keep LIVING!  Off for some business and pleasure on the West Coast this weekend!

Whatever you do, whatever you are dealing with, keep living your life... let the rest fall into place :).

Let Go and Get Out of the Way... A Leap of Faith!

Countless times in life I have found myself trapped... in a moment, an emotion, a difficult situation. The nights you awake and can't settle the mind. I'm certain many can relate.  I've come to the realization it is without question almost always over a internal struggle at the idea of holding on or letting go. Often I've emotionally lost the battle and found myself running from the problem rather than tackling it.

There is a lesson however, that continues to pop up in the relationships where I've been plagued in this manner. Like it or not, this quote sums it up:

"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end..."

What has this meant?  No matter what situation I have tried to sweep under the rug it has continually resurfaced in my life until I've figured out what it that I'm supposed to learn or gain from it. The biggest lesson that has taught me is that I don't have to fight to hold on to things. They will continue their presence in my life according to a greater plan that is not my own.  I can make it easier on myself when I take the passenger seat once in a while...

"Some people think it is holding on that makes one strong - sometime's it is letting go..."

Save yourself the energy, and have faith that what's meant to be will be.  If you are hanging on to things and people that aren't meant to be apart of your life, you may be getting in the way of your own life.  There is a plan far greater for you then any you've imagined...

This is my moment...

Some days it feels like I'll never figure it out!  Then you have an "a-ha" moment and things get a little clearer... it always seems to come out of a conversation, a book, something you see on tv... the only thing that is clear is that I never seem to learn this while examining my own life.  This weekend, I had another one of those moments, and the funny part is, my a-ha is really about how I create all of my own problems... and the solution is "seemingly" very simple!

Here it is, through some conversations with friends about disastrous dates, and relationship challenges, and through the reading of a book recommended to me by several (Excuses Begone! by Dr. Wayne Dyer), the recurring theme has been "be in the moment". That's it, that's all!!! I know, seriously, can it really be that easy? Well, yes, in theory...

A few personal examples... in dating, I can't even count the number of times I have grown frustrated or upset with a situation or person, in hindsight, 99% of the time it has been because I was looking ahead, not living in the moment. This is especially difficult very early on in dating when there is nothing but uncertainty. We often look so hard for "answers", "signs" anything that tells us there is a future. But perhaps we are missing the point... the future is not ours, not yet. All we have is this very moment. If we can stay in that, we can let go of the unnecessary pressure, the fear, the scenarios we are creating for ourselves, and just enjoy what is right now.  It is looking ahead that allows our mind to create situations that we have no way of predicting, we don't even know if tomorrow will come. That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, and the person you are dating.  When a friend tells me about a trainwreck dating scenario, it always seems to come down to emotional reactions that can only be related to not living in the moment.

In my most current dating situation, with Aaron, I have been able to do just that. Be in the moment.  I'm not worrying about the next message or phone call or date. I'm not worried if he's out with someone else or if he is the one for me. When I see him, I am in the moment. I enjoy it, I live it, I take it for what it is worth.  There is no pressure. It is about me in that moment, how I'm feeling, if I'm listening to my own heart and soul.  If I'm not enjoying the moment, then it's up to me to make the change. When I am living my life in the moment, I am not worried about the things that take me away from living the life I want to be living.

Think about the hardest thing you've had to do, the biggest thing that ever worried you? Did it have anything to do with the very moment you were living in when it troubled you?  The exam you worried about, did you not eventually get through it? The Date that made you nervous. Even the moment you ran into an ex with someone else. All of those difficult moments were a) nothing you could have predicted b) nothing you couldn't survive and move on from. So when you start worrying about what's next, and you forget to be in the moment, you are letting your mind create a fear that isn't even real.

When you feel yourself struggling, keep it simple, bring your mind and heart back to the moment...

"This is my moment, I waited all my life. I can tell it's time. Drifting away, I'm one with the sunset, I have become alive" ~Moment 4 Life (Nicki Minaj)

When your mind runs the show...

Coincidence or theme... lately I find my discussions with friends, male and female alike have centered around a very common topic - Fear...  even more entertaining, my horoscope today which advised not letting Fear hold me back in life or career. 

A challenging discussion and relationship failure with Chris brought to light a topic near and dear to many relationships, what is appearing more and more to be the pitfall of any relationship that breaks down - Fear. In a casual discussion the other night with friends, I realized how very different we as humans experience fear. A girlfriend described her fear of different sports and dangerous situations. It made me laugh and look at myself and come to a realization... when it comes to most areas of life, I'm a "Balls-to-the-Wall" kind of girl. First to jump at a sporting or adventure opportunity, travel experience, you name it... not afraid to fly, surf, jump out of a plane, try something new and fall on my face. In business, I say it like it is. I disagree at times, ask for clarification, debate, raise a hand, raise an idea. The same can be said in my family and friendships.  Why is it in an intimate relationship I find moments where I'm tongue-tied by fear?

From my conversation with Chris this week to listening to various friends this weekend, I am becoming more and more aware of all the reasons people hold things back in relationships, and how quickly that becomes destructive behaviour.  I can now look back and clearly identify a number of situations that upset me, rather than saying anything, I bottled it up... eventually the pressure of the steam will inevitably blow the top off any boiling pot. LOL. That's always the tipping point, and usually happens over something completely ridiculous. I'm sure we've all been there. Looking back it's kind of funny, but if you remember the moment, it wasn't so fun...  So we often learn from it and most of us over time learn to speak up because we know it's not worth holding on to. 

Interestingly, I felt I had made some major life breakthroughs in this realm.  But every now and again there's someone who stirs up those old behaviours, and that is what happened with Chris. It comes down to vulnerability. A situation that you become so uncomfortable in that without thought you revert to old behaviours. The good news is, awareness is everything.

Where does fear come from? A few things, but generally, it is a matter of thinking. It creeps in as we get ahead of the moment. When we start looking to the future, and the "What ifs" take over. The creation of scenarios which seem realistic in our heads. Then you tell someone what you're thinking, and realize, if we were seriously this psychic, we'd have life figured out. We can let go of the fear, of something that is not real when we realize, this moment is all we have. And despite every fear we've ever had, we're still here today, living and breathing, and life isn't so bad... so next time you are afraid to speak, share, act or feel... ask yourself what the worst case would be?  At the end of the day, will you not just survive the same way you always have? And if you never put it out there, never take that risk... just how much of life and opportunities are you potentially missing out on?

"Can't get it if you don't keep giving!" ~One Life (Hedley)

What is Normal anyway???

Someone asked me the other day if I felt my childhood was "normal". The only thing I could come up with was "what is normal?". Truth be told, I'm not sure is normal exists... We are human, unpredictable, sensitive, emotional, irrational at times, we think, feel, and respond to everything in ways that depend on a million different variables at any given time. So perhaps, I'd like to propose that normal for me would be to be with someone who understands and accepts all of me. The fun, serious, emotional, crazy, strategic and irrational chick that I can be in any given moment. Perhaps that is what normal will be when I find it ;)

For now, here's the latest... I have started spending more time with Aaron. We all talk about wanting "normal" and "stable", and here I am, seeing the guy for over a month who is unbelievably normal and stable so far, and it FREAKS me out! LOL.  Call me crazy... BUT, then I meet up with Chris, we haven't seen each other in almost a month, and our only communication lately has gone extremely wrong. After my little cease and dismiss routine last week, he has been in touch regularly... seemingly wanting to talk through what happened and why I would end a "friendship" in that sudden way. Now, I'm hardly an expert on normal... but after a brief intimate relationship and only 3 months of knowing someone, this just seems bizarre.  On the upside... it is settling and reassuring my feelings for Aaron.

Normal isn't so bad... why do we often feel the need to go looking for crisis in calm waters?

You are beautiful...

For a long time I was that girl... the one I often hear from today, trying to understand what was so wrong with me that I attracted the wrong types, had disastrous relationships and dating experiences, and couldn't find the love or respect I felt I deserved.

A tough lesson, but one I continue to learn... living and learning. No one will love you or see how beautiful you are, until you love and see how beautiful you are yourself.  Perhaps the simplest, yet most difficult lesson to learn. It's easy to look at someone else and think they have it easy. I've watched those closest to me who seem to have it figured out. The common denominator... they believe they are worth it. They are willing to walk away, they choose to be in relationships because they want to be, not because they need to be, and believe they would be just as strong and happy standing alone on their own two feet.

I watched a best friend, who is in an amazing relationship, go toe to toe to let her other half know that she was not going to tolerate a behaviour, to the point that she reminded him that she could walkaway. I asked if her she really meant it, knowing how much she loved him. She said absolutely! If that's the way he's going to be, I don't need it.  It blew my mind... But what blew my mind more, was how much he respected her for calling him out, how sorry he was, and how much he truly appreciated and valued his relationship with her. What at first I thought might have been an abrupt approach that I might not have tried as I hate the conflict, actually grew the respect and appreciation in their relationship.

So what is the problem... the problem is when we fail to recognize that we are one of a kind! We have a choice, we are beautiful and if someone doesn't love us for who we are, then someone else will. The many times I have felt stuck, "in a rut", and I've looked to my friends for guidance begging them to tell me how to move forward, they've said the same thing... you just do... one foot in front of the other.  For those of you stuck in this rut, two of my favourite quotes:

"How do you make a life? Put one foot in front of the other, make some choices, take some chances..."

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious, and curiousity keeps leading us down new paths" ~ Walt Disney

When you're done learning your lessons, you will be tested...

Just when you think you've got everything mastered... you've found your groove, you're feeling strong, things are going your way... that was me until Monday! LOL.  Didn't see this week coming ;).

So wtf happened??? Well... here's the conclusion I've come to... there's always a test at the end of every lesson.  Have you ever sat in an exam room, opened the booklet, had a minor meltdown... a moment of complete and utter panick where you think you have studied all of the wrong material and know nothing on the papers in front of you?  I can look back now and laugh, this happened to me in University more times than I can count on two hands. When the logical part of my brain caught up, the wheels caught traction and stopped spinning out of control. I did what most people do, flipped through, reading the questions, looking for even one that I knew the answer too. Eventually I'd find another one... and another one... then I'd go back to the beginning and repeat the process. The answers eventually came to me. By the end of the exam, I'd usually forgotten the horrible sense of panick and emotion that initially almost paralyzed me from completing the exam.

For me, dating and relationship life has produced some very similar circumstances.  I'm not going to lie... this week started out with that very same panick in the form of an irrational and emotional response to a handful of situations that left me spiralling... Unfortunately the difference between life and an exam paper is that there are people involved. You can fool that paper into not realizing you were ever worried... but people... not so much.

Here I was, finding a rhythm... happy, open, ready, receptive... and just as I have continued to share time after time, that's when Sh&% hits the fan for me every time. The universe has my number, sends out the signal, and everything collides... people, relationships, memories come out of the woodworks to join the party.  The key would have been to retreat, the way my logical mind does in an exam. The human side of my mind does what we all do... REACTS... and in the heat of the moment, that never ends well.  I've learned that lesson, I know it well, and I've been tested repeatedly on the subject, to which I have a 50% fail rate... :). So, inevitably, I must know that lesson is coming again soon...

Here it was... I'd learned to let go, be responsible for my own happiness, live for today, love myself, stay true and hold boundaries... then every piece of unresolved history showed up. It was shaping up for an epic fail... somehow, this time the damage was contained to only one of the relationships. When the logic kicked in, I retreated from it all... stepped back to assess, take care of my own needs, and let the dust settle. Today, I can look at the questions/lessons and see one by one that I am capable of dealing with them. I just reacted too soon, sometimes like an exam question, the brain needs to process things before it can produce the response. 

What did it come down to... fear.  Fear paralyzed my ability to see the situations for what they were, and to assess my truth in the matter - how I felt, and what I needed. I initially resorted to the me before the lesson... but today, I see there is no truth to the fear. The panick of Jason being back in my city, accepting poor treatment instead of protecting my own needs and righs, the what ifs, the whys, the what nows... the many many questions that rose out of the collision of so many things that have haunted my past. Knowing today, I have a choice... we all do. I have a choice, so why do I have to wonder what if?  We don't...

Don't ask what if... ask what you want!

The Boomerang Effect... you can run but you can't hide!!!

Here it is... just when you think life is on the verge of settling down again. Ha!!! Don't be fooled... I have once again had to learn that you can run but you can't hide. Ever swept a problem under the rug, and it just kept crawling out?  I assumed one of my problems was dealt with when it moved half way across the country... today, I felt the boomerang effect.

Let me first preface this discussion, by laying the framework for the day. Today is Valentine's Day... a Hallmark Holiday that carries with it a host of different pressures. I began the day as well as could be, filled with "No Expectation" and warmed by a flood of messages from good friends wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. Who needs more than that right? 

Then... came a message from Chris, who seemed shocked and angry that I had of course deleted him and suggested we go our separate ways. Here is goes back to the idea of can you really be friends with someone after sharing intimate moments?  Well... let the chaos begin. I got an earful about how poorly I handled the situation yesterday. While some valid points were made, I finally concluded this was not the right day, emotions running too high, to make any decisions. We left the conversation with me needing some time to think...

Round 2 - a message from Jason, the first love and loss of my life who relocated west. Ironically, we fell apart one year ago tomorrow. When I found out he received the offer to move West. Well, today, I received word, one year later that he is moving back to Ontario, and by the sound of things back to the very city I live in. Other woman, and baby in tow... and there you have it. The boomerang... out of sight out of mind was not going to fix this one. The problem is back. I have no choice now but to face it, otherwise the city I live in is going to become one claustrophobically small space...

On a high note, although every ounce of me considered curling up in fetal position and surrendering. I realize, everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for this. Everytime we think we can not deal with life and so many things being thrown at us, we survive to see another day. And the pain, and situation passes. So I remain true to my favourite quote of all time:

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it. If it changes your life, let it. No one ever said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it"

At the end of the day, Aaron called... and somehow it felt amazing... I know the sun will come up tomorrow. And whatever happens next, is all just part of the journey for me...

A favourite quote of a very good childhood friend comes to mind:

"Life is not measured by moments, but by the moments that take your breath away..." 

What a Day!!!

What a day... you know the inevitable type. The one where things just come to a head and there is no more coasting along and ignoring a situation. I found myself wide awake from about 1am until 4am this morning. I often wonder if I can either predict crazy days, or if my lack of sleep contributes to it. In this case, I swear I knew it was coming...

I started the day sending a nice message to Chris, commenting on how time flies relating to a photo he had on his profile that was taken on our second date. The conversation starter seemed to set the tone for a positive communication. But for whatever reason, that was not hte direction Chris planned. Perhaps it was because I was tired... or perhaps I hit that "moment of clarity" I've often referred to. Whatever the case may be, Chris pushed me a little too hard. I finally stood up for myself, and laid a boundary, in fact, I think I finally tied a loose end. After the conversation went down a dark path for no reason at all, I found myself upset enough, and no longer interested in even worrying about the outcome. I laid it out to Chris that I was done accepting this behaviour, and that it was time to go our separate ways.

Talk about a load off... I don't remember ever feeling so sure about severing ties with anyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm saddened at the end of something. But looking back, I realize an important lesson that I have learned about relationships, and one that I have shared with countless friends who find themselves in the same place... sometimes the thing that keeps us stuck, that draws us in, the holds on and prevents us from letting go... is nothing more than the dream of something that never was. The idea we had when things got started, the "what could be", and not the "what is"... when we are finally able to look at a situations for "what is" true, we can finally accept and let go of what we thought might be, and take those much needed steps to move forward.

For all you single people, we are sitting on the verge of what can be a very tough day... Valentine's Day... an awkward Hallmark Holiday for those of us who are single, on the end of a relationship, or at the very very beginning of something new. The only piece of wisdom I can share, and the one that I am trying to hold myself to...

"No Expectations..." 

Until tomorrow...

Get sick of "you're so lucky you're single!!!"...

Since the breakup of my marriage, I have not been in a single true relationship. For the past 20 months I've heard "you're SO lucky you're single...". That line frustrated me to no end! Did these people really know what it felt like to be alone all the time? Cooking for one, no one to laugh at movies with, no one to wake up to...

Here I am, and for the last few months I can finally appreciate it!  I look around at people who cling to bad relationships because they don't want to be alone. While I have my moments where I would absolutely agree... I am finally beginning to appreciate the little things, and they are many.

Getting up and going to bed when I want
Cooking what I want, take out when I want
No one to argue with over meals, cleaning, what to do
I can watch what I want when I want
I can make a total disaster of my place, or clean it and keep it imacculate
I only have to do my own laundry
Listen to whatever music I want
Go out after work at the drop of a request, no one to justify it to
Stay at the gym as long as I want
So much more...

So I look back and try to understand why even I almost stayed in an unhappy place, what was I afraid of? It's easy to see now, of course hindsight is always 20/20. I didn't know what the hell I wanted... that terrified me.  Now I'm finally finding a groove :) and it's all about me!

For those who sit and say, why is it so easy for others... perhaps it's not, perhaps they wish they could be you! As one of my besties reminds me, one day you will wish you had this time to yourself.

So here I am, living my life! Are you???

Welcome aboard Latvia and United Kingdom - please share your stories!

The Rescue Mission... hey, what are friends for ;)

A girlfriend just came through a similar dating experience to my experience with Chris - the all-in followed by the freak out! Looking back I'm starting to find the situation just plain entertaining. So... after a few weeks of the Freak Out behaviour, Armond invites my friend out again. Hesitant, she insists on a casual evening, encourages Armond to bring a friend, and she brings me.  I think this was genius on her part!  She suggested to me, this would give her a real feel for his behaviour around her in a social situation. It's always easy one on one.

So... the night starts, we arrive at Armond's place at 8pm, his friend Bryan is running late.  The conversation gets off to an awkward start. I can immediately sense the loss in interest in my friend's engagement in the situation. The natural schmoozer in me comes out, working to keep conversation going to at least a tolerable minimum. Bryan arrives a short while later. Now it just gets more awkward. There is a sudden air of arrogance between the guys, and conversation gets a bit irritating. My friend at this point has barely said a word, it's not even 9pm.

A quick text to her to guage her interest, said "Should we just go get dinner ourselves?". Her instant reply, "Yup".  That's it... the signal. She's out! And this should be a fun challenge for me. Given I am likely to never see these guys again I have nothing to lose. The guys plan to take us to an Art Show. It's already 9pm (although only an hour after we arrived). So... I took the opportunity to suggest my friend and I haven't eaten anything and would like to go get dinner, and can meet up with the guys after they finish at the art show. Barely keeping our giggles in, the guys are in utter shock... conversation gets increasingly awkward, the only good thing is that my friend and I are so emotionally uninvested it doesn't phase us one bit. We assure the guys we are just too hungry, and to text us after the show...

We raced out to my car giggling uncontrollably, trying to get in the car as if the guys can't hear us, slipping and sliding in the oncoming snow storm.  We laughed the whole way back to Burlington where we decide we deserve a great girls dinner at the Martini House. And there you have it! The rescue was a total success. We spent the next 2 hours laughing hysterically about the situation, and how much fun it actually made the whole night. The reflected back on relationships that we had once felt so desperate to save, only to realize the situations were wildly entertaining and not worth one ounce of the energy we put into stressing over them.

And so we again can appreciate the true value of friends :). We can survive anything, laugh at anything, and reflect on anything with the right people in our lives. Friends will never let a friend settle. So lean a little.  Turns out dating in pairs can be a LOT of fun!

Ever have to pull or request a rescue mission? Love to hear about it... please share...

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